Scattered Blossoms
by Peacewish
Summary: Prequel. The story of an angry and grieving teenager, the family that doesn't understand him, and the captivating teacher that changes... everything.
1. ch1 the tree

Chapter 1

**'the tree'**

_Don't you cry, tonight_

_There's a heaven above you, baby._

_Don't you cry tonight._

I lay, unmoving, watching the little blossom in the breeze.  It was so tiny and frail, the gentle wind pushed it almost flat down against the ground.  But the roots held, and when the breeze subsided it sprung upwards, up to the bright blue sky.

"That's not how it happens," I murmured.  That's not how it goes in real life.

I was lying on my back on the grass, my face turned slightly to the side so I could watch the upstart flower's struggles.  It was the first warm flush of spring weather all year, and the sunlight felt nice on my face. 

Once again the little pink bent over in the breeze, once again it straightened in the calm.  Unable to take it anymore, I reached out and plucked it from the ground.

"Don't you know," I informed it, "that you're supposed to die?  Something like you can never survive in this world.  Stop teasing me."

I crushed the flower in my hand, then tossed the remnants to the side.  After a moment, the breeze picked up the petals and scattered them.  Just like the ash from that day.

That's how it's supposed to go.

I nodded with satisfaction and turned up the volume on my walkman.  My favorite part was coming up, the guitar solo.  But my enjoyment was interrupted by clanging bells.  They disrupted the melody, high and discordant, and I scowled.  Stupid bells.  Did they do that every hour in this town?

Wearily I sat up and scanned the surroundings.  Just peeking over the rooftops, I could see the source of my annoyance.  A tall, pointed clock tower busily clanging the hour.

One…two…three…

Absentmindedly I counted the chimes.

Four…five…

Five!

I jumped up, my meditative mood shattered.  Five o'clock already.  He was going to throw an absolute fit.

- - - - - - - - -

I got a little mixed up about the streets, and it was another twenty minutes before I managed to make it home, despite how fast I was running.  I was panting before I finally managed to get through the door. 

"O-nii-chan's in trouble," somebody sang, bouncing up and down on the couch gleefully.  She flashed a smug grin in my direction as I pulled off my headphones.  "O-nii-chan's in - "

"Knock it off," I ordered, but somebody else had heard her, and he appeared in the doorway to the room with a frown.

"I'm sorry, okay?" I snapped, before he could even speak.  "I got lost."

"Touya-kun, I was supposed to be at the school thirty minutes ago to meet with the head of the department.  What am I supposed to say to him?"

"I said I was sorry.  I'm here now, don't let me stop you from going."  I started to storm up the stairs, but Dad wasn't through yet.

"Touya-kun, I don't ask for much - "

"Right."

"- but your sister is too young to be left alone.  I'm about to start a new job, and I need your help to take care of her."

"Don't I know it.  I spend more time with her than I do alone!"

Dad sucked in his breath and waited a second before replying.  I could see he was trying to control his annoyance, and felt a slight twinge of guilt, but didn't change my sulky expression.  I had every right to be just as annoyed.

"Touya-kun, this is a hard time for all of us.  I'm asking for you to be supportive, and to help me out when I need it.  Can you at least try?"

Did he have to try and be so nice about it all the time?  I heaved a sigh and shrugged.

"Guess so," I muttered.

"Arigatou."  He smiled and straightened his tie, then retreated to the front door where his briefcase and coat were waiting.  "Daddy has to go out for a little while, Sakura-san.  I'll be back for dinner.  Touya-kun will make it.  Bye now."

He gave her a little wave, and she returned it happily, waiting until he'd left before resuming her trampoline act.

"Not at all, Dad," I said aloud, glaring at the front door.  "I don't mind another unpaid baby-sitting session tonight.  I don't mind making dinner for her.  Thanks for asking."

"Play with me, Onii-chan!"

"No way," I grunted, and continued stomping up the stairs.  After a moment, I could hear her skipping up behind me.  "Go away!"

"Let's play," she begged.

"We're not playing a game, squirt.  I've still got stuff to unpack."  I entered my new room and stared gloomily at the boxes piled in the corner.  The only thing I'd bothered to break out of its packaging was my stereo and music, late the night before.

A new job, I could still hear him saying in my head.  Associate professor at the Towa University, in Tomoeda.  It's a nice town, good place to raise a child.  We'll be able to make a fresh start.  A new beginning.

"Yeah right," I mumbled under my breath.

"What?"  She was crawling onto my bed now, watching me.

"Nothing.  Go away.  I have to unpack."

"I wanna watch you," she chirped. 

"I'm just unpacking my clothes."

"But I'm bored!"

"Tough."

I shrugged and turned away from her, lifting the lid of the first box.  I don't know what's wrong with my sister.  She treats everything that I do and say with some kind of worshipful attitude.  The attention is a little overwhelming at times.

"Are you excited?" she asked after a few minutes.  "We get to go to a new school tomorrow!  Do you want to make any new friends?  I do.  I want to have the most friends of anyone."

"How surprising," I remarked with a touch of sarcasm.  She was too young to pick up on it, of course, and just stared at me.  Dad could posture all he wanted about his new job and the nice town, but I knew why we really moved.  It was for me.  He actually hoped that I'd shape up in a new school with a clean record.  He wanted me to adjust.  "It's too quiet in here.  Ready for a little Metallica?"

I dropped to my knees by my new CD rack and brushed my fingertips over the cases. 

"Wait a minute…"  Everything was out of order, and I shot her a suspicious glance.  She shrunk a little under my intense gaze, but said nothing.  "Sakura, did you touch my music?"

"I was just looking at the pictures," she whimpered.  "They're so pretty - "

"You were in my room?" I asked coldly.  "Touching my CDs?  I've told you a hundred times not to do that!"

"But I just - "

"Get out.  Get out now."

"You can't make me.  Dad says you have to watch me."

"Dad isn't here, is he?"

She tried to wriggle away, but I snatched her and picked her up easily.  Unlike me, she's always been small for her age, and at seven she barely cleared my waist.

"Stop it, Onii-chan!" she shrieked.  "Put me down!  Put me down!"

"Okay."  Obediently I dumped her on the floor out in the hallway, then shut the door in her face.

"Onii-chan!  Let me in, please!  Onii-chan, open the door!"

"Not a chance."

"I'm telling Dad!"

"Good.  Maybe he won't ask me to baby-sit again."  Her little fists were banging on the wood as she continued to beg, but I popped in Reload and turned up the volume until she was drowned out.  If only I could do it for real.  Just turn up the music loud enough to block everybody out.  They could leave me alone in peace.

"Just like you," I said softly.  Pulling out a couple sweatshirts, I found the glassed-in frame.  I'd packed it with the clothes so it wouldn't be damaged, and withdrew it reverently.  She looked so alive in this one, so full of health.  It's really amazing how photos can lie.  They're even worse than people.

I scowled and placed the frame face-down on my empty desk.  I only like to look at her face on special occasions.  It's too painful to look at all the time.

- - - - - - -

I know my sister well enough to know that she probably sulked after I pushed her out, but by the time I emerged and put a pot on the stove to boil, she'd perked up again.

"Whatcha making?"

"You'll find out."

"When will Daddy be home?"

"Soon, I hope."  I wanted to go out again, now that the sun was setting.  Tomoeda didn't seem like a particularly interesting town, but outside the night seemed restless.  Like it was waiting for me.

Sakura interrupted my thoughts by trying to turn a somersault on the kitchen floor.

"Stop that."

"See how much better I'm getting?  I'm going to be the best!"

"The best monster.  Now get out of my way."  Dad had spent the day unpacking the kitchen things, but I didn't know where everything was and had to spend ten minutes opening all the drawers to find the chopsticks.  She'd moved on to cartwheels in the meantime.

"You know you shouldn't do that inside.  Stop it."

Sometimes I really hate my sister.  She is the world's worst pest.  Hyperactive and silly, she's never sat still for five minutes in her life, and she refuses to leave me alone.  What I hate most is how damn cheerful she is.  She almost never stops smiling, and she giggles at everything, whether it's funny or not. 

Ball of sunshine, Dad says.  He likes it.  He likes the way she brightens up the house, jumping onto his lap and giving him spontaneous hugs.  He never says it, but I catch him looking at me with those reproachful brown eyes, and I know what he's thinking.  He wants me to be more like her.

Yeah right.  It's easy for her; she doesn't remember a thing.  She was only three when it happened, and for her it's like Mom never existed.  She wasn't the one sitting out in the hall, listening to Mom take her last breath, helpless to do anything.

It's so unfair.

I thumped the dishes down a little harder on the table than I should have, and she looked up in surprise.

"Careful, Onii-chan," she lectured.  "If you break a plate, Dad will be mad."

"Oh no, anything but that."

She giggled and bounced her way to a chair.  "I like this house.  Do you like this house?"

"-t's okay."  I shrugged, then shot her a malicious grin.  "Except for the old man sitting on the couch over there."

It was classic.  She shrieked and dove under the table, curling up into a little ball. 

"Make it go away," she cried.  "Please!"

"I'll think about it."

At least she was sitting still for a minute while I set the table.  She was so easy to convince.  I used to wait until I really saw something, but I've long since stopped bothering to do that.  It wasn't as if she knew the difference.

"Onii-chan," she cried, beginning to sound truly panicked. 

"Jeez, you're such a wimp.  You are pathetic."

She said nothing, just continued to cry.  I blew my hair out of my eyes as I returned to the stove, ignoring her.  It might be a little noisy, but it was easily the quickest method of getting her out of the way. 

The door slammed.

"I'm home."

Sakura kept wailing.  I knew I was already bound to get in trouble, so I dumped some noodles on my plate and sat down.

"Hey Dad, how was the school?"

"Why is Sakura crying?"

I shrugged, innocent denial in my eyes.  He gave me a suspicious look before kneeling down on the floor.

"Sakura-san, sweetie, what's wrong?"

"Ghost," she sobbed.  "Onii-chan said a ghost is on the couch!"

He glanced sharply at me, and I just smiled.

"Sakura-san, there's no such thing as ghosts.  Touya-kun was just making it up."

"No he wasn't," she cried, and he gave an exasperated groan.

"Touya-kun, I've asked you not to say those things to your sister.  Can't you see how it scares her?"

I swallowed a mouthful of noodles.

"She deserved it.  She got into my CDs and messed everything up.  She knows she's not supposed to go into my room."

"She's only seven, Touya-kun, she's just naturally curious.  She likes to explore."

"Gee," I exclaimed, feigning surprise. "I can't believe you're actually taking her side."

"Touya-kun, I'm not taking her side.  I just wish you'd be a little more understanding.  She doesn't know any better.  Sakura-san, please come out from under the table.  Don't you want to eat dinner?"

"Unbelievable," I groaned.  "She goes into my room and you don't even care.  I didn't do anything but make dinner, and I'm the one getting yelled at."

"I'm not yelling, Touya-kun, I'm just - "

"It sounds like you're yelling to me."  I had had enough and stood up abruptly, so fast that the chair legs made a screech on the floor.  Dad winced.  "I've lost my appetite.  I'm going on a walk."

"Touya-kun, don't walk away from me when we're in the middle of a conversation."

"We're not in the middle.  We're done.  I'm out of here."  There wasn't any time to go upstairs and get my walkman, unfortunately.  I thundered out of the kitchen and slammed the front door behind me.  I knew he wouldn't try to follow.  He never did.  Sakura would keep his hands full for the rest of the evening.

- - - - - - - -

The sun had set, and I jammed my hands in my pockets as I watched the first few stars begin to twinkle.  The day had been warm, but the nights in early spring were still chilly.  I struck up a fast pace to keep warm, and was soon in another neighborhood that I hadn't seen before.  A picturesque stone bridge crossed a small creek, and a brick walkway wound its way between the water and a children's park.  A huge blue slide designed to look like a penguin glared menacingly in the dusk.  Sakura was going to love this place.

I scowled and kept walking.  Everything in this town was perfect, right down to the details.  It was disgusting.  Already I was starting to dislike Tomoeda.

"Fresh start, new beginning," I repeated to myself.  "Please, Dad.  We're never going to have those things, no matter how cute the town is and no matter how hard you try.  She's still not going to be with us.  She's still going to be gone!"

I kicked a tree in frustration and realized that I'd found another park.  No, this wasn't a park, exactly.  I took a step back and squinted to read the name on the arch.

"Tsukimine Shrine," I read aloud.  Sounded boring.  I turned away, and then hesitated.  Did I hear something?  Or was it something I saw?  There had been just the merest flicker in the corner of my eye, it seemed, and I turned back and crossed under the arch with slow steps.

"Is someone there?" I ventured, and there was no reply.  A soft breeze whisked the treetops, and a flurry of cherry blossom petals swirled in the air.  In spite of my stressful evening, I found myself beginning to relax and unwind, and took a deep breath.  There was something calming about this place.  It was quiet, private, like me. 

Humming under my breath, I wandered closer to the center, where I could see one tree standing apart from the others.  A short fence was erected around it, to denote its status.  This one was special.

I squeezed my fists and concentrated as more petals scattered in the night breeze.  Yes, this one was special, more than anyone else knew.  I didn't know exactly what it was, but this one was different.  It was calling me.

"Uh, hello," I said softly, and drew closer.  "I just wanted to say hi.  We moved here today."  It didn't seem such a terrible thing anymore, and I reached out to feel the texture of the rough bark.  I could swear I felt a flicker of excitement in the tree, and smiled.  "I'll be seeing you."

"Have you come to bid the tree good night?"  I jumped and whirled around.  My privacy hadn't been as complete as I thought, and I reddened at the sight of a woman standing by the little fence.  She didn't seem to notice my discomfiture and smiled sweetly. 

"Um, I…"

"You can see something in it, can't you?"

I swallowed and did not reply.  The thin clouds over the moon were disintegrating, and I got a better look at the intruder.  Long red hair flowed down her back, moving slightly in the breeze, though it was shorter in front, framing her face.  It was impossible to see what color her eyes were in the ambiguous light, but her lips were turned up in a little smile.  I decided that she wasn't quite so old as I'd first thought, upon examining her face.  Her voice sounded much older than she looked.

"You can see," she continued, "various things, can't you?"

How could she know?  How did she know my secret?  I felt exposed, vulnerable, and took a step closer to the tree to seek support.

"It must be difficult, seeing things that no one else can."

I could not tear my eyes away from hers.  She might as well have been commenting on the weather, for all her voice was so calm.  It was more than just the way she knew.  It was the way she believed.  She understood, and she believed completely.

"I'm used to it," I finally managed, my heart starting to beat fast.  She just nodded, then glanced up into the branches as if she also could see something invisible.  Then she looked back at my face, her gaze disconcerting.  It seemed almost as if she were curious.

"What's your name?"

"Kinomoto," I said slowly.  "Touya." 

Why had I just said that?  I never talk to women!  I never give them my first name!

"Nice to meet you, Kinomoto-san.  Do you go to school here?"

Who are you?  Why are you asking all the questions?  I can think of several I'd like to ask you!

"Yes," I said instead.

"What grade?"

As if it's any of your business.  Who the hell are you?

"Eighth." 

"Mm-hmm."  She nodded and smiled, paying no attention to the confusion that must have been all over my face.  "Well, see you tomorrow."

What did she mean by that?  Before I could ask any of the questions I was dying to ask, she turned and began to walk away.  In less time than I would have thought possible, she'd disappeared completely in the darkness.  I let out my breath, unaware I'd been holding it for a while.

"Well," I said, with only the tree to hear.  "That was different."

Its branches rustled slightly in agreement, and more petals came showering down.  Pink confetti, decorating me.  These flowers had always been her favorite.  I leaned back against the trunk and watched the full moon shine softly in the sky.  Everything was so quiet, and I took another deep breath.  And in spite of everything that had happened that day, and all the buzzing questions in my mind, I suddenly felt peaceful.

- - - - - - -

I was still enveloped in that tranquility when I returned home an hour later.  Dad was just emerging from Sakura's room when I got to the top of the stairs, and he gave me a cross look.

"Well, I finally got her to bed, no thanks to you.  Touya-kun, I really wish you wouldn't say those things to her.  She's terrified of ghosts, and she's got such an imagination."

"Yes, she does," I said amiably, turning the knob to my room. 

"You should haven't done it, Touya-kun."

"You're right.  I'm sorry."  I shut the door right after glimpsing his surprised expression, and could barely contain my smile.  I really didn't know where that had come from, either.  But I simply couldn't bring myself to get into another argument.  I wasn't in the mood.

I hit the switch on my stereo and turned down the volume.  Strains of a soft guitar ballad filled the room as I pulled off my shirt and flopped down on the bed.  I couldn't be bothered to shower and change.  My experience at that shrine had left me feeling drained. 

Who was she? 

The moon was glowing softly in the sky outside my window, and for just a second, as my eyes were closing, I thought I saw a face in it.  "Goodnight, Mom." 

I closed my eyes, and I slept.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters


	2. ch2 first day

**Chapter 2**

**'first day'**

_I'm looking at you through the glass_

_Don't know how much time has passed_

_Oh God, it feels like forever_

_But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home_

_Sitting all alone inside your head_

"Touya-kun?  Touya-kun, are you up?"  My eyes fluttered open at the insistent rapping on the door.  "Come on, it's your first day for school.  Wake up."

"I'm up, I'm up," I answered grouchily.  "Quit banging on the door, already."

"I wouldn't have to if you didn't insist on locking it."

I didn't bother to reply, turning off the stereo and rubbing my eyes sleepily.  Of course I had to lock my door.  Otherwise there was no way to keep out the monster.  She'd never leave me alone.

"I have to make breakfast," Dad continued out in the hallway.  "Could you do me a favor and make sure your sister gets up and dressed?"

He didn't wait for a reply, and I could hear his footsteps thudding down the stairs. 

"Actually," I said to the now-empty hallway, "I've got to shower and get dressed, so I'd really appreciate it if you just did that yourself.  I have enough to worry about without bothering with her as well."

But of course it was no use; he was gone.  I groaned and stomped down the hall, banging viciously on Sakura's door on my way to the bathroom. 

"Hey!  Wake up in there, short stuff.  Time to get ready."

I didn't stick around, but dove into the bathroom and turned on the shower.  Something had just occurred to my still-awakening mind, a notion that I did not particularly like.  Dad was starting his first day at his new job today, and would have to be going soon himself.  He was very likely going to ask me to take Sakura to her school.

I made a face as I scrubbed my scalp with shampoo.  On my first day at school, that was the last thing I needed.  Maybe if I dressed and ate fast enough, I could slip out the door before he'd have a chance to ask.

With that thought in mind, I hurriedly finished showering and almost ran back to my room to dress.  I was pushing my knees under the table before she'd even emerged from her room.

"Where's your sister?"

"I dunno.  Getting dressed, I assume."

"She needs to hurry, or she'll be late."

"Indeed," I agreed, taking a gulp of juice.  "Thanks, Dad, that was delicious.  I'm off to class."

"Wait just a minute, Touya-kun.  There's no need to rush."

"Sure there is.  I want to check out the building, figure out where everything is.  I hate asking for directions, you know that."

I hovered impatiently by the door, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Touya-kun, it would be a great help if you took your sister to her school.  I know it's close to yours, and I'm nervous about her going alone."

Damn.  My shoulders slumped and I leaned against the wall.

"Why do I have to do it?  Can't you take her?"

"Touya-kun, I've got to drive to the university.  This makes more sense.  I want you to walk her to school so she won't get lost."

It did make sense, that was what was so annoying about it.  I eyed with distaste the girl in the sailor suit skipping down the stairs. 

I can't do anything in my life without her tagging along, it seems.  Even starting a new school. 

"Hurry up, squirt, you're going to make me late."  She glared at me in between gulping her breakfast.

"Don't call me that!  I'm going as fast as I can."

"Well, it's not fast enough.  I'll be waiting outside.  If you're not there in five minutes, I'm leaving without you."  I didn't wait for Dad to say anything, but opened the door and left the house.  Sakura wasn't the only thing I wanted to avoid that morning.  I was afraid he was going to give me a –

"Touya-kun."

Oh no.  He'd come out onto the front porch, and that serious look was in his eyes.

"Yeah?"  The morning sunlight was bright, and I put on my Raybans.

"Today's your first day."

"You noticed that too, did you?"

"It's a new school, you've got a chance to do things right this time.  I'd really - "

"Appreciate it, I know," I interrupted.  "If I sit down, shut up, and do whatever they tell me to do."

"That wasn't what I was going to say," he said gently.  "Although yes, I would.  I'd really like it if you were happy here.  I want you to be happy."

I wasn't quite sure what to say to that, but Sakura broke the mood by barreling out the front door.

"-kay!" she yipped.  "I'm ready to go, Nii-chan, Nii-chan, let's go, let's go, let's go!"  She was so excited about her new school that she was almost sparkling.  Dad gave her a fond smile, and patted her on the head.

"Have a good day, sweetie.  I'll want to hear all about it tonight at dinner."

She nodded enthusiastically, then grabbed my hand to pull me out the gate.

"Come on, Onii-chan, what are you waiting for?  Let's go!"

"Let go of my hand."

"But Onii-chan - "

"We're not holding hands," I said firmly, and extricated myself from her grip.  "Little monster."

"Onii-chan!"  She brought her foot down hard on mine, and I grunted.  There.  That was better.  I grinned and turned my back on the house and Dad and began searching for my headphones.  I wasn't supposed to take music to school, but what he didn't know, didn't hurt him.  I put them on as soon as we'd turned the corner and were out of sight.

The cherry trees were everywhere on this road.  They'd been planted in rows lining the sidewalks, and were frothing with beautiful pink petals.  Sakura danced around me, holding up her hands and cooing with delight.  She loved them as much as Mom did, and it was uncanny how like her she could look at times.  The same green eyes, the same sparkle, the same animation.  It hurt to watch, and I kept my eyes on the sidewalk.

I knew she was talking to me, but the words were indistinguishable over the sounds of Guns n'Roses and I ignored her for the rest of the walk. 

It wasn't a long walk, fortunately, and soon I spotted her school rooftops over the houses.  This was where that clock tower was; it was part of the elementary school. 

"Here you are," I announced, pulling down the headphones.  "Tomoeda Elementary."

"It looks so pretty!"

"Whatever."  I pointed toward the front doors.  "Look, if you go in there you'll find the administration office.  Dad registered you and they're expecting you. They'll take you to your class, okay?"

"Okay!"  She began to bound away, and I had to snag her by the material of her shirt.

"Hold on, pistol.  About this afternoon – my school is just across the street.  I'll come by to pick you up, so just wait by that statue in the courtyard.  And don't talk to any strangers.  Don't go running off anywhere.  You got all that?"

"I know," she said impatiently, then gave me an impetuous hug around my waist.  Inexplicably, I felt a slight rush of blood to my face, and pulled her off.

"Don't do that in public.  Now go on, or you'll make me late."

"Have a good day, Onii-chan!"  And then she was off, sprinting towards the entrance, as if she'd been going there all her life and had a crowd of friends waiting to greet her.  She was good at stuff like that.

I shrugged and continued on my way to Tomoeda Junior High.  My new school, and I looked it over with not a little loathing.  Schools were all the same.  Teachers always talk about how they wanted their students to learn, but I knew it wasn't true.  My grades were perfect, and they hated me.  I didn't fit in.  I ignored them in class and refused to cooperate with the other students.  They wanted to label me a backwards student but they couldn't, thanks to my flawless performance on exams.  It irritated them no end, and I knew it wouldn't be any different here. 

I was stomping across the driveway when a loud roar cut through my thoughts.  Someone showing off on their moped wasn't paying attention, and was headed right for me and the girl in front of me.  Without thinking, I reached forward and yanked her out of his path, pulling her back towards me.

She yelped with surprise, then straightened and turned around, her chest heaving.

"Oh…thank you!  I didn't even see him coming."

"You all right?"

I flicked a disinterested gaze over her; she seemed fine.  Her blouse was rumpled, and she smoothed it carefully, combing her thick curly hair back behind her ears.  She was getting that look in her eyes, and inwardly I groaned as I saw her smile blossom.

"I'm fine," she purred.  "My hero.  I don't believe I've seen you here.  New?"

"Yeah."  I turned away and pulled my headphones back on again.  "Later."

"My name's - "  Her voice was lost in the wail of Axle Rose as I turned up the volume. 

_"…live and let die!"_ he screamed, and I heartily agreed.  Stupid.  I should have just let the guy hit her.  With any luck, she wouldn't be in any of my classes and I could forget about her.

A prickly feeling made me look up, and I saw that she wasn't the only one watching me walk away.  A guy about my age was standing by the steps, glaring at me.  He crossed his beefy arms and scowled.  I returned the favor, then strode into the school to find the head office.

Fresh start, Dad?  Yeah right.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I checked the little slip again, but there was no mistake.  Locker #52, and yet, it wasn't opening.

"Three to the right," I read carefully, "two to the left, and then seven to the right again."

Still it refused to open, and I blew my bangs out of my eyes in frustration.  They must have given me the wrong combination.

"Relax," someone said cheerfully.  A guy shutting his locker next to mine shot me what looked like a perpetual grin.  "Trust me, it's the right combination.  You just don't know the system yet."

"Excuse me?"

"The system.  Here, let me show you.  You have to do the combination twice before the locker will open.  Then, on the second time, you have to hit the door just below the knob, like this."  He demonstrated, giving a sharp rap on the metal door before pushing on the latch.  Sure enough, it opened.  "All part of the educational experience here at Tomoeda Junior High.  First lesson: how to let along in life with equipment that lets you down."

"Uh-huh."  I eyed him cynically as he chuckled at his own joke.  "You're the class clown.  Aren't you?"

"How'd you guess?"  He extended his hand.  "Call me Aki."

"Kinomoto."

"When did you get here?"

"Just yesterday."

"Eighth?"

"Yeah."

"Me too.  Need any help finding your classes in this maze?"

"I'll manage."  I threw my books in my locker and slammed it shut.  "This school's smaller than my old one."

"Where's that?"

"Tokyo."

"That must have been nice."  He smiled wistfully.  "More exciting than the suburbs, anyway.  Nothing ever happens out here."

"I think that's the plan," I muttered under my breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."  He was about to ask something else when someone slammed into me.  My books flew out of my arms and thudded on the linoleum floor of the hallway.  The side of meat that had been glaring at me outside continued walking, looking over his shoulder with a dark and threatening expression.

I held his stare until he looked away and disappeared into the crowd. 

"Whoa," Aki breathed, handing me my books.  "If looks could kill.  What did you do?"

I shrugged.

"Who is he?"

"Who is he?" Aki repeated in disbelief.  "Only Ryu Migake, that's who.  Steer clear of him.  He holds grudges, and doesn't let anybody get in his way in this school.  He owns it."  
"Good for him."  I took my books and glanced at the crumpled schedule in my hand.  "But I didn't do anything to him."

"Are you sure?"

"I just got here this morning!"

"All right."  Aki raised his hands and smiled.  "If you say so.  But that was a pretty nasty look he shot you.  Be careful."

Like hell I'd be careful.  That Ryu could just stay out of my way.  I had other things to worry about.

"Where's this grammar class?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Morning classes crawled by, and finally it was time for lunch.  As boring as Tomoeda was, at least it was cleaner here, and I inhaled the non-polluted air gratefully as I slouched on a picnic table bench and opened up the box Dad had packed.  There was a note tucked into the wrapping, and I pulled it out.

"Good luck," it read.  "Make me proud."

"Don't you ever give up?" I muttered, and crumpled up the note to throw it in the trash can.

"Love note?" someone inquired, and I looked up to see the brunette from this morning sliding into the seat across from me.  She dimpled flirtatiously and leaned forward, displaying her chest to its best advantage.

"Not likely," I said stiffly, and concentrated on eating.

"I didn't get a chance to introduce myself this morning.  My name's Kei Makimoto.  You can call me Kei."

She paused, waiting for my name, while I swallowed.  After a moment's silence, she tried again.

"Can you tell me your name?"

"Kinomoto."  I didn't bother to give her my first name, but it didn't deter her.  Instead she giggled.

"How cute.  Moto and moto.  We match."

I stared at my food, ignoring her, and finally she gave up. 

"Well, welcome to Tomoeda, hero.  I'll see you around."  She winked and got up.  Aki had been standing a few paces away with raised eyebrows, and as soon as she left, he hurried to fill her spot.  He gave a short whistle.

"Kinomoto, you must want to die.  What in hell were you talking to her for?"

"I wasn't.  She was talking to me."

"Believe me, he won't see the difference."

"Who?"

"Migake, of course.  Don't you know that Kei, beauty queen and princess of Tomoeda, is his girlfriend?"

Ah, that explains the dark looks.  I chuckled.

"Laughing in the face of death.  That's very heroic, Kinomoto.  I admire you."

"As if I'd ever go near her voluntarily.  Someone should tell him I'm not interested in his property."

"It'd be a waste of breath.  Ryu gets kind of possessive about her.  She knows it, and she likes to flirt with other guys, just to see what he'll do.  Kei is trouble."

"I could have told you that after I met her."  I finished my lunch and tossed it in the trash can.  "I feel like walking.  See you later." 

I could feel his worried gaze on me as I shouldered my bag and left the courtyard.  I really wasn't sure why I needed to get out of there, but I felt an overwhelming claustrophobia in the middle of the spacious yard, and a sense of suffocation.  Already these stupid nets of social gossip were threatening to close in around me, and I'd only just arrived.

I felt frustration welling up as I reviewed my situation.  It just wasn't fair.

Stomping along the empty corridors, I caught sight of an interesting name plate on one office, and knocked.

"Come in."  I pushed open the door to see a jovial looking individual reclining his chair.  His hair was starting to gray at the temples, but his eyes twinkled merrily with youth and vigor.  "What can I do for you?"

"My name is Kinomoto Touya."  I gave a slight bow.  "I know the season's already started, but I just moved here today.  Is there any chance that I can try out for the football team?"

"You play at your old school?"

"Starting right forward, sir."  His bushy eyebrows went up slightly and he picked up a sheet of paper. 

"Well, of course, all of our positions are long since filled, but I suppose we could always use a backup.  Why don't you suit up and come to practice this week?  Every Friday afternoon after class.  We'll see what you got."

"Thank you, sir."  I bowed respectfully again and left the office, almost smiling.  I should have thought to look for this man as soon as I got here.  Feeling better, I strode down the empty hallways toward where I thought my next class was. 

"Hey!"

I half-turned at the shout behind me and got a fist to the face for it.  Only an instinctive duck saved my nose from being bloodied, and as it was I could feel a throbbing on my jaw.  A bruise was bound to develop.

"Who do you think you are!" Ryu shouted again and swung.  I darted to the side and trapped his wrist, slamming his forehead into the wall of lockers behind me.

"You get one hit," I growled, then released him and backed away.  "No more freebies."

He rubbed his head and lunged for me again.  This guy was slow, his movements sloppy and relying on brute strength.  It was easy to sidestep him and yank on his wrist.  He went sprawling across the floor.

"Karate," I explained.  "Just made black before we moved here.  Dad lets me do it because he hopes that I'll drain off all my violent energy there.  Poor fool."

Ryu jumped to his feet and shot me a malevolent glare.

"You're a smart-ass, aren't you?" he growled, and I shrugged.  "I could tell just by looking at you.  You're new, so I'll cut you a break this time."  He backed away, and I tried to hide a smile.  I hadn't been quite the easy conquest he'd thought I'd be.  "But I better not catch you sniffing around my girl again."

"I wouldn't lose sleep over it, if I were you."

"Shut up.  And you better not even think about moving in on the football team.  I just made varsity forward, and I don't want to spend the season having to play with a loser."

I checked my watch.  Lunch would be over soon, and I needed to find my next class.

"Is that all?"

"Watch your step, Kinomoto.  Don't get in my way."

"Don't get in mine."

He looked aghast that I had issued such a challenge, but before he could say anything the bell rang and a flood of students converged into the hallway.  I raised my eyebrows slightly, giving him a mocking look, then turned to join the herd.  I knew it was stupid to get involved with this idiot, it wasn't as if he had anything I wanted, but I couldn't help it.  He was challenging my pride.  I can be so stubborn that way.

- - - - - - - - - - -

The afternoon schedule consisted only of two classes and study hall, and was even shorter than the morning.  I left the library and found my way to the last one of the day, math.  My favorite.  I had a sense of anticipation when I opened the door, but my enthusiasm was slightly dimmed by the sight of the teacher.  Ancient and withered, she sat slumped behind her desk and glared at the assembling students.  It didn't look as if she'd ever smiled in her life.

"Don't worry," hissed Aki as I slid into the seat next to his.  "Divine interference has spared us from the crone this trimester.  Algebra is being taught by a student teacher."

"Any good?"

"She's amazing.  Wait until you see her.  She's - "

But whatever he was about to vouchsafe was interrupted by the door sliding open once more.  All the male students in the room straightened their backs, goofy smiles spreading across their faces.  Even the girls perked up a little, evidence of how popular she must be.  Curiously I glanced over to the doorway and froze.  This was the absolute last thing I'd expected.

It was her.  Even out of the moonlight and under the harsh lights of the classroom, there could be no mistaking.  I was so surprised that it was a moment before I noticed she was staring at me every bit as much as I was staring at her.

Like a warm cinnamon brown, part of my brain decided.  That's what color her eyes are.  They're gentle and wise but good-humored too.

Then I shook my head and broke eye contact.  Good-humored?  Cinnamon brown?  Where did all that come from?

With the staring contest finished, she smiled again and walked to the front of the room, her long coppery hair swishing slightly with every step.

"Good afternoon, students," she said sweetly, her velvety voice floating over the heads of the class.  Everyone murmured a response.  "I hope you all had a good weekend.  Please open your books to page 16, and we will begin a discussion on variables within fractions."

She picked up a piece of chalk and then looked at me again, those eyes twinkling with delight.  She seemed so pleased with herself, not even minding the bewilderment written across my face.

She knew.  That one thought coursed through my mind as she began to write an equation across the blackboard, speaking in a language that I couldn't even begin to understand just then.  There were no sounds, only the sight of her face.

She knew.  She knew she would see me today?  How?  Who is she?  How did she know those things about me?

"Hey," someone said, tugging on my sleeve.

"Wha…what?"

"Class is over, Kinomoto.  Something tells me that you didn't hear the assignment she gave, so here it is."  Aki grinned and scribbled the page numbers across my empty notebook.  "It's not healthy to succumb to lovestruck fantasies during algebra, by the way, your grades will take a dive.  Take it from someone who knows."

"Lovestruck?" I repeated, forcing disdain into my voice.  "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Uh-huh."

"I was just – I…"  She was leaving the classroom now, gathering up her books and smiling at me before slipping out the door with the rest of the students.  "I mean, who is she?  What's her name?"

"Mizuki-sensei," Aki intoned dreamily.  "Took me a little digging to find out her first name.  It's Kaho."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was so dazed after that that I almost forgot to swing by the elementary school and collect Sakura.  She was sitting on the base of the statue in the courtyard, holding hands with some dark-haired girl and chatting as if they'd been best friends all their lives.

I gave a short whistle. 

"Squirt, let's move.  I got homework to do."  She scowled slightly at the use of one of my nicknames, then she said goodbye to the other girl and disengaged. 

"Coming, Onii-chan!"  She skipped over and greeted with me with another exuberant hug.  "I had the best first day!  Did you have a good day too?"

"It was… interesting."

"Everybody's so nice in my class," she raved, as we started walking.  "I had lunch with all my new friends.  There's Rika-chan, and Naoko-chan, and…"

I filtered her out as we walked along the rows of cherry trees.  How did she know?  Who was she?  Was she someone like me?  I'd never thought that anyone else could do what I could.  I'd never even considered the possibility.

"…and she didn't have an eraser, so I lent her mine, and I think we're going to be really good friends…"

But it was more than that.  It was the way that I was looking at her.  I don't look at girls that way, I haven't in a long time.  They're never anything but trouble, like Kei.  I don't look at girls trying to describe the color of their eyes or noticing what their hair does when they walk.

"…plus there's a cheerleading club that I can join!  I'm going to learn how to twirl the baton, and I'll get to learn dance routines and everything!  Well, I'm not old enough yet, but I will be next year and then…"

She has some kind of ability too, I reasoned, and that's why I'm noticing her.  It's not actually physical attraction.  It's just a meeting of kindred souls.  That's all.  I mean, she's probably way too old for me anyway.  I'm only fourteen, and she's… well, probably too old.  Why am I even thinking about that?

"You'll come, won't you?"

"Huh?"  I was startled by a sharp tug on my hand, and looked down into my sister's pleading eyes.  "When I get to be a cheerleader, and I get to dance, you'll come and watch right?"

"Uh, sure."

"Goody!" she declared, and jumped up and down a couple of times.  It was only then that I realized I'd been letting her hold onto my hand for the entire walk.  She was clutching onto it tightly, her soft baby skin rubbing against mine as she squeezed it happily. 

Oh no…no, this wouldn't do.  My throat went dry and I disentangled myself from her grip. 

"Stop yanking on my hand like that," I admonished, and then looked away from her hurt expression.  "Come on, we're home.  Run on inside and get changed.  I suspect Dad will have left a note putting me in charge of dinner."

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

My suspicion proved correct, and I was almost done when he finally returned later that evening. 

"Hey Dad."

"Touya-kun, how was school?  Did you like your classes?"

"It's school.  I have to go.  So what does it matter?"

His smile slipped a little, but then Sakura dashed into the room.

"Daddy!" she squealed, and leapt into his arms.  He grunted, but managed to swing her around once before setting her back down onto the ground. 

"You're getting too big to do that, sweetie.  Did you like your classes?"

"I loved them!  I have the best school!  Everybody's so nice and I'm going to be friends with everybody!"

Her cheer was unrelenting.  I rolled my eyes as I set out the plates, and caught him looking at me while she jabbered.  He looked away again, quickly, but I punched the cupboard door anyway. 

Why can't you be more like your sister, his eyes were always asking.  Why can't you just snap out of it?

Because I can't 'just snap out of it', Dad.  It's been four years, and it's obvious that I'm never going back.  Would you just accept it and leave me alone?

I banged the main dish down in the center of the table and he winced a little. 

"Are you hungry, Sakura-san?"

"Oh yes!"

"Then let's eat.  You can tell me more about your new friends."

I spent dinner staring at my plate, listening to Sakura's chatter and Dad's patient questions.  He hadn't even thanked me for bringing her home, not to mention making dinner.  Why did I even bother?

"Did they give you a lot of homework?"

"Yeah.  Some."  She moped, then brightened.  "But not too much.  Just a paragraph to write and five math problems.  Will you help me do them?"

"Well, I really need to put together the notes for my lecture tomorrow, but I'm sure Touya-kun would be happy to help you.  Math is his favorite subject, isn't that right?"

"Was until today," I murmured.

"What?"

"I've got work to do too, Dad."  I looked up.  "Can't she do it on her own?"

Sakura bit her lip and gave me a hopeful look, and Dad frowned slightly.

"What's that on your face, Touya-kun?"

"What?"  I was puzzled for a moment, then I put a hand to my cheek and remembered the new bruise.  "Uh, it's nothing.  Just an accident."

I couldn't quite meet his eyes and looked back down to the table.  When he spoke again, his voice was strained and terse.

"Sakura-san, would you run upstairs and start your bath please?"

"But what about - "

"You can have dessert in your pajamas, I promise.  Run along."

"Okay."  Even she seemed slightly dampened by the change in atmosphere, and gratefully hurried up the stairs.  Dad waited until she was out of earshot.

"It's happening again, isn't it?"

"Dad, don't overreact - "

"Not even a day, Touya-kun.  Not even one day!  You just couldn't wait to get into another fight, could you?"  He pushed away from the table and began to pace.

"The other guy started it, I swear.  Dad, I didn't want to." 

"Right.  Just like all those other fights that the other guys started back in Tokyo.  None of those were your fault either."

"Well, maybe I started some, but - "

"I asked you, Touya-kun.  I asked you to please keep your head and try your hardest in this new town.  You said you'd try!"

"No, you said that.  I didn't say a thing."  I stood up, starting to feel a little angry myself.  Maybe I could have pressed harder that I really didn't start this one, but what did it matter?  He wouldn't believe me anyway.  He had no reason to.  "This was your move, your new job, your new beginning.  You babied it like it would change everything in our lives, when you knew damn well it wouldn't.  I'm not going to start skipping and singing all over the place just because we're in the suburbs now.  Would you face reality and understand that?"

"Why are you doing this to me?" Dad pleaded.  "I am trying so hard to be there for her, and I depend on you for your help.  How can I ask you to look after Sakura when I can't even trust you to keep yourself in check?"

"Since when are we talking about Sakura?" I almost shouted, and he motioned at me to keep my voice down.  "That's all it's about, isn't it?  Don't disturb Sakura, don't get mad at Sakura, take care of Sakura, make sure Sakura's all right!  Why is she the important one?  What about me?  Doesn't it ever occur to you that I might want to do something other with my life than look after her?"

Dad pressed his lips together and waited before replying.

"She's so little, Touya-kun.  And she doesn't have a mother.  She needs someone.  She looks up to you, and I can't have her looking up to you when you're starting fights all over school."

Did I have to point out to him that I didn't have a mother either?

"I didn't ask for her to look up to me.  I didn't ask for a little sister to follow me everywhere and hang on my every word.  Why should I have to be the responsible one?"

"Because you're the oldest.  It's your duty."

"Screw that," I snapped.  "I'm not going to obsess about my actions because it _might_ set a bad example.  It's my life, and I'll live it how I damn well please."

"I won't let you," he said coldly.  "I will not let you set a bad example for her, when she's at such a delicate phase. I can't do this all alone.  I need you to be there for her."

"I don't want to!"

He was silent for a moment, and I almost regretted my words.  He looked as though I'd just hit him.

"She needs you, Touya-kun.  I would have thought you'd be glad to help, if you loved her.  Don't you love her?"  I swallowed and didn't speak, and the silence grew heavy after a while.  Finally he looked away.  "Go to your room, Touya-kun."

"Excuse me?"  I hadn't heard him say something like that since I a kid.

"I can't look at you right now, just please go.  I'll wash up."

He actually couldn't look me in the face.  I felt a flush of guilt at my actions, but it was impossible to say I was sorry.  I could never explain it to him.

Uncertainly I took a step backwards, then plodded up the stairs.  My hand was on the doorknob when I paused.  My bare and empty room was not the refuge I needed.

I opened the door and then slammed it hard, without entering.  I could still hear my sister splashing in the bathroom, singing tunelessly, blissfully unaware of the words exchanged below.  I'd only been in her bedroom once, but I remembered that she was the one that had a tree reaching up to the window.  I crept down the hallway and into her room.  It was narrower but longer than mine, with windows on both corners.  A bench cushion that was piled high with her stuffed animals stood under the west window, and I stood on it in my socks to pull at the glass.  I would have to climb down in just them, but I could get my shoes from the front porch if I was really quiet.  I couldn't believe that I was actually having to sneak out of the house at fourteen, but desperate times called for desperate measures.  And so I reached out to grasp the nearest limb and swung down.

- - - - - - - - - - -

She was there when I finally arrived, dressed in a kimono and sweeping the ground just before the huge old cherry tree.  Once again she seemed utterly unsurprised to see me when I got there, just looked up and nodded.

Only now that I was there, I wasn't really sure what to say.

"You're the student teacher for my class," I began dumbly.  "That's why you said you'd see me."

It wasn't what I wanted to say, and somehow she knew it.  She helped me by prodding along the conversation.

"I had no way of knowing you would be in my particular class."

My heart thudded a little more loudly in my chest.

"Then…how?"  She gave a tiny shrug.

"Just a feeling."

A feeling.  Like the ones that I got?  Who was this woman?

"I'm so glad you're here now," she spoke up, interrupting my thoughts.  "I think we'll become good friends."

She extended her hand, but I hesitated.  So many things were happening in my life right now; everything was spinning out of control.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, an alarm was warning me that this was going to be just one more thing to worry about.

"Is that a 'feeling' too?" I asked suspiciously, but she just smiled innocently.

"No.  More like wishful thinking."

That threw me for a loop, and after another heartbeat of indecision I took her hand and shook it.

I was standing face to face with her.  She hadn't looked especially short standing before the class, but at fourteen I could look her easily in the eye.  Was I really that tall?  How old was she?  Who was she? 

"There's a lot of things I want to ask you."

"Yes, I'm sure.  Would you hold this dustpan for me?"

"Huh?"  She was crouching and picking up a wooden pan, holding it out towards me. 

"I need to sweep.  The Shrine is my responsibility to keep clean, and I must make sure to do the job properly.  It helps to have another pair of hands."

"Oh."  I knelt on the ground and watched her sweep the scattered petals and leaves into the dustpan.  "Does it always take you this late into the night?  The sun's already down and everything."

"Mm-hmm.  Sometimes, very late, depending on the day.  People leave trash sometimes, and that takes extra effort."

"But you're training to be a teacher.  Why are you doing this?"

"I'm the only daughter.  It is my duty."

I looked up sharply at that, but she just smiled and indicated for me to move the dustpan slightly. 

"Every day?"

"Every day."

"Don't you ever get tired of it?"

"Sometimes.  It's not very much fun, when you're alone.  But sometimes someone will come along, and then it can be pleasant.  You never know who you will meet in a shrine like this."

Like me, for instance.  But I had the feeling she was saying more than she was saying.

"But you have to do it.  You have no choice."

"Well, when you come right down to it, everyone has a choice about everything they do in life, except who they're born to.  I could refuse, I suppose.  But deep down, I really don't want to.  I took on the responsibility, and now that I've started, I can't just stop.  I like caring for the shrine.  It's almost as if it were my child.  Just dump them over there in that bin, please."

"Right."  Obediently I crossed over to the little stand, now closed, and dumped the leavings into the bin by the corner.  When I turned around, she was gazing up at the blooming cherry tree with an expression of awe on her face.

"It's amazing, isn't it?" she said quietly.  I wasn't exactly sure what she was talking about, and I searched the tree for something unusual.  "No, you're looking at it right now.  The tree.  When the cherry blossoms wave in the breeze under the moonlight, it's like nothing else.  So very beautiful."

She was right, I guess, and I took a second to appreciate the blossoms like I hadn't in a while.  It was so easy to take them for granted.

"It's moments like this when I am so proud to be the caretaker of this shrine.  I look at beauty such as this and know that I helped to preserve it.  I don't mind being responsible for it.  It's worth it."

I couldn't help it, a hard choking noise ripped from my throat, and she gave me a concerned look.

"What's wrong?"

"Sorry," I gasped, and slid down the side of the fence until I was on the ground.  I hadn't meant to break down like this in front of her, and I could feel my face reddening even as I stared at my feet.  "I'm sorry.  I – I just had this fight with my dad and…" 

I couldn't finish, I didn't want to tell her what we'd been fighting about.  I was embarrassed to repeat those things I'd said.

She didn't question me, but knelt before me until I was looking in her eyes.

"It's all right, Touya.  He's your father.  He'll forgive you.  Everything heals with time."

I shook my head.

"You didn't see the way he looked at me."

"I see the way you look right now.  You want to make it right, and therefore you will."

Hope stirred a little in my chest at that, and I took a second to drink in the sight of her face.  She was so pretty, with high cheekbones and a delicate but strong nose.  Her skin was milk white in the moonlight.

"It's going to be hard to go back."

I wasn't just talking about facing Dad again, and somehow, I think she knew that too.  She just nodded and stood up again, then offered her hand.

"You'll be fine.  You're very strong, you know."

I wasn't so sure about that, but there didn't seem to be any room in her tone for argument.

Her hand was still in mine.  She had a strong grip, much stronger than I would have guessed.  Her touch felt nice.  But this time, I didn't push the other hand away.  After another beat of silence, she let go and I backed away from her, preparing to leave.  I couldn't believe that I was going already, when I wanted so much to stay near her, but the time had come. 

"See you tomorrow," she said lightly, and waved.  I muttered something and turned away, picking up my pace.  Even though I couldn't see, I knew her eyes followed me all the way out of the shrine.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I didn't climb back up the tree to reenter the house.  Instead I turned the key and opened the front door, kicking off my shoes casually.  Dad was on the couch, reading a book and making some notes on his pad, and his head jerked up in surprise.

"I'm sorry," was all I said before crossing the room and heading up the stairs once more. 

Behind me, there was nothing but stunned silence.

I entered my bedroom and flopped down on the bed, my hand reaching for the stereo switch. 

It wasn't until I rolled over to look out at the moonlight did I realize I hadn't gotten around to asking her a single question.  I still knew nothing about her.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters.


	3. ch3 renegade fighter

**Chapter 3**

**'renegade fighter'**

_I'm a lover, I'm a winner, I'm a fighter_

_Gonna set your soul on fire!_

_I'm a lover, I'm a renegade fighter_

_Gonna set your soul on fire!_

She was right.  I don't know if he forgave me, exactly, but he didn't say anything about our argument the next morning, and neither did I.  I think he noticed that I didn't yell at Sakura for taking too long, and waited for her before setting off without a word of complaint.  That night after school he came home early enough to fix dinner, and when he asked me politely how my day was, I responded in a carefully neutral tone that it had gone very nicely.

Strained, a little, but at least civil.  I knew it wasn't right, that it wasn't the relationship that it ought to be, but it was impossible to reach out.  I had to explain why I'd said those things, and I didn't want to do that.  It was easier to just pretend it never happened, and he seemed anxious to do the same. 

I really was trying harder, I decided with a touch of pride.  Maybe I resented it, still, but I kept my mouth shut that week about taking Sakura to and from school.  I leaned against the railing after warming up to give her a final warning.

"Just sit here in the bleachers, okay, squirt?  I'm going to be over there on that bench, and I won't be able to check on you after we get started.  I need you to sit still and not run off anywhere." 

"What am I going to do?" she whined, already looking bored.

"Do your homework."

"I don't have any."

"Well, read or something.  Watch me play."

"Can I cheer for you?"

"No!"  She pouted, but I patted her on the leg and turned away to retreat to the bench.  "Just sit still and be quiet.  Thank you."

Surely even she could contain herself for a couple of hours.  I pushed her out of my mind as the coach began to line out the first drill.

I like football.  Always have, ever since I was Sakura's age.  I know it's supposed to be a team sport, but once I've made contact with that ball, it's like everybody else disappears.  It becomes just me, the ball, and the opposition.  Fighting for that goal is something simple that I can do, that I can accomplish.  In my disaster of a life, it's a good feeling.

It had been a while, but already my muscles were falling into the familiar pattern as I zigged in and out through the orange cones, then kicked low and hard.  The goalie threw himself to the side with a grunt, but to no avail.  My shot hit the net with a satisfying swish, and I felt the whoosh of surprise go up from the team.  Coach raised his eyebrows slightly and made a mark on his clipboard.  And Ryu… I knew what I would see before I looked in his direction.  His eyes were smoldering.  I couldn't resist giving him a mocking grin. 

Drills continued for a while, then he picked out a lineup for scrimmage. 

"Let's see… Kinomoto, let's try you out in your position.  Right forward for the blue team."

"Yes sir."  With a smirk in Ryu's direction I picked up a strip of blue cloth and tied it securely over my forehead.  He was tying on a red one, preparing to assume the position opposite from me.  Perfect.

I don't know what it is about me.  I know what Dad said; I know what he wants.  But his words and his pleading eyes just melt away when I'm faced with a challenger.  Nothing else is as important as proving myself.  It doesn't matter who, it doesn't matter when.  It always happens sooner or later.  I came to the conclusion a long time ago that there are many out there like me, and that we can sense each other.  Like animals that have to battle for territory, or something.  We find each other, and then nothing will satisfy us until we've engaged in combat. 

The center forwards rushed toward the ball as Coach blew his whistle, and I tensed slightly in readiness.

The playing fields vary, but the combat always happens one way or another.  I know this.  What I don't know is why I was swept up in the conflict in the first place.  I didn't use to be like this.  I don't really remember what I was like before, though I guess I must have been like any other boy. 

Someone on my team managed to kick the ball sideways and I darted forward, snatching the ball from someone in red just in time.  Aggressively I dribbled past another offense man and shot forward.

It doesn't matter.  I'm this way now, and that's all that's important.  It's like a process of natural selection, and I'm determined not to be left behind in the evolutionary process.  I won't give up.  _I_ won't go quietly into the night. 

Ryu was coming up on me, I could see, and I passed the ball to someone else in blue.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

He slammed into me at full speed just a second too late, and we both crashed to the ground.  I'm taller, but he's heavier by far and I had to swallow a groan as I picked myself up off the grass.  He gave me a smug look and I snarled, readying my fists, but before we could leap at each other, the coach interrupted us.

"Migake!  Shape up out there, that could cost us a penalty shot on the field.  Do I need to remind you that this is not American football?"  He didn't wait for a response but turned in my direction.  "Good play, Kinomoto.  I'm impressed.  You all right?"

There was the coppery taste of blood in my mouth, but I just spat it out and shrugged.

"Fine."

"Good.  Let's keep playing then.  And for the love of the game, Migake, take it down a notch or you're benched.  I mean it."

Ryu said nothing, but glowered at me silently.  Like it was my fault.

I can imagine how much he wanted to go at it, but Coach's threat must have been enough to keep him at bay.  The rest of the game continued uneventfully, and I didn't get an opportunity to score a goal.  At last we ended with one point each, when the sun was nearing the treetops.

"That's enough," he finally declared.  "Good practice, boys.  Game tomorrow at six.  Kinomoto, hope to see you there."  He grinned broadly in my direction.  "Come by my office tomorrow to get a uniform."

I nodded and bowed. 

"Thank you, sir."

I was chugging water when I happened to glance across the field to the parking lot and caught sight of her.  It would have been impossible not to.  The setting sun glinted off of her hair, reflecting in an auburn shine.  I forgot all about Ryu and football as I found myself jogging lightly over to the cars.  We hadn't really spoken since Monday night when I helped her clean the shrine, but we'd been trading stares in math class all week.  Something about this woman made me nervous, scared, but it was impossible to stay away from her.  She was as tantalizing as the promise of a good fight.

"Touya," she greeted me, juggling a large box of files and papers in her hands.  "You look like you had a good time out there."

"Maybe.  Can I help you carry those?"

"Thank you, they are rather heavy.  So many assignments to grade."  I took the box off her hands and followed her past the cars.

"I made the team.  I think he might even put me in the game tomorrow."

"Congratulations."

"Do you…" I strove to keep my voice light.  "Do you ever come watch them?"

The barest hint of a smile curved up her lips as she searched for her keys.

"Well, I haven't in the past.  Athletics doesn't interest me very much.  But I suppose if I had a friend on the team that I could cheer for, that would be nice."

She opened her car door and stepped aside.

"Just there on the backseat, please."

I hefted the box onto the seat cushion, then stood up and backed away.  I was covered in sweat and knew I didn't make a very attractive appearance, but she didn't seem to notice.  She was looking at me like a handsome millionaire was standing by her car instead of one of her scruffy students.

"Thank you for your help," she said at last, and I quickly shook my head.

"It was nothing.  Thank you for yours."

"Mm-hmm."  She shut the rear door and prepared to get in, then paused.  "There's more to life than fighting for survival.  Don't forget that in the game."

I was so surprised that I didn't even say anything as she shut the door and started the engine, then backed up and left the parking lot. 

"Mind reader," I muttered, then shivered.  It's creepy when someone knows what you're thinking.

A cool breeze blew, bringing me back to the present, and I realized how long the shadows were getting.  It was time to go, and I forced my tired and aching body to jog back to the field.

"Sakura, time to go."

The field and bleachers were utterly empty, all of the team had already scattered. 

"Sakura?"  I felt a prickle of nervousness as I looked around.  The little brat was nowhere to be seen.  "Sakura!"

"Onii-chan!" someone cried.  She sounded close, but I couldn't see anyone.

"Sakura?  Where are you?"  I wandered around the side of the bleachers and peeked underneath.  Sure enough, she was there, hanging by her knees on one of the beams, almost invisible in the darkness.

"Onii-chan, help me!"

"What are you doing?"  Now that I'd found her, my anxiety faded to impatience.

"I was practicing," she said plaintively.  "I can jump up and hang upside down now, but I don't know how to get back down!"

She couldn't have been more than a foot off the ground, but she looked so helpless.  I chuckled.

"It's not funny!"

"Sure it is.  This is really easy to get out of.  I'll show you.  Put your hands on the bar like this."  I took her hands in mine and placed them next to her knees.  "Now kick your legs up over your face."

"I can't do that!"

"Sure you can.  The weight of your legs will pull them back down to the ground, and then you just let go with your hands.  You'll land on your feet."

"I'm scared!"

"Don't worry.  I won't let you fall, I promise.  But you have to figure out how to do this on your own.  Next time I might not be around to catch you."

She sniffled, but the blood was beginning to rush to her head and she couldn't wait much longer.  Hesitantly she kicked her legs up, almost catching me on my nose.

"Now let go!"  She obeyed and released her grip, landing more or less on her feet, though she stumbled and almost fell on her butt.  I caught her just in time.  "There.  See?  That wasn't so hard."

A little woozy, she shook her head to clear it, then beamed at me.

"Thank you, Onii-chan!  That was so much fun!"  She threw herself on me, and I had to push her off.

"I've told you not to do that.  Now come on, I'm starving.  Time to get home."

"Okay!" 

Her little misadventure already forgotten, she skipped ahead of me on the walk home.  It was rare for me to be so nice to her, and she was simply glowing with the unexpected treatment.  I wasn't feeling so bad myself, when we arrived home and saw Dad's car in the driveway.

"Daddy's home already!"  She rushed through the front door, and I heard him grunt as she threw herself on his lap.  "Hi Daddy!"

"Sakura-san, where have you been?  Where's Touya?"

"Onii-chan brought me home!"

I entered the front door and slammed it shut behind me, wearily kicking off my shoes.

"Touya-kun, where have you two been?  I was expecting everybody to be home when I got here."

"Football practice!" she explained, before I could open my mouth.  Dad's eyes widened a bit, and I knew what he was thinking about.  
"You joined the football team?" he asked quietly.  I nodded.

"Sort of.  I mean, I just made it today."

"You could have said something."

I shrugged.  "It didn't come up."  He was hurt, I knew, and I just looked away.

"I see," he said carefully.  "Well, you look like you could use a shower, so go on up.  I'll start dinner.  Sakura-san, would you like to help set the table?"

"Sure!"  She wriggled out of his arms and skipped into the kitchen.

"Touya-kun."  I paused, my foot on the first step.  "You're going to… play nice, right?"

I stared at the carpeting on the stairs.

"I play to win, Dad.  You know that.  Always have."

He didn't have anything to say to that, and I trudged up the stairs.  I couldn't ever remember being so tired.

- - - - - - - - - - -

"So, basically, you just switch the numbers."

"It's a little more complicated than that, Aki.  Combining various elements into molecules involves the exchange of electrons, bonding them together to form new substances."

"But when that happens, you just switch the numbers."

"Well… yes."

"Aha!  I knew that chemistry teacher was confusing me for no reason."

I rolled my eyes as I opened my locker.  Aki was in every other one of my classes, and he'd taken it upon himself to try and make sure I was included with his gang of friends in the library and lunch common.  He seemed a friendly guy, like most, and a little bothered that I didn't particularly care about making friends.  Generally he spent most of his time trying to figure out how to get on teachers' nerves, which earned some of my respect, although he did so by purposely (from what I could tell) doing bad on his schoolwork.  He would also endeavor to wear a printed Hawaiian shirt over his school uniform.  The guy was weird, but harmless.

"On the exam, you're going to need to know why you switch the numbers.  Trust me."

"Aw, the exam isn't for another week.  No need to get worked up about it anytime soon.  What're you doing this weekend?"

I paused thoughtfully, then stepped to the side, just in time to avoid Kei.  No doubt she'd meant to stumble into me, but almost banged her head into the locker instead.

"Ouch!  Oh, Touya, how clumsy of me.  I almost crashed right into you."

She recovered nicely and leaned against the lockers, arching her back and smiling. 

"Lucky miss," Aki agreed, with a straight face.

"So, Touya, I've invited you over to my house twice to tutor me on my chemistry.  That's twice more than I've ever had to ask a guy.  What's it going to take, hmm?"

"Miracle," I said shortly, and slammed my locker shut, almost catching her hair.  She squeaked and cringed, but it didn't scare her off.  Nothing did.  The more I brushed her off, the more intrigued she seemed to become, until she was practically shadowing me in the halls.  I got the impression that she wasn't used to guys rejecting her.

"I heard you're playing in the game tonight.  Did you know I'm on the cheerleader squad?  I'll be rooting for you."

"Don't need it."  I turned on my heel and began striding down the hall.  She elected not to follow and instead pulled out a comb, leaning back against my locker and watching me go.  Aki was snorting with glee as he tried to match my long steps.

"I can't believe how you're stringing her along like this, Kinomoto, most guys would have given in on the second day.  I know I would have."

"Terrific."

"You're missing your chance, man.  Forget about Ryu.  When in your life are you ever going to have a gorgeous brunette throwing herself on you?"

"Never again, I hope," I grunted.  "I've got enough to deal with thinking about the game tonight."

"Nervous?"

"No, not really."  He pushed aside the door to math class and we entered.  She hadn't arrived yet, and I wondered again if she would come that night.  What would it be like to play, knowing she was watching me?  Would it make me nervous, or even more aggressive?

It would be interesting to find out.

- - - - - - - - -

"Can I sit up front?  So I can watch the cheerleaders?"

"That's fine."  I sat Sakura down on the front seat of the bleachers and put my bag at her feet.  "Just please don't go running off this time.  There are a lot of people here, and you could get lost.  Just sit right there, and watch the cheerleaders."

"Okay!"

"Good girl."

"Good luck, Onii-chan!"

"Shh.  Don't shout like that."  I blushed as a few people looked our way.  "And by the way, please don't cheer for me when I'm on the field.  It'll distract me."

She looked a little disappointed, then she perked up again when the squad filed out from the school waving their pom-poms and batons. 

"I have to go now.  Have fun."  Quickly I backed away from Sakura and went to join the team.  The last thing I needed was for Kei to see me talking to her; she'd probably try to adopt Sakura.

Of course, that would solve everything.  I chuckled and began to stretch.  But Dad wouldn't appreciate it. 

Both teams went through their traditional warm-ups, then the coaches shook hands.  The first string players, which did not include me, scrambled out to fill their positions.  The forward kicked off, and the game had begun.

I couldn't help it; I twisted slightly on the bench to scan the bleachers.  Surely with that hair, she'd be easy to spot, even in the thickening dusk.  But I couldn't see her anywhere.

Kei, prancing with the other girls, caught my eye and winked.  Hastily I turned my face back out to watch the action on the field.  It was nearing the end of the first quarter, and still neither team had scored.  I'd already forgotten the name of the opposing school, but it was obvious they were pretty tough.  I watched one of them battle savagely for the ball, knocking down my teammate so he could get a clear shot.  The ref blew his whistle, and the guy groaned impatiently.

The sun had almost disappeared, and the field lights snapped on, bathing the players in a sudden harsh light.

That guy there, he was another one.  Another challenger.  I hope I get the chance to go against him. 

Our team was playing their hardest, half-time came and went, and still no goal. 

"Migake, take a break.  Kinomoto, you're up."

"What?"

"No argument," Coach said firmly.  "The offense tonight isn't getting anywhere, and I want you to take a break.  Let the new guy take a turn."

Ryu fumed, but I just smiled and pulled off my warm-up pants.

"You heard the man, Ryu.  You want to win tonight or not?"

I didn't think it was possible for him to get any redder, but I was wrong.  His whole face went scarlet as he sat with a thump on the bench, and I jogged lightly to my place on the field.  The night breeze was cool, but I knew I wouldn't feel it in a few minutes.  All that mattered was the game.

The player threw the ball back in the field, and I was galvanized into action.  Instinctively running alongside a teammate, I kept pace until he saw me and passed the ball.  Someone tried to intercept it, but I caught it in time and began dribbling.  A cheer went up from the crowd.

I was almost humming under my breath as I slid past the half-backs, the ball making a comforting thwacking noise against my shoes.  Another song was running through my mind, carrying me along.  The world had become simple.  There was nothing but me, and the ball, and the people in my way.

I am a fighter.  I will fight you, and I will win.  Do not try to get in my way.

I blitzed past the fullback, desperately trying to intercept me.

The other fullback slammed into me and the ball went straight up into the air.  I caught it with my head and bounced it away before he could touch it, then jumped and kicked. 

It went flying past the stunned goalie and into the net.  I'd scored the first goal of the game within minutes of walking onto the field, and the bleachers erupted in cheers.  I didn't notice.  I was leaning over, my hands on my knees, breathing raggedly as I returned to reality. 

I will fight you.  And I will win.

I wiped my brow with my sleeve and returned to my position.

- - - - - - - - -

Of course, after that stunt the other team wouldn't let the ball get anywhere near me.  They surrounded me with their men in an effort to intercept any pass, determined that I not be allowed to score.  It was their undoing.  With all their energy poured into playing defense, they never even managed to get the ball close to our goal.  The final quarter was ticking away, and I could see their forwards were getting desperate.  The big one sailed in and grabbed the ball, making a bid to dribble across the halfline. 

Oh no, you don't. 

He was going right past me and I ran lightly to the side.  He never saw me coming until it was too late, and I stole the ball neatly out from underneath his feet.  I thought I'd made a clean getaway, but I didn't move quite fast enough.  One of his feet managed to snag mine, and I hit the grass hard.

It hurt, and I could hear the crowd on the bleachers booing, but I just smiled as I leapt to my feet.  Finally the chance to –

_There's more to life than fighting for survival.  Don't forget that in the game.  _

I sucked in my breath, and of all things, hesitated.  He smirked at me in the eerie glow of the field lights, the spark of challenge in his eyes.  He was daring me.  I raised my fists again.

_You don't have to do this, Touya.  You're more than a fighter._

I gasped and took another step back, much to his and my surprise.  Finally the ref arrived, still blowing on his whistle.

"Foul, foul!  One free kick for Tomoeda!"

He groaned and started to argue with the ref, but I paid no attention.  Instead I turned my head and searched the bleachers.  It was so dark… impossible to see.  But I knew she was there.  She was standing up at the top, on the very last bench, her long hair waving in the night breeze.  And I knew she was smiling.

- - - - - - - -

The other school never did manage to score a goal, and we ended up winning 2-0.  I was the team's new hero, and they all crowded around me with words of congratulations.  Minus Ryu, naturally.  I lost track of him in the crowd, as I sought to escape all the attention from my teammates and the cheerleaders.  Finally I caught sight of her leaving the bleachers and hurried to catch up.

I never said a word, but she knew I was behind her and she turned.  Her warm brown eyes twinkled as we stared at each other in a moment of silence.

"I – I could hear you," I ventured, and she nodded.  "You were talking to me, and I could hear your voice in my head."

"Yes."

"How?"

"Perhaps you have very excellent hearing."  I didn't know quite what to say to that, so I remained silent.  She spoke again.  "What is far more interesting, is that you actually listened."

She was right.  I actually backed down from a fight.  I've never done that before.  At that moment, a kind of funny tingle went through me, like a half-memory of how things used to be.  The way I was before.  She didn't say anything, but I think she could feel it because her smile grew even more and there was a look of approval in her eyes.

"What - "

"Onii-chan!" someone shrieked, and Sakura barreled into me at high velocity.  "Wow, that was the bestest game you've ever _ever_ played and it was _so_ cool!"

I was sore from all the activity and uttered a grunt of pain as she slammed into me and then began jumping up and down.

"Knock it off, you little monster."

"Onii-chan!  I'm not a - "

"Shut up.  You are."  I picked her up and held her easily under one arm while she kicked and struggled.

"Hey, put me down!"

"Excuse me," I said, polite once more.  "My sister is a little hyperactive."

Kaho laughed lightly, and shot what looked almost like a curious look toward the little girl with pigtails in my grasp.  For a horrible moment, I thought she was going to be like everyone else when they meet my sister.  It doesn't matter who they are, no one can keep themselves from gushing about how cute she is when they first lay eyes on her.  It's disgusting, and probably going to give her a huge ego one of these days. 

But Kaho did nothing of the kind.  She just smiled at her, then looked back at me.  I think she was about to say something when someone else interrupted us.

"Touya-kun!  There you are.  Great game."

"Dad?"  Indeed, there he was, standing a little ways away and beaming happily.  "What are you doing here?"

"It's your first football game, why shouldn't I be here?"

"Uh, yeah."  I was startled, and I know it showed on my face.  He saw the look and his smile faded somewhat.  "Um, thanks."

"I got here right when you scored that goal.  Congratulations.  You played a wonderful game."

Translation:  I saw you back down from that other player.  I'm so proud that you actually used your head for once.

I scowled slightly and looked at the ground.  True, it did feel strange that I'd resisted conflict, but I didn't do it for him.  I felt an urge to tell him that, then bit my tongue.

"Good evening," Kaho finally said to cover up the awkward pause.  "I'm Kinomoto-san's math teacher for this trimester.  Your son is a wonderful student, I'm so glad he's in my class."

Dad's eyebrows went right up as he turned to Kaho.  He was so surprised that he didn't say anything at all for a moment.

"Er, hello," he finally managed.  "I'm glad to hear that.  Math is one of his favorites."

"I know.  He's quite intelligent, as well as athletic.  You must be very proud."

I flushed slightly.  Dad, proud of me?  Yeah right.  But he was nodding slowly.

"I am.  Now, if you'll excuse us, it's time for Sakura to get to bed.  It was nice meeting you."  He bowed, and she copied him before turning and wandering away in the crowd.  I couldn't help it; I followed her willowy walk with my eyes until Dad had to clear his throat.  "Touya-kun?  Can we get going?  Your sister should not be out this late."

"I can _so_ be out this late," she murmured, though not very forcefully.  The excitement of the game had clearly worn her out, and she was no longer struggling to escape my hold on her.  Wearily I hiked her up and carried her as I followed Dad out into the parking lot. 

He paused with his keys still in the lock, and looked over the roof of the car.

"She seems nice.  Your teacher."

It was so dark.  Was that just the merest hint of suspicion in his eyes?  I couldn't trust myself to respond neutrally, so I just nodded.

"It was a good game, Touya-kun.  I'm proud." 

And with that, he unlocked the car and slid into his seat.  We drove home in silence.

- - - - - - - - -

The next day was torture lying around the house and waiting.  I suppose I could have left to go on a walk, there was no reason I couldn't go in the afternoon.  But I resisted the impulse.  I had the strangest feeling that I wasn't allowed to be there while it was still daylight, the tree wouldn't like it unless I came at night.  That was the right time to be there.

And so I waited, listening to one song after another until Dad cooked dinner and fed us, and he retreated upstairs to tuck Sakura in.  I left the house at a fast pace, and it wasn't long before I was standing under the Tsukimine arch once more.

Just as before, she was near the tree, sweeping.  This time, however, I was determined to not get sidetracked. 

"You're like me, aren't you?" I began, without preamble.  She said nothing, just concentrated on her sweeping.  "You're different from the others."

"What is 'different' anyway?" she sighed.  "Perhaps it's the others who are different, and we who are normal."

"Please don't."  I reached out and put my hand over hers, stopping the motion of the broomstick.  Her eyes widened slightly at my brazenness, but I couldn't help myself.  Enough games.  I had to ask my questions.  "Tell me.  How did you know about my secret?"

"I could feel it in you.  I sensed you before I even met you, Touya.  It's true, there are those of us who are different from the others.  We seek each other out, even if we are unaware of it."

It was a statement that sounded remarkably close to my own theory concerning fighters. 

"Is that why I can hear your voice in my head?  Is that why I can't stop thinking about you?"

I couldn't believe I'd just said that.  We stared at each other for a frozen moment after those words, both equally surprised.  I could feel my cheeks getting warm, and even her white skin looked a little redder than usual.  It was difficult to tell, in the capricious moonlight.  When I couldn't take the silence any more, I spoke again.

"Who are you?  What do you want with me?"

"I don't want anything from you, Touya.  It's enough for me to just be here, underneath the tree, with you.  You're the one who is seeking."

"Seeking what?"

"You're searching for the fight.  I can feel it within you.  You want the perfect opponent to lash out against and prove your strength. Even now, you seek to turn a discussion into an argument.  You hunger for the conflict."

The words, spoken simply and directly, hit me like a surprise jab to the face.  I released my hold on her and turned away, leaning forward and gripping the low picket fence with both hands.

"Your desires were screaming over the football field, I almost had to cover my ears.  Why do you torture yourself like this?  Why waste time searching for something that you can never find?"

"Never find?" I repeated.  "I find it all the time.  There are so many out there like me.  I can sense them, like you said you can sense me.  We find each other and we fight.  Eventually one emerges the champion.  I can be that one."

"No."

"What?"  I turned away from the tree to face her again.  "What do you mean, no?  I'm the strongest.  I'm the best.  I can do it!"

"You'll never be convinced of that in your heart.  You'll never be satisfied that you defeated the ultimate opponent.  There'll always be another one to fight.  You can spend your whole life searching for the perfect fight."  We were both still while she spoke; I was unable to tear my eyes away from hers.  "Why?"

"Because it's who I am.  I'm a fighter!"

"That's not a reason.  As I told you last week, we all make our own choices.  You choose to be the way you are.  Have you ever asked yourself why?"

"Yes," I finally whispered.  "But I don't know the answer.  Do you?"

She hesitated.

"Maybe.  And I think you do too.  I suspect if you think on it for some while, you'll understand the cause."

"Will it be painful?"

"Are you afraid?"

"No!"  I said it quickly, before my brain had a chance to consider her words.  I was never afraid of anything.  But there was still a nervous flutter inside me.  I did not particularly care to tread down this road.  The memories were unwelcome.

"Do you promise, Touya?"  I looked up again at her face.  Her expressions were always so reserved, so cool and detached, but just now she looked almost hopeful as she leaned forward.  "Do you promise to think about it before you allow yourself to be drawn into another conflict?"

I can't promise something like that, my mind shouted hysterically.  I know me better than that.  I'll never be able to back away from a fight if Ryu starts something!

"I promise."

Damn!  Why did I say that?

"Good.  I'm so glad.  Now, won't you help me finish cleaning?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters.


	4. ch4 weekend

**Chapter 4**

**'weekend'**

_Ash to ash,_

_Dust to dust,_

_Fade to black,_

_The memory remains!_

"You're what?"  I stared in disbelief at Dad, standing there in the kitchen with a dish in his hands as though there was nothing abnormal in what he'd said.  "You're leaving?"

"That's right."  He finished rubbing the plate dry and set it on the counter.  "A conference.  I'll be gone two nights.  I think there might be a lot of these down the road, so we're going to have to get used to them."

"But you can't leave," I pleaded.  "For a whole weekend?  What are you thinking?"

"I'll only be gone Saturday and Sunday nights; I'll be back by the time you're both home from school on Monday.  I've been really impressed by your behavior these past few weeks, Touya-kun, I'm sure you'll do a good job of watching Sakura."

And there was the rub.  I really didn't know what was wrong with me; most fourteen year-olds would be thrilled at the thought of a weekend without parents.  But most fourteen year-olds wouldn't have to spend that weekend watching _her_ either.  I wilted at the prospect of it.

"Don't you realize what Sunday is?" I demanded.  "How can you think of leaving us on a day like that?"

I thumped the cupboards with an angry fist, and saw the quick flash of pain in his eyes before he looked away.

"Of course I realize what Sunday is, Touya-kun.  But I can't help that.  This is my job; I have to go.  Being here won't change what is."

I knew that, I knew that every bit as much as he did.  But that didn't mean it was going to be any easier.  I spend the weekend closeted in with my music, generally, and had been planning to do the same on Sunday, not allowing myself any time to think.  But I couldn't do that if I was in charge of watching the little monster.  I would have to spend time with her.

I made a strangled noise in my throat at the thought of it and turned on my heels before he could see my face.

"Thank you for your help, Touya-kun," he called out to my back, before I pounded up the stairs and slammed into my bedroom.  Damn him.  Why did he always have to make it worse by making me feel guilty?

- - - - - - - - -

Faster than any before, that week came and went in a flash.  We won the football game again that Saturday, and I grudgingly began the walk home.  She was in high spirits, dancing around me as I forced my stiff and sore body to move.

"Dad says that you have to watch out for me and cook for me and tuck me in and everything this weekend.  Just like he does!  Are you really going to do all that?"

"I guess so," I muttered, staring at the pavement.  She skipped with joy. 

"Dad says that I should tell him if you don't, because he wants to know whether you do a good job or not."

"A little spy.  How cute."

She didn't understand the sarcasm and blushed.

"So what are you going to cook for dinner tonight?  Can we have ramen?  Please, please, please?"

"Sure, whatever."  Right then, ramen was probably the only thing that I could bring my aching self to cook.  I was so tired.  "When are you going to be old enough to take on some of the chores in the household?  I'm getting a little tired of carrying all the work."

That question made her pause in her skipping.

"I dunno.  When were you old enough to do chores?"

I raised my eyebrows in the darkness and considered that.  I'd never had to do anything at all, really.  She had happily taken care of all the cooking and cleaning in the household.  And then… and then she hadn't been able to do anything and Dad was so busy taking care of her.  Somehow, I ended up being the one that washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.  And took care of Sakura.  That was what stood out in my mind from that time.  Sakura, always there, always in my shadow.  There had been no one else to watch her.

"We're home!"

She jumped onto the porch enthusiastically and waited for me to unlock the door.  Taken aback, I had to fumble for my keys.  I must have completely lost track of time when walking.  Thinking about that time did that to me. 

"Why don't you get changed and then you can set the table.  That's sort of like a chore.  You could help me make dinner."

"Okay!"  She was so excited about the prospect of helping that she practically zoomed up the stairs to go change.  I knew I needed to get up and shower, I was filthy and sweaty, but I leaned against the door and watched her go.  Unbidden, the memories were returning.  I'd been fighting them, resisting that train of thought ever since Kaho brought it up back in April. 

I'd been true to my word, and had not allowed Ryu to draw me into a fistfight, either him or anyone else.  But I hadn't let myself go down that road, not yet.  I hadn't been ready.

I still wasn't ready.  But I had a feeling that this weekend didn't care about that.

- - - - - - - - - -

At least she's old enough to bathe by herself.  That happy thought ran through my mind as I reclined on my bed and listened to the music.  Interspersed with Metallica, I could hear her shrill voice singing as she splashed in the bathtub.

"London bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down!"

I turned up the music, and drowsily I hummed along, closing my eyes.  Ash to ash, dust to dust.  Indeed, no matter how much we wish otherwise, it's the ash that goes away and the memories that remain.

I remember how it scattered that day.  How the breeze caught the fine gray dust and blew it away from his hand, taking her away from us.  Gone forever, like the petals I'd crushed and discarded. 

Sometimes I hate how vivid and clear it is in my mind.  Those are the times that I'm most jealous of Sakura.  I want to be blissfully ignorant like her.  Then there are times when I can't recall exactly what her face looks like, and I panic.  I have to run home and look at the photo again, make sure to etch the image into my brain and brand my memory with it.  What kind of son would forget his own mother's face?  Probably the same kind of son who would –

"Oof!"  I grunted as she threw herself on my stomach, pink and glowing after her bath and dressed in her favorite pink pajamas.  "Oh, Sakura, please don't do that.  I'm very sore after that game."

She giggled and bounced up and down on my stomach.

"Stop it!"

"I know it doesn't hurt," she chided.  "Cause you're the most strongest, best big brother in the whole world.  Nothing ever hurts you."

I opened my eyes and looked at her cherubic face.  She was speaking from the heart, her eyes utterly sincere.  That must be how she really sees me.

"You've taken your bath.  Time to go to bed."

"First you have to read me a story!"

"No I don't."

"Yes you do. Dad says that you have to do everything that he does."

"Dad doesn't read you a story."

"Yes he does!"  She rolled her eyes at her big brother's absolute ignorance.  "Every night after my bath, when you go into your room and listen to your music."

"Oh."  He did?  "Well, I'm not going to be able to get to your room and find a book if you don't get off my stomach."

"Okay!"  She scrambled off, leaving me to grunt in pain again, and skipped down the hall to her own room.  Wearily I followed, and by the time I'd dragged myself through the doorway, she was already under the covers, looking expectant.

"What do you want?"  I brushed my fingertips over the few books on her desk.  "Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty?"

"Cinderella!  It's my favorite!"

Frankly, I'd never liked the story that much.  How realistic is it to expect some fairy godmother to come down and grant you wishes, especially when you've been nothing but a total doormat your entire life to people who abuse you?  But I kept my thoughts to myself as I opened it and began to read aloud.

She snuggled up happily, and didn't seem to mind the frequent breaks I took for yawning.  After what seemed forever, I reached "The end" and returned the book to her desk.

"All right, I've read you the story.  Now you have to go to sl - "

"What about my kiss?"

"Your what?"

"Dad kisses me goodnight every night before he turns out the light, and you have to do what he does."

"He didn't mean I had to do stuff like that."  As if she were dangerous, I sidled away from the bed.  I couldn't.  I simply couldn't do that.  But she was looking at me, her big green eyes growing misty as she sniffled.

"Oh, fine."  Maybe it would be easier if I didn't have to look at her.  I turned out the light, plunging the room into darkness, and leaned over the bed.  Closer… closer… I could hear her light breathing below me, and smell the floral-scented soap she used in her bath.  My heart was beating faster, and I wondered what was wrong with me.  It was just a goodnight kiss.  Why was this so hard for me?  Am I that cold?

Finally I reached her forehead, and dropped a light kiss on it.

"Thank you, Onii-chan," she murmured.

"Good night."  I stood up and backed away, relief washing over me.  There, I'd done it, and that wasn't so hard.  Gratefully I stumbled out of her darkened room and into the hallway.  I'd put her to bed, and there was nothing to do now but crash out.  I was so exhausted.  The game that night had been really tough, and I hadn't even been able to score a goal. 

I changed the disc to some instrumental Joe Satriani, and the quiet was replaced by soulful stirrings of the guitar.  It was peaceful, pensive music.  The kind of music one could just drift off in slumber to…

"Onii-chan."

My eyes flew open and I sat up straight, breathing hard.

"Sakura!  What are you doing up, you scared me.  Don't ever sneak up on me like that!"

"Gomen."  She fixed me with pleading eyes and leaned forward.  "I'm scared, Onii-chan.  I don't like going to sleep without Dad in the house."

Ironic, considering Dad was the scholar and I was the fighter.

"I thought I was the strongest brother in the world."

"But it's still scary," she whimpered.  "There are ghosts in my bedroom!"

"No there aren't, Sakura."

"How do you know?"

"Because I can see them, remember?  And there weren't any!"

"Dad says you just make it up that you can see things."

"Dad doesn't know everything.  And in any case, if Dad says I was making it up, then that means there's nothing in your room, right?"  I gave her a triumphant look, and she hesitated.  But seven year-olds are not impressed by logic.

"It's still scary," she moped.  "I don't like it when Dad isn't here.  It reminds me of before."

Before… I frowned as I tried to understand what she was talking about. 

"Before, when Dad took Mommy away.  I was so scared, and you let me sleep in your bed that night.  Can I do it again?"

I couldn't answer her right away, too surprised to even speak.  I couldn't believe that she even remembered that.

_"Touya-kun.__  Touya-kun, wake up."  My eyes fluttered open and I took in blearily the sight of Dad kneeling by my bed.  "Touya-kun, can you hear me?"_

_"Wha's wrong?" I slurred._

_"Nothing's wrong, son, but Mommy has another funny feeling in her stomach.  I have to take her to the hospital again.  It's way too late to call a baby-sitter, and I don't want to wake your sister up and drag you all out there.  Can you be a grown-up boy and take care of things until we get back?"_

_Dad had been using that 'grown-up boy' a lot on me these past few weeks, and I nodded and yawned.  He popped it whenever he wanted me to take care of the yardwork or wash the dishes, and especially to watch Sakura._

_"Can I go back to sleep?"_

_"Of course.__  I just didn't want you to wake up and be scared if we were still gone.  We should be back in time for breakfast.  Okay?"_

_"-kay."_

_Too tired to think clearly, I didn't notice the worry lines on his forehead, or the fear in his eyes.  Grown-ups didn't get scared, everyone knew that.  He left the room quickly, and afterwards I heard Mom's slight moans as he helped her down the stairs and out the front door.  A short while later the car started, and I felt myself slipping back into sleep._

_"Nii-chan."_

_"What is it?" I murmured without opening my eyes.  She tugged insistently on the sleeve of my pajamas.  "Nii-chan, I heard a car outside and someone downstairs!  But Mommy and Daddy are gone!  Nii-chan, I'm scared."_

_"-t's okay.  That was Mom and Dad going out.  Mom had to go to the doctor again."_

_I heard her sniffle and start to cry.  She hated being alone in the dark._

_"They'll be back soon.  Go to bed, Sakura."_

_"I'm scared.  Can I sleep with you?"_

_I groaned and buried my face in the pillow.  I should have known she would ask something like that.  And I was simply too tired to argue.  _

_"Fine.__  You better not wet the bed or anything."_

_"I won't!"  Happily she clambered underneath the sheets and snuggled up to me. I just rolled over and faced the wall, willing sleep to return.  But a vague worry was growing within me.  This was the third time in the past week that Dad had to take Mom to the hospital.  What if…_

_Nah.__  Dad said and Mom said that she was going to be just fine.  She just had a nervous stomach.  I closed my eyes, and slept._

Liars, all of them.  I felt the bitterness rise in my throat as I recalled that night.  How Dad had been able to look me straight in the face and tell me that Mom was just fine, and he was only taking her to the hospital as a precaution.  I was angry at him for lying, and angry at myself for believing it like I did.  I was such an idiot.

"Sakura, you're too old for that now.  You know that nothing's going to hurt you.  I'll be right down the hall."

"Puhh-leeease?" she begged.  She did look so scared.  But I couldn't do this for her, not this time.  I couldn't feel the searing touch of her skin next to mine in my own bed; I'd never be able to sleep.

"You cannot sleep in my bed, Sakura.  Tell you what.  I'll tuck you in again, and I'll sit by the window until you're asleep.  Okay?  That way nothing can get you."

She pouted.  This wasn't the ideal situation for her, but it was all I could give her.  After a moment, she nodded, and we both shuffled down the hallway back into her room.  Once again I tucked the covers under her chin, and then I retreated to the padded cushion under her window.  I could hear her toss and turn a couple of times before finally settling down, and soon she was breathing deeply and evenly.  I remained where I was, looking up at the night sky.  It was perfectly cloudless and studded with stars tonight, and we had returned to a full moon.  It had been full the night I'd met her under the cherry tree, too.

Only a month?  It seems a lifetime has passed since we moved here.  Already Tokyo is such a blur in my memory.  It's weird, but sometimes I catch myself thinking we've lived our whole life in this town. 

And it all had to do with her.

I only went to the shrine at nights when I knew she'd be there.  I don't know how I know, just as I don't know how I can hear her voice in my mind sometimes.  But I would go, and we would talk about various things as I helped her clean.  The spring nights were so beautiful and warm, it was difficult not to enjoy the simple tasks of sweeping.  At nights the shrine was lonely and private, perfect for meditation and contemplation.  I could see why she rather liked her custodial duties.

Twenty.  That's how old she was, I'd finally discovered through the course of our conversations.  It was ridiculous to even think about it, but that was only six years older… and I was so tall, it seemed as though we were evenly matched.  When we spoke, the difference in our ages evaporated.  She said it was because I had grown up so fast and matured so rapidly, it was as if I was older than I really was.  And even though my heart fluttered at those words and my cheeks reddened, nothing else had happened.  She seemed quite content to simply talk, discussing all sorts of things except that conversation after my first football game.  That was what she was waiting for, I realized.  She was waiting for me to undergo this test. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"What are we going to do today?" Sakura chirped.  She gave me a perky look over breakfast, and I swallowed another yawn.  After falling asleep on her bench cushion the night before, I'd woken at about three or so in the morning and stumbled back to my bed.  I hadn't been able to sleep very well even after that, my dreams visited by haunting images of a woman flying through the sky.  Normally I would have just brushed it off as a dream about Mom, but for some reason this time was different.  I had a feeling that that wasn't her with the wings.

But if not her, then who?

"Onii-chan!  I said, what are we going to do today?"

"Um, don't you have homework?"

"Only a little bit.  I can do it tonight, if you help me with my math.  You'll help me, won't you?"

"Sure, whatever."

"Then what are we going to do today?"

This ceaseless questioning couldn't continue.  I was going to have to come up with something; that was clear.  Frantically I racked my brain, trying to think of something.  What was it Aki had mentioned… a class trip last fall to go see the –

"I heard there's a nice aquarium in this town.  Why don't we go see that?"

She almost jumped out of her chair with excitement.

"Really?  An aquarium, like with fish and everything?  We can go see it?  Really, really?"

"Really, really.  If you finish your breakfast.  Do you want to help wash the dishes?"

"Okay!"

- - - - - - - - - -

Is it sugar?  Is it the cartoons she watches?  What is it about that girl that makes her so damn hyper?

I watched my sister jump and down in awe after an angelfish had swum up to the glass in front of her.  She was nothing less than sheer energy.  A gamma ray, to use the technical term.  No matter or mass, just pure energy.  And nobody ever had to baby-sit a gamma ray.

"So pretty!  So pretty!  So pr - "

Finally I clapped my hand over her mouth.

"Sakura, listen to me."

"Mmpf."

"There are people here who are trying to enjoy the fish quietly.  They cannot do this unless you also are quiet.  Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Mmpf."

"Do you promise to use your indoor voice?"  She nodded.  "Okay.  I'm going to take my hand off now.  Please be quiet."

I removed my hand and she stood still for a moment, looking properly contrite.  Then she skipped off to see the next exhibit, exuberant as ever but at least whispering her shouts of joy.  We entered another room and I leaned against the wall, watching her watch a long eel snake its way across the tank.

Just like old times, I was thinking.  Starting with spending the night with her.  More than anything else about that time, I remember her.  She was the baby, the cute new arrival, and got all the attention.  I resented it, of course, as older siblings around the world do.  And no one is cuter than Sakura. 

Then, before I knew what was happening, Mom and Dad didn't have time for the baby anymore.  They didn't have time for anything anymore.  Dad was at her bedside every minute that he wasn't at work, feeding her, giving her medicine, helping her bathe and dress on the days she felt good enough to get up.  There weren't many of those.  I was scared, a little, but everybody kept saying that it was nothing, she would be better soon.  And could I please take care of Sakura that morning?  That night?  Make sure she ate, and got dressed, or got to bed?  A ten year-old should not be having to do all that!

But, there was no one else.  No wonder Kaho said I grew up so fast.  I was ten going on twenty.  And at the time, I don't think I actually minded that much. 

Sakura darted for the next room and I hurried to catch up.

No, actually, on looking back, I don't remember minding that much at all.  I felt like I was contributing something, helping in some small way.  Like if I could take Sakura and myself off their minds, then Dad would be free to help Mom get better. 

Didn't exactly work. 

"Ooh, look, Onii-chan!"  Sakura lunged for my hand and dragged me through the next archway.  "Penguins!  Looky, looky, there's a man feeding them fish!  Isn't that cool!"

"Cold, I think you mean."

She didn't get it and stared wide-eyed at the young man tossing fish to the black and white birds.  What a miserable job.  When I'm old enough to work, you'll never see me doing something like that.

"Oh, look, Onii-chan!  There's a place for ice cream up there!  And we can watch the fish and everything!  Can we have some ice cream?  Please?"

"Sure," I said amiably, even though I knew it was stupid to introduce more sugar into her system.  I was too tired to argue.  "What flavor do you want to get?"

"Chocolate!  No, strawberry.  No, maybe I want chocolate chip…"

She skipped up the steps, changing her mind with every step forward, and I dragged up behind her.  By the time we'd reached the tables, she finally decided on a scoop of cherry vanilla and a scoop of chocolate.

"And for you sir?"

"We'll just share, thanks."

She watched the fish swim past the tables in their huge glass aquarium.

"Isn't it pretty, Onii-chan?  You can watch them just a little ways away!  They're so close, it's like they're swimming through the restaurant!"

"Very," I agreed, but frowned as I watched the fish.  There was nothing wrong with the aquarium that I could see, but I still had a funny feeling when I looked at it.  Like there was something dangerous about it.

"Here you are," the waiter announced and placed the dish with two spoons between us.

"Yay!" Sakura declared, and picked up her spoon.  Then she hesitated.

"What?"

"It's too bad we don't have any candles.  It would be nice.  But this is good enough, don't you think?"

I narrowed my eyes.

"Candles?"

"Mm-hmm.  For Mommy's birthday.  It's her birthday today, isn't it?"

She looked at me with those wide green eyes, totally guileless and innocent.  I had to get my breath back before replying.

"Yes.  Yes, it is."

She nodded with satisfaction before digging in and lifting out a scoop.

"How did you know?"  I hadn't mentioned it to her.  Spending the day alone with her, it was the last thing I'd wanted to think about.  She just shrugged.

"I dunno.  I just remember."

"Oh."  I watched her slurp another spoonful of ice cream, conscious again of that jealousy.  It didn't even bother her, that it was Mom's birthday today.  It didn't even make her feel sad, because there was nothing to feel sad for.  She didn't remember a thing!

_"Happy birthday, Sakura-chan!"__  Dad helped her blow out the candles atop the cake, and Mom laughed as Sakura grabbed one to lick the icing off.  Then she pulled Sakura back down into her lap so Dad could cut it.  I fidgeted impatiently on my chair, anxious for my slice.  _

_"You are such a big girl now, Sakura-chan," Mom cooed, bouncing her up and down on her lap.  "Three years old!  It won't be long before you're going to school with Touya-kun."_

_"Goody," Sakura squealed, sending a look of pure adoration my way.  I scowled.  The thought of that brat following me to school was not an appealing one.  But I couldn't stay moody for long, not when there was cake and ice cream to be had.  I wolfed mine and had seconds, never noticing how quiet Mom was while Dad helped Sakura open her presents.  Finally she leaned over and whispered something in his ear._

_"What?  Oh, right."  That look that I always chose to ignore crossed his face, and he straightened.  "Touya-kun, can you be a grown-up boy and wash the dishes, and put the cake and ice cream back in the fridge?  Mommy's tired, and I'm just going to help her to bed.  I'll be right back down to help."_

_"Sure," I muttered, staring at the melting remains of my ice cream.  I knew he wouldn't be down any time soon.  He always took so long to help her to bed, even longer than it took for Sakura.  My sister was sitting on the floor, already entranced with her new doll, and didn't notice when I jumped up to follow my parents upstairs.  I'd just remembered that I'd gotten a present for her too, and had wrapped it carefully before hiding it in my bedroom.  Little hair clips, decorated with plastic cherries.  I'd saved my allowance and bought them all on my own, and I was so proud.  Wanting it to be a surprise, I was slipping quietly up the stairs, and I heard them._

_"Touya's birthday," she sighed.  "And Sakura's.  I made it to both of them.  I can stop fighting now."_

_"Don't talk like that," Dad chided.  "What about yours, hmm?  Just six weeks away!"_

_"It's not going to happen, sweetheart.  I'm not going to see twenty-eight.  You know it; I know it.  I just can't fight anymore."_

"Oh my god," I whispered, forgetting my surroundings.  Sakura looked up from her ice cream.

"Whatdja say?"

"Sc- excuse me," I panted, and pushed myself away from the table to stumble instinctively toward the bathroom.  My stomach was turning with nausea and the few bites of ice cream I'd just had were threatening to come up.  I made it just in time and knelt over the bowl, relieving myself.

How could I?  How could I forget something like that conversation?  Was I so determined to believe Dad's lies?  He knew, she knew, they both knew that she was going to die.  And I'd heard them talking about it with my own two ears.  Why wouldn't I let myself see?

I stood up and made my way to the sinks, glaring at my reflection in the mirror.  I was absolutely white under the harsh florescent lights, my eyes rimmed in red.  But dry, quite dry.  Not even after that, it seemed, could I cry.

I splashed my face with cold water and rinsed out my mouth.

"You just gave up," I muttered.  "What, Sakura's birthday was suddenly the end and all to existence?  You made it to April first and decided to just give up.  You left us!  You gave up and you left us!"

Someone came in and I shut up, turning to leave the bathroom with a weary shuffle.  I wanted to break down, I wanted to run and keep running, and never look back, leaving the whole mess behind.  But Sakura was still in my care.  I had to return to her.

- - - - - - - - -

I'll never know how I made it through the rest of that day.  I took Sakura home, I made dinner, I helped her with her math homework, and washed dishes while she took her bath.  I tucked her in, again, and read her Sleeping Beauty.  Once more she demanded that I kiss her good night, and once more I had to turn out the light before I could force myself to do it.

And I sat there, by her window, waiting for her to fall asleep and all the while glaring up into that night sky.  Glaring at Mom.  I had a few choice words to say to her, but those were going to have to wait.  I could never remember being so angry in my life.

- - - - - - - - -

I think she could feel the change, when she stepped into the classroom the next day.  Her eyes lit on me for a brief moment, and I could swear I felt her fear.

Did she fear for me?  Or did she fear me?  I was dangerous that day, I knew it, I was seething, a volatile storehouse of anger and frustration.  If Ryu had chosen that day to start something, it might have been the last thing he'd ever done.  Our paths didn't cross that day, however, and I stomped home from school with Sakura dancing merrily around me.  And then I had to sit there and watch _him_, eating his dinner calmly as he asked Sakura how the weekend went.  She raved about the aquarium and all the pretty fishies, and he smiled and thanked me for doing such a good job with her.

"Not a problem," I said coldly.  I think he must have picked up my tone at last and looked at me carefully after that, but I just stared into my food.  After dinner, naturally, he had to take Sakura upstairs and tuck her in.  Twilight was beginning, and I could go.  I practically ran from the home.

- - - - - - - -

"She gave up!" I yelled, anguished.  Kaho leaned against the trunk of the cherry tree and watched me silently.  "She gave up!  I heard her!  I was on the stairs behind them and I heard them talking and my mother decided to just give up.  She stopped fighting, stopped caring.  It didn't matter to her about her children, leaving them all alone.  She made it to Sakura's birthday, and then she just _stopped fighting_!"

I enunciated the last two words by kicking the fence viciously, and she winced.

"This upsets you."

"Upsets me?  That's the understatement of the year.  After all the lies, after all the times she looked me right in the eye and told me that of course she was going to get better, she decided to just roll over and die and leave me behind.  I hate her.  Do you hear that, Mom?  I hate you!"  I turned my face up to the emerging stars and shouted it as loud as I could.  Even my frantic raving didn't seem to have an effect on the quiet shrine.  The trees absorbed my angry words and softened them with the rustling of their spring leaves.

Kaho was silent, her eyes never leaving me.

"And that's not all," I continued.  "He knew.  He knew, because I heard her tell him.  He knew that she was just giving up, and he didn't even try to stop her.  He just let her die!  What kind of husband does that for his wife?  He gave up too.  Everybody gave up.  I was the only one fighting!  The ten year-old, just by watching out for his sister, was doing more than any of the adults.  Doesn't that strike you as a little odd?  A little bit on the strange side?"

I paused for breath, glaring at her as though it were her fault.  But nothing disturbed that placid calm.

"And still you carry on.  Still you try to fight in place of your mother."

I stiffened, then looked away as I raked my fingers through my hair.  I hadn't phrased it in quite those words, but I knew she was speaking the truth.  I knew it the minute I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror.  If Mom wasn't going to fight, and Dad wasn't going to fight, then it would just have to be me.  It didn't matter that she was dead, and it didn't matter who it was I was fighting against.  It was something that I just had to do.

"Yes," I admitted.  "I understand now.  That's why I search for the fight."

"And will you ever find it?"

I paced for a minute.

"No.  The only thing that I want to fight is that disease that killed her.  And I can't.  Because it's gone, just like her."  I crossed the distance to the cherry tree and banged my head against it once, before turning and sliding down its trunk until I was sitting on the grass.

I had been so angry, so full of fury, but this damn shrine and that woman had sucked all the rage right out of me.  I'd been angry for so long, I couldn't keep it in anymore.

She followed my example and sat in a mermaid position on the grass beside me, tucking the material of her kimono in around her legs.

"Do you really hate your mother, Touya?"

"No."

"You said yourself that they tried to hide the reality of the disease from you.  For how long did she fight, before you even knew she was sick?  For how long did she struggle to keep her smile on her face when you and your sister were near?"

An unpleasant picture of what my mother's last few months must have been like whisked through my mind, and I swallowed.

"Do you really hate your father?"

"I'm angry at him.  He said he loved her.  He should have tried harder.  He should have forced her to keep fighting!"

"Perhaps he did.  Maybe that's why she lasted as long she did.  When we are called from this world, a person can only resist so much.  Nothing can stop us from going when it's our time.  You know that as well as I do."

A long silence passed, with only the leaves rustling above us to create any sound.  I stared at my shoes with my head in my hands and my elbows braced against my knees, struggling to absorb what she'd said.  It was true, I knew my mother probably fought as much as she could.  It wasn't fair to hate her.  But why did it have to be her time in the first place?  She was so young.  Not even twenty-eight.  It was an injustice that someone sweet and beautiful and loving like my mother had to be robbed from this world.

And that was another thing that I was just going to have to get over.

I sighed and leaned my head back against the bark.

"So, did I tell you about this crazy weekend I had?"

She giggled, which made me smile, and that made her laugh even louder.

"You're smiling!  I don't think I've ever seen you smile."  Her hand found mine on the grass and covered it, her long fingers intertwining with mine.  "You should do it more often.  It looks nice on you."

I swallowed again as I looked down at our hands, and then up at her face. 

"I'll think about it," I said carefully.

"Good."  She leaned forward and planted a light kiss on my cheek, then disengaged and stood up.  "I'll see you tomorrow in class."

I didn't move.  I just sat there, frozen, looking up at the nearly-full moon long after she'd disappeared into the darkness. 

Just like that, with one tiny little kiss, she'd erased all the misery building within me for the past two days.  I raised my hand and covered my cheek; the skin burned still.  It was a memory that, indeed, remained. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters


	5. ch5 test

**Chapter 5**

**'test'**

_Hey you,  
Out there in the cold,  
Getting lonely, getting old,  
Can you feel me?_

_Hey you,  
Don't help them to bury the light.  
Don't give in without a fight._

The July sunshine outside was mocking us, teasing.  It looked like a beautiful summer day out there, but we couldn't touch it, not yet.  Just one last hurdle to overcome: final exams.  We were fidgeting in math class now, struggling through the last test. 

Math is my favorite, and normally I wouldn't be having a problem, but it was hard for me to concentrate.  I'd had a nightmare the night before, and even though I couldn't remember what it had been about, it left me with a vague sense of unease in my stomach.  A feeling of unpleasant things to come.

Somehow I made it through before the bell rang, and Kaho started collecting the tests. 

"Congratulations on finishing, students.  I hope you all have a wonderful summer." 

"Will you still be here in the fall?" one girl asked, as everybody began to gather their books.  Everyone grew quiet, and I looked up sharply.  She was looking straight at me, indecisiveness in her eyes.

"I'm not really sure just yet," she answered slowly.  "That rather depends on how things go this summer.  I guess only time will tell."

The students filed out of the room, and I followed reluctantly.  She was still looking at me, and I wanted to stay and talk to her, but Aki was hanging around, yakking.

What did she mean by 'how things go this summer?'  What was she expecting?  Did it have anything to do with me?

I was burning to ask, but I could do nothing except look over my shoulder at her as I followed Aki out of the room.  She was silent, returning my stare intently. 

"Well, that was particularly horrible," he groaned aloud.  "I feel drained, and you look it.  I'm surprised at you, Kinomoto, I thought you'd breeze through that exam.  Have a tough time with it?"

I shrugged.

"No, not really.  I just didn't get much sleep last night.  I had a nightmare."

"Oh yeah?  What about?"

"I don't remember."  I prepared to open my locker for the final time that trimester.  "It was just… disturbing."

"Worst kind," he said cheerfully.  "I dreamed I took the test in my underwear.  Although that might have actually been a flashback – did I ever tell you about the time that I - "

"No, and I hope you won't."

He chuckled and started fishing for something in his dumpster of a locker.

"And at long last, we've reached the end. Nothing but six beautiful carefree weeks before us.  And what better way to celebrate than by staying up all night and corroding our minds?"

"What?"

"My buddies and I play an annual all-night game of poker after the last day of school.  We could use a fifth vic- I mean,  guy.  Care to join?"

He gave me a hopeful look as he withdrew a greasy deck of cards and began to shuffle them expertly in midair.  His face and my surroundings began to fade away into darkness as a memory clicked. 

"Cards," I murmured, and reached to take them from his hands.

"What?"

"Cards.  That's what my nightmare was about.  I was dreaming about… cards."  Confused, I studied the innocuous stack in my hands.  What was so threatening about them?  Why would I have a bad dream about such a random object?

"Touya!"  Kei, from out of nowhere, took advantage of the distraction and wrapped her arms around me from the side.  The cards went fluttering to the floor, and I uttered an exclamation of disgust.

"Get off of me!"

"Oh Touya, my family's going abroad for the summer.  I'm going to miss seeing your face around.  Won't you miss me too?"

"As much as I'll miss school.  Let go of me."  I flashed a dark look at Aki's gleeful expression and tried to wriggle out of her grasp.  An archaic sense of chivalry embedded within me prevented me from elbowing her in the ribs and stamping on her foot, but she was sorely testing my patience.

"Hey!" thundered a familiar voice, and the crowds of students in the hall suddenly fell silent.  "Hey, get your hands off her!"

My hands were nowhere near her, but that didn't bother Ryu any.  Kei quickly backed off, much to my relief, and stood preening by the edge of the crowd.  Expectantly, the students were forming a circle around the two of us as he drew closer.

"Uh-oh," Aki muttered, and clapped a hand on my shoulder.  "Good luck."  He quickly evaporated, not that I blamed him.  Ryu looked ready to kill.

"What do you think you're doing, groping her?  You are dead, Kinomoto!"

He threw a punch and I slid out from underneath it, putting a little distance between us.  It might look to the untrained eye that I was backing away, but in reality it was the perfect striking distance for someone with legs as long as mine.  I could snap a kick to his temple from here, no problem.

"What's up, Ryu?  Mad that I scored a goal again in our last game?  You're really falling behind as lead forward.  Maybe next season I'll take your spot as center scoresman."

"I'm not gonna take your smart-ass attitude anymore, Kinomoto.  You're asking for a beating, and I'm gonna give you one."

"Fight, fight, fight," the crowd chanted delightedly.  I shook the bangs out of my eyes and gave him a cool and calculating look.  I wasn't afraid.  They wanted a fight; I'd give him one with no problem. 

_Do you really want to fight him, Touya?_

I inhaled sharply, and barely managed to evade his next wild strike.  I was too surprised to counterattack.

_You understand that besting him in combat will bring you no satisfaction._

I shook my head, annoyed, trying to clear it of her voice.

_Get out of my head!  I want to do this!_

_No you don't._

Once again I darted out of range of his punch, utterly shocked.  Even after hearing her voice in my head for so long, it had never occurred to me that she could hear my thoughts as well.  I didn't know where she was in the halls, but she was carrying on a conversation with me in my mind as calmly and dispassionately as if we were back in the shrine, sweeping.

Don't argue with me!  He started it; he deserves it.  If I could just knock him out once, he'll leave me alone.  I just need to show him how strong I am.  I only have to do it once!

_Only once with him.__  Then who will be next?  And after that?  And after that?_

Ryu leapt for me with a sharp jab, but I twisted out of the way.  All it would take was one spinning reverse hook kick.  I could nail him in the temple, and he'd be out for the count.  My body trembled to do it; I ached to finish him off.  I could almost taste the victory.  But somehow I managed to hold back.

_Fighting will not bring your mother back.  You know this now.  Why must you seek to prove yourself?_

_Stop it!  Stop lecturing me.  I'm old enough to make my own decisions.  I want to do this!_

Our audience had fallen strangely silent, watching this one-sided fight with awe. 

"What's the matter, Kinomoto?" he snarled.  "Afraid to sit still and take a punch?  Is that all you got?  Try and hit me already!"

He wanted it too; wanted it as badly as I did.  We were both alphas, dying to prove ourselves to the rest of the pack.  I ground my teeth as she spoke again.

I know you are old enough to make your own decisions.  I'm not stopping you from striking back.  I'm reminding you that you have a choice.  You do not belong to this eternal conflict of kill-or-be-killed.  You can rise above.

Why did she have to go and say it like that?  Frustrated, I slammed my fist into the lockers beside me.  Incredible as it seemed, I realized that I couldn't fight him.  It wasn't going to help.  It would feel nice, in the short run, but it wasn't going to bring her back.  Nothing was going to bring her back.

He hurtled toward me at full speed and I ducked, letting him roll right over my back.  Everyone shouted in delight as he hit the ground and rolled across the surface, littered with cards.

"What's going on here!" raged an older voice, and the crowd parted to let a teacher through, simmering with rage.  "Break it up now!  Neither you move!"

I hadn't even broken a sweat, and I jammed my hands in my pockets and glared at the man.  I hadn't started it, I hadn't done anything, but I was drawn into the trouble anyway.  Dad was going to be furious when he got the call.  I'll probably end up grounded for the entire summer.

"What happened here, what's going on?"  He glared suspiciously at the both of us.  "Fighting on school grounds is major offense, and I'm sure the both of you know it.  You think you can get away with it because it's the last day?  Think again.  I'll have you scrubbing the blackboards so fast your heads will spin!"

"Ah sir," Aki spoke up.  "I think the rest of the students here will agree with me when I say that this was not a fight.  Kinomoto-san here did not throw a single punch or strike."

The teacher hesitated when he looked at my dark expression and even breathing.  Across from me, Ryu was wheezing like a locomotive.  But all around, heads were nodding.

"Nope, never threw a punch, sir."

"Honest sir, he didn't hit back once."

"That's right."

People that I didn't even know were speaking up, sticking up for me.  I flushed and looked down at my feet.  This wasn't what I had wanted.  I didn't want to weasel out of the punishment – after all, I'd wanted it to happen just as much as he did.  I spent the entire spring provoking him.  And just when it finally happened, I had let her talk me into standing down.  What was wrong with me?

"It wasn't a fight," I said at last.

"Excuse me?"

"They're telling the truth.  Ryu just wanted to see my karate moves, and we were practicing in the halls."  Aki's eyebrows shot up in surprise, and Ryu flashed me a startled look.  I couldn't help myself.  If I wasn't going to get in trouble, then I didn't want him to get in trouble too.  It wasn't even that way.  "We were just playing around, and everyone was watching.  That's all.  You don't see any blood, do you?"

It was true; neither of us had so much as a scratch.  He shuffled and hesitated, instinctively disbelieving me but knowing that to book us would involve a considerable amount of trouble on his last day at work.  Finally he shrugged.

"Make sure you do your 'practice' outside next time.  Now get out of here.  Go start your vacation already."

Relieved, the students scattered, talking excitedly amongst themselves.  The teacher turned on his heels and left, and Ryu marched up to me, almost smoking in fury.

"You think that saved you?"

"Just wanted to be fair."

"Well, it didn't.  I don't need your help, Kinomoto, I don't need your little games.  Your act is really starting to bug me."

"There's no act."

"Shut up.  Enjoy your summer, hotshot.  And watch out for me next fall.  It's gonna happen between us."

He snorted and whirled around, grabbing Kei as he whisked past her.

"C'mon.  We're out of here."

"You're hurting me," she whined, though not very forcefully.  She seemed to enjoy being pulled around, and she shot me another vivacious look over her shoulder before he dragged her around the corner.  She'd gotten exactly the attention she wanted, and I knew this experience wasn't going to scare her away from me anytime soon.

"And now," Aki announced dismally.  "It's time for 52-pickup.  Don't suppose you'd care to help, seeing as how you dropped them?"

"It wasn't on purpose," I pointed out, forcing down another shudder as I watched him gather them up.  Gathering the cards…

A sensation of being watched distracted me, and I looked up.  She was out in the courtyard, watching me through a window, a thoughtful look on her face.

"I gotta go," I said tonelessly, and slammed the locker shut.

"But what about the game?"

"Maybe next time."  I never took my eyes off her as I started walking, leaving him behind.  "Have a good summer, Aki."

His pleas for me to at least give him a call went unnoticed, and I pushed open the school doors.  The courtyard wasn't quite empty; students were still in clusters under the trees, discussing their plans for vacation.  It didn't matter.  We didn't have to speak out loud.

I can hear you.  And you can hear me.

_Yes._

_Why?  How?_

_Because we're different, Touya.__  You know that.  We are kindred spirits._

_You should have let me fight him.  He'll only be worse from now on._

_There was no 'letting'.  You chose not to fight him, not me.  I merely reminded you of your hard-learned lesson.  I did not wish to see you suffer more._

I scowled.

_I can take care of myself._

Of course.  And you did quite well for yourself today.  You should be proud.

I paused for a moment to reflect on that.  In a way, it had felt kind of nice to stand up to him without actually hitting back.  It had been every bit as difficult, physically, to survive the fight that way.

_Indeed.  An American by the name of King once said much the same thing.  He was very wise._

_Stop that!  Stop reading my mind!_

She smiled sweetly at my mental rebuke, and I blushed, realizing the absurdity of my request.  Things had worked out for the better.  If Dad had gotten a call from that teacher about me fighting, the summer would have been over for me.  Now I was free and clear.  It was almost like I'd taken another final exam, and passed with flying colors. 

I shuffled a little, then looked back up into her eyes.

_Thank you, I guess.  For reminding me._

_It was no problem.  A friend does that for another friend._

A summer breeze lifted her hair and tossed it out playfully, a banner of crimson silk.  I was lost in her eyes, drinking her in, when the clock tower began to chime the quarter-hour.

"Oh damn," I said out loud, startled.  "My sister!  I have to go pick her up."

She inclined her head a tiny bit.

"Naturally.  Congratulations on finishing your tests, Touya.  All of them."

I paused midstep and looked back over my shoulder.

"Will I see you?  Over the summer?"  Those comments she'd made in math class came back to me, nagging at me.  She gave a little shrug.

"Who knows?  Only time will tell."

- - - - - - - - - -

Sakura was so thrilled, she was jumping up and down in her chair that night at dinner.  Dad had to ask her to sit still about three times before she finally dug into her food.

"Yay!  It's summer!  It's summer!  It's summer!"

"I know, sweetie, but you still have to eat.  Calm down and have a bite."  She subsided at last and gulped a mouthful of noodles.  "So what are you going to do with all your free time?"

"I'm gonna practice!  I'm gonna learn to twirl the baton and do flips like the girls in the cheerleading club do!  Then next year I can be one."

"Good plan," he said approvingly.  "Touya knows how to do some of those things.  I'm sure he'll be happy to help you.  Won't you, Touya-kun?"

I looked up and flashed a quick insincere smile before refocusing on my food.  My dad constantly volunteers me for helping her out with her homework and stuff like this.  It drives me berserk.  As if I don't have anything else to do with my free time.

"And what do you intend to do with your vacation?"

I shrugged.

"Mm-hmm.  That's what I thought."  I bristled, but he continued on undaunted.  "I actually have something in mind for you, Touya-kun."

"Oh, really?"

"My office at the school is already overflowing with books, and the department's getting ready to throw another few boxes out.  I couldn't bear the thought of it, so I'm going to bring them home.  Only, there's no place to put them here."

I couldn't see at all where this was going.  Curiously, I remained silent.

"I was thinking about converting that empty basement into a study, some place quiet that I could work at home.  And I'd like to put up some bookshelves.  I don't know anything about assembling stuff like that, but you're quite good at it, as I recall."

That was true, I am good at building things.  Engineering and construction are really easy for me.

"You want slave labor." 

He smiled patiently.  "Hardly.  I thought it might be a fun project for you.  It would keep you occupied."

Translation:  Otherwise you'll go running around town at nights and starting fights.  Something has got to keep you indoors, and it might as well be this.

"I could even help you on weekends, if you're willing.  It could be something we could do together."

There was a flicker of hope in those eyes, and inwardly I groaned.  So that's what he was after – a father and son type activity.  I should have known.

"You don't have to roll your eyes like that," he admonished.  "I think it'll be fun for you.  It'll be nice for you to have a productive project – like your sister."

There.  He'd said them: those three words that I dreaded.  I slapped my chopsticks down on the plate and stood.

"Where are you going?"

"I've lost my appetite.  I'll be upstairs."  I was exhausted and irritable after a week of studying for my exams, and he hadn't even asked me how I'd done on them.  I was also tired and on edge after my non-fight with Ryu, and didn't feel up to any more soul searching that evening.  I only wanted relaxation and peace.

He called out my name once more, but I ignored him.  Instead I stomped into my room, locked the door behind me, and selected a CD.

Eventually I heard a soft knocking on my door, and his voice, asking something.  I filtered it out, and turned up the volume.  All I wanted to hear right then was Metallica. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I don't remember falling asleep, but I suppose I must have.  The bright sunshine through my window was what finally woke me, its persistent light rousing me.  I yawned and sat up, rubbing my eyes, still dressed in my jeans and T-shirt. 

It's a wonderful luxury to sleep in on the first day of summer vacation.  There's nothing like it in the world.  But it had been a long time since that happened.  Why did Dad let me sleep in?

I turned off the stereo and left my room, stretching. 

"Sakura?"  No reply.  "Sakura, are you here?"

Dad would have no doubt left for work by now, but where was she?  I felt a twinge of worry as I searched the empty house.  Would she have gone wandering off on her own?

"Sakura!"

Worry was about to develop into anxiety when I caught sight of her through the front window.  She was practicing her cartwheels on the grass, her face in a little pout of concentration.  Relieved, I opened the door and leaned against the frame.

"There you are.  What are you doing?"

"Practicing!" she chirped.  "Boy, you've been in bed a long time, you lazy-head.  I had breakfast practically forever ago."

I ignored her tortured grammar and sat on the edge of the porch, watching her attempt another somersault. 

"You've been out here alone all morning?  Why didn't Dad wake me up?"

"Dad said to let you sleep in.  He said you have tissues."

"I think you mean 'issues'," I corrected with a wry grin.  She looked a little puzzled, but her young mind didn't grasp the meaning of the word.  Instead she tried to bend over backward and place her hands on the grass.  She couldn't quite accomplish this and ended up collapsing on the ground.  I chuckled.

"Stop laughing!"

"Can't help myself, you're too funny."

"I'm trying!"

"I know it."  There was nothing to be done about it, I could see.  Somebody would have to show her.  "C'mon, get up again.  I'll help."

Her little angry face split into a delighted grin.

"Really?  You'll show me how?"

"Sure, why not?"  I knelt on one knee and positioned her to my side.  "Now bend over backward.  I'll keep you steady and then flip you over.  This will help you learn how to do it on your own."

She obeyed my instructions carefully, and her feet went right up and over to land on the grass again.  Shaking her wispy bangs out of her eyes, she beamed at me and attacked me with a bear hug.  Down on one knee, I didn't have a chance to fend her off.

"No, hey, stop that!"  Already I could feel my heart beating faster and my breath catching in my throat.  "Get off, you little monster."  After what seemed an age she disentangled herself from me, smiling persistently. 

"You're the best!" she declared.  "Will you help me again?"

I could not look into her eyes, and stared at the ground at her feet.

"Sure."

"Goody!"

It happened again.  Why did my body always insist on reacting like that to her touch?  It was just a hug, and there wasn't even anyone else around.  Did I really despise her that much?  It wasn't her fault that she couldn't remember Mom's death.  

She doesn't deserve the treatment I give her.  But I can't help it.  It's just the way things are. 

I spent the whole morning coaching her, and by the time we broke for lunch she could do the standing back handspring by herself.  I don't know why I spent so much time helping her.  I suppose it was penance, in a way.  Like it could make up for the way I feel about her. 

"Can we go to the park today?  Please?"

"What?"

"Dad said I could go to the park to see my friends if you came too.  Please?"  She leaned over her lunch and fixed me with those pleading green eyes of hers. 

I shrugged.  It really wasn't as if I had anything else to do.  I could get started on my summer homework, and at least get that out of the way.

"I guess so.  Let me get my walkman and my book."  
"Yay!"

It was the way of every vacation, had been ever since I was nine years old.  Dad was at work, and Sakura needed to be watched.  Every day.  All day.  He doesn't ask me to do it, he expects me to do it. 

Sometimes I resent my sister so much.

"Tomoyo-chan!" she squealed, and skipped ahead of me to greet one of her little friends in the park.  There was a cluster of girls there already, and they all shouted Sakura's name in delight.  I reclined on a bench and turned down the music, opening up my assigned reading. 

And then there's the way she's so good at making friends.  It's easy for her, with her infectious smile and continuous laughter.  She's so damn happy. 

Again my father's words nagged at me.  Like your sister.  Like your sister.

Why can't you be more like your sister?

I hate her but I envy her.  It's a ridiculous situation.

You torment yourself so much more than is necessary.

Startled, I glanced up from my book.  She was all the way on the other side of the park, watching me.  For once she was wearing neither a suit nor a kimono, but, as a concession to summer, a loose white cotton blouse and long khaki skirt. 

_Do you mind?_ I asked crossly.  _My thoughts are private_.

Your thoughts are driving you to distraction.  Yesterday you refrained from striking back physically at your opponent.  And now today you insist on striking at yourself, determined to dwell on all things painful and unpleasant.

Pink Floyd was still playing through my headphones, an eerie accompaniment to this silent conversation.

_It's all your fault_, I pointed out.  _You're the one that asked me to think back and start remembering.  The gate's been opened.  After four years of shutting her away from my mind, it's starting to come back.  And no, it's not pleasant._

_Hard work rarely is.  But that's no reason to sit and fume about your sister, not on a day like today._

She tilted her face up to enjoy the afternoon sunshine and sighed contentedly.  She was so far away, but I could swear I saw the lift and fall of her breasts.  The blouse she wore did not quite reach her waist, and my eyes traveled down the bare skin of her flat stomach.  Her long skirt rested easily on her hips, covering her legs down to her ankles – minus the long slit on either side.

Her laugh sparkled in my mind.

_That's more like it.  Relax and enjoy yourself, Touya.  You should learn to sit back and appreciate the beautiful moments in life.  _

_'Like my sister?'_

_I won't say that.  She is who she is; you are who you are.  But you are not doomed to a life of misery simply because you can remember your mother and she cannot.  Would your mother want you to be miserable on the first day of summer?_

I shuffled a little.

_No, of course not._

_Good.  I'm glad we agree_.  She blew me a little kiss over the heads of my sister and her friends.  _Do have a nice day today, Touya._ 

She turned and wandered off, disappearing behind the small woods.  And for the first time that day, I smiled.

"Are you happy?"

"What?"

"Are you happy, Onii-chan?"  Sakura nestled up on the bench next to me and gazed up into my face.  "You've got a smile on!"  She looked so amazed that it was all I could do not to laugh out loud. 

How strange… this woman had indeed provoked me into smiling again.  Just seeing her, hearing her voice inside my head, being near her did it.  She had the power to make me happy.  So few things in life did that for me.

"Guess I am," I mused, and ruffled her pigtails playfully.  She squealed and wriggled off the bench again to rejoin her friends.  I turned up the music.

- - - - - - - - - -

It was a pretty nice day, I'll admit.  I spent the rest of the afternoon reading while Sakura ran herself ragged on the playground.  Eventually the sun began to drop and all her friends filtered away.  Tired but content, she flopped down on the grass at my feet.

"That was so much fun, Onii-chan!  I promised my friends that I would come every day over the summer.  I can come, right?  You'll bring me every day, right?"

My first impulse was to give a derisive snort.  Then I reconsidered.  It wasn't as if I had anything else to do in the afternoons.  And this book was getting pretty good.  I hadn't been very enthusiastic when I found out we were assigned an American novel for our lit class, but it was drawing me in. 

"Well, that depends, I suppose."

"On what?"

"On whether you help me wash the dishes after dinner."  Might as well get something out of it, right?

"Really?  If I help, you'll let me come play?  Will you help me with my gymnastics, too?"

"I'll think about it.  Come on, let's get home.  I gotta start dinner.  And we still have to go do one errand."

"What's that?"  I had to pull her to her feet, she looked so tired.  I half considered carrying her on my back, then lost my nerve.  Maybe Kaho had put me in a better mood, but there were still limits.

"You'll see."

She was tired, but she managed to keep pace with my long strides as I made my way to the hardware store.  By the time we got home, her eyes were half closed and I sent her up to take her bath while I started dinner.  Dad arrived, and we ate.  It was almost quiet without her persistent chatter, Sakura being too tired to talk much.  She did manage to reply to Dad's queries that she had indeed had a good day, and that her big brother had helped her learn to do a handspring, and taken her to the park.

He stopped, his chopsticks midway to his mouth.

"He did?"

"Yup," she answered happily, not paying attention to the way he was looking at me, or the way I was returning his stare.  "And then we went to the store and bought wood!"

"Bought wood?" he repeated carefully, still looking in my direction.  I shrugged nonchalantly. 

"Yeah.  They'll deliver it tomorrow morning.  If you want the shelves at any certain height, be sure and give me the specs.  I'll probably get started on them the day after tomorrow."

"Oh."  He looked so dazed that I was tempted to laugh out loud again.  If only he knew the reason…

I finished and stood up. 

"I'm done.  You don't mind washing up, do you Dad?  I'd like to take a walk."

All he could do was nod silently, still too surprised to even speak.  I had to hide my grin as I found my shoes and left the house. 

- - - - - - - - -

In mid-July, the sky never really gets dark at night.  Instead, it becomes this unreal shade of royal purple and black blended together.  Mankind has yet to successfully imitate it, a fact for which I am extremely grateful.  For those of us who like to wander out on a midsummer's night, that shade is special and unique.  As I walked, more and more stars began to appear.  The moon was a thin crescent tonight, hinting at things to come.

Jeez, what's with me tonight?  Why am I looking up at the sky with all these mushy thoughts running through my mind?  This isn't me.  I'm tough.  I'm strong.  I'm a fighter.

_Don't forget moody, silent, and rebellious._

I turned at her voice in my mind.  A breeze stirred the leaves of the shrine trees, teasing her hair. 

_You made me smile today._

_I didn't make you; you did that on your own._

_It's because of you.  I was actually in a good mood today, and it's because you came to see me.  _

She didn't respond to that, and just smiled with a tiny shrug.

_No one's been able to do that for me since… since before.  No one's been able to reach me.  I know you know this already._

_Yes._

_You convinced me not to fight Ryu, and you cheered me up about Sakura.  How do you have this power over me?  Why do I listen to you when I haven't listened to anyone in four years?_

_Attraction has many interesting side effects._

My thoughts scattered at that statement, and dumbly I watched her wander close to the old cherry tree, then lean back against its trunk.  Attraction?

_Do you fear this power, or do you like it?_ she asked.

A good question, and uncertainly I paced back and forth before her.  I knew she could hear my thoughts, but they raced ahead anyway, tumbling over one another in an effort to claim priority.  I had been very careful, these past four years.  I'd walled myself off, keeping myself separate from the reality that governed the rest of the world.  My own father - I had forced a divide between us that could probably never be totally healed.  I could hardly stand to touch my own sister.  Those outside my family were even more alien; existing in a kaleidoscope of blurry faces and names.  None of them mattered. 

I lived in my own world, seeing things that no one else could and thinking dark thoughts no one else dared.  I was safe there, in my own world; no one could hurt me.

But this mysterious woman, this vision with hair like the sunset, had walked through the gate effortlessly.  She had invaded my world, and she had a power over me.  Therefore, she was something to fear.

She gave no indication that she knew what was going on in my head, and waited patiently.

And yet, by her very presence, my world had been disrupted.  There was a void now, an emptiness that my melancholy rock n'roll could no longer fill.  I hadn't tried to put words to it, but I knew what it was. Loneliness.  Behind all the attitude, after all this time, I was desperately and achingly lonely.  The time had come to let someone in.

Before my thoughts had even run their full course, I was drawing closer, pulled inexorably by her powerful magnetism. When I was standing just a breath away, I paused.

"I really want to kiss you right now," I said aloud.  I had to say that out loud.  I needed to hear myself say the words.

She said nothing, acceptance clear enough in her eyes.  Nervously I placed my hands against the rough bark on either side of her head.  I'd never kissed anyone before.  And she was so much older than I was, so much more experienced, not to mention beautiful…

But the cravings in my body wouldn't be denied, and I placed my mouth directly on hers.  Her lips were warm and soft, inviting me in.  I responded to that invitation and parted her lips with my tongue.  And this was truly exquisite, to probe her mouth and press even harder.  I knew I might be coming on a little strong, but I couldn't help it.  The relief of finding someone to connect with after all this time had broken the dam, and my emotions were flooding me, lending strength to the kiss.  It didn't matter.  She was strong enough to take it; more than anyone else she was prepared to handle the force.

I kissed her a lot after that, my hands leaving the tree to run through her hair, and then travel down her body until they were resting on her hips.  The soft skin and feminine curves of her body were driving me to a frenzy.  I wanted her so much, and I pushed even harder.  She never held back, just let me taste and taste until finally I declared an end to the session by pulling away and resting my forehead against hers.

Our shallow breathing was a roar in each other's ears.

"I think," she whispered, "it's going to be a really good summer."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters


	6. ch6 summer

**Chapter 6**

**'summer'**

_Darlin, when I think about you, _

_I think about love._

_Darlin, can't live without you, _

_And your love._

_If I had those golden dreams of my yesterday, _

_I would wrap you in the heavens, _

_And feel it dying, dying all the way. _

_I feel like making love to you._

It was a good summer.  In fact, I don't think I've had such a good summer since before she died.  For the first time in years, I had something to look forward to when I woke up in the mornings, and I found myself actually smiling at my reflection in the bathroom.  It was kind of nice, to smile regularly.  Strange, but nice. 

Mornings I spent down in our basement, sawing and sanding, directing the monster to hand me nails.  She was so excited that she was helping her big brother on this project that her enthusiasm couldn't be contained.  After she'd managed to get herself covered in sawdust, swung from the planks on the hawser, got varnish in her hair, and almost caused me to lose my hand with the electric saw, I had to banish her to the bottom step.  Even that didn't deter her cheer, and she hugged her knees to her chest and jabbered at me about anything and everything that went through her seven year-old head.  It was a little mind-numbing, but that's what the music was on for.  Most of the time I managed to tune her out, but not always.

"How does it work?" she asked one morning, watching me finish running the saw through a slab of pine.  I took off my goggles and gulped some water.

"How does what work?"

"The saw, and all the other stuff.  How does electricity work?"

Science is one of my hobbies, and a million explanations ran through my head concerning Thomas Edison and the passage of energy through conductors.

"Magic," I said instead. 

"Really?"

"No, but the truth is more complicated."

"Oh…"  She seemed impressed by that logic, and watched with wide eyes as I flipped the switch for the electric sander.  "Magic is real," she said firmly when I finished.  "I believe in it."

"Good for you."  Our father the college professor would not be pleased if he could hear this conversation, but I brushed that thought aside.  Dad didn't know everything, and he would never understand the world that I knew.  What did it hurt if Sakura believed?

- - - - - - - - - - -

After breaking for lunch, I gathered my summer homework and took her to the park every afternoon.  My progress through the book was slow going, as I had to fulfill my duties as gymnastics coach.  At first it was just her. 

"You have to keep your legs straight," I instructed her for the millionth time.  "It looks sloppy when you curl your legs in like that."

"I'm trying!  I am keeping them straight."

"No, you're not.  I'm watching you, and I can see.  Here, watch."  I demonstrated again, arching backwards and kicking my feet straight up in a back walkover.  "Pretend that there's wood strapped to your legs and you can't bend them at all."

All her little friends were gathered around, and watched with wide eyes.

"Ooh, that looks cool.  I wish I could do stuff like that."  The one with glasses looked at me adoringly.  They'd all developed huge crushes on me, naturally, but they were young enough that I could afford to ignore it. 

"Oh, you should do it too, Naoko-chan," Sakura encouraged.  "My brother will show you how.  He's the bestest teacher ever!"

"Wait a minute - " I tried, but she continued doggedly.

"My brother can do everything.  He cooks, and he's building the bookshelves in our home, and he can sew, and he's a great teacher.  He'll show you how, Naoko-chan."

They all oohed and ahhed a little, and I was surprised at the slight flush of warmth to my cheeks.  It was true, being forced into the role of a second parent had taught me a lot, but I never really thought it was any big deal.  I did it because I had to, not because I wanted to.  It disturbed me a little that she was ascribing me hero status because of it.

"Oh, I don't know, Sakura-chan.  I'm a bookworm.  I don't know how to do any of that.  I'm not even sure if I want to be cheerleader."

"You have to, Naoko-chan!  You can join with me and Chiharu-chan!  Think how much fun it will be!"

The one with glasses was unable to resist Sakura's dazzling smile, like everyone else, and relented.

"If you really think so," she said bashfully, and Sakura tugged on my hand.

"Show her, Onii-chan.  Show her how to do the cartwheel."  I cast another longing glance at my untouched book, but how could I refuse? 

"Fine," I groaned, and started to go through the motions.  After that day I found myself training not only her, but her friends as well.  She tried her hardest to get everyone involved in the lessons, but the one with long dark hair shook her head at every plea.  Instead she just sat on the bench and watched Sakura practicing her handsprings.  I thought the way she stared at Sakura was a little weird, but I was relieved nonetheless that she chose to sit out.  One less for me to worry about. 

As the weeks wore on, she and her friends got good enough to practice without me spotting, and I started making headway into my homework.  Sakura thought I was a terrible nerd, doing schoolwork during the summer, and said so.

"Just wait a couple years," I promised.  "You'll get yours."

She gulped at that and went to join her friends on the swings. 

"It must be nice," someone sighed, and looked over to see the one with long hair still sitting at the end of the bench.

"What must be nice?"  I tried to remember her name but couldn't.  There were too damn many of them, and they were all so short.  How could one keep track?

"To take care of Sakura-chan like you do."  What?  "It must so much fun."  _Excuse_ me?

She smiled at my expression and skipped away, her long hair swishing with the movement.

Take care of Sakura?  Yeah, I baby-sit her.  Again, because I have to.  Not because I want to.  There must be something seriously screwy with that girl.

I scowled and opened my book.  For some reason though, the words of that girl continued to nag at me.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Dad was busier than ever, with the summer-school students, and it fell to me to prepare dinner after taking Sakura home in the evenings.  While she splashed upstairs in the bathtub, I would flip the radio back on and practice my culinary skills.  I knew I should be annoyed that I was expected to make dinner every single evening, with Dad usually arriving just in time to sit down and start eating.  I was, a little.  But I could afford to shrug it off.  Evening meant the day was drawing to a close, and the reason that I looked forward to waking up was approaching.  And so I nodded in a blasé manner when he made a point of thanking me every evening for fixing dinner. 

I still hadn't seen too much of him throughout the vacation, despite his hints of wanting to work with me in the basement on Sundays.  Dad's always been pretty coordinated, and he's great at things like sewing, but that dexterity didn't extend to carpentry.  It takes a special kind of mind for it, I'd decided during the construction.  I'm good at math, but that's not all of it.  I understand the physical world; I'm comfortable with tangible objects and how they fit together.  I'm good at it, unlike dealing with emotions and feelings.  And he was not.

Finally I just put him to work painting the varnish on my finished shelves, and this he did well enough.  But there was still a tension between us down there in the gloom, and uneasy silences that persisted despite my thumping stereo in the corner. 

"You're doing a really great job with these," he would say occasionally.

"-t's no big deal."

And we would lapse into silence again.  I really don't know what he was expecting – that we would bond with laughter and tears over a hammer and nails, maybe.  Yeah right.  In the reflection of the saw blade, I occasionally caught him looking at me with sad eyes.  It was enough to make me scream with frustration.  He wanted something that would never happen, something that could never be.  And what's more, I knew it wouldn't be long before he gave up and went where he really wanted to be.

"You know," he started, examining the brush in his hands, "as long as we've got these, I was thinking I could paint Sakura's room.  She's been talking about how boring those white walls are.  Green, maybe, to match her eyes."

I paused for a second, then continued to mark off the plank with my pencil.  I had to be careful to line it up precisely, or the shelf wouldn't fit into the slot.  Here it came.  I was surprised he'd taken as long as he did. 

"I know I'm not much of a help to you down here; I feel like I'm getting in the way.  Maybe if you got the paint sometime this week, I could start on her room next Sunday.  I'm sure she'd be delighted to 'help' me too."  He said that last with a wry grin, hoping to see me smile, but I just grunted noncommitally.  He hadn't even asked me if I'd like a new color for my room, not that I cared.  The previous resident had painted it a pale yellow, which was fine with me.  But he hadn't asked, and I knew why.  Because he just wanted to be with her.  And how could I blame him?  Who would want to spend time with a moody teenager like me when they could go upstairs and be with her?

I dumped the noodles onto his plate with a flick of the serving spoon.

"Got the paint today.  It's outside her room."

"Oh, thank you, Touya-kun.  We'll start on Sunday.  Won't that be fun, Sakura?  We can do it together."

She assented enthusiastically and beamed in his direction, and his smile grew.  I looked away and concentrated on eating.  Yes, I should definitely be annoyed, but I wasn't.  The sun was getting ready to set, and it was almost time.  The evenings were the best.  I always finished as fast as I could, and fidgeted impatiently until he'd begun washing up and Sakura was still nursing her ice cream.  Then I would split.

It took him a few months, busy fussing over Sakura like he always did, but at long last in the waning summer he finally began to notice.

"Where do you always go when you run off in the evenings, Touya-kun?  Don't you want to sit back and relax a little?"

Not a chance.  I smothered a snort as I turned around, my hand on the doorknob. 

"Not going anywhere in particular," I said with a straight face.  "Just a walk.  I like a little quiet time after taking care of my sister all day."  That last part came out a little pointedly, and his eyebrows went up.  There was no doubt that I resented baby-sitting her all day, every day, but as long as I was doing such a swell job of it, I might as well use it as a bargaining chip.  If he wanted me to continue being so helpful with the shelves and her gymnastics, then he could just back off about my private activities. 

He didn't respond, and I slipped out of the door with a chuckle.  I knew he wouldn't press any further.  He was too anxious to maintain the current peace.

And then came the good part.  Then came the part of the day that made me glad to wake up in the mornings, although it was hell sometimes making myself wait until the sun had gone down.  Time never seemed to go quickly enough until the sky was fading pink in the west and assuming that velvety purple in shade again, and I was standing in the shrine.  She was usually there by the time I arrived, cleaning, sweeping, the night breeze tugging at her kimono and teasing her hair.  Whether her back was turned or not, she knew when I arrived, and would turn to greet me with a full and gentle smile.  Sometimes we spoke, sometimes there was no need.

I brought out something from behind my back and traced it across her lips.

"For you."

"It's beautiful," she murmured, her eyes never leaving my face.  "What's the occasion?"

"No reason.  I think my dad actually felt guilty about all the work I've been doing downstairs and paid me for my labor.  I wanted to get something for you."

She plucked the lily from my hand and inhaled its scent, closing her eyes to appreciate it better.  I hoped she liked it.  A tiger lily, the florist called it, its large curving petals a vibrant sunset color that were spotted with vermilion.  It was the most colorful flower in the store, and it reminded me of her hair the moment I saw it.

Maybe it was because I'd been in the paint store that day, but I was just beginning to notice there was something strange about color with Kaho.  She almost invariably wore neutrals whenever she could, mixing solids of black, white, and khaki, and disdaining patterns.  Her kimono seemed to be the only exception, and even that was a very pale pastel.  Not only did she rarely wear color, she abstained from makeup entirely.  Her hair was the sole exception, and I wondered sometimes if she wished for a quieter shade.  I hoped not.  In a way, her color preferences were indicative of the part of Kaho that bothered me.  The cool, removed, dispassionate part of her, the part that only reminded me how temperamental and touchy I could be.  It didn't matter how frenzied my kisses became, how obvious my ardor.  She was like a still and calm lake; nothing could touch her placid nature.  She was holding back.  I knew these were subjects I should bring up, address openly and directly, but I couldn't bring myself to.  It was far easier to just kiss.  And so I contented myself with buying her a colorful flower.

"It's lovely," she said in thanks.  "I believe I have a vase in the stand I can put this in.  Everyone tomorrow will be able to enjoy its beauty."

"Don't you want to take it home?" I asked lightly.  I'd never seen her home.  I had no idea where she lived, where she slept and ate.  It was as if she disappeared into the dark every night and reemerged with the sun the next day.

Knowing my thoughts, she gave a light laugh and moved over to the little charm stand of the shrine.

"But beauty is best when shared with many, don't you think?  Why be selfish?"

There were so many secrets in this woman.  I knew I could reach and reach and I'd never find the bottom of the lake; there's always something that she'll hold back.  It was part frustrating and part intriguing.  The urge to explore was what drew me back, night after night, hungry for more. 

"How was your day?"

"Same as always.  Spent the day taking care of the little monster, only to be told that evening that I should really be more like her."

"Did he actually say that?"

"He practically did.  He didn't even try to stick it out until the shelves were done.  He's already switching to painting her room, just to get away from me."  I leaned back casually against the short fence and looked at the stars.

"You know he doesn't want to get away from you.  It will take him time."

"Time for what?"

"To overcome his fear." 

"Fear?" I repeated.  That was new.  "Fear of what?"

She was brushing her fingertips over the petals as she arranged my gift in a bowl of water.  After a moment, I realized she wasn't going to reply and shifted my attention back to the sky.  There were some questions, I'd discovered, that she would not answer no matter what, and it was pointless to pursue.  My father didn't concern me that much, anyway.

Instead, I was thinking how completely she understood me and my poor, dysfunctional family.  She knew, she always knew exactly what the problem was.  I never had to explain.  It occurred to me right then that I'd never even had to tell her that Mom died when I was ten.  She just knew.

She was done in the gift stand and back by my side now, her hand running lightly up my chest.  I sucked my breath in a little.

So many mysteries.  So many unexplained things about her, so much that I didn't know.  It wasn't fair; it wasn't balanced.  I should really make an effort to probe, to find some answers.

She was kissing me lightly on my neck now, moving up in a line towards my ear.  I couldn't quite swallow the moan of pleasure.  How could I?  How could I deliberately ruin the one thing in my life that gave me any kind of happiness?  She was the only one that I'd been able to make a connection with in four years.  I needed her, and I turned my head slightly so I could return her kisses, dropping them lightly on her forehead.  All day, every day through the summer, she was all I could think about.  Kissing her, touching her, exploring her.  I was blooming under her touch, my desires becoming more and more insistent as the weeks passed.  The more I tasted, the more I wanted. 

My mouth found hers at last and I pushed in more aggressively than usual, wanting to control at least one thing between us.  She let me kiss her as long as I wanted, she never pulled away until I was done.  But when I began to move my tongue down her neck, she would change her position, subtly denying me, deflecting me.  She didn't have to say anything, she knew I understood.  And even though I didn't like it, I would obey and withdraw.  For the time being, at least, she wasn't willing to let me go any further.

I inhaled the scent of her hair and encircled her from behind, taking her hands in mine.  After that first surge of lust, even this was nice.  It was nice to have her in my arms, and I swayed slightly as I rested my chin on her shoulder and began to hum.  Eventually, the humming turned into lyrics, tickling her ear with the movement of her lips. 

"I so enjoy it when you do that," she said when I had finished.  I smiled.

"She loved music."

"What?"

"I love music," I repeated, a little louder.  "Speaks to me.  It was the only one that understood me for a long time."  I squeezed her a little tighter when I said that.  She was quiet for a moment.

"Why does it speak to you?"

"I don't know.  There's a lot of pain and heartache out there.  Music just says it better than anything else.  Especially American and British rock.  Japanese music is a little 'cute' for my tastes."

She laughed at that.

"You know it fairly well."

"I guess.  Not much else to do."

"Music resembles football in your life.  Something to help you escape."

I tensed a little.  "Isn't it possible to just be with you?  Does it always have to be a journey of self-discovery?"

All I could think about was nibbling on that ear.  She said nothing, but I felt her emotions mellow and relax.  She wasn't going to argue the point.  Gently, very gently, I began to trace my tongue along the edge, until I could suck on the lobe. 

And her disturbing comments were dispelled.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

So it wasn't a perfect summer.  Good, but not perfect.  There was still stuff there, conflict beneath the surface that occasionally caused me a sleepless night.  That, amongst other things.

"Ooh, looky, looky, Onii-chan!  A festival!  It looks like fun!  Can we go?  Please?"

I was jerked from my musing by the monster, bouncing up and down and yanking on my hand as we wandered home from the park.  She was looking at a poster that had been tacked against the fence.

"It's tonight!  Can we go, please?"

No way.  I didn't give up my nights with Kaho for anything.

"Ask Dad to take you.  You don't need me."

"Dad will be too busy," she said matter-of-factly.  "He'll just ask you to take me.  So can we go?"

That caught me by surprise.  It's funny what little kids will notice.  For all the attention and enthusiasm she lavished on Dad in the evenings, she knew who spent the majority of time with her.  A funny feeling of pride asserted itself, before disintegrating under my annoyance.

I didn't want to go.  I really needed to see her again tonight, after what happened this morning.  Thinking about it made me break out in a cold sweat again.  I had been comfortable, settling into my new routine, and then this had to happen.  I was jumpy, nervous, on edge.  I needed her to bring me back to reality. 

"It's not like it's very far," she said chattily, still hoping to convince me.  "It's at that shrine.  The Tsu- Tsukim -"

It was a long word and she screwed up her face in concentration trying to read it aloud.  She didn't notice my despairing expression.

No! I was mentally shouting.  No! No! _No!_  Why tonight, of all nights?  Why there?  That's our place – it's private.  You can't put up a bunch of tents and lights and take that away from me, I need it.  I need her.  Today more than any day, after what happened this morning.  Must the world conspire against me?

"So will you take me?"  She turned her face up to mine and put on her most pleading expression.  I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming out loud; it wasn't as if it was her fault.  It was obvious that I wasn't going to get any time alone with her that night anyway.  I might as well.

"Sure, I'll take you."  
"Yaaay!"

- - - - - - - - -

"What do you think?"  She twirled in the middle of the living room, almost tripping on the hem of her overly-long yukata.  Dad had made it for her, naturally, purposely too big so that she could grow into it.  But for his plan to work, she was going to have to eventually grow one of these days. 

I turned my head slightly so I could see from my horizontal position on the couch.

"You're going to get lost in there, shrimp."

"Onii-chan!"

"Touya-kun," Dad remonstrated from behind a stack of term papers on the dining table.  "Be nice.  I think you look very beautiful, Sakura-san."

She glowed.

"Arigatou for making this for me!"  She bounced across the room to give him another hug, which he returned with one arm while still scanning the paper in his hand. 

"I'm glad you like it so much.  Have fun tonight.  Stay close to your brother."

"Hai!" 

My eyes were closed now, replaying that scene from the early morning, but I felt her hand slip into mine and give it a tug.

"C'mon, Onii-chan, don't you want to get changed?  I wanna go!"

"I'm not really in a yukata mood tonight."  I said this with eyes still firmly closed, so I wouldn't have to see Dad's expression.  He'd made mine too, of course.  But there was no way I was bothering to get out of my jeans. 

"Then let's go already!"  Throwing her little body into the effort, she managed to drag me partway off the couch. 

"Okay, okay, I'm going," I muttered, and twisted her wrist until she was lying on the floor.

"Hey!" she squealed, as I stood up and stretched.

"Touya-kun, please don't do that to your sister.  Remember what I said when you started taking karate?"

"I know, I know.  No picking on her.  You never seem to mind when she attacks me."

"That's because she's little and she can't hurt you.  You're the one that needs to exercise self-control."

I growled impatiently in the back of my throat and extended an open hand.  He waited for a moment before handing me several yen notes.

"Please don't buy her too much candy.  She'll never go to sleep."

"Don't I know it.  Come on, paintbrush."  I ruffled her short and bristly pigtails before turning toward the door.

"Don't call me that!"

"I'll call you whatever I want, shrimp."

"Onii-chan!"

"Monster."  She delivered a quick kick to my shins.

"Touya!!"

We left, and her irritation quickly subsided in her excitement at the occasion.  Privately, I was dreading this, wondering what my quiet sanctuary would look like when it was festooned with decorations and filled with people.  I hoped it wouldn't ruin for me.  We crossed the bridge and already I could see the colorful lights ahead.  So could she.

"We're almost there.  Come on!"

She skipped ahead joyfully, not minding the darkened sidewalk and its uneven bricks.

"Wait, Sakura, don't -"

She tripped on her long hem and went sprawling, hitting the pavement with a painful smack.  I winced.

"Waahh!"

"I tried to warn you."

"It hurts!"

"Maybe that'll teach you."

She sniffled as I knelt to pull her up.  She wasn't bleeding anywhere, but I could see the white scraped skin on her hands where she'd caught herself.

"You'll live.  Stop crying."

I used the material of her floppy sleeves to wipe her cheeks as she whimpered.

"Kiss it."

"Excuse me?"

"Please?"  She extended both of her hands, palms up, her green eyes shimmering with tears.  She looked so hurt and vulnerable.  She was looking at me… asking me…

And something in those pain-filled green eyes stirred such misery in my heart that I could hardly breathe.  My heart was beating fast and hard.  I wanted to jump to my feet and run.

What was wrong with me?  Forget her nicknames, I was the real monster.  I was so cruel that I couldn't even stand to kiss my own little sister's scrapes.  I was a horrible person.

I took both of her hands in mine and closed my eyes, dropping a light kiss on each.

"There.  Feel better?"

She nodded, then placed her arms around my neck in a hug of gratitude.  I couldn't bring myself to return it, but I didn't push her away either.  Could she feel it?  Did she have any inkling how much I couldn't stand to touch her?  Did she have any idea how much I hated myself for hating her? 

I prayed not.

- - - - - - - - - -

Once I'd bought her a snow cone, she forgot her injuries and happily skipped from tent to tent.  Everyone was dressed in a rainbow of yukatas, and she would tug on my shirt and point out all the beautiful designs.  There were displays of art, demonstrations of skill, and games.  People laughed and called out greetings to one another.  The place had been totally transformed; now it was Sakura's element instead of mine.  Moodily I glared at the tree waving in the background.  I felt as though something precious had been taken from me.

Not taken, Touya.  Only borrowed.  For no one can expect to be the sole keeper of something so beautiful forever.  Don't you think?

I had to restrain myself from whirling around at her voice, but turned slowly, keeping half an eye on Sakura she raved over a friend's outfit.

_I didn't think you'd be here._

_Why not?_

She stood several paces away, decked out in a beige and white floral pattern.  Of course.

_Because things are different tonight.__  They've taken what was ours and made it theirs._

_Doesn't everyone have the right to enjoy this place?_

I lowered my eyes for a moment, embarrassed. 

_It was special to me._

_Me too.__  But it's not forever, Touya, only for a night.  We all have to let go sometime._

Again, I had the feeling that she was saying more than what she was saying.  But what?

I took a step closer to her.  I couldn't help myself; I had so ached to see her today.  And now that she was so close – even in this throng of people I could feel the connection between us, drawing me in.  She was moving forward too, though not in a straight line.  She sidled to the side and in, keeping to the shadows of the game tents.

I really needed to be with you tonight.  It's been a difficult day.

She could sense my turmoil, and I could feel her curiosity. 

_Will you show me?_

I had wondered whether she could see visions in my mind as readily as she could hear my thoughts.  Apparently she could.  At her invitation, the memory was spinning again, weaving the image.  Again, I saw myself in the hallway that morning, making my way toward the bathroom.  Again I froze mid-step at the sight of her pale and gauzy image wafting through my dad's bedroom door. 

I wasn't aware of it, but I was still moving through the crowd, comforted by her nearing presence.  She was safety and security, a haven from this haunting image.

I don't know why she came.  I don't know why she chose to visit again after so long, and what she was doing in the hall.  Probably on her way to Sakura after visiting Dad's dreams.  All I do know was that the sight of her shocked me, shattering my summer tranquility. 

It was eerie, showing the ghost of my mother to Kaho, but I knew she could see every detail from my mind.  She could see how my mother's eyes had widened slightly at the sight of me, then gazed a little sadly upon my unwelcoming expression.  I hadn't been able to help myself.  In the past I had always acknowledged her presence, at least, if not smiling and greeting her.  But this time I tore my eyes away from her beautiful face and stared fiercely at the carpet until my dad opened the door and asked me if something was wrong.

"No," I had barely managed to choke before diving into the bathroom. 

_I didn't want that_, I said crossly.  _I was getting along well.  Why did she have to come down and ruin it all for me?  I don't want to be reminded of it!_

_There are some that would rejoice if they could see their loved ones after death._

I swallowed at the thought of Dad, always arranging those pictures of her around the house so he could see her face.  Wouldn't he just love it?

I did not ask for this.  I don't understand why I can do it or what it's supposed to be used for, but I did not ask for this power. 

She was so close…  I could inhale her female scent now; her nearness was tantalizing. 

_So few of us ask for the gifts we have in life._

_I just want to be normal_, I pleaded.  _I'm so tired of all of it.  On a night like tonight, I should only be thinking of one thing._

And that one thing was so very close.  I leaned in, mesmerized by her mouth.

"Hey, Kinomoto!"

This time I did jump and whirl around, fists up and panting.  But it was only Aki, wearing a flamboyant yukata and toting one of his many girlfriends on his arm.

"Jeez, Aki, don't do that to me!"  
"Gomen.  I was just so surprised.  Didn't think I'd see you in a place like this."

"You and me both," I said a little shortly.  Kaho was nowhere to be seen, and I wondered how she'd slipped away so fast.  I couldn't let it rest like this.  I had to find her again.  I was desperate.  I needed her.

"Could you do me a favor and watch my sister for a few minutes?  There's someone I really need to go talk to."

I snagged Sakura by the belt of her yukata and pushed her forward.  Aki looked stunned.

"You have a _sister_?"  He looked back and forth between her beaming face and my moody expression, searching for a resemblance.

"Please don't start.  I'll be right back."  I turned on my heels and strode away.  Behind me, I could hear him asking Sakura if she was actually related to me, and her chirping affirmative.

I shook my head and broke into a light run, ignoring the exclamations of people I brushed past, darting through the thick crowd as I searched.  How could she disappear so fast?  How could she fade away like that?  Leave me alone?  Right when I needed her the most!

I felt another fleeting panic like I had earlier with Sakura, but this time a kiss was exactly what I wanted.  What if I couldn't find her? What if –

But no.  There she was, under the shelter of the tree.  It was somewhat apart from the main festivities, relatively quiet and dark back here.

_You left me._

_I came to meet you here.  I knew you would want it to happen here._

She was right, although I didn't know what 'it' was.

Everything about me is so different.  No one understands me.  You're the only one.  No one else could understand what happened to me this morning.

She gave a tiny nod.  And then, like the field lights snapping on in an evening football match, I suddenly understood what was about to happen. 

I feel – right with you.  I am better when I'm with you.  I…

"I love you," I finished aloud, hardly able to believe it even as I spoke.  Untouchable Kinomoto had finally admitted that someone stole his heart.  I had surrendered completely. 

Now what?

There was a silence between us, but it wasn't an awkward one.  The look on her face was one of… relief?  Happiness? 

So you can.

The words were barely whispered, hardly audible in my mind, unlike the usual firm tone she took.  I realized much later that it was one of those thoughts she hadn't really intended for me to hear.

"And I love you, Touya."  She held my chin with one hand and reached forward for the kiss.  And we kissed and we kissed some more.  This time, she let my hands brush over her chest. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

And that's where our relationship was two weeks later when the doors of Tomoeda Junior High opened once more.  Students filled the hallways, chattering excitedly about what everyone's summer had been like.  I ignored them all, stalking through the halls silently until I'd reached my locker.

"Hey, Kinomoto, there you are.  You never did say where you ran off to that night at the festival."

"Arigatou for watching Sakura," I said pointedly, not answering his question.  He grinned and pushed his bangs out of his eyes. 

"I still can't believe that's your sister.  She sure inherited the good mood in your family, didn't she?"

"You have no idea."

He was scrambling to keep the mess inside his locker from falling out as he searched for a copy of his summer reading.

"Oh, here it is.  I knew I left it in here all summer.  Damn, and Literature is in the morning schedule, too.  Quick, did you do the summer reading?  Give me a synopsis."

I pulled out all the books I needed and started walking.  He hurried to keep up. 

"_To Kill a Mockingbird_," I began, "is a story about an incomplete family.  The lawyer married a beautiful young woman, much younger than he was.  They had two kids, a boy and a girl.  And in spite of being so young and healthy-looking, she died.  The father wrapped himself up in his work and depended on the boy to keep an eye on his younger sister all the time.  She was a hyperactive pest, always getting in the way."

"Good, good," he panted, not seeing my face.  "Go on."

"But hate is a constant threat in this racist town," I continued, eyeing Ryu as he approached from the opposite direction.  He stiffened when he saw me and we traded glares, giving each other a wide berth as we passed in the hallway.  "There are people out to hurt those who can't hit back.  The boy, and the mysterious neighbor he's obsessed with, have to be called upon to protect the little girl when the father's enemies turn to attack her."

I stopped speaking and brushed away an unpleasant sense of foreboding.  Aki looked confused as he flipped through the thick novel.

"Is that it?  Isn't there something about a black man on trial or something?"

The first bell rang, and summer was officially over.

"Oh yeah."  I waved a negligent hand.  "He dies."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters.

Author's Notes:

This writer does not mean to constitute a general snub on Japanese music.  I've heard many a Japanese rock song that I rather like.  Unfortunately, since I don't understand the lyrics, there's no way I could have one in my sTouya.  I felt like I needed to give Touya a reason to only be into English-lyric songs, so that's why I had that little conversation. 

Also, for those of you who have not read _To Kill a Mockingbird_, I really do recommend it.  Either that, or see the movie.  The resemblance to our favorite CCS family is really quite startling.


	7. ch7 november

**Chapter 7**

**'november'**

_And when your fears subside, and shadows still remain. _

_I know that you can love me, when there's no one left to blame. _

_So never mind the darkness, we still can find a way. _

_'Cause nothin' lasts forever, even cold November rain. _

_"You don't have to stand over there like that, sweetie.  Come here."  She patted the edge of her bed, and hesitantly I crawled onto it, feeling awkward.  The way Dad always treated her these days, she seemed so fragile.  I didn't want to disturb her, but she didn't seem disturbed.  I had to move some of her hair out of the way, and it ran through my fingers, silky and soft as ever.  _

_"My one remaining vanity," she murmured._

_"Huh?"_

_"Nothing."  She folded her hands in her lap as she sat propped up against the pillows, and smiled.  "How are things going, Touya?  How's school?"_

_"-t's okay."_

_"Making good grades?"_

_"Yeah.  My class had a science project contest, and I won."_

_"Good for you!  Daddy didn't even tell me that."_

_That was because I hadn't even told Dad, for fear that he might get distracted from taking care of Mom.  I shrugged nonchalantly._

_"It was no big deal.  Science is easy."_

_"Maybe for you," she laughed.  "That's one thing I know you got from your father.  I'm not much for numbers."_

_I didn't know what to say to that, so I just looked down at the covers and waited.  After a beat of silence she spoke again._

_"And how's your little sister doing?  Is she being a good girl when you take care of her?"_

_"She's a pain."_

_"I'm sure she is.  But I thank you for watching her anyway.  It's such a help."  At that she reached forward and patted my hand, and I puffed out my chest a little.  In spite of the effort it was taking, I was proud that I could do something to contribute.  It made me feel slightly easier._

_"Touya?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Do you like watching your sister?"_

_"No."_

_She bit her lip and I wished I could take that back._

_"But I can still do it," I added hastily.  "I mean, while you and Dad are so busy."  She nodded._

_"You do a pretty good job of it, don't you?"_

_"I guess."_

_"I think you do.  What would you say if I asked you to look after her for a while longer?"_

_I gave her a suspicious look.  "What do you mean?"_

_"I mean…" She hesitated, trying to find the right words.  "I mean, Dad's not going to be able to do everything.  I was hoping I could trust you to keep an eye on your sister as she grows up."_

_She wasn't making any sense._

_"Who cares if Dad can't do everything?  That's why you're here."_

_She gave a little sigh and changed the topic.  "Touya, do you remember when you were younger?  You said you used to see things."_

_"I did see things."  I crossed my arms out of habit, lifting my chin defiantly.  My parents had never believed me, and it was annoying.  "I wasn't making it up!"_

_"I know, I know," she said quickly.  "Daddy doesn't know, but I do.  Now.  It's hard to explain, but sometimes my medicine makes me see things too.  I'm a little confused, and I'm not really sure what it's all about, but I don't want anybody to get hurt.  I'm worried Sakura might get hurt."_

_Now I was really lost._

_"Huh?"_

_"It's okay, Touya, I didn't expect you to understand.  I hardly do myself, after all.  But you are very strong, and you are near Sakura so often, and you can see things that might hurt her.  So you're the best one to watch her.  See?"_

_My ten year-old mind could not quite grasp all the implications of this conversation, but of one thing I was fairly clear: Mom was trying to get me to agree to baby-sit Sakura for life._

_"I don't want to!"_

_She looked down again._

_"I mean, I don't need to," I amended.  "You'll be able to take care of her once you're feeling better.  You like her better, anyway."_

_"Sweetie, don't be silly.  I like you both just the same."_

_I frowned a little._

_"That wasn't what I meant.  I meant, you like her better than I like her."_

_"Oh."  She looked away again, but it was too late.  I had seen that guilty look in her eyes, and part of me recoiled at it.  The jealousy that I'd felt when she was first born returned in a flash, and I scowled as I slid off the bed._

_"Dad said I have to let you sleep.  I'm going now."_

_"Wait, Touya."  She reached out and grabbed my wrist, wincing slightly with the effort.  "You didn't promise.  I can't let you leave until you promise."_

_"I don't need to!  You'll be able to watch her when you're better!"  I narrowed my eyes at her silence.  "You said you're going to get better.  You are going to get better, right?"_

_She gave a tiny sigh before looking me in the eye again._

_"Yes, Touya.  I am.  But one has to prepare for all cases.  And I need you to promise."_

_It wasn't something that I wanted to do; I had the feeling that if I said anything, she would be tricking me into doing something, or admitting something.  But I could not deny those shimmering, pain-filled green eyes.  There was something in them almost pleading._

_"I promise."_

_Her smile lit up the room._

_"Arigatou, Touya.  I love you very much."  _

_I knew I was supposed to say the same thing back to her, but I waffled and muttered something under my breath before backing away and fleeing the room.  _

I sat up straight in bed, breathing hard, eyes dilated.  I could hardly hear anything over the racket of the rain outside.  It was coming down hard, beating against the window as if it was trying to get in. 

Mom…  you knew.  You knew and you were trying to get me to promise.  Why?  So you could die with a clear conscience?  I'm not her mother figure.  She'll never have one now.

I felt a touch of nausea and crawled out of bed, wincing at the cold touch of the floor.  Summer seemed a million years ago on a night like this, with the freezing rain lashing at the house.  The glowing numbers on my clock informed me that it was six o'clock in the morning. 

"Go away," I muttered into the darkness.  There wasn't a chance anyone was going to hear me over the rain.  I laid a hand against the glass and peered out.  The sun probably wasn't going to be making an appearance today, not in this depressing weather.  "I do not wish to think about that time.  Please leave me alone."

If she was there, she wasn't answering, and I scowled at the barely-visible shrubbery in our backyard.  Six months in this new home, and still I had not put it all behind me.  Still it came back to torture my nights. 

"I just want to be left alone."  It was a plea that fell on no ears, and I rested my forehead against the cold glass. 

I knew she was going to shatter my uneasy peace once more.

- - - - - - -

The school was empty, expectant.  I'd never been here this early before; the hallways were shadowy and silent without the familiar crowds of students to fill them up.  They wouldn't start to arrive for another half an hour, at least.

It was all achingly familiar, and I backed into the wall in the hallway and slid down until I was on the floor.  So much had changed since that day; I was taller, stronger, and smarter.  But still every bit as helpless, and so I returned to that same position, same place.

From the shadows to my left, I heard her approach.

"Did I wake you up?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to."

She didn't come too close, but stood in the middle of the hall, clutching her briefcase with both hands.  I could still hear the rain beating down on the school roof above us. 

"Did you ever wake up," I said slowly, "and know that something really bad was about to happen?  It's so depressing that you don't even want to get out of bed, but you know staying there won't help."

"Why here, Touya?  Why the hallway?"

"I was here when it happened."  I leaned back slightly against the wall and glared at the room opposite.  "I don't remember why.  But it was early morning, and I was sitting out in the hallway, across from their bedroom.  I could hear her.  Every breath sounded like she was being strangled.  I was so scared.  I should have just run, gone back to bed, whatever, but I didn't.  Sat right here in the hallway and listened to her trying to wheeze to Dad that she loved him.  He said the same thing, in kind of a broken voice.  And then her breathing got quiet."

I stopped talking for a second, conscious of that loud rain again. 

"I was… relieved, I think.  I thought she'd gotten over the bad spell and fallen asleep again, or at least was able to breathe easier.  For a minute or two nothing happened.  Then I looked up and I saw her standing in front of me.  I was confused, because I knew she should be in bed.  I hadn't even heard her door open.  And even though I could see her, I knew there was something not quite right about her.  Something about her made me feel queasy.  She didn't say anything or smile, just looked at me a little sadly until I got up and went back to bed."

I wasn't looking at her face, but I could feel her sorrow and sympathy.  I'd never told anyone about this.  Who would I tell?

"And I just lay there, burrowed under the covers, looking at the ceiling and waiting.  Finally, after a long time, Dad opened the door and walked in.  He looked so pale – so, so shrunken.  Like he'd aged several years since the night before.  And he tried to tell me.  Poor Dad."  My voice cracked on that last word, but my eyes remained perfectly dry.  "That must have been the hardest thing in the world to do, and then I jumped off the bed and called him a liar.  I said Mom was just fine, I'd seen her walking up the hallway and everything.  He looked so confused.  He didn't even try to catch me when I ran out of my room and into theirs.  I was sitting next to her on the bed for a full minute, pleading with her to wake up and prove to Dad that she wasn't dead before he came in and pulled me away.  I didn't go quietly.  I hit him.  I hit and kicked and struggled for all I was worth, sure that I was the only who knew that Mom was just fine.  He practically had to wrestle me to the ground and scream at me to calm down.  I'd say it was… several hours before I finally believed.  And that was still better than Sakura.  She didn't even understand what 'dead' meant yet.  She kept asking and asking if she could 'see Mommy today.'  I was ordered to watch her of course.  She didn't stop asking for Mommy for almost a month."

I couldn't bear to talk about it anymore and stood up abruptly, stiff and cold after sitting on the floor. 

"I hate thinking about that time.  I don't know why I'm dwelling on it now."

She looked thoughtful as she stepped closer and peered into the room I'd been glaring at.  The lights were off, but daylight was growing imperceptibly and the white keys of the piano showed up even in the gloom.

"It's music," she said.  "A song stuck in your head that you can't get rid of until you sing it out loud.  You know that feeling?"

"Maybe."

"Do you play?"

"No," I said shortly, and spun on my heels to march away from the offending room.  "Not anymore."

- - - - - - -

I think the rain let up sometime around midday, but it was still cloudy and cold by the time the final bell rang.  I could smell more rain in the air as I stood in the courtyard and waited for Sakura.

"Where were you this morning?"  There was a quizzical look to her green eyes as she skipped up to me.  "Dad was upset."  
"Angry upset or worried upset?"

"I dunno.  Why did you leave so early?"

"I had to go sit in the hallway."

"What?"

"Never mind.  Did you make it okay to school on your own?"

"I know the way," she huffed.  "I can do it on my own."

"Good.  Maybe you can do it more often from now on."

"But it's more fun with you!"  She reached for my hand and I jerked it away just in time. 

"Don't."

Her face fell and her shoulders slumped, and we continued the walk home in silence.  Dad must have been really worried, because he arrived home that evening before I'd even finished fixing dinner. 

"Touya-kun, where were you this morning?  I was worried when I saw your empty bed."

"Had things to do."

"Like what?  You could have told me last night if you needed to go to school early this morning."

"Just things."  I stared at the bowl of noodles I was stirring, fighting - oddly enough - a sensation of panic.  That bad thing that I'd been dreading all day was about to happen.

"Touya-kun, we've been over this before.  I depend on you to help out with your sister, I really can't have you flitting off whenever you feel like it without an explanation."

I accidentally snapped a chopstick in half.

"Get out," I ordered, my voice shaking.

"Excuse me?"

"Stop it.  Leave me alone!  Stop doing this to me!"

Dad looked equally confused and angry.  Sakura dropped her pencil where she'd been working on her math homework at the table and looked up at me.  I paid no attention to either of them.  I only stared at her, brushing her hand over his cheek where she'd just kissed him.  He couldn't even feel it, damn him. 

"Don't do that," I demanded.  "What's the point?  He can't feel it.  He can't feel you.  All you're doing is torturing me.  So stop it."

She looked so hurt, and she placed her hand over her mouth.  Those ethereal wings fluttered a little, and a feather escaped to float down to the floor.

"Touya-kun, look at me.  What are you talking about?"

"Why?" I raged.  "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I miss him so much…" she murmured, reaching out again to caress my father's face.  He was just staring at me, and didn't twitch as she laid her hand on him.

"I don't care," I snapped.  I knew it was cruel, but I couldn't help myself.  I was so sick of it.  "You're dead.  I saw him scatter the ashes!  You're dead, and gone, and supposed to be out of our lives.  No wonder I'm the only one in this family that can't get over it.  I have to keep looking at you, just because you can't get enough of your husband."

"Touya-kun, stop it," Dad begged in a low voice.  "It's not funny."

"Do I look like I'm having a good time?"  In frustration I slammed my fists down on the counter, and Sakura jumped.  "Don't yell at me.  Be mad at her.  She's the one who keeps showing up!"

He sucked in his breath as I pointed to the space beside him.

"You're doing it again.  Aren't you?"

She bowed her head.  "Do you not wish me to see my family?"

"You're _haunting_ me.  I _hate_ it.  I can't _take_ this anymore."

"I thought you'd stopped this.  Why are you doing this to me?"

"I'm not doing it!" I shouted hysterically.  "She is!  And I want her to leave me alone!  Do you hear that, Mom?  Just go away and leave me alone like you're supposed to.  I never want to see you again!"

I was beginning to come undone, I knew, I could see my hands were shaking slightly as I glared at her.  She looked a little shocked, and hurt, but did not respond to my anger.  Instead she sent one last longing glance toward Sakura at the table before dematerializing. 

I knew I should have felt relief that she was gone again, but my heart was twisting after the way I saw her look at me.  At once I felt terrible, but I was too upset and angry too care. 

"Touya-kun, what -"

I brushed past him on my way up the stairs.

"Touya-kun!  Don't you run out on me after something like that!  What do you think you're doing, talking about your mother in that way?"

"I wasn't talking about her, I was talking _to_ her.  You have a problem with that, take it up with her."  I continued to pound up the steps.

"Get back here, Touya-kun!  I think I deserve an explanation!"

"We don't all get what we want!" I shouted, right before slamming the bedroom door hard and locking it.  Already my room was dark and gloomy with the early evening and cloudy cover.  I was having trouble breathing right, and I sank to the floor.  A moment later he was rapping insistently on the door behind me.

"Touya-kun, you come out here right now.  I mean it."

"Leave me alone."

I rested my forehead on one knee and listened to him order me out for a few minutes before finally giving up and retreating.  I could imagine what the scene would be like downstairs, and decided that I didn't need to eat that night.  I didn't want to do anything except escape.

I threw myself on my bed and buried my face in the pillows.  Outside, the rain began to beat against the window once more.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It seemed as though sleep would never come, but eventually it must have.  I stirred and woke at the sound of my alarm, then groaned. 

School, today?  How could I face any of them?  How was I going to face Dad?  I couldn't, I just couldn't go out there.  But what was the alternative?  I couldn't live in my room for the rest of my life.  I was just going to have to get through it.  I'd endure his usual lecture about setting a good example for Sakura, then make a break for it.  I was certainly used to being in trouble; I could deal with it.

But it wasn't fair.  It wasn't my fault.

Wearily I pulled on my clothes, made a half-hearted attempt at brushing my hair, then dragged myself downstairs.  He was already there, not making breakfast or our lunches as he usually did but sitting quietly at the table with his hands clasped together.  It looked almost as if he were praying when I came to a stop at the bottom step.

"I thought you were doing well," he said in a low voice.  "I thought you were actually starting to heal, here in this new town.  I really thought you were going to make it."

He didn't seem angry so much as sad.  I remained silent.

"When you said those things all those years ago, I thought you just had an active imagination.  When you continued to tease Sakura with them, I thought you were just making it up to annoy her.  But I can't explain last night.  That look in your eyes frightened me, Touya-kun.  For whatever reason, you genuinely think that you're talking to her, and that's not healthy.  I can't let you continue on like this."

"I know it's not healthy.  It's not like I'm doing it on purpose!"  He held up a hand to indicate silence.

"Shh, Touya-kun.  Let me say this.  I know how independent you try to be, and I'd like to respect that.  But this is one thing that I'm going to have to make you do.  I think you need to talk."

"Talk?"  He swallowed as he looked at my puzzled expression.

"Yes.  To someone who knows about these things."

"Oh."  I got it.  "Oh.  You want me to go to _therapy_?"

"Please don't look at me that way, Touya-kun.  It's not a punishment.  I think it will help you.  You obviously need it."

"I don't need help!  I need privacy!  How can I live my life with her constantly dropping in to look over my shoulder?"

He cringed a little, and I saw that flash of pain through his eyes.

"I so hoped that you wouldn't fight me on this one, Touya-kun.  Don't you think it's a good idea?  You could talk to someone outside the family, get your problems off your chest.  It will be good for you."

"I don't need someone else to talk to," I flared.  "I'm doing just fine!"

"No, you're not -"  He broke off and gave me a curious look.  "Someone else?"

I swallowed and looked him straight in the eye.

"I am not going to some shrink so they can sit there and analyze me.  I'm not crazy, I'm haunted!  Don't you understand that I don't want it?"

"Please don't talk like that, Touya-kun!  You make it sound like you have no control.  I know you do.  I know you're creating it because you miss her but you can't keep doing it like that.  It's too upsetting for your sister and me.  Don't you care how your actions affect anyone else in this family?"

I dropped my eyes.  Why did he always have to make me feel so guilty?  None of this was even my fault!  It wasn't my fault I could see her!

"I will not let you force me into therapy," I said in a cold and determined voice.  "I'm not making it up.  I wouldn't do that to you or me on purpose.  Don't you know that?"

He gave a tiny sigh.

"I would like to believe that, Touya-kun, I really would.  But you're too old to be playing make-believe.  And you've never given much indication in the past that you cared about my feelings.  Why should I think you'd start now?"

And that was what hurt most of all.  That look of pained distrust in his eyes.  He genuinely felt that I was out to hurt him, and who could blame him? 

"I'm not going."

"You are."

"You can't make me."

"I am your father, Touya-kun."  He stood up with his hands on the table's surface.  "And you are just fourteen.  You are not old enough to make this kind of decision on your own."

"No, just old enough to be Sakura's second parent!  You expect me to be there for her every minute of every day, but won't even let me make my own decisions.  How fair is that?"

He threw up his hands.

"I know I ask a lot of you when it comes to Sakura-san, but it's only because I need it so much.  And you are one of my children, too.  Your well-being is just as important.  Outbursts like last night scare me.  That's why I want you to go.  I know plenty of psychology professors in the science department, I'm sure I can get a recommendation for someone really good.  Would you at least give it a chance?"

Overhead, I could hear Sakura's footsteps as she neared the stairs.  I couldn't stand this persecution anymore and walked abruptly toward the door. 

"I'm not crazy.  And I'm not going."

It was raining again, but I didn't stop to look for an umbrella.  Instead I splashed out into the front yard, ignoring the cold drops splattering on my head and shoulders. 

"Touya-kun, get back here!"

"She can walk to school by herself.  I'm not gonna play mother figure for her anymore, not as long as you want to pack me off in a straightjacket.  In fact, I don't think I need to be speaking with her at all."

"You can't mean that."  I jammed my hands into my pockets and turned to look at him, standing on the porch with a dismayed expression.  "You're going to punish your sister because I think you should go to the doctor?  Don't do that, Touya-kun, don't put her in the middle!"

"Why not?  That's all you ever do."

"Dad?" I heard her voice call out in confusion and he turned back toward the doorway. "I'll be right in, sweetie, just sit tight."  He lowered his voice as he turned back to me.  "Touya-kun, I won't let you threaten your way out of this one.  You're going to therapy."

I felt a drop of water make its way under my collar and slide down my back.

"We'll see," I answered stonily, then slammed out of the front gate and started walking.  I knew he wouldn't shout after me or chase me; he had Sakura to worry about.  It was always the same.

- - - - - - - -

The rain wasn't coming down hard, but it was persistent.  I stood, soaked, in front of Tomoeda Junior High and watched all the students run for the front doors.  Inside it would be steamy and noisy with everyone crowding into the hallways, shaking their umbrellas and stripping off raincoats.  They would be laughing and greeting one another, attempting to bring cheer to the dreary day.  I couldn't make myself go in.  Today was not a day that I could face them.

Instead I turned my back and started walking.  I had no particular destination in mind, but quite naturally I ended up there, under the arch of the shrine.  There would be no one coming to visit today.  Kaho wouldn't have to worry about cleaning, not tonight.

"I don't know anything," I informed the cherry tree.  "I don't know what I'm doing at all."

It said nothing, but waited expectantly.  I suppose none of us really ever know what we're doing, but it's still scary when we come to that realization.  When you wake up and suddenly know that life could go in any direction, and you don't have a clue how to handle it. 

I dropped my bag in the mud and reached out with both hands, pressing my palms against the wet bark.  Once again I could feel a shift within the tree.  It wasn't a greeting, exactly, but it was a response of some kind.  It knew I was here, and was reacting to my presence.

_What are you?  Why are you here?_

No answer, yet I could feel the power stirring under my hands.  Slowly, fearfully, I leaned forward until my forehead was resting against the rough texture.

_My eyes snapped open at the sound of the bird singing outside.  I was suddenly very wide awake, though why I didn't know.  I could see by the pattern of light on my ceiling that it was early in the morning.  I wanted to go back to sleep, but I couldn't.  There was something nagging at me.  I had a feeling that something very bad was going to happen that day._

_I pulled my covers up to my nose, but that didn't help.  The bad thing was still coming, and the longer I waited, the more uneasy I got.  Finally I rolled out of bed and crept softly across my room.  Maybe something was wrong with Sakura.  I was supposed to be taking care of her while Dad was busy with Mom; I should go check on her.  I pushed open the door and started down the hallway, but I never made it to Sakura's room.  _

_"Here, drink this.  It'll make you feel better."_

_"Can't – can't swallow…"  Mom sounded really bad this morning, I could hear her labored breathing out in the hallway.  I stopped where I was and started listening, blood pounding loudly in my ears._

_"Shh, yes you can.  This will relax your muscles, make breathing easier."_

_"Won't help.  Can't – fight it anymore."_

_"Please don't talk like that.  I can't stand to see you in pain."_

_"Neither can I," she wheezed.  "I just… want to rest.  Can't do this… anymore."_

_"Take a nap, then.  You'll feel better."_

_"No, darling.  Not that kind of rest.  It's coming.  I can feel it."_

_There was a moment of silence, then I heard his voice again.  It was full of anxiety._

_"What's coming?  What are you talking about?"_

_"You know what I'm talking about," she said gently.  "I lost.  It's here for me, and it's my time to go."_

_Go?  Go where?  Where was Mom going?  I was perplexed and scared, and knew I should go back to bed.  This was one of those grown-up conversations that I wasn't supposed to hear.  But instead I backed up against the wall and slid down until I was on the floor._

_"Stop talking like that!  It's just a bad day, that's all.  You'll be fine if you just take your medicine."_

_"No. No more medicine.  I want to see you with clear eyes.  You are my husband, and I love you so much…"_

_"I love you too, Nadeshiko.  That's why I want you to take your medicine."_

_"Do you believe in magic?"_

_"What?"  He sounded confused at the sudden change in topic.  "Of course not, you know that.  I'm a scientist.  There's no such thing as magic."_

_"Isn't there?" she begged.  "What about us?  What about these past ten years we've had together?  It was magic, the two of us together."_

_"What -"_

_"I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.  I would make every decision the same.  Because I love you -"  Her words were lost in a hacking cough, and I cringed as I heard her struggle to breathe.  He was trying to shush her, tell her to not talk so much, but she ignored his pleas.  "Falling out of that tree was the best thing that ever happened to me.  It brought me to you.  And I've been so lucky to have you in my life.  More than lucky; it was destiny.  Magic.  Magic brought us together.  Tell me you believe in it!"_

_Everything was quiet for a minute, except for her rasping breath.  Then he spoke again._

_"I believe in love, and I believe in you.  Every moment with you was like magic for me."_

_"Good," she sighed.  Her voice was much quieter now.  "That's what I hoped.  It was… magical for me too.  Don't regret… any of it.  Love you… husband…"_

_"Nadeshiko?  Nadeshiko, open your eyes.  Keep looking at me."  His voice sounded a little frantic as he tried again.  "Nadeshiko, please, I love you.  Love you…"_

_I was shaking by now, pinned to the floor with fright.  The conversation I'd just heard was scary as it was incomprehensible.  I had a feeling that I was supposed to be doing something, but what I couldn't guess.  Her breathing grew quieter and quieter until I could no longer hear it._

_At last.  She must have gone back to sleep again.  I relaxed, then stiffened._

_"Mom?" I whispered.  She clasped her hands together and looked down on me, not responding to my voice.  I was worried that she might be angry that I'd been eavesdropping, but she didn't seem to be annoyed.  Instead she looked a little sad._

_"What are you doing out here?  You're not supposed to get out of bed.  Dad said so."  I cast a confused glance back at her door; it was shut.  I hadn't even heard it open.  She still wasn't speaking, and some of my uneasiness returned.  There was something funny looking about her nightgown.  It looked like it was rippling, though the air in the hall was absolutely still.  Her hair was doing it too._

_"Mom, are you okay?"  Uncertainly I stood up to face her better, and she reached forward with one hand.  I flinched when she touched my face._

_"Your hands are cold, Mom.  You should go back to bed."  I took my own advice as I sidled away, going back the way I had come.  Everything seemed to be so strange that morning, all I wanted was to crawl underneath my covers and block it out.  I knew it wouldn't help, but I did it anyway, a last ditch defense against the forces threatening my security.  And there I waited, trembling, for hours until Dad pushed open the door and sat on the edge of my bed._

_"Touya-kun," he began slowly.  "I – I don't know how to begin to say this.  But Mom…  she left us this morning."_

I pushed myself away from the tree with an abrupt jerk, panting hard again.  That was more than just remembering; it was as if I was there again, reliving that awful morning.  I wiped the rain from my face and stumbled backward a step, putting some distance between us.

"Why does anything and everything persist in reminding me?" I railed at the tree.  "I'm trying to forget about that time!  Who wouldn't?  You think I'm a bad person for wanting to block it out?"

It was just a tree of course.  I wasn't screaming at it.  I was screaming at myself.  I hated myself for what I'd said to Mom the day before.  How could anyone be so cruel?

I left the tree and started meandering through the shrine, swinging my bag from one hand.  I know that I should consider myself lucky.  I should be happy that I get to see her.  It's what I've wanted more than anything for the past four and a half years.  But this is different.  I see those wings, the ethereal glow to her skin, and know that it's not the same_. _

It was so hard, the struggle to accept the reality of her death.  Right from that very first time in the hallway, the ability to see her confused me.  She was dead, but she was there.  I was a child trapped in mourning, unable to let go of the grief.  I kept seeing her for the 'last time'.  Indeed, no wonder I couldn't move on and start to heal like the rest of my family. 

Why does it have to be me?  Why should I be the only one that can see her?  Why not Dad, for crying out loud?  He's the one that married her.  What about Sakura?  I know she was Mom's favorite.

But no.  It's me, the sulky black sheep in the family.  The one who's already more different than he would care to be.  She's making it harder for me.  And I'm angry at her.

I ended up somehow in that park that Sakura loves so much, standing before the railing and watching the rain dimple the surface of the creek.

"Please," I choked.  "Let me go.  Leave me in peace.  I can't take it anymore.  Just leave me alone!"

I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could, where it made a satisfying kerplop in the water.  It felt good to just let go, and I picked up another rock, heaving this one even further.  All my frustration was welling up to the surface.  All the years of watching her hover around Dad and Sakura, kissing them and touching them.  It wasn't fair that they didn't have to deal with it.  Why did I have to endure everything?

I lost myself in a haze of anger, throwing every rock I could find out into the creek.  When I'd exhausted myself and my ammunition supply, I braced my hands against the railing and leaned forward to take a breath.

"Why do you put yourself through this?"  Her voice cut through the music in my mind, calm and steady as ever but with a twinge of concern as well.  "Why do you insist on torment?"

I didn't turn around.

"Shouldn't you be in school right about now?"

"I could say the same for you, except my work for the day is done.  School ended over an hour ago."

"What?"  I looked at my watch in disbelief, but it was true.  It had happened again.  I had lost all track of time as I dwelled on the past.

"I will ask again.  Why do you put yourself through this?"

"I'm not.  I didn't ask for what happened last night, or what's been happening ever since she died.  It's not my fault that I can see."  I raked my hand through my wet hair, pushing it out of my eyes.  "Some gift.  It's not a blessing.  It's a curse."

"Yet it is yours.  Yours to live with.  Yours to understand.  Yours to cope with."

"My responsibility?" I asked sarcastically, and I felt her nod behind me.  "I've heard that before."

"Because it's true.  You are the strongest.  You have the ability to bear up under this weight."

I didn't know whether that was something to be proud of or angry about. 

"I'm so confused."

"That's understandable."

"I feel like I'm carrying a burden for my whole family on my shoulders."

"In a way, you are.  Noble, isn't it?"

"More like lonely."

I didn't hear her approach, but she rested her hand on top of mine on the railing.  She was wearing an oversized khaki colored raincoat; her hood pulled up to protect her head.  I could see a few red strands fall forward as she bowed her head.

"And yet… even in a position such as yours, you have friends.  You are not completely alone."  She interlaced her fingers with mine and squeezed.  My skittering emotions became calm, and the turbulence stilled in my heart.  She had reached out and brought me back.  This beautiful woman… she was there for me.

"Thank you," I whispered, "and I love you so much."  I cupped her face to turn it toward me.  And then I leaned in and kissed her with every ounce of passion that I could muster.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  November Rain – Guns n'Roses


	8. ch8 keys

**Chapter 8**

**'keys'**

_Carry on my wayward son, _

_for there'll be peace when you are done. _

_Lay your weary head to rest.  _

_Now don't you cry no more._

It was hard to tear myself away from her and go back home, but I knew it had to be done.  What little daylight there had been throughout the day was gone by the time I opened the door and squelched through.  I'd spent all day in the rain without even feeling the cold, but now that I was back indoors I could feel the chill start to penetrate.  It was time to dry off.

He was just coming out of Sakura's room when I reached the top of the stairs, and he gave me a hunted look.

"Your school called my office.  Where have you been?"

I didn't offer a reply, but he didn't wait for one.

"I needed you here.  She's a mess."  He dropped his voice and nodded his head toward her door.  That was when I realized I could hear crying, and I was seized with a sudden misgiving.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly.

"I don't know.  She won't talk to me.  She keeps asking for you.  I need you to talk to her."  He was begging me with his eyes, and I remembered, somewhat distantly, our conversation that morning.  "Please."

I knew that I should hold back, use this to parley about the shrink, but he looked so desperate.  And my sister's soft sobs could not be ignored.  I dropped my bag on the floor and pushed her door open. 

To my surprise, the lights were off and she was huddled underneath her blankets on the bed.  It was so dark that I could barely see her, but the meager light glinted off her tears and I knew she was in a bad way.  It takes a lot to break through Sakura's cheer.  Mindful of my sodden clothing, I pulled her desk chair up to the side of the bed and sat in it.

"Hey there, short stuff.  What's up?"

"On – On – Onii-chan," she managed to get out between cries.

"That's my name."  I ruffled her hair as she sat up and pulled her knees to her chest.  "What's wrong?"

"I'm scared!"

"Of what?"  I glanced around, there were no ghosts in this room tonight.  "There's nothing here, I promise."

"I'm scared for Mom," she sniffled, and I sucked my breath in.  "Dad said she was in a place called Heaven.  But I asked a teacher today where Mom is and she said she was in the ground, with a gravestone.  But I've never seen that.  And you were yelling at her last night in our kitchen.  There are so many places; it's confusing.  I think Mom is lost!"

Inwardly I groaned as I looked at her face, barely visible in the dark.  She looked genuinely worried that Mom might have lost her way.

"Mom is not lost," I said firmly, trying to allay her fears.  She didn't look entirely convinced.  "There is no gravestone for Mom.  We cremated her."

"Cr-creamed?"

"Cremated," I repeated, then decided not to elaborate on the procedure.  "That means we magically turned her body to ash, and scattered it on the wind.  Mom wanted it that way.  That way she could be free to fly in the air."

She hesitated, trying to understand.

"But Dad said she was in Heaven."

"It's the same," I said awkwardly.  I should not be having to explain these things to her, that's what parents are for.  But she had insisted on asking me.  "Don't worry about what happened to her body.  See this?"  I took her hand in mine, tickling the palm softly.  Her mouth turned up into a slight smile.  "It's just skin and bones.  It's not the important part of you.  The important part is right here."  I tapped her on the top of her head.  "And here."  I placed my hand over her chest.  "Those parts go somewhere else when we die.  They go to a place called Heaven."

"Where is it?  Is it close?"

"Well, yes."

"Then why don't we go there to visit?"

"Um, because people who are still alive can't go there.  It's up in the sky, and the people who are there can look down and watch us."

"Oh.  Is it nice?"

I was beginning to think she'd never run out of questions.

"Yes."

"How do you know, if you can't ever visit?"

"Because…  because Mom would never go to a place that wasn't nice.  She would make it beautiful, just by being there."

"Really?"

"Sure.  The people who are the most happy and sweet-natured in life have the ability to make their place in Heaven very nice.  Mom loved Dad very much, and she was so happy being married to him, that her place in the sky would be extremely beautiful."

She seemed entranced, and nodded.  Then a shadow crossed her face.

"But you were yelling at her in the kitchen last night.  You said she shouldn't be there.  Why was she there instead of Heaven?"

"Um… you."

"Me?"

"Sure.  She was just coming by to check on you, and see how fast you're growing.  I'm sorry that I yelled.  I didn't mean to scare you."

"Then you're not angry with Mom?"

"No," I murmured.  "No, not anymore.  I don't think anyone could ever stay mad at Mom for very long."

"Good," she sighed.  "I wouldn't like it if you were.  So Mom is not lost?"

"Not a bit of it.  Grown-ups never get lost.  You know that."

She did perk up slightly at that, and grabbed my hand to squeeze it with both of hers.

"You're so lucky," she said wistfully.  "I wish I could see her too."

I had to swallow at that, and bite back my instinctive response.

"Close your eyes," I instructed, and she obeyed.  "Now then.  Picture her from the photos.  Can you see her?"

She had her eyes squeezed shut and she nodded.

"Now picture her hair waving in the breeze, and her dress floating around her.  She has long white wings on her back, longer even than her hair, and she's surrounded by a bright golden light.  Can you see all that?"

Again she nodded.

"That's exactly what she looks like.  Now you can see her."

"Wow," she whispered, and I chuckled.  She was concentrating so hard that she didn't notice when I pushed her back down onto the pillow and drew the blanket up to her chin.

"Sweet dreams, kiddo."  I was feeling relaxed enough to drop a kiss on her forehead, and she wrinkled her nose like a joyful bunny at that before I turned and retreated from the room.

Dad had been at the door, listening, and he stepped back quickly when I opened it.  I gave him a sullen look as I slipped through and shut it behind me.

"She's going to sleep," I said wearily.  "She'll be fine."

"Arigatou," he forced himself to say.

There was a short but pregnant silence.

"I'm not going to therapy.  I don't need it."

He pressed his lips together, obviously wanting to argue the point.  But he did owe me for what I'd done for Sakura.  I gave a volcanic sneeze, and his expression softened.

"Get out of those clothes, Touya-kun.  You must be freezing.  I'll make you some soup."

I nodded silently and he turned toward the stairs.  My hand was on the bathroom door knob when he looked over his shoulder.

"You talked to someone today.  Who was it?"

"A friend."

"Who?"

"Just," I said pointedly, "a friend."  I escaped into the bathroom and shut the door firmly behind me.  My bedraggled self looked back at me from the mirror.

Was it really so obvious that I'd talked to someone?  Was he at all close to guessing?

I sneezed again and started to unbutton my shirt.  I was too tired to worry about it.  I just wanted this day to be over.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two figures, this time.  I squinted in the thick darkness of the night and tried to get a better glimpse.  One of them was definitely a female, and definitely not Mom.  Her hair was much too short, and yet she did seem familiar somehow.  I couldn't make out at all what was flying next to her.  It was too small to see, but it looked like some kind of animal.

My unease persisted until I finally woke up.  Who _was_ that?

I sniffled as I stared at the ceiling and decided I couldn't make myself care.  My nose was stuffy and I fumbled for the box of kleenex on my desk.

Except I don't keep kleenex on the desk.  Where did this come from?

I blew my nose and sat up, realizing how quiet it was.  My alarm clock wasn't ringing, and I couldn't hear Dad moving around in the kitchen downstairs.  The only sound was that eternal November rain beating against the window. 

"Ten o'clock?" I said aloud, upon examining my clock.  "You're kidding."

Dad had left a note by the kleenex, saying he'd already called the school to tell them I was sick, and that I should just take it easy.  I made a face at the thought of spending the day in bed, but to get up and go to class was out of the question.  I was exhausted, both emotionally and physically, from yesterday. 

Taking the kleenex with me, I stumbled downstairs to make a cup of hot tea.  He'd left the box out and a mug on the counter.

"Damn it, Dad," I muttered aloud to the kitchen.  "Stop being so perfect all the time.  It's annoying."

I made the tea anyway, inhaling the steam gratefully.  I felt terrible.  Of course, it was my own fault for wandering around in the rain all day yesterday like I had.  As Kaho would say, one must accept responsibility.

And strength?  What about that?  Do we have a choice about that?

I wasn't sure, and I drained the last of my tea before standing up again.  It was strange how quiet the house was.  I wasn't used to being here alone.  I padded upstairs in my tiger slippers before coming to a stop outside Dad's door.

I hadn't been in there once since we moved in, but I knew it was in there.  He would never get rid of it, and it was nowhere else in the house, so it had to be in there.  The door creaked as I pushed it open, but I went no further than the doorway.  It was right there, against the wall by the door, the faint light gleaming on its oily wooden surface.

_"Don't pout like that, Touya.  A sulky frown doesn't make anyone happy."_

_"Why did she have to come?  We were fine without her."_

_"Of course we were fine, sweetie, but now we're even better.  Don't you think it will be fun to have a baby sister?"_

_"No."_

_"But just look at her.  Isn't she cute?"  Mom made a little kissy face, and the baby squealed with delight and waved her chubby hands in the air._

_"I don't like cute."  Mom laughed at that, then took my hand and held it close to Sakura's.  The baby grasped at one of my fingers and tugged, squeezing with surprising strength._

_"Feel that?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"She's holding onto you because she trusts you.  She's going to depend on you to help her learn and grow when she's older.  Isn't it exciting that she thinks you're so strong?"_

_I shrugged nonchalantly._

_"I guess.  But it's still not the same."_

_"No, Touya, it's not the same.  It's never going to be the same.  But now things can be fun in a different sort of way."_

_I broke free of Sakura's grasp and jammed my hands in my pockets._

_"I never see you anymore.  You're always busy with the baby."_

_"Well, she's so little and helpless.  She could get hurt if I leave her alone."_

_"Hmph."_

_"Would you like to spend more time with me, Touya?  I could teach you how to do something that Sakura can't.  It would be something special, just between the two of us."_

_I was intrigued, but unwilling to commit just yet._

_"What is it?"_

_"I'll show you."  She picked up the baby and led me into the front room, putting her down in her pen before leading me to the organ in the corner._

_"Are you going to play it?"_

_"No, sweetie. You are."_

_That surprised me, and I watched her leaf through her sheet music, searching for an easy song._

_"But I don't know how."_

_"No one knows how to do anything until they learn," she pointed out.  "This is something Sakura can't do.  And your poor father definitely can't do it.  But I bet you could."_

_"Why?"  _

_"Because you are very smart and coordinated, and because I think you can.  Here, look at this.  Do you see those black dots with the long legs pointing upwards?  Those are called quarter notes, like the fractions in your math class.  Each one will add up to make one whole beat."_

_I couldn't help myself; I leaned forward to get a better look.  Math had always been my favorite, and it never occurred to me that it had anything to do with music._

_"The one without a leg?"_

_"A half note.  It's like two notes with legs combined into one."_

_"What about those hollow ones?"  _

_"That's the simplest one.  It is just one beat.  See how it's the only mark in that section?  That's because there can never be more than one whole beat in any section.  It doesn't matter how you split it up, but there can only be one.  Each section is called a measure."_

_"I get it."  I traced my fingertips along the pages, then looked down at the rows of keys in front of us.  "But how do you know which to press?"_

_"It's like a secret code," she said mysteriously, and I perked up.  "If a note is on the first line, then you press this one."  She demonstrated, and Sakura gurgled at the soft chime.  "If it's the first space, then it's this one."  She moved all the way up the scale, then sat back.  "Now you try."_

_Tentatively, I pressed each key as I recited the letters aloud._

_"Very good.  Now all you have to do is press the right key in the order the page says it, for the right length of time, and a song will come out.  It's not very easy to do right away, but we'll practice together while Daddy's at work."  She scrunched up her nose in delight, and tapped her finger on the tip of my nose.  "Won't it be fun?"_

 "It was more than fun," I murmured.  I pressed my palm against the wood.  Unlike the rest of the house, it was warm underneath my touch.  Even though I knew Dad never touched it, there wasn't a speck of dust to be seen.  "It was special.  Just the two of us."

The answering quiet of the house beckoned me, but I wasn't ready to go there, not yet.  I hadn't touched so much as a single key since her death.  How could I do it without her by my side?  It wasn't the same.

So maybe a person can refuse to be strong.  I left Dad's bedroom and retreated into mine, collapsing on the bed.  I was so tired.  All I wanted to do was rest.

- - - - - - -

When I woke up again, it was early afternoon.  I felt much better, too restless to sit inside anymore.  The weather hadn't improved any, but I pulled on some jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, grabbing my jacket and umbrella before leaving the house.  There was no rain just now, but stratus clouds pressed low overhead, dark and heavy with the potential of it.  Or sleet.  I shivered as a cold gust blew, and rubbed my arms for warmth.  Now that I was outside, I couldn't think where I needed to go.  I only knew that I needed to get away from the quiet. 

"Never thought I'd say that," I muttered, and my feet started moving.  It wasn't long before I was standing in front of my school.  As I watched, the final bell rang and students began to spill out from the doors.  No one was inclined to linger very long, upon seeing the sky, and they scattered.  After waiting for the crowd to dissipate, I made my way through the doors and down the halls.  I could feel her in the building, and her alertness to my presence.  I did not pause to wait for her but continued onward, until I was standing in the music room.

No practice today, I guess.  It had completely emptied, and there was no sign of the instructor.  I traced a finger along the top of the wooden upright piano, hauntingly similar to that instrument that I had learned on.

_I'm so tired_, I complained.  _So tired of being different, tired of being haunted.  Why did it have to be me?_

She stood in the doorway and didn't answer.

She makes things so difficult, coming around to visit, teasing me.  I thought I was supposed to try and get over her.

_Maybe she was trying to show you that it's all right to move on, even if you can see the past_, she offered.  _It's okay to remember her and smile at the same time._

To remember and smile.  It hadn't occurred to me that it was possible to do both.  I thought I had to be grieving if I was staring at her ghost.

At that moment, a tingle of excitement went through me.  A funny feeling of anticipation.  Like something was about to happen. 

I met her gaze, but she said nothing.  She was waiting.

_It's going to be hard to go back_.

She nodded, and I became aware of how I was slipping my jacket off my shoulders.  It hit the floor with a soft sigh.  A song was beginning in my mind.

Is that what this is?  Moving on?  Is this what was supposed to happen four and a half years ago?

Hesitantly I brushed my fingertips over the keys' worn surface.  They were almost humming under my touch as I slid onto the bench.  And then I could bear it no longer, but began to play.  It was so quick, the jump from utter silence to music, I couldn't help but be startled.  Music, bright and fast, filled the room around us, and I watched my hands like they belonged to someone else.  Is this really me, Kinomoto Touya, playing again?

The song was fun.  I liked it a lot.  Why did I spend four years telling myself I couldn't do this?  I'd been stuck, this whole time, stuck in a phase of mourning that I refused to escape.  I couldn't stay in that place anymore.  I had to let go.  It was time to move on.

Kaho surprised me by singing the words to the chorus.

"Carry on my wayward son," she sang sweetly, in perfect pitch.  "… don't you cry no more."

My hands came to a stop, and I realized I was breathing hard.  I had broken out into a cold sweat, and I wiped my brow with my sleeve.

That was hard.

_Yes._

_I can't believe how hard that was._

She was seating herself on the bench next to me, facing away from the piano.

But you did it.  You are strong, after all.  The strong one in the family.

She looked so happy for me, and I felt my chest swelling with pride.  I had proved it: to her, to the piano, and to me.  I was capable of coping and moving on.  If I could play the piano, I could handle seeing her ghost.  I was strong.

I was kissing her by the time that thought completed itself.  I kissed passionately, intensely, my hormones stimulated from my victory.  It didn't matter that we were no longer in the privacy of the shrine, but right in the middle of the school.  She certainly didn't care.  She pushed up to meet me in the force of the kiss, and guided my hands over her blouse.  Her lips were moving in a line along my jaw up to my ear, directing my mouth ever downwards.

I hesitated in surprise, but she didn't hold back.

_It's okay I want you to_.

I didn't wait for her to change her mind but pressed her up against the keys.  There was a harsh and discordant sound that we both ignored as I traced my tongue down her neck and began to unbutton her blouse.

- - - - - - -

It was verging on dark by the time I got back home, and the first flakes of sleet were beginning to fall.

"Onii-chan!" Sakura yipped as I kicked off my shoes.  Dad looked up from the stove.

"There you are.  I thought I told you to stay home and rest today."

"I did.  I just decided to go for a walk."  He narrowed his eyes a little as he studied my face.

I flushed a little under his gaze and wiped my mouth, even though I knew Kaho didn't wear lipstick.

"I wanted to bring you a flower," Sakura said, blithely unaware of the slight tension.  "But there aren't any right now.  So I made this for you in art class."  Proudly she displayed a crayon sketch of a bright red blossom.  "Do… you like it?"

I rewarded her with a small smile, and she beamed.

"It's beautiful.  Arigatou, Sakura."

"Are you all better now?"

"I think so, yes."  I took her drawing and ruffled her pigtails.  "I'll be able to walk to school with you tomorrow."

"Goody!"

My smile grew as I turned toward the stairs.

"I'll just go put this upstairs, Dad.  I'll be right back down."

He waited just a second longer than he should have before replying. 

"That's fine."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Wayward Son – Kansas


	9. ch9 when worlds collide

**Chapter 9**

**'when worlds collide'**

_I look at you, then you me_

_Hungry and thirsty are we_

_Holding the lion's share, holding the key, _

_Holding me back cause I'm striving to be_

_Better than you!_

The wet and cold fall turned to snowy winter, Christmas vacation came and went, and the winter trimester began in January.  There was no more talk about me going to therapy.  I was fairly sure that Dad had picked up on my improving mood, and was ready to back off.  It was easier for me, at least, since she had not returned to visit even once.  Occasionally I found myself wondering if she'd really listened to me back in November.  I rather hoped that she hadn't.  The thought of never seeing her again brought an unexpected ache to my heart.

I wasn't thinking about my mother at this moment, however.  It was one of those dry, cold days in mid-January, and the class had trooped out here to the basketball courts to enjoy the sunshine.

Instead of picking out teams, we were going against one another in individual matches.  As fate would have it, I found myself dribbling slowly at the half-court line, eyeing my opponent.  Ryu bent his knees slightly in readiness and narrowed his eyes, determined not to let me past.  Basketball wasn't the preferred sport for either of us, but it didn't matter.  It was all about the competition.

I darted around him, dribbling frantically before leaping into the air and releasing.  The ball hit the hoop but bounced off the rim and went awry.  Damn.  Ryu smirked.  I ignored him and retrieved the ball, ready to go again.

I know where the need to struggle comes from, and why I try so hard to prove myself.  But old habits die hard.  I wasn't about to back down from this one, not in a million years. 

This time I managed to slither past his guard and lined up for a shot.

"Take it!" someone shrieked from the sidelines, and Ryu was distracted.  The ball sailed through the net with barely a swish.  Kei clapped enthusiastically from the sidelines, her eyes sparkling, and Ryu fumed.  I ignored her, but couldn't resist giving a little "mm-hmm" as I walked past him.

My hormonal desire wasn't the only thing that had been developing inside of me since Kaho walked into my life.  With the practice of communicating mentally so often, my ability to sense emotions and feelings around me was growing too.  Behind me, I felt a silent explosion of his temper, and turned just in time to catch the basketball before it slammed into the back of my head.  A ripple of shocked murmurs went through the crowd, and his eyes widened slightly. 

For a brief moment I squeezed the ball between my hands in preparation for throwing it in his face.  I didn't care that we were in the middle of class; he had issued a challenge.  I had to respond. 

Then I relaxed and tossed the ball to another student in the crowd.  It was hard, it was so hard to make myself calm down and think rationally when he did things like that.  But it wasn't as hard as it once had been, and I was getting better and better about backing away from the fight.  Every brush-off only seemed to make him more furious, and this day was no exception.  He glowered before stalking over to Kei's side. 

"How did you do that?" Aki whispered, awed.  "That was so cool!"  I shrugged.

"Hunch."

"Better keep those up.  He may try to plant a knife in your back one of these days, Caesar."

I snorted.

"Don't worry.  I'm not turning my back on him anytime soon."

- - - - - - - -

I was in a rather good mood after that, and was humming under my breath as I waited in front of the elementary school.  Finally she came scurrying out, clutching her baton to her chest.  It had been my Christmas present to her, and it hadn't left her side since the day she got it.

"Finally.  What took you so long?"

"I was practicing," she said contritely.

"What, in the halls?"

"Yes.  My teacher said I can't do it in the classroom anymore."  I rolled my eyes.

"Imagine that."

"But I'm getting much better!"  She skipped ahead of me on the sidewalk and tossed it up, spinning around and then holding out her hand.  The lightweight rod smacked her neatly between the eyes, and she yelped.  I had to swallow my laughter.

"Much better," I agreed.  "Before, you couldn't even catch it with your face.  At least part of your body is making contact."

She scowled in my direction.

"Well, it's hard," she huffed.  "I'm trying my very best."

"In that case, be afraid."

"Onii-chan!"

My teasing didn't deter her in the slightest, and she continued to toss it up and attempt to catch it all the way home.  She also stood in the living room and practiced while I made dinner, neglecting her homework.

"You know you shouldn't be doing that inside."

"It's too cold out."

"Then do your homework instead."

"I can do it later.  Here, watch!"  She managed to twirl the baton in her hand, but when she attempted a pirouette, she tripped and fell forward, the baton flying right toward the center dish on the table.  I snatched it just in time.

"Sorry," she whimpered, seeing the impatient look on my face.  I knelt beside her on the floor.

"Sakura, in the book I read last summer, the older brother buys his little sister a baton after she nags him about it for months.  Then, in the midst of a tempter tantrum, he goes crazy and breaks the baton in half.  Do you want me to do that?"

"No."

"All right.  Then get started on your homework."  I rapped her sharply on the top of her head with it, which made her yelp, then stood and placed the baton on top of the fridge.

"You don't have to be such a grouch about it."  She flounced toward our backpacks and began to unzip.  She was lucky.  If I wasn't in such a good mood, I would have probably thrown the damn thing on top of the roof. 

"Onii-chan, I need white paper to draw a picture, but I don't have any.  Can I have a sheet from your backpack?"

My victory on the basketball court wasn't the only reason.  Kaho had seen the entire thing, naturally, and we found each other during study hall that afternoon.  More accurately, found each other in the supply closet.  And there she had let me celebrate by removing her blouse and –

"Can I have this one, Onii-chan?  Onii-chan?"

"Is there an assignment on the back of it?"

"No, it's just a handout.  And it's old."

"That's fine."

I opened the fridge and examined its contents until I was sure the red in my face was all gone.  I would have to be more careful and not fantasize like that when I was around others.  But I couldn't help myself.  The further she let me go, the harder it was to think about anything else while we apart.  And in the deep midwinter, she wasn't at the shrine every night to clean.  It seemed more and more difficult to get her alone these days.

"Hi, Dad!"

"Hi, sweetie."  I heard him kiss the top of her head and I straightened, backing away from the fridge.

"Hi, Touya-kun.  Did you have a good day?"

"Was all right," I said carefully neutral. 

"Anything happen?"

"Nope."

Lately our evening conversations had begun to sound more and more like interrogations, and I wondered at his renewed prying.  I had suffered no outbursts or breakdowns, been perfectly nice to Sakura, maintained near-perfect grades at school.  What was he looking for?

He studied my face just a little longer before sitting next to his daughter.

"And how was your day, Sakura-san?"

"The best!" she pipped, just like every day.  "I practiced my baton some more.  I'm going to be really good when spring classes start!"

"I'm sure you will be," he assured her.  "What are you drawing?"

"A picture of a castle for class."

"It's very pretty."

"I love castles!"  She held it up so he could see better, and he frowned thoughtfully.

"Let me see that, Sakura-san."  I was pouring drinks at the counter and didn't see him turn the paper over and read what was on the other side.  "Touya-kun, why didn't you tell me about this?"

"Tell you about what?"

"Your school is having an open night – tonight."

I choked on my drink and nearly spat it out, mentally kicking myself.  How could I have been so stupid?  I'd taken the handout from our homeroom teacher and stuffed it in my backpack, intending to throw it away as soon as possible.  That was a week ago.  Why on earth did Sakura have to find that particular piece of paper to do her homework on?

"Uh, slipped my mind."

"Don't you want me to meet your teachers?"

"It's no big deal, Dad," I said quickly.  "I mean, I know you're busy, and you know my grades are fine.  There's no reason to traipse up to the school."  I glanced at my watch.  "It's already started and everything."

He was ladling food onto his plate as he read over the invitation more thoroughly.

"Nonsense, Touya-kun.  I'm only too glad to spend the evening at your school.  It's obviously the only way I'm going to learn anything about how you spend the day."

I fretted, but there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it.  He was already working on his dinner, intent on finishing it as quickly as possible.  Defeated, I picked at mine.

What is it with him lately?  Last summer he could barely stand to share a basement with me, now he wants to go to parents' night.  What does he think he's going to find?

"What about Sakura?  If you go, who's going to watch her?"

"I can stay at home by myself!" she declared quickly, seeing an opportunity.  He hesitated, looking back and forth between me and her.

"She can come.  We won't be out that late."

She looked disappointed, but excited at the prospect of an outing.  I just slumped in my chair.  Great.  Not only was Dad coming to school, but her too.  This could only end in disaster.

- - - - - -

"Don't sulk like that, Touya-kun," he admonished as we entered the school.  Everywhere, students were leading their parents through the halls, talking excitedly.  I winced at the noise and stuffed my hands into my pockets.  Dad was smiling as he examined my schedule, clutching Sakura tightly with the other hand.  "You look miserable.  Try to cheer up."

"Hmph."

"Which way is your first class?"

"Grammar.  This way." 

Moodily I led him through the halls, hating parents' night, hating the people that came up with it and organized it, and everything that had ever led to this event's existence.  School and family are separate worlds.  Only bad things can come of bringing them together. 

"Kinomoto-san is an exceptionally bright student," my grammar teacher said diplomatically.  "But he does seem to have trouble working with the other students in the class.  I often have the feeling that he's looking right through me when I'm speaking.  His grades are very good," she added hastily, after seeing the way Dad looked over at me.  "I just don't think the classwork is challenging enough for him."

"I see."

"Kinomoto-san is the best student in my class.  His lab work is never anything less than stellar.  But in the experiments that involve teamwork, there always seems to be some friction," my chemistry teacher explained.  I rolled my eyes.

"Friction doesn't come until physics class," I muttered, and Dad turned his head.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Kinomoto here, in addition to playing right forward beautifully, is a terrific student."  The coach beamed at my dad, who smiled wanly.  "He's a natural athlete.  Are you the one he gets it from?"

"I suppose so.  I was on the track team in college."

"I knew it, I knew by looking at you that you were a runner.  It's a shame to lose him to the high school this spring; he has an amazing score record.  Does tend to get a little aggressive on the field at times."

"Mm-hmm."

"He does quite well on the multiple-choice tests that I distribute," my history teacher said thoughtfully.  "Projects seem to be a little more difficult for him.  I get the impression that he doesn't like to commit himself to long-term assignments."

"I understand.  Thank you for your time."

At the conclusion of each scathing interview, my dad uttered the exact same sentence and bowed politely.

"I'm certainly starting to see a pattern," he observed wryly in the hallway.  "Tell me, Touya-kun, do you ever even try to give your fellow students a chance?"

"Most of them are driveling morons," I said impatiently.

"What's that mean, Dad?"

"Never mind, Sakura, Touya was talking to me."

"Well, if you see a pattern, then you see a pattern.  We can go, right?"

"Hang on.  There's still two more classes to go."

And it was those two classes that I precisely wanted to avoid.

"But, Dad, we -"

"Kinomoto-san!"  My Literature teacher beamed and waved at me from her doorway, and I bit back a groan.  "Oh, I'm so glad to see you tonight.  I am honored to meet whoever's raised my star writer."

Dad looked a little taken aback.

"Your son has so much potential," my flaky Literature teacher purred, hands clasped together.  "But it's so hard to see it.  He never contributes to the discussions.  I didn't think he was getting anything out of the class until he submitted an essay for our summer reading last fall.  I can't think when I've read a more heartfelt and original piece."

"Is that so?"  He sneaked a sideways glance in my direction, and I wilted.

"Oh yes.  I had him read it aloud to the class."

Yes, she had, and I still hadn't forgiven her for it.  If I'd had any idea before I wrote that damn essay…

"Such a creative analysis of the older brother's character.  I simply loved your theory that Jem felt compelled to care for his sister after their mother's death, which accounted for his bursts of resentment.  You really got inside his head."

Dad's eyebrows had gone right up, and I stared fiercely at the floor.

"Sounds interesting," he finally said.  "I'd really like to read that sometime."

"Burned it," I muttered.

"Can't be helped, I suppose."

"Got that right."  My teacher didn't quite hear our muttered conversation, but beamed again.

"It's so nice to finally meet you," she gushed, not content with a bow but reaching forward and pumping his hand.  "You must be so proud."

"Arigatou," he said in a low voice, still looking in my direction.  "I am."

At last we managed to escape my Literature class and I stomped down the hallways, glaring at the tiles under my feet.

"There's no need to run, Touya-kun.  You don't have to be embarrassed about your feelings.  I wouldn't judge you because of something you wrote.  Why didn't you tell me?"

"Personal," I snapped.  "Okay?  Can you just leave it alone?"

"Grump-y," my sister sang.

"Quiet, monster."

"Onii-chan!"

"Please don't call your sister names."

"Please don't come to my school and try to conduct investigations on my life."

"Touya-kun, I think you're overreacting.  Do you honestly feel like you have something to hide from me in this school?"

His words were pointed, and I stopped walking to face him.

"Come on, Dad, you don't have to meet every -"

"Touya!"  I cringed at the familiar voice as Dad turned to see Kei waving flirtatiously at me.  "I'm so glad you came tonight.  That was a great play in gym class today."  She winked and placed her hands on her hips.

"Who is that?"

"Nobody."

"She seems nice."

"Seem being the operative word."

I started walking in the opposite direction from Kei in my long strides, but Dad kept pace with me easily. 

"Quit running all over the place, Touya-kun.  She's a pretty girl.  What's the problem?"

"Please don't start, Dad."

"It looks like she likes you.  Why haven't you asked her out?"

My cheeks were burning.  Is there anything more humiliating than a parent that gets involved in your lovelife?

"Dad, please don't go there." 

"You know I'd be fine with it if you went out on dates, you should go out on dates."

"See?  This is exactly what I'm talking about.  It's my life, Dad."

"It's just that you can seem so isolated sometimes, and I think maybe it might be good for you if you -"

"If I what?  Take some ditzy girl to the movies on a Saturday night like every other teenager in town?  Since when do you care about my activities?  All you want is someone to baby-sit Sakura."

"That's not true and you know it.  I told you that I want you to be happy here; I do want you to have fun."

"You don't want me to be happy, you want me to be normal."

"I think it's possible to do both," he pointed out gently.

"I can never get it right, can I?" I grouched.  "Either I'm disappearing without an explanation and abandoning my sister, or I'm too much of a hermit.  Would you make up your mind, Dad?"

"Touya-kun, I would be fine if you would just let me know where it is that you're going when you run off.  I have to be able to plan ahead for Sakura -"

He broke off as he looked around.

"Sakura?  Where is she?"

"Oh damn."  I forgot to watch my language as I realized that the little monster was no longer with us.  Somehow, she'd gotten lost in the crowd.  "How does she do that?"

"Never mind, she couldn't have gotten too far.  We'll look for her."

He didn't know Sakura like I did.  For someone with such little legs, she can disappear fast.  Sure enough, she was nowhere to be seen in the hallway, though we searched from end to end.  When we reached a split, he went left and I went right.  I was distracted, annoyed at my sister, and not thinking clearly about where we were in the school.  Or otherwise I would not have blithely sent my father down the hallway that contained my math class.

"Hey, Kinomoto!"  This time it was Aki, and he was waving cheerfully at me from the end of the hall.  "I believe I have something that belongs to you."

Sakura, on his hip, grinned and waved as well.

"Sakura, there you are.  Jeez, don't you know you're not supposed to be running off like that?"

"I didn't run off," she pouted.  "You and Dad did.  I couldn't keep up, and I got lost."

"And I found her turning cartwheels in the hallway," he chimed in.  "I thought I remembered that smile."

"Arigatou, Aki.  C'mon, Sakura, let's go find Dad."  Aki clutched at her a moment. 

"Wait just a sec, I picked her up because my parents are in there talking to our grammar teacher.  It's the cute puppy appeal.  They can't get mad as long as I have her in my arms."

She giggled, but I just groaned and plucked her from his arms.  Even class clowns, it seemed, were not immune to her charm.  My sister is disgustingly cute.  Way too cute for her own good.

"Gomen, but I kinda have to take her home.  I'll see you tomorrow.  Assuming I survive tonight."

"I know the feeling," he said dispiritedly.  "I think I'm gonna be grounded for the next month after they hear about that stunt I pulled in the chemistry lab."

"Good luck.  Ja ne." 

I hoisted Sakura up under one arm, and she shrieked playfully.

"Bye, Aki!"

"Bye, Sakura.  And don't let your big brother be too mean to you."

"Hai!"

"Just wait until you're older," I informed her.  "And you'll discover that you're not the end and all to cuteness."

"Dad says I'm cute just like Mom."

I ground my teeth a little but didn't respond.  The annoying thing was, she was absolutely right.  What if she didn't grow out of it, after all?

I stomped down the hallways looking for Dad, and froze when I saw him outside my math class, chatting with Kaho.

Damn!  The one thing I'd hoped to avoid all night!

I wouldn't get too upset, Touya.  He's only trying to understand your life.

Feeling strange about it, I hovered behind the screen of the crowd and watched her carry on a conversation simultaneously with him and me.

_I don't want him to understand my life.  Parents aren't supposed to try and understand teens' lives._

_Why so afraid?_

_Because I don't want him to get suspicious about us._

_Oh, there's no need to worry about that._  She smiled and nodded at some comment he made, then she said something that made him laugh.  _He already is._

I almost dropped Sakura on the floor.

_What?  How?  He only saw us together for a minute.  I didn't even talk to you!_

I think that's how he knew.  He's curious about me; it's why he wanted to come tonight.

I groaned slightly, and Sakura wrapped her arms around my neck.

"Are you sick, Nii-chan?"

"Not yet."

_I find this to be too weird._

_How so?_

_Because I was taking your shirt off today with my teeth, and now you're talking to my dad.  I don't like it.  This is why I don't like these events._

She answered a question that he'd asked, and he said something else.

We are both part of your life, Touya.  Inevitably, there will be a meeting. 

Eventually, I guess, worlds will collide. 

He must have said the thank you line, because he bowed and turned away.  Seeing me, he crossed the length of the hallway with a thoughtful smile on his face.

"Oh good, you found her.  I was just talking with your math teacher."

"I saw."  I kept my expression absolutely deadpan and my eyes on his face alone.

"She's very nice.  She thinks you're a wonderful student."

I nodded silently, telling myself that he didn't know, that he only suspected.  And yet suspicion was bad enough.  How on earth had he ever guessed? 

"Well, I guess that's it for the night," he sighed.  "Sakura's starting to look tired.  It's time she went home to bed."

"Find what you were looking for?"

He met my stony stare steadily, and I could see no hint of guile in those brown eyes behind the glasses. 

"I think so, yes," he said slowly.  I couldn't help it; I had to swallow.  He held my gaze a moment longer before turning to head toward the front doors.  I felt shaken, and somewhat exposed.  I could not resist looking over my shoulder for her, and she gave me an encouraging wave.  She did not seem unduly worried, and I supposed I really shouldn't be either.

But she was so precious to me… the thought of losing her made my throat constrict.  The one person that I could be happy with since Mom died, and I loved her.  I wouldn't let Dad or anyone else take her away from me. 

I shifted Sakura a little on my hip; she was practically asleep on my shoulder by now.

Ever.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm obviously going to have to be more careful.  I can't believe he actually guessed.

There are handy side benefits to being able to communicate mentally.  This way, I didn't have to worry about pulling my mouth away from her skin, but sucked gently.  She hummed with pleasure as she sat in my lap, straddling me with her long legs.

_Is it so hard to believe?_  She sounded amused.  _Did you really think he wouldn't notice your lightening mood over the past few months, the improvement of your disposition?_

I didn't realize it was so noticeable.  I guess I need to work harder at being sulky and grouchy, huh?

She giggled, though quietly. 

It's not just my behavior that's changing, I added thoughtfully.  Other stuff is happening too.  Like these dreams.

She tensed slightly.

_Dreams?  What kind of dreams?_

_Vague ones.  I keep seeing a girl – or maybe, a young woman, I don't know – flying through the night sky.  Really flying, I mean, with white wings and everything.  I thought it was Mom at first, but she doesn't have the hair.  There's a little animal flying next to her, though I can't see_ _what it is.  And last night there was another person with wings standing right in front of me, but she, or he, was shining with a silver light so bright that I couldn't see their face.  It was weird._

She said nothing for a minute, but rested her forehead against mine.

_Do they frighten you, these dreams?_

_I don't know, maybe.  Everyone's a little scared of the unknown._ 

It was difficult to concentrate on such ambiguous topics with her so close, and I ran my hands up and down her back, rubbing gently.

_What are you doing?_

_Checking for wings.  You don't have any, right?_

She laughed at that, then kissed me rather forcefully.

_No, never have.  I do hope you aren't disappointed._

_I'm fine with it_, I assured her, feeling oddly relieved.  Those dreams really were leaving me with an unsettled feeling in my stomach, but it wasn't a top worry.  There were other things to think about.

_It's you_, I continued.  _Since I met you, I've been feeling this ability growing inside me.  I'm more in tune with my surroundings.  I can feel other people's emotions around me.  It's like I can hear music for the first time in my life.  _

_How does it make you feel?_

_Strong.  Prepared. _ I bit and sucked a little harder than usual, but she did not rebuke me or pull away.  _But unfulfilled._

_Unfulfilled?_

_Because even though it's becoming easier and easier to read the people around me, there's still one who remains something of a closed book._  I pulled away and looked at her face in the dim light.  She did not seem troubled my suddenly invasive look, but cupped my face with her hand.

_What do you think you need to know?_

_Why don't you wear colors?_

She didn't answer immediately, but paused to collect her thoughts.  If I concentrated hard, I could get the barest glimmer of what was going on in there, in spite of not being invited.  She could hear my random thoughts so easily, but it took real effort to hear hers.

_There are many planes_, she finally offered.  _Visual, tactile, audible, and mental among them.  Visually, the world is already draped in a rainbow of colors.  I feel no need to add to such a dizzying array, my contribution would be marginal.  There are other ways to add color.  I attempt to do so with my actions and thoughts._

I dropped my eyes as she spoke, wondering what my mother would think of that.  She had mentioned that she loved rainbows a couple times.  And her favorite color was white.

_Does this satisfy you?_

_I think so.  _I shot her a smug grin, knowing that I couldn't hide my thoughts from her and making no attempt to do so_.  I was really just distracting you so I could get a clear glimpse of when your birthday is.  I had a feeling it was coming up._

It was virtually impossible to surprise this woman, but I think I managed it right then, and she blinked a couple of times before replying.

_You, Touya, are quite the sneaky individual._

I learned from the best.

_There's no need to do anything for my birthday, by the way.  Please forget about it._

_Not a chance._

_Mmm.  But beware.  Birthdays are a celebration of the past.  And bringing up the past can be uncomfortable._

This time it was my turn to tense, and a feeling of foreboding tingled up and down my spine.

_What are you talking about?_

_Never mind._

She shifted her position slightly, which had the effect of stimulating a fresh throbbing in my lap.  I sucked in my breath a little and started doing another algebra equation in my head.  Desperately trying to distract my body, I forgot all about her warning.  But I didn't forget the date.

February 11.  She'd be twenty-one.  Now all I had to do was get her something.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Better Than You – Metallica


	10. ch10 past unfound

**Chapter 10**

**'past unfound'**

_And I'm haunted.  _

_By the lives that I have loved, _

_and__ actions I have hated._

_I'm haunted - by the promises I made, _

_and__ others I have broken._

_I'm haunted - by the lives that rule the will,_

_inside__ my home today._

February tenth.  It was another of those dreary, not-yet-snowing days with thick heavy clouds threatening to do so at any minute.  A cold wind carried sharp flecks of moisture in the air, biting at my skin and turning my nose and ears red.

After I'd braved the weather to reach the store, and felt the blood return to my hands, I occupied myself with the selection.  It was the last Sunday before her birthday, and today was the day to get something.  I was prepared to spend the last of what I'd earned from the summer on it, but what to get?  I wrinkled my nose at my surroundings.  It was one of those 'cute' stores that Sakura would love so much, but I felt distinctly out of place.  Outside, the wind was getting stronger, and I could hear the old-fashioned wooden sign bang against the brick wall.

"We have a lovely selection of brooches."  I shook my head.

"No.  No decoration.  She doesn't do that."  The saleslady looked slightly confused, but then my eyes fell upon something on a shelf.  "There.  That's what I want."

"Our ballerina?"  Carefully she picked up the tiny wooden music box.  Balanced on one toe, a crystal ballerina turned a slow pirouette in time with Fur Elise.

"It's perfect," I murmured, lifting it to get a better look at her chiseled face.  "No color at all.  It's just right."

The light was refracting in the cut stones of her tiara, creating tiny rainbows that flashed and faded as she spun slowly.  Absentmindedly I hummed along with the song.  But the melody was disrupted by the soft chime of the bell as someone else entered the store.

"Oh my!  It's certainly cold out there, isn't it?" 

"Good evening, m'lady.  How may I help you?"

"I'm looking for a pair of pearl earrings to match this necklace.  Do you think you have anything suitable?"

"I'm sure we can find something, madam, if you'll just step this way."

I turned slightly to move toward the cash register, and found myself face-to-face with the new arrival.  The shock was so sudden and severe that I lost control over my hands, and the fragile ballerina crashed to the ground.  Shattered glass went all over my shoes and the clerk gasped, but I was beyond caring.

- - - - - - -

The house was a different world when I returned home, as the sleet began to fall in earnest.  It was warm and cheerful, and I felt alien there.  Unwelcome.  I kicked off my shoes and marched down the hall.  Sakura and Dad were cuddled together on the couch, watching some program on TV. 

"Hi, Nii-chan!" she chirped, but I didn't respond.  I could hardly hear her over my thudding heart.  Through some kind of haze, I saw myself pick up the remote and turn off the TV. 

"Touya-kun, what -"

"I met an old friend of yours today, Dad."  He looked up at me, a little confused.  My voice was cold and frosty, and I tossed the remote over my shoulder.

"Touya-kun, what do you think -"

"It's been a few years, but I'm sure you remember her."  I waited a second, and was rewarded with a flicker of fear in his eyes.  Sakura just looked bewildered.

"So-" I began, "-nom-" 

"Sakura, go upstairs," he said quickly.  He pulled her off of his lap and plunked her on the ground.

"But why -"

"Please don't argue.  Just go."  Dad's probably never spoken so briskly to her in her life, and she looked hurt and confused.  After seeing the way we were looking at each other, she bowed her head and scurried up the stairs.  I waited until I heard her door shut.

- - - - -

She looked a little confused, seeing me stare at her.

"Do I… know you?"

"I know I know you," I said slowly.  "Although I don't know how."

No one in the shop moved, even to clean up the mess at my feet.  She frowned, studying my face, trying to understand.

"Think back," I continued.  "To a funeral.  Almost five years ago now."

Comprehension was dawning in those dark blue eyes of hers, and I took a deep breath.

"You walked past me, and you hit him.  Hard, across the face.  Do you remember this?"

By the look on her face, it was clear that she did remember.  And finally, it clicked.

"You're Fujitaka's son.  Aren't you?"

I gave a tiny nod, not trusting myself to speak.  I didn't know who this woman was, but I knew she was important, somehow.  I could feel it.

"You're the child."  
"What?"

"You're the baby Fujitaka got my poor cousin pregnant with."

Cousin… I couldn't be hearing this right.

"My mother's family is all gone," I whispered.  She gave me a disdainful look.

"Is that what he told you?"

- - - - - -

"You lied," I started.  "You said she was no one.  Just someone who was confused and didn't know who she was attacking."

"Touya-kun, it was your mother's funeral, I could hardly tell you the real reason."

"She was family!" I snapped.  "You and Mom said all her family was dead or overseas.  You lied!  They're here, and they hate us.  How could you lie about that?  How could you keep that a secret?"

My father was slowly standing to face me.  He looked pale, nervous.

"I didn't see the good of bringing it up.  I certainly didn't think you would ever meet her.  Where on earth did you even run into her?"

"Never mind that," I said coldly.  "My mother's family has been here this whole time, and I didn't even know.  You lied about Mom's health, you lied about her family, you've lied about everything!"  I kicked the coffee table in frustration, and he cringed. 

And that was when it hit me that my own father was afraid of me.  I was taller than he was.  When did that happen?  I was taller, and stronger, and dangerously angry.  This was what Kaho had been talking about.  My dad feared me – and what I could learn. 

"Just for once, Dad, just for _laughs_.  Tell me the truth!"

His face was ashen, and he didn't say anything.

"This isn't the first time we've lived in this town," I started, prodding him.  "Is it?"

He shook his head.  "This is the town where I met your mother."  I inhaled, then let it slowly.  "This is where you were born."

"Unbelievable," I said softly.  He was having trouble meeting my eyes now.

"What did she say to you?"

"Lots of things."  I had the satisfaction of seeing him flinch.  "Lots of very interesting things."

- - - - - -

"I spent my whole life watching out for Nadeshiko so no one would take advantage and ruin her life – like your father did.  He dragged her down; got her pregnant!  You're the reason she had to drop out of school."

She was starting to fume now, not paying attention to my face.

"The scandal was terrible!  What kind of man marries and impregnates his own student?"

That last part caught me like a punch in the stomach.

"His own student?"

- - - - - -

"You said you met her by a tree!" I raged.  "You said she fell off a branch and crashed onto you!"

"That is what happened," he denied quickly.  "That's how we met."

"She said you were her teacher!"  He swallowed and looked away again.

"I – I was.  I had just moved to Tomoeda when we met.  I was here to serve a year as student teacher at her high school.  Yes, she was my student."

This was starting to sound familiar.  No wonder he was suspicious so quickly. 

"You married your own student," I choked.  "When she was just sixteen.  Mom never finished high school because of me!"  I took a deep breath.  "I was an _accident_."

He did not say anything, and I took a step closer.

"I was, wasn't I?  Admit it."

- - - - - -

Her gaze was a little sad and regretful as she looked me over.

"You look so little like her.  There's nothing of Nadeshiko in you."  I stiffened.  She was shaking her head now.  "A boy…  she had to drop out for a boy.  It's too bad she didn't have the girl she wanted."

I was wheezing now, and didn't bother to correct her.

- - - - - -

"You _never_ wanted me!"  I was past simple anger by this point, all the frustration and jealousy boiling over.    Years of resentment were coming to the surface.  "I was an accident.  And all either of you wanted was a girl.  I – I was a mistake!  No wonder Sakura was always your favorite.  No wonder she's all you ever think about.  You don't care anything about me!"

"That's not true -"

"Don't.  Don't even try to tell me what's true and what's not.  You don't have the _right_.  You've done nothing but lie to me from the beginning, and _I'm_ not even supposed to be here!"

- - - - - -

She slapped some cash on the counter.

"I believe this will cover your little accident.  It was interesting running into you, Kinomoto.  Had no idea he'd even come crawling back to Tomoeda.  Tell your father that Sonomi said hello."

"I'll be sure and do that," I said stiffly.

She winked and sailed through the front door.

That, and a whole lot more.

- - - - - -

"Please just listen -"

"No!  I can't take it anymore, all right?  All you've ever wanted is for me to just be like her.  You tell me so all the time!"

"I don't -"

"You do!"  I heard my voice crack and knew I was close to losing it completely.  "I don't matter at all to you; I'm just here to baby-sit the one you really wanted.  All you ever do is wish I were more like her.  Well, I'm not.  I'm the _mistake_."

Dad looked horrified, but I was too angry to care.

"Touya-kun, please don't think of yourself that way.  We did love you when you came along, we -"

"Stop."  I didn't shout, but spoke quietly and coldly.  I was testing my newfound power, and took a vicious pleasure in the way he shut up immediately.  He feared me.  "You didn't want me – anymore than her cousin wanted you.  And I'm not listening to any more of your lies."

He was silent at that, and I let the harsh truth hang in the atmosphere just a moment longer before turning around and escaping up the stairs.  Sakura's door was shut tight, and I could hear the TV that had been her Christmas present from Dad going loud.  Not bothering to keep quiet, I stomped down the hall and slammed my door shut. 

Was I angry?  Sad?  Upset?  I didn't know.  I was so confused, all this new information had come so fast and I wasn't sure what to make of it.  I hugged my arms to my chest and sank to my knees on the carpet, staring into the dark and trembling.  I had never felt so alone and unloved in my life.  I needed someone nurturing.  I needed my mommy.

"I didn't mean it," I told the cold and dark bedroom.  "I want to see you again."

But if she could hear, she wasn't responding.  I was all by myself.

_It's a scary time, after someone dies.  I was all by myself in the dark as the sun set.  The window was open to the sweet spring breeze, and Sakura's hair stirred slightly as she slept.  She'd dozed off a little while before, slightly disturbed about how strange everyone was acting today but otherwise untroubled.  Her sucking slowed, and eventually her thumb fell out of her mouth.  I had been ordered to watch her and put her to bed, and this I had done, grateful to have something to occupy my mind with.  But now she was asleep, and I sat on the carpet under the window with my knees drawn up to my chest._

_Now what?  I had taken care of my sister, and now I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't just go downstairs and watch TV.  I couldn't do homework.  I couldn't go to sleep.  My mother was dead, and I didn't know what to do._

_Finally, I couldn't take the quiet anymore and decided that I had to seek out the company of another living person.  Dad might still be mad how I'd hit and kicked him earlier, but it was a risk I had to take.  The hallway was just as dark as the room, and I crawled toward my parent's room.  I knew she was gone now, people had come and taken her away.  I could hear him talking on the phone, and I crawled to the edge of the light spilling through the doorway to listen.  Just hearing someone's voice was some kind of relief._

_"I thought you should know, that she died today.  She closed her eyes and she left here,_

_at__8:03__."  _

_He wasn't pausing for a reply, and I realized he was speaking into an answering machine.  I'd never heard my father's voice sound like this, strained and toneless.  He sounded almost as if he were speaking in a chant.  _

_"She sends her love.  She wanted you to know… that she wasn't holding a grudge,_

_And if you are, you should let it go.  Are you there?"  Who was he talking to?  "Pick up.  Pick up, please."_

_I knew I shouldn't be eavesdropping, but I couldn't make myself move.  After a while he gave up and hung up the phone, then I heard him fall back against the covers and sigh.  This was the time that I could go in, crawl into bed beside him like Sakura would.  Yet already the resentment that he had let her go too easily was beginning to assert itself in me, and the feeling that my father should have no more of me than I cared to give him.  _

_And so I remained alone, in the hallway, and in the dark._

_My mother was dead, and she wasn't coming back.  It was so hard to understand that, to internalize it.  I had seen her, seen her right here in the hallway that morning when Dad said she was dead.  She had crossed over, and now she was just another of those inexplicable things that I could 'see'.  My own mother had become an illusion. _

_I was upset and confused, and perhaps a more diligent parent might have noticed that there was more going on than typical mourning.  But Dad had no one to help plan the arrangements; no one to assist him in caring for his children.  All he had was me. "Touya, please keep an eye on Sakura.  I have to talk to this man for a little bit."_

_Too sunk into my own misery, I just stared at the ground as he walked over to a man in a suit._

_The shadows on the ground waved as the breeze rustled the branches.  It was a beautiful warm day in spring, the sky a perfect blue.  An especially strong gust caught the cherry blossoms above our heads, scattering them into the air.  They mixed with the ashes as he opened his fist and released them, and together they were whisked away from us.  Over and over I watched him do it, completely numb.  It was occurring to me that I hadn't cried once since her death.  There were plenty of Mom and Dad's friends standing around, crying.  I should be crying too.  What kind of son didn't cry at his own mother's funeral?  Was Sakura crying?  I looked down and my heart leapt into my mouth.  My sister was gone.  _

_Trying to keep quiet about it, I spun in a slow circle, but the toddler was nowhere to be seen.  I was supposed to be watching her, it was the one thing that I knew how to do.  How could I lose her on today of all days?  I couldn't let Dad know.  He'd be furious that I messed up.  Unnoticed, I backed away and slipped through the somber gathering.  It was quiet shrine, blooming with spring flowers.  It was not especially large, but I couldn't see her anywhere. Now real panic was starting to bubble up inside me.  I had promised._

_I was a small distance from the others when a woman in a black suit brushed past me.  She was walking fast, headed for the others, and something about her manner made me pause and take notice of her.  _

_There was something rather clipped about her pace, something that set her apart from the other adults there.  Looking the way she had come, I almost collapsed with relief when I saw the limo parked by the road.  The rear door had been left open, and Sakura was handing a flower to a little girl about her age seated inside the car._

_Finally.__  I hurried over, just as Sakura had persuaded the other girl to climb out of the car and join her on the grass._

_"This is my new friend," she announced happily, and the girl with long dark braids smiled._

_"That's nice," I said impatiently.  "Come on, we have to -"_

_"You let her die!"  The sharp accusation carried easily across the shrine, and my head jerked up.  The woman in black was standing in front of my dad, screaming.  His face looked absolutely white and he cringed.  After that she said several things that I couldn't hear.  Everyone in the group looked uncomfortable._

_I was watching my dad uneasily when she threw up her arms in frustration and made as if to turn away.  I was just exhaling in relief when she changed her mind and slapped him hard across his face.  I could hear the sharp crack clearly, and all the guests gasped.  He didn't do anything, just looked down as she spun on her heels to return to her car._

_Certain that she had gone crazy and was ready to attack anyone in her path, I scooped up Sakura in my arms and backed away from the limo and the other toddler.  Sakura wriggled in my arms, not wanting to be separated from the other girl, but I placed a hand over her mouth.  I was shaking with fear and confusion as I hid in the shadow of a tree.  I_ _needn't have bothered.  She didn't seem to notice anything as she picked up the girl and placed her back in the car.  I heard a broken sob and realized that she was crying too, behind her sunglasses.  I had a very clear look at her face as she straightened and then got in the car herself.  And then the limo pulled away from the curb and left us alone.  _

_I didn't move after that, but waited with Sakura in my arms for him to come find us._

_"Touya, there you are.  I told you not to run off."_

_"Who was that lady?"_

_He hesitated and looked away._

_"She was nobody, Touya.  Just someone who was confused and didn't know who I was."_

_And still he was lying.  I let him take Sakura from my arms and stuffed my hands in my suit pockets.  I didn't believe him, I was sure that he knew who she was.  But everything was so uncertain that day.  I couldn't take any more unpleasant news.  I wanted to believe him, wanted to convince myself to trust my father on at least this much.  So I pushed it out of my mind and went home with him.  And that night, I saw him bury his face in his hands at the table and my mother lean over and kiss him on the top of his head.  He couldn't see her.  Only me._

_There's something terribly lonely about being able to see someone that you miss very much, but to be the only one.  It took me a while to realize how she was preventing me from moving on and healing, but I figured it out eventually.  That's when I started to hate it._

I hummed brokenly to myself in the darkness, trying to fill the quiet.  Every detail of that day had been etched vividly into my mind.  I would never be able to erase that image of the mingled ash and petals flying away from us on the wind.  Gone, in a heartbeat. 

The blossoms had scattered, and there was no way to pick them back up again.

"I'm sorry," I tried again.  "I didn't mean it.  I don't hate you.   I want to see you again.  I – I didn't mean to push you away like your own family did."

Still no reply, and I hugged my pillow to my chest.  It was ridiculous, but I was so desperate that I think I would have even picked up Sakura in my lap if she'd been there.

"You wouldn't abandon me – would you?  The one child that can see you?  Even if I am," I swallowed, "an accident."

I waited, trembling, on the bed as the hours ticked away.  She never appeared.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I did the unthinkable the next morning.  I waited upstairs for Sakura to finish dressing before I went downstairs.  She was my safety, my shield.  As long as she was there with us, he couldn't say anything.  That morning was quiet, with him giving me miserable looks over her head as she ate.  I had no appetite, and waited listlessly by the door for her to join me.

"Aren't you going to eat anything, Onii-chan?" she asked through a mouthful of food.

"Not hungry."  I pulled on my jacket and gave her an impatient look.  "C'mon.  Let's go, already."

"Okay, okay," she huffed.  "I'm coming.  Bye, Dad!"

"Bye, Sakura-san.  Bye, T -"

I slammed the door behind me, and we walked to school in silence.

- - - - - - -

She found me in the music room during the lunch break, playing Fur Elise slowly and thoughtfully.

_It's quite beautiful._

_It's easy.  The first song she ever taught me._ 

She drifted closer, and placed her hand over the small box on the piano.

_I told you that you didn't have to._

_Trust me, I want you to have it.  You wouldn't believe what I went through to get it._

She sighed and gave a tiny smile, seating herself next to me on the bench as she opened the lid.  I paused, and when she pressed the switch to send the ballerina turning, I began to play again in time with the song.  After the last few notes trailed off, I stared into space for a minute.

"Happy birthday."

"Thank you."

"Birthdays are strange, aren't they?  An anniversary of the date you came into the world.  People generally consider it to be a happy time.  What was the day like when I came into the world, I wonder?  There's my dad, broke and serving a year as a student teacher here in Tomoeda.  There's my mom, seventeen years old and a high school dropout.  Can you imagine how difficult I must have made it for them?  How hard those first years must have been?  They obviously didn't intend to have any children, they didn't have Sakura for another seven years.  I was a mistake."

"Does that make you any less of a person?"

I examined my hands in front of me.  It did not concern them what my origins were.  I could still make a fist, play the piano, run my fingers through her red hair. 

"I wasn't just a surprise for them.  I was the wrong kid.  They wanted a girl like Sakura, a girl that would look and act just like Mom when she grew up.  It's true; I don't have anything of her in me.  I don't even really look like him.  I don't know whom I take after, and I never will.  I'll never know any of my family.  They don't want us, just like my parents didn't want me."

Frustrated, I blew my bangs out of my eyes.  My black hair, and my dark, flashing, eyes.  I don't look anything like either of my parents.  I didn't fit.

"You are every bit his child as much as your sister."

"Much to his regret, yes," I answered bitterly.  "He's always wishing I would act like her.  Do you know what it's like to be unwanted?  To never feel like you belong?"

She was silent, and I traced my finger lightly up the smooth keys.

"Why was I born?  Why am I here on this planet?  Do I have some kind of purpose besides watching my little sister?"

She took a deep breath and leaned back against the keys before replying.

"Nobody knows exactly why they're here, Touya, whether their parents were expecting them or not, whether they wanted a daughter instead or not.  Your destiny is something that will come to you when the time is right."

"I don't believe in things like destiny."

"Destiny is not concerned with that," she said with a straight face.  "It will come to you when it's time to make a choice.  And that choice will be entirely up to you.  There will be no one else that can fill your role.  It will be you alone who can act."

I wish I knew what she was talking about, but I knew I couldn't ask.  She wouldn't tell me.  But it was slightly reassuring to know that I could still make my own choices.  Maybe I was just an unwanted child, but I was still a person of independent thought.

"You want me," I whispered, "right?"

She placed a hand on my cheek and I covered it with my own, taking comfort in her touch.

"You are not unloved, Touya.  Always remember that."

She hadn't said it quite the way I wanted her to, but it was close enough.  I leaned in and kissed her.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I didn't know what to say to him.  What do you say to someone when you know you made his life more difficult, just by being born?  What do you say to someone who is looking at you and wishing you were someone else – or not there at all?

I stared at him silently over dinner, then dropped my eyes to my food when he looked up.  Three days had passed since Kaho's birthday, and neither of us had exchanged a single word.  I caught him looking at me every so often, and it was clear he didn't know what to say to me either.  Five years of living together under one roof since her death, and we were still perfect strangers.

"Run upstairs, Sakura-san, and get your bath started.  Then you can have some dessert, okay?"

My head jerked up.  What was this?  He was sending her away?

"Okay."

I pushed away from the table at the same time she did, and made for the stairs.

"Touya-kun, wait.  Please?"

"No."

"I want you to -"

"Well I don't."

"Touya-kun, please!  Give me a chance -"  He laid his hand on my shoulder and I whirled around.  He took a step back, nervous, as I snapped my fingers and pointed up the stairs.  I could tell she was still there, watching.

"Bath.  Now."  She was silent, but turned and continued up the staircase. 

"Touya-kun, if you would just listen -"

"Why should I?  My whole life you've never told me the truth.  I have no reason to believe anything you say.  Who do you think I am?  Some little kid like Sakura?"  I took a step forward and he took another step back.  "Not anymore.  You don't _ever_ get to tell me anything again."

I had the feeling that I would suddenly suffocate if I stayed in this house, and turned away from the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

"None of your business."

"It is my business," he declared, sounding like he was trying to convince himself as much as me.  "Touya-kun, wait, don't -"

"Try and stop me."

"I'll just come with you -"

"And leave Sakura alone?  Somehow, I doubt it."

"Touya-kun, I'm asking you not to walk away from me.  I'm trying to tell you something."

"And I'm pretty sure I told you that I don't want to hear it."  I opened the door and he put his hand against it, pushing it closed again.  "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

He swallowed, but held his ground.

"Where are you going?  Is it to her?  Is that who you're running off to?"  I was just going on a walk, but something in his tone goaded me on.  I was so angry, I didn't care if he knew or not.

"So what if I am?"

"This isn't the way, Touya."

"What, afraid I'm going to end up like Mom?"  I almost regretted my words once they'd been said; he looked as if I'd slapped him.

"That's not fair."

"You'll live.  Unlike her."  And with that I slammed out of the house and left the house at a run.  I didn't even feel the cold February air.  I just ran.

His light was off by the time I returned at midnight.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The next day was cold but dry, and a distant sun gave off meager warmth.  The elementary school courtyard was filled with students, but my sister was nowhere to be seen.

 "Sakura?"  I scanned the courtyard unsuccessfully, and wondered if she'd gone on ahead alone.  "Sakura?"

"Kinomoto-san?"  I turned sharply, and saw a smiling woman coming out of the school's front doors, Sakura in tow.

"Yeah?"

"I'm Sakura's teacher."  She smiled and bowed, after a second I copied her. 

"Is something wrong?"

"Well, I'm not particularly sure."  She squeezed my sister's hand and then released her.  "Sakura-san, would you like to go practice with your baton by the statue?  I just want to ask your brother some questions."

"Okay!"  Sakura skipped off blithely, and I narrowed my eyes.

"What?  Is something wrong?"  She looked down and then up again to meet my gaze.

"Kinomoto-san, your little sister is a joy to have in my class.  She's so full of energy and enthusiasm, and I adore her."

"Join the club," I muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"But lately, I've been noticing a kind of reluctance on her part.  A shyness."

"Sakura, shy?"

"Yes, it does seem strange to believe, but she's been growing more quiet lately.  I asked her what was wrong this morning and she said she's afraid to speak up because she'd get yelled at."

My eyebrows went up slightly and I glanced involuntarily at the girl practicing a few paces away.

"The behavior she's exhibiting – I've seen it before.  It happens when there's a domestic disturbance, such as parents in the middle of a divorce.  It's a little early to be making this call, but I don't have long before Sakura's in the third grade, and then I won't be able to help.  I just wanted to have an informal chat with you, see if you knew what was going on.  Is everything all right between your parents?"

I didn't answer at first, and she blushed.

"Gomen nesai, I didn't mean to pry, but -"

"No," I said shortly.  "No, everything is not all right between her parents."  She didn't say anything, and I shuffled my feet.  "It's really affecting her?"

"Yes, I think it is.  It's none of my business what the troubles are about, but you're obviously a sensible young man.  You might talk with them and remind them that no matter what the problem is, it's not worth subjecting their children to.  Someone Sakura's age is particularly sensitive to these things."

"I'll tell them."

She brightened.

"Oh thank you, Kinomoto-san.  It's a relief to talk to you.  I'm sure you can help resolve whatever problems are going on at home.  For your sister's sake."

I couldn't look her in the eyes and just muttered something before moving away.

"Come on, squirt, time to go."

"Onii-chan!  Don't call me that!"

"Make me stop."  I snatched the baton just before it was about to hit her in the face again and started walking. 

"Hey!  Give that back!"

"Go ahead and try for it."  A tentative smile grew on my face as I held it up high and watched her leap for it.  No, it wasn't her fault what happened with our parents when I was born.  No matter what my feelings were on the subject, it wasn't fair to put her in the middle. 

I still had no idea what I was going to say, but as it turned out it didn't matter.  When we got home, I found a note on the counter explaining that he'd been called away to fill in, last minute, for a colleague on an excavation in Laos. 

"Unbelievable," I said aloud.

"What?"

"Dad's gone for the next week.  We're on our own."

He ran away.  He actually left the country just to avoid me, and after lecturing me last night about running away.  He really was ashamed to look me in the eye. 

"Oh."  Her face fell, then she sent me a timid smile.  "But he'll be back in time for your birthday, right?"

I crumpled up the note and threw it in the trashcan.

"I don't know.  Would you like to rent a movie tonight, and make popcorn?"

"Really?"  She perked right up, and I grinned.  Already the atmosphere was less tense, now that he was gone, and she was relaxing. 

"Sure.  Whatever you want.  Get changed and we'll go."

"Okay!"  She raced up the stairs like a rabbit, and I glanced at the calendar.  My birthday, such as it was, was almost two weeks away.  But Laos is quite a distance. 

"Hmpf."  I strode away from the fridge and stomped up the stairs.  My birthday wasn't anything to celebrate.  I decided I didn't care if he made it back in time or not.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:

Fur Elise – Beethoven

Haunted – Poe


	11. ch11 rainbow

Chapter 11

**'rainbow in the dark'**

_Do your demons…  do they ever let you go?_

_When you try, do they hide deep inside,_

_Is it someone that you know?_

_You're just a picture; you're an image caught in time._

_We're a lie, you and I, we're words without a rhyme._

_No sign of the morning coming,_

_You've been left on your own, like a rainbow in the dark._

What would life be like if I wasn't here?  It sounds trite, I know, the plot line of a hokey old Christmas movie.  But I can't stop thinking about it.  My teenage mother wouldn't have had to drop out of school to have me.  I wouldn't have been a financial drain on my student teacher father.  And I wouldn't be a threat to him now, scaring him off to Southeast Asia.

She's talking to me now. I cock my head and frown quizzically, but I can't understand what she's saying.  Kei doesn't notice, naturally, but continues to prattle on as I stare.  This must be what it's like to not be in reality.  I'm not supposed to be here.  What's the point of it all?

"Well, bye now!"  She brushed her fingertip across my lips and flounced away.

"Whoa.  I don't think you've ever let her talk to you so long."  Aki leaned against the picnic table where she'd just been sitting and flashed a grin.  "What were you talking about?"

Confused, I licked my lips and tried to drag myself back to reality.

"I don't know."

"Uh-huh.  Well, I hate to break up the trance, but in case you haven't noticed, final exams are coming up.  There's a red alert on my grades in chemistry, and I need you in study hall, ASAP."

"You need me," I repeated vacantly.

"Urgently.  You're the only one I know that understands this junk."  I shook my head slightly.

"That's not why I'm here."

"Huh?"  
"I'm barely here."  Gingerly I felt the cold wooden edge of the table, the peeling paint, the abrasive splinters pricking at my skin. "One careless night, one mistake, and here I am.  I wasn't supposed to be here.  So why am I?"

Aki looked a little nonplussed.  "Touya?  Are you okay?"

I forced myself to take a deep breath, the cold winter air of February biting into my lungs.

"Fine."

He was fishing through his bag now, and produced a pack and a lighter.  "Smoke?"

Through glazed eyes I saw my hand reach out and take it, then I put it to my lips and leaned in. 

"This'll warm you up," he promised, as he coaxed a flame out of his rusty lighter.  "Then we can get started on my chemistry."

I've never smoked before.  I know it's not healthy.  But what does it matter?

I inhaled, then blew a light cloud of smoke into the cold.

When you were never supposed to be here in the first place, what does it matter what you do to your body?

- - - - - - -

Later that night, the phone rang, and Sakura skipped to answer it.

"I'll get it!  I'll get it!"  I didn't move from the couch where I was reviewing my notes.  "Oh, hi Dad!  I'm fine.  Yes, Onii-chan's taking care of me.  Where are you again?"  She paused for a while, screwing up her nose in concentration as he explained.  "Louse?  Where's that?  Oh… wow.  That sounds cool!  When are you coming back?  You've never been gone this long before."

I cleared my throat a little, though quietly. 

"Okay… but don't forget.  You have to.  Okay, I love you too.  Wait – don't you wanna talk to Nii-chan?  Oh, that's okay.  Bye-bye."

She hung up and bounced over to the couch.  "That was Dad."

"No kidding."

"He says he had to fill in for someone at his school who got sick, and he's in a place called Louse."

"Laos.  I know."

"He's in the jungle," she related proudly.  "He's exploring an old ruin, just like in Indiana Jones!  Anyway, he says he's going to try to be here by your birthday next week.  He's really going to try hard."

I shrugged.  "Doesn't matter.  I don't have a birthday this year."

"Huh?"

"I've explained this to you before, Sakura.  I was born on February twenty-ninth, on a Leap Year.  I only have a birthday every four years."

It was plain that she didn't understand, and there was a touch of pity in her eyes.

"How can you not have a birthday every year?  I have a birthday every year."

"One of the miracles of the Caesarian calendar," I said shortly.  "It's almost like I was never meant to have a birth-day at all."

"But you had a birthday last year.  I remember: we went out to dinner and Dad gave you your watch."

I looked at my wrist, then returned my attention to my notes.

"It was fake, Sakura.  It was just a lie."

Now she looked properly confused, but sensed that it wasn't a time to press me.  Instead she returned to coloring at the table. 

"Only one more week of classes!" she announced after a minute of silence.  "Then I get to be in the third grade and join the cheerleading club!  And you'll get to go to high school.  Aren't you excited?"

"I guess."

I bit my lip as I stared at the papers in front of me.  It was going to be strange, not being in her class anymore.  Would anything change between us?  I would miss seeing her in the day, but I doubted that it would matter much.  With the coming spring weather she would be back in the shrine at nights.  I felt a tingle of anticipation and smiled. 

No, nothing would change from being in high school.  She was the only one that understood me, and nothing was going to happen to the two of us.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Last day of February.  Final exams ended, and I made my way through the joyous throng of students in the hallway.  Everyone in my class was celebrating their move to Seijou, and I wasn't in the mood to listen to anyone's cheerful voice.  Instead I found my way to the deserted music room and ran through a few scales.

"Happy birthday."

"It's not my birthday."

"It's close enough.  He still hasn't arrived home, has he?"

I shook my head as the chords became fuller and more complicated.  I was restless, vaguely upset, and couldn't decide what song I was in the mood for.  I'd been telling myself ever since he left that I didn't care if he made it home in time or not.  So why was I feeling so irritable?

"Why do you come here?  What about the music draws you back?"

"Music is the one thing in the family that only I can do.  I know she was only trying to distract me from my elder sibling jealousy, but it's still something that she only taught me."  I paused, then pressed a few keys in a simple melody.  "She said I was smart, and that she believed in me.  It was special.  Just the two of us."

She perched on the bench next to me and crossed her legs.

"What are you so afraid of, Touya?"  
"I… guess I'm afraid to find out that my mother never really loved me.  I always knew she liked Sakura better, but I still thought that she at least loved me.  I screamed at her, you know.  I told her back in November that I never wanted to see her again.  And she hasn't come back since.  What if she thinks I hate her?"

"I'm sure she doesn't think that."

"Then why hasn't she come back?  Maybe she really doesn't care anything about me.  I was just the accident; the boy she never wanted."

"I think you presume a little much on your mother's behalf," she said pointedly, and I looked down.  "You have no cause for worry with your mother.  She knows what's in your heart.  One day she'll be back."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely.  You'll look up from the paper one morning, and there'll she be.  And she'll speak to you, and you'll smile and nod, and it will be fine."

Part of me relaxed at that.  She sounded so sure of herself.  But that didn't change everything that had happened.

"I don't think I can forgive him, though.  He's done nothing but lie."

"He's kept things from you, yes.  But can you really blame him?  You were only a child."

"No I wasn't."

"Well, he saw you as one.  And he tried to explain himself.  You refused to listen."

"Because I know it won't be the truth!  Why should I believe anything he says?"

"Touya."  Her voice was a warning one.  "Don't be guilty of the same crime.  I know your true feelings."

I flushed and cracked my knuckles.  She was right.  It wasn't just that I didn't trust him.

"And I'm scared of what he might tell me.  I hate him for lying to me, but I'm afraid to learn what actually happened.  I know I wasn't wanted, and I know he doesn't want me now.  I'm something that shouldn't exist."  I remembered my mother's occasional comment that she was fond of rainbows.  "I'm a rainbow – in the dark."

She sighed.

Why are you so determined to make yourself suffer?

I could not reply to that, and she stood.

He's here.  Go home.  And give him a chance, Touya.  You might be surprised at what you hear.

- - - - - -

Dead and brown leaves skittered across the pavement beneath our feet, caught in the grip of a cold breeze.  Overhead, gray clouds pressed low.  It was almost March, but spring still seemed eternities away.

I watched her dance and skip ahead of me as we walked home, thrilled that school was over.  Junior high and winter trimester were behind me at last, but I felt no exultation.  I had one more final test to get through.

It's been a hard winter.  I've been through a lot, discovered a lot of stuff that I would have rather not known.  Maybe I have suffered enough.  Maybe it's time to let go of this anger.

I could see the house now, ahead of us, and Sakura ran ahead.  When she entered, she would find him there, and shriek "Daddy!" joyfully before throwing herself into his arms.  And then I would enter, and we would exchange troubled looks, and Sakura would become quiet as she remembered.  And then he would give her a little present from Laos and tell her to run upstairs and change.  And then he might try to talk to me again.  I didn't want to hear it.

"Daddy!"

"Oof!  Hey, sweetie, I missed you."

"I missed you too!  Did you have fun on your trip?"

"I did.  And I learned a lot, too.  Look, I brought you something."  I leaned against the wall, still unnoticed, as he withdrew a beaded necklace and draped it over her head.

"Ooh, pretty!  I love it!"

"It looks beautiful on you."  Then he straightened and saw me, and the smile faded.

"Looks like I made it back just in time.  Happy birthday, Touya-kun."

"It's not my birthday."

"Sakura-san, why don't you go on upstairs for a while?  Touya and I need to talk."

He looked at me, as though rather expecting that I would run away again, but I didn't move.  She backed away from him and scurried upstairs.  It was just the two of us.

"I didn't ask to be sent out of the country," he ventured.  "It really was an emergency.  But I'll be honest.  I didn't put up a very big fight."

"Hmpf."

"I wasn't running away, Touya-kun.  I – I felt like this was a good time to get away and think things through.  There's a lot of things about your mother, and me, and even you that I never told you.  I didn't think it was suitable for someone your age."  He gave a little sigh and glanced up the stairs where Sakura had gone.  "But you're right.  You do take on a lot of responsibilities here in the house.  I expect you to act like an adult, so I suppose it's time to treat you like one.  I'm ready to explain myself, if you'll listen."

My heart thudded a little, but I just dropped my bag on the floor and moved across to the couch and slumped onto it.

"Talk."

I heard him exhale in relief, and he seated himself on the other end of our ninety-degree couch.  I could see him in my perpendicular vision, but didn't look up from my slippers on the edge of the coffee table. 

"I met your mother when she fell out of that tree and onto me.  That was true.  I don't think I ever mentioned that her cousin was there that day too.  She never liked me from the first day that she met me, I know it.  I was never really sure why.  She was very protective of Nadeshiko, you know, always looking out for her.  After having met her family, I could see why."

My grandparents.  What were they like?

"Your mother's parents were extremely wealthy, but even I could tell right away that they weren't happy together.  I never heard them argue, but I never heard them speak to one another either.  It was a miserable environment to grow up in, and I'll never know why she had such an abundance of good cheer.  But she did, and even though her parents despised one another and paid no attention to her, Sonomi and her grandfather took pains to watch out for her.  Her grandfather was a good man.  He opened his home to her and took her in for long periods of time, often the entire summer, so she could have some time away from them."

My great-grandfather.  Was he still alive?  What was he like?

"He did his best, but I suppose there's never really a substitute for a father.  It was only too likely that she would be attracted to an older man.  And then…"  He waved his hand helplessly.  "We met.  And it was like nothing else mattered.  Not our ages, not our student-teacher relationship, not anything.  I knew she was the one right from the very first moment.  When she announced our engagement before her junior year, everyone was furious.  Her parents wanted her with someone a little, um, wealthier, and her grandfather and Sonomi just didn't want her with anyone at all.  They thought it was a horrible mistake, and threatened that they would never speak to her again if she went through with it.  I don't know if she ever believed them or not, but she did marry me."

I could see that he was twisting his wedding ring as he spoke, gazing absentmindedly at its gold shine.

"And true to his word, her grandfather cut off all communication.  So did her parents.  She moved into my tiny apartment and continued to go to school as if there were nothing at all abnormal about coming to school holding hands with her own teacher.  I thought she would be sad about her family, but those days seemed to be her happiest.  Looking back, I think she was thrilled that she'd finally escaped her parents.  Sonomi was still speaking to her, as they were in class together, but I think she just got bitter when she realized that Nadeshiko was having a wonderful time instead of failing.  She didn't like being proved wrong, I think.  She was the first to say 'I told you so' when -"

He stopped, but it was too late.  I finished for him.

"When she got pregnant with me."

"Yes," he admitted reluctantly.  "Hard as it is for me to say now, I'm not going to hide it from you.  You were an accident.  I never intended to have a child before I'd even started my final stretch of studies.  I was… at a loss when she told me.  She'd only just turned seventeen a few months before, and had a year and half of school to go.  I – I hinted that she might give it up."

"Give me up."

"Yes.  Give you up.  I'm so glad that she wouldn't hear a word of it.  She didn't care about school or anything else.  'This child is your baby,' she would say with determination.  'Therefore I love it already.  I will have it.'  And so she dropped out of school that year, much to the scandalized delight of everyone in town.  She modeled for a maternity clothing store a little, but it was rough going.  I'd been lucky that I was even allowed to keep my job as the student teacher.  We could barely afford her doctor appointments.  And even though I loved your mother very much and wanted to support her, there were times in the middle of the night that I wished you were never conceived."

I closed my eyes briefly, but did not ask him to stop.  After a second, he picked up his story again.

"You were born late at night, right before midnight on a Leap Year Day.  She said that made you extra special, unique.  All she'd been able to talk about for months was how much fun she was going to have with her little baby girl.  But you'd never guess she was disappointed, the way she was smiling and crying after the nurse put you in her arms.  She said you were her baby, and that was enough for her.  And the first time I held you in my arms, and you tugged on my finger, I knew what she was talking about.  We both loved you very much.

"Not long after that, I finished my stint in Tomoeda, and we moved to Tokyo so I could start on my Ph.D.  I won't pretend it wasn't hard.  We were in a one-room apartment with inches to spare, and I was practically living at the library to get my thesis done.  I would have understood if she'd complained, after being raised in such luxury, but she never did.  She worked, and she took care of you.  Wouldn't hear of dropping you off in a nursery, by the way.  She always took you to every photo shoot.  You watched her model from your stroller.  That was all you had, a stroller and a crib.  There were no toys; we really couldn't afford them.  Generally you quite happy to play with socks from the dryer."

I thought I heard a slight chuckle. 

"Once you'd been born, I never regretted having you, but I will tell you the truth.  Right from the start, you scared me.  A little.  I'd never had much experience with children.  And you were so quiet.  Comparing you to the other babies I saw in the parks, I thought you must be the most serious baby in Japan.  You almost never cried, you only whimpered a little if you were hungry.  You never giggled, or cooed, even though your mother would tickle the bottoms of your feet and try to make you smile.  You just stared at the both of us like a little owl.  It seemed to me that you were born too mature for your own age.  You were starting to walk by one, talking coherently by two.  It was exciting, but a little unnerving to see you grow up so quickly.  I used to joke that we'd gotten a little prodigy, but I think both of us wished you would smile and laugh like the other children.  Do you remember the tent?"

Tent?  Something nagged at my memory, and I closed my eyes.  I had the image of zipping up my door and burrowing into my blankets.

"I think so…"

"You outgrew the crib far more quickly than we thought you would, but there was no question of being able to afford a two-bedroom house.  So we bought you a little tent to put in the corner of the living room.  It was your private space.  After you learned to read, you took a lamp in there and sat reading for hours on end.  I tried to buy you a couple toys, but you just didn't seem interested.  You were always so…"  He shrugged helplessly.  "Different.  You talked to people that weren't there, and pointed it out when there were invisible strangers sitting on our couch.  It scared us both, but I was sure it was just some kind of phase.  The product of an active mind and imagination.  And then, right before you turned five, I finished my thesis and received my Ph.D.  We bought a townhouse that spring, the three-bedroom house that you remember.  That was when we started trying again to have a baby.  She wanted a little girl so badly.  Always talking about how she would name her Sakura, and how she would be perfect for you.  'You watch,' she said.  'She'll be all smiles and giggles, and they'll balance each other perfectly.  We'll have the best children in the world.'  We thought it would be easy, considering how quickly she conceived with you in spite of the birth control, but to our surprise it took two years.  Of course I think you can remember when Sakura was born."

I nodded silently.

"It was such a relief to open that pink blanket and see a chubby, smiling face.  From the beginning, she was as opposite from you as a baby could possibly be.  She laughed and giggled and cooed, especially whenever you were near.  There were times when you were the only one that could make her smile."

I did remember that, a little.

"There's no other way to say it, but Sakura was born at the time that we'd meant to have a child.  We had a bedroom for her, and were able to buy her all kinds of baby clothes and toys, and things that you could never have. I wondered if you knew that, and if you were resentful.  You did seem jealous of the attention she got, but I knew there was an inevitable amount of sibling rivalry.  But then you threw yourself into learning to play the organ with your mother.  She was thrilled that she'd finally had her baby girl, and delighted with the way you responded to her music lessons.  She told me she'd never been so happy in her life.  It still bothered her a little, about her family.  She'd tried to contact Sonomi several times to tell her about the new baby, but Sonomi never responded.  She never got a chance to tell her about Sakura before she started to get sick."

He paused to collect himself.  I knew we were both dreading the next part.

"I know you're angry with me because we lied to you about Mom's health.  I know you'll find this difficult to believe, but you're not the only one."

I looked up sharply at that, and he nodded.

"She lied to me too, at first.  She didn't want anything to disrupt our happiness, and tried to hide it.  It was only after I started going through our bathroom trash and saw all the bloody tissues that I finally dragged her to the doctor.  He didn't hold back.  He told us right away how serious things were, but she wouldn't believe him.  I didn't want to believe him either, but I made her stay in bed more, started doing things for her.  I was angry that she'd kept it from me and let it get to this stage, and determined to make up for it by taking extra good care of her.  But there was you, sitting there and staring at us.  Always watching, so perceptive and clever.  I was afraid you'd guess, and I didn't want you to panic.  No nine year-old boy needs to be told that his mother might die.  Picture how young you were, Touya-kun.  How could I tell you the truth?  How could I subject you to that?  Especially when I was so desperate for you to look after Sakura.  There was no one else.  We were all lying to ourselves, one way or another.  None of us were expecting that day she died.  I never really thought that it would happen.  I know you didn't either."

"Mm."

"I didn't want to call Sonomi, but I had an obligation.  Her family had every right to know.  She didn't talk to me on the phone, but I left messages explaining what happened, and then the date of the service.  I certainly wasn't expecting what happened that day at the shrine.  She was convinced that I let Nadeshiko work herself to death and had neglected her.  It was impossible to argue with her right there, but her words did cut deep.  It hurt to think that if I'd been more observant, I might have noticed earlier and been able to save her.  I've been carrying that guilt around ever since, and I know I'll never leave it."

The matter-of-fact way he said it made me wince.  I knew Mom's death must have been terrible for him, but I'd never bothered to wonder if he blamed himself. 

"The pain was so bad, I just wanted to closet myself away from the world and grieve.  But I still had two children to worry about.  You'd never been openly demonstrative with Mom, but it became clear that you loved her a lot.  You became surly, aggressive, and petulant.  Even though you'd taken excellent care of Sakura for a year, you started teasing your little sister incessantly with those 'things' that you saw.  I started getting notes from your teachers about your fighting in the schools.  I didn't know what to do with you – and there was still a toddler to worry about who didn't even understand Mom was gone.  I don't know if you know this, but children who lose their mothers before the age of four can be seriously affected emotionally.  I read about it, and was worried to death that Sakura might suffer permanent damage.  That's why I spent so much time with her initially.  I just wanted to make sure she would be all right.  And I neglected you.  I couldn't help it; you were so frightening.  So full of anger, so ready to lash out.  I didn't know how to approach you.  It was just easier to spend time with Sakura.  And when Towa contacted me, I even convinced myself that moving back here might help.  This town holds a lot of cherished memories for me.  Certainly I didn't think you'd meet Sonomi.  I don't know all of what she said to you, but try to understand that she grieves too.  She just doesn't know how to express it.  What I told you at first really was the truth.  She was confused, and she really didn't know whom it was she was attacking.  I wouldn't worry about her, though – I'm sure our paths won't cross again.   

"Maybe I was foolish, thinking that Tomoeda might work for you.  But I was desperate and ready to try anything that would reach you.  Yes, Touya, I do wish you could be happy like your sister.  That's not the same as wishing you were like her.  But you seem to carry so much misery and frustration inside of you.  I don't know how to help, and I don't even know if I can.  But for your sake, and mine and Sakura's too, I hope that you're able to rid yourself of it one day.  It does no good to Mom or yourself.  And while you're in this state, you might make some unhealthy decisions."

I bristled and gave him a warning look, but he wasn't accusing.

"I'm not going to say anything.  I'll understand after all this if you never want to listen to me again.  But trust me when I say that I want nothing but the best for you.  I ask you to act like an adult for Sakura's sake, because she looks up to you so much.  So I will trust you to make your own choices.  Just think hard before you do anything rash.  You're smart, Touya, I know it.  Think very, very hard."

- - - - - - - -

I was thinking, as I sprawled across my bed and stared up at the ceiling.  Thinking hard.

Fifteen years, since I arrived so unexpectedly in my parents' lives.  I had not been the easiest child to raise.  I've always been different.  I move to a different beat from the rest of the world, and there's nothing I can do about that.  But I could forgive my father for keeping things from me.  He did have his reasons.

And I could stop obsessing about whether they'd planned for me or not.  It didn't matter anymore.  I knew my father only wanted me to be happy, and there didn't seem much point in torturing myself just to spite him.  He'd suffered from her death too, after all. 

In that instant, I felt a kind of weight lift off my chest.  I'd made peace with both of my parents.  I had truly graduated from junior high.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

But there wasn't a chance I was going to heed his warnings about Kaho.  On the first evening of March and spring vacation, I pressed her against the bark of the massive cherry tree and kissed her intensely.  It was still quite cold at dusk, but neither of us felt it as we sank to the grass and I covered her body with mine. 

_Congratulations_, she murmured while sucking gently on my tongue. 

"Mm," I replied, intent on moving my kisses down her neck and under her blouse.  After I'd finished pulling it up, she placed her hands over mine and guided them still further down.  I looked up in surprise; she'd never allowed me to move past her waistline.    But she just smiled as she directed my fingers to the zipper.

Happy birthday.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Rainbow in the Dark - Dio


	12. ch12 different drum

**Chapter 12**

**'different drum'**

_On a cloud of sound I drift in the night, _

_Every place she goes is right. _

_Flies far, flies near, _

_to the stars away from here._

_Well, you don't know what _

_we can find. _

_Why don't you come with me, little girl, _

_on a magic carpet ride?_

I left Sakura practicing with her baton on the side of the field and crossed over to where the rest of the boys were waiting.  School didn't begin for another couple of weeks, but all those angling for a spot in the junior varsity soccer team at Seijou were here to try out.  The high school field was a lot nicer than the junior high one, with larger and fancier bleachers.  The players' benches were nicer too.  I watched as Ryu put his hands against the shoulders of a thin boy that I vaguely recognized, and push.  His victim toppled right over that bench, his feet flying up in the air.  The others gathered around gave a snicker.

"…think you can waltz up and try to play with us?" he was saying as I drew closer.  "Get out of here, fag, go home."

"Is there a problem here?" I inquired icily.  Startled, everyone looked my way, and most of the guys shuffled and looked away.  Ryu glowered in my direction.

"This don't concern you, Kinomoto.  Back off."

"It concerns me when you start pushing around my future teammates.  He won't be much help in the game if you start cracking his skull now, you know."

The boy on the ground stood warily, momentarily grateful for my intervention.  But he looked humiliated at Ryu's next words.

"We don't need him in the game," he scoffed.  "Fag-boy here left the team when he turned gay last year.  Now he thinks he can try out again here.  As if any of us want to be playing with that."

"Right," I drawled.  "He 'left' the team.  Don't suppose you had anything to do with that."

"What do you care, Kinomoto?  Want to get in his pants?"

There were a couple more snickers in our audience, but I paid no attention.  It wasn't that I cared about this particular kid, or his sexuality.  It was just that I'd be damned if I let Ryu throw his weight around on this team.

"Not at all, Ryu.  I'm perfectly comfortable with my sexuality.  Unlike, apparently, you."  There were a few jeers from the other guys, and I gave him a relaxed smile.  His face was starting to turn red again, and I left my hands out of my pockets but unclenched.  "What's the matter, Kei not giving it up as much as she's rumored to?"

I heard a few snorts of laughter from the watchers before he swung at me and I ducked.  It was easy as anything to turn the crowd against him, which had been my primary goal.

"Not again," he grunted.  "Stand still and fight, damn it!  Can't you take a punch?"

Again I evaded one of his wild strikes, mindful of the fact that Sakura could see, if not hear, everything that was going on.

"Absolutely, Ryu.  But I don't have to fight you to prove that I'm better than you."  I could feel the surprise from the group, and felt a touch of pride at the words.  I'd come a long way this past year.  He just snarled and leapt at me again, but I darted to the side and held out my foot.  He tripped and went sprawling in the muddy grass, and everyone laughed.  I backed away and nodded to the kid he'd been harassing, who smiled bashfully. 

It is a curious truth of human nature that while individuals are set in their ways and difficult to persuade, crowds are quite fickle and easily distracted.  With Ryu taken down, none of them were much inclined to bother 'the fag', especially since I'd made it clear that I wouldn't tolerate it.  Maybe they still didn't know if I was the strongest, but they regarded me with a healthy respect.  At the very least, he'd be able to try out.

"All right, all right," puffed an older man, making his way to the bench.  "Whatever it is, break it up.  Don't care, don't want to know, don't want anybody injured before I have a chance to work you to death on the field.  I assume you losers are here to try out for the Seijou JV team.  If you're here for an offense position, sit over there; defense, over there.  Today, kids.  Let's move!"

Well, the coach seemed like a no-nonsense type, at least.  I took a seat on the bench not too far from a darkly glaring and rather muddy Ryu.  How very amusing, that he called my hetero status into question.  I smiled, indulging my memory as I recalled my tryst with Kaho the evening before.  Going down on her had proved to be the headiest experience yet, taking me to a new height of pleasure even as it left my body aching to go further.  It had certainly taken me a while, but I was beginning to notice the pattern.  Every time I made some kind of emotional breakthrough, she let me go a step further.  That was part disturbing, part exciting.  Disturbing in that she was using my hormones as an incentive to overcome life's problems, and exciting in that one day she might allow me to lose my virginity to her.  Although what might lie between now and that distant day, I couldn't guess.  I had conquered my urge to fight, and resolved my differences with both parents, dead and alive.  What could possibly be left?

"You.  What's your name?"

"Kinomoto, sir."

"Position?"

"Right forward, sir."

"Get yourself out on that field already then.  Let's see what you rejects have got."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"New building," Aki announced dismally when he found me in the hallways.  "Same old gulag."

"Mm."

"How was spring break?  Have a good time?"

"It was all right."

"At least we didn't have homework this time around.  Jeez, and speaking of classwork, what do you think of that corpse of a geometry teacher that we have?  God, I'm going to miss Mizuki."  He sighed and ran his fingers through his scruffy hair.  "Talk about gorgeous."

I said nothing, but allowed myself a tiny smile. 

"Ah, hello," said a new voice shyly.  Ryu's would-be victim had fallen in alongside, and smiled timidly, as if expecting to be told to get lost. 

"Hey," I said casually.  "Nice catch the other day.  Congrats."

"Arigatou.  Sorry that I stopped your shot, but I had to give it my all."

"Not a problem."  I'd made starting right forward, and that was all that mattered.  "I never would have thought you were the goalie type."

He was quite thin, but fast enough that it didn't matter.  Hardly a single shot had made it past him through all the tryouts.  He was obviously a valuable addition to the team, and Ryu was having trouble stirring up opposition to him.

"Yeah, well, thank my older brothers for tormenting me when I was a kid.  I learned to catch missiles headed my way when I was pretty young.  Ah… Kinomoto, I just wanted to thank you for what you did that day."

"-t's no big deal.  Tsujitane, right?"

"Hai.  And it is a big deal, at least to me.  I love soccer, and if you hadn't shown when you did, they would have never even given me a chance.  Thanks."

I just shrugged as we left the high school building and made our way down the front steps.  Almost a full year had gone by since my arrival in Tomoeda, and now the cherry trees were blooming again, waving their pink blossoms against the blue spring sky. 

"That's Kinomoto, all right," Aki agreed cheerfully.  "Everyone's knight in shining armor.  He's really a softie, behind the dark glares and the -"

"Shut it, Aki."

"Right."  He flashed another grin as he started rooting through his backpack.  "Want one?"  He produced a dog-eared pack of cigarettes and his favorite lighter.  For a moment I was tempted.  The few that I'd indulged myself with back in February had been relaxing, but I no longer needed them.  I hadn't even considered it over spring vacation.  And besides, with the season starting up again, I was in training.

"No thanks."

"Suit yourself."  He lit one and inhaled gratefully before blowing a cloud of smoke in my face.  "Well, it's the first day of ninth grade, and naturally we already have a ton of homework to do. I'm gonna go home, ignore it, and watch TV instead.  See you later."

"Bye."  I punched Tsujitane lightly on the arm.  "And hey.  Don't let anybody smack you around because you're different.  Ne?"

He nodded.

"Hai."  I turned to go pick up Sakura, and caught sight of Ryu glaring from the front steps of the school.  I smirked before turning my back and leaving.  I was in a good mood.  Spring was here, the warm weather and prospect of soccer matches returning, and once again I'd managed to trounce Ryu without throwing a single punch.  I was starting to think he'd never be able to provoke me again.

"Oniiiii-chan!"  She pounced on me, provoking a grunt of pain, then started jumping up and down.  "Third grade is so neat!  I love it!  And I signed up to join the cheerleading club!  I'll get my new uniform this Friday!  Isn't that great?  Isn't that great?"

"I've asked you a thousand times to not do that," I remonstrated, prying her off of me.  "Especially in public!"

"But -"

"Yes, yes, I'm very happy for you.  Now please let me breathe.  Jeez, you're an absolute monster."

And for that she connected her foot to my shin, making me groan again.  For such a little thing, she's got a pretty strong kick.

"Don't call me that!"

"I will call you whatever I want.  Come on."  I pushed her slightly ahead of me, so she wouldn't be tempted to try and hold my hand, and we made for home.  She was in rapture, holding out her arms above her head and twirling under the flying petals.

"Come on, slowpoke," she chided.  "I wanna get home!"

I had nothing to look forward to but a pile of homework, but she had a much better prize in store.  Her recently acquired birthday present from Dad, that she'd been practicing with every day.  Frankly, I thought it was a miracle that she hadn't injured herself yet, but didn't say a thing as she dumped her bag on the porch and began to pull on her new rollerblades.

"I'm gonna go practice some more while it's still light!  I'm getting so much better!  I can almost stop all on my own!"

"Almost, huh?  Be sure and wear those safety pads."

"I will!  Ja ne!"  She shot out of our driveway at a dangerous speed, and I frowned momentarily before entering the house.  While it was all well and good that her new blades were keeping her occupied and away from me, did Dad have to get her something so potentially lethal?  I knew far better than he how klutzy she could get, despite all the lessons in gymnastics. 

I shrugged off my concern as I started to unbutton my new high school shirt upstairs.  The weather was becoming nicer and nicer each day, and that meant I could look forward to the evenings once more.

- - - - - -

After I'd finished, I wiped my mouth and sat back up to hold her in my arms.  We were leaning, relaxed in the grass, against the trunk of an out-of-the-way tree and watching the cherry blossoms fly around in the night sky.  The main tree, our tree, was especially abloom and bursting with flowers.  A tiny sigh escaped her lips as she gazed up at it, and I kissed her gently on her cheek.

"How was your first day of high school?"

"Okay."  I shrugged.  "Won't be any challenge. I can tell already.  Same mindless homework, same sheep students flocking in the halls, same drone teachers – well, almost the same.  I do miss you."

She smiled.

"It feels strange not being in your class anymore.  Nothing's going to change between us because of that, right?"

She gave a short laugh and entwined her fingers with mine.

"Nothing's going to change just because you're in high school now."  A tiny bit of emphasis on the 'just because' made me frown, but before I could say anything she spoke up again.  "And it's hardly accurate to categorize your fellow students as sheep, I think.  You made a new friend today."

"Not really.  He's just the goalie on our team.  It was a chance to take Ryu down a notch, that's all."

"Maybe, but you reached out and helped him anyway, at some personal risk to yourself.  Perhaps it was because you cared?"

"Ridiculous," I scoffed.  "I barely know him.  I don't care at all."

"Mm.  It's not very easy for you, is it?"

"What?"

"To reach out and connect with others."

"To borrow a popular teenage expression, 'duh.'  I'm different than all the others at that school.  Always have been.  You know my own parents were frightened of me when I was just a baby?  I've always marched to the beat of a different drum."

"It's true you're not like the rest of them.  Neither of us are.  But that's never a reason to disdain them completely.  Isn't it lonely?"

"How could I be lonely when I've got you?"  I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it lightly.  "Why should I care about anyone else?"

She was disturbingly silent at that, and rested her head against my shoulder. 

"I mean, you'll always be with me, right?"

"I will always love you, Touya," she said firmly and without a trace of hesitation.  But she hadn't really answered my question.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The warm weather waxed and the cherry blossoms waned as spring went by.  Classes at Seijou were slightly more difficult, and the coach of our soccer team very demanding.  I fell into the pattern of studying and training as the season progressed.  It was hard work but I enjoyed it, draining off my excess energy at practice and our weekly games.  Fresh green leaves had begun to replace the pink petals on the cherry trees by the time Sakura had her first chance to perform.

The sunlight sparkled on the silver batons as they went flying into the air, and then the girls held out their hands to catch them.  Miraculously, Sakura caught it perfectly, and she spun in sync with the others.  True to my word, I was here to watch, even though I felt conspicuously out of place with the crowd of adoring parents.  Dad was held up at work, naturally.

"Stupid camera," I muttered.  "How can the damn batteries be out at a time like this?"  I rapped it sharply, as if that would help.

"It's all right," said someone else, and I noticed one of her little friends standing next to me, studiously tracking Sakura with her camcorder.  I was seated on the grass, but she was so short that we were almost level with each other.  Whoops.  I hadn't meant to swear in front of her, but she didn't seem to care.  "You can have a copy of this."

"You're pretty young to be toting a camera around.  Are your parents okay with that?"

She turned slightly to smile in my direction, without disturbing the camera.

"My mom says it's good to encourage my hobbies.  It was my Christmas present."

"You've got a pretty nice mom."

"I know."  She sighed as she returned her attention to the cheerleaders.  "Doesn't Sakura-chan look cute out there?  You're so lucky that you get to take care of her."

Yep, there was definitely something screwy with this girl.

"I don't have a choice, you know.  I have to baby-sit."

She said nothing at that, but darted another knowing smile in my direction.  And for some reason, the eyes of this third-grader left me seriously disconcerted.  Almost guilty.  Hastily I returned my gaze to the girls dancing in front us.  The batons were down now, and Sakura executed a back flip with the other girls.  She was using the moves I'd taught her, eyes sparkling with excitement and a smile that outshone all the others'.  It was plain to see she was in her element.

Maybe I'd accepted that Mom and Dad meant to have a daughter like her, while they'd never expected someone like me.  But that didn't mean I didn't feel the burn in my chest while I watched her at stuff like this.  She was eternally carefree and always surrounded by friends, things that I would never be.  Even after everything I'd been through, it was still hard not to resent her.  She made things so difficult.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Impossible," Aki muttered, scanning the assignment as we left grammar class.  "I'll never be able to get all this done over the weekend!  Does she think we're machines?"

"Don't exaggerate.  It's not that bad."

"Hmpf."  He blew his bangs out of his eyes in irritation.  "The old crone probably doesn't even care about the spring dance tonight.  How about you, Kinomoto?  Gonna go?"

I gave him a withering look, and he raised his hands in surrender.

"Right, right, stupid question.  Just thought I'd ask.  It's tonight in the gym, in case you're interested."

"I'm not."

"Your loss."  I stopped by my locker, and he turned around and walked backwards to address me.  "But you could give it a shot, if you don't have anything better to do.  It's not like it'd kill you."

"And there's the rub," I answered easily, twirling my combination.  "Literally.  I do have something better to do."

He cocked his head quizzically, but I only smiled before turning my attention to my books.  I wouldn't be explaining anytime soon, but I wasn't about to give up my evening with her for anything.

- - - - - - -

"Say what?"  I gaped at her in astonishment, but her brown eyes were untroubled as she smiled sweetly in the glow of late afternoon sunlight.  "What do you mean, not tonight?"

At Seijou, the JV team played on Friday nights, and the varsity team played on Saturdays.  All JV players were required to attend.  I'd already picked up Sakura, and she was in the bleachers studying the cheerleaders as the game began.  It hadn't been long before I spotted Kaho watching me from the ground, and went to join her. 

"I mean, I have other obligations."

"Like what?"

"Your dance tonight."

"My dance?  That's not 'my dance.'  What are you talking about?"

"A teacher had to cancel at the last moment, and they were desperate.  They had to call the junior high to find a replacement, and I volunteered.  I'll be chaperoning."

"Chaperoning?" I spluttered.  "That pathetic excuse for a social event?  Why on earth would you volunteer to spend an evening with that group?"

"That group is made up of your peers, Touya.  I should have thought you might be happy to spend an evening with them for once.  Don't you think it might be fun?"

I raked my fingers through my hair as the crowd above us erupted in cheers.  Our team must have scored, but I was too distracted to care.

"I don't believe this.  First Dad, now you.  I thought _you_ understood me.  You know that I don't fit in with them."  I waved a hand in the direction of my classmates with a disparaging air.  "I'll never be normal like my sister."

She'd crossed her arms, but I thought I saw her try to smother a giggle.

"Did I say something funny?"

"Not at all, Touya.  I know you're different.  You were born with abilities that set you apart.  But it's unhealthy to closet yourself away from your fellow human beings.  You might miss out of something interesting that way."

"Not likely."

"I'm different from others too.  And I'm going."

"I can't believe you're abandoning me like this!"

"I'm not abandoning you.  I'm offering you a choice.  But you're the one that needs to make it."  She gave me one last enigmatic smile before turning on her heels and leaving for the junior high parking lot. 

"You can't do this to me," I called out to her retreating form.  "You can't manipulate me into this."

She did not turn or reply, and I gave a disgusted groan before returning to my place in the bleachers.  How could she, of all people, be pressing me into something like this?  Just when you think you know a person…

"There you are!"  Sakura bounced a little when I sat back down.  "We scored a goal!  And I jumped up and did a cheer!  You missed it!"

"Thank goodness for small favors," I muttered too low for her to hear.  I was feeling irritable and grouchy, and completely unable to focus on the game after that.  I sulked all the way through it, and walking home, and through dinner.  When Sakura went to go take her bath and Dad pulled out some papers to grade, I retreated to my bedroom and threw myself on the bed.

Who does she think she is?  I scowled at my ceiling.  She's always controlling everything in our relationship.  Always dropping those mysterious hints, always holding things back and keeping secrets.  Now she thinks she can make me do the one thing I dread more than anything – interact with my fellow students.  I'll have conversations with the dead people in our house, but I won't do _that_, thank you very much.  Maybe I have people I talk with in the halls, Aki, my teammates and so on, but that's just because I'm there.  To go spend time with them voluntarily?  Yeah, right.  So why am I still dwelling on it?  Why aren't I flipping on my stereo and getting to work on my homework like I should be?

I can do it tomorrow.  I don't feel like working on grammar or math tonight.  But then what am I going to do?  I feel restless. 

I rolled over onto my side and glared at the fading light outside my window.  I never went out on the weekends, I had always been perfectly content to come straight home and then visit the shrine later.  Hanging out with the people my age had never been appealing.  I had nothing in common with them.

Or did I?  Maybe I wasn't gay, but I had something in common with our goalie.  I knew what it was like to be different, and to not be accepted.  And like Aki, I was impatient with the rigid guidelines of our teachers and annoyed by the abundance of rules. 

Maybe I saw 'things' that most people would never understand, but I guess everyone knows what it's like not to fit in exactly. 

"What is it you want?" I muttered into my pillow.  "You sought me out because I was different, now you want me to be normal?  I don't want to be normal."

But then, she hadn't said she wanted me to be normal.  She only said she wanted me to have fun.  Would it kill me to have fun, for once? 

- - - - - - -

"Bye, Dad," I said briskly, striding through the kitchen.  His back was turned as he pored over his papers at the table.  "Don't wait up.  I'm going to the spring dance."

"Very funny, Touya-kun," I heard him murmur before pulling on my shoes and leaving the house.  The May evening air was warm and inviting, and I set a leisurely pace for my school.  No doubt it had begun some while before, but there was no hurry. 

Things were in full swing as I entered the doors, and for a moment I almost turned around and bolted.  Everywhere, people were smiling and laughing, gathered in small groups around the floor or dancing.  This was not at all my element, and I took a step back. 

"My eyes must be deceiving me.  Kinomoto never mentioned he had a twin brother!"  Aki, his arm draped around some girl, was staring at me in utter astonishment.

"Please don't start, Aki.  I don't know why I'm here either."

"Well, it's very nice to have you here," he said in a courtly manner.  "Even if it will cause several heart attacks.  Looking dapper, by the way."

"Ha, ha."  As a concession to the idea of a dance, I was in black jeans instead of blue, and wearing doc martens in place of my sneakers.  But the docs were unlaced and I hadn't bothered to wear a tie or jacket, leaving the top few buttons of my white shirt undone.  That didn't seem to affect his girlfriend any as she stared at me adoringly.

"Yoko?  Hello?"  Aki had to clear his throat a little before she turned her head to look at him.  "Ahem.  I see that I need to get you away from the tall, dark and handsome one before I find myself suddenly single for the evening.  Ja ne, Kinomoto."  And with that he steered his date firmly away.

"But wait, I -"  My shoulders slumped a little as he departed, leaving me alone once more.  Feeling vulnerable, I stuffed my hands in my pockets and leaned against the wall.  It was a while before I felt her gaze, but when I did I looked up.  She was some ways away from me, almost hidden in the dim light and the crowd, but simply beaming.

_See?_ I muttered defensively.  _I'm not afraid to come.  I'm not afraid of anything._

_I never said you were._

_But if you think I'm going to have fun, you're out of your mind.  This is so not my scene._

_Since you've never come before, how would you know?_

_I just do._

_Perhaps you'll make it your scene._

One of the other teachers approached her at that moment, and she turned to speak to him.  I hmpfed a little, and muttered "yeah, right" under my breath.  This caused someone standing next to me to give me an odd look, and I blushed.  I'd grown so used to our silent conversations that I sometimes forgot about my surroundings, and I quickly escaped to another part of the gym.  The last thing I needed was to be seen talking to myself.

Loud and irritating pop music grated my ears as I leaned over and fished a bottle of coke from the ice bucket.  Maybe if the music wasn't so bad… and if I could dance with her instead of being forced to maintain the distance between us… maybe then this wouldn't be so awful.  What on earth was I supposed to do with myself?

"Imagine seeing you here," someone purred, and I almost choked on my first sip.  Kei, looking voluptuous in a low-cut scarlet minidress, posed in front of me and smiled.  "I didn't think you were the type to come to these events."

"And you were right."  I turned to escape before she could start pawing me, but there was a knot of people blocking my way.  I was trapped between her and the wall.  "Where's the master of chivalry tonight?"

She looked a little surprised that I'd asked, then she shrugged.

"Out back sneaking sips from a flask with his friends."

"Not much for dancing?" I asked sarcastically, and she gave a short laugh.

"Ryu Migake, dancing?  Not likely."

It crossed my mind that for all her looks and supposed popularity, she was alone in the crowd too.  Something from my thoughts earlier in the evening nagged at me, and I leaned against the wall.

"Where's Daddy?"

"Huh?"  She looked startled, but I just gave her a calculating look before taking another gulp from my drink.  Maybe it was just because I had nowhere else to go and no one else to really talk to, but something compelled me to stay. 

"Look at you, Kei."  I'd never addressed her by her name before, and she stared at me.  "You're all dressed up and ready to have fun, but you're sitting on the sidelines with the rest of the outcasts in this school.  He's your date and he's not even with you.  I almost never see you with Ryu; he completely ignores you at school.  He abuses you, and you seem to like it.  Clearly you're used to it.  So I'll ask again: where's Daddy?"

"Uh…"  She looked a little nonplussed, and I was surprised at my own words as well.  I couldn't think why I was starting this, but I'd come this far already.  "He left my mom a few years ago.  How did you know to ask?"

I shrugged.  I was thinking about how I'd been attracted to an older woman, with my mother gone from this world.  Seeking to replace a parent.  Maybe I had even more in common with my peers than I'd thought. 

"Just had a feeling.  Just because your dad ran out on you doesn't mean you have to date jerks like Ryu, you know."

"But… he loves me."

"Sure.  That's why you spend all your time flirting with every other guy in the school?  You must have figured out that's the only way to get any attention from him."  She hugged her arms to her chest, clearly feeling exposed.  I knew I was on the right track.  "He treats you like absolute crap, Kei.  And so do I.  But you can't seem to get enough of either of us.  Why don't you try being with someone that actually appreciates you?  Likes to talk to you, maybe?"

"There's no one like that," she said softly, as I took another sip. 

"That's not true.  And even if it was, forget about having a boyfriend then.  You should try being single for once.  It's not so bad as you might think."

"I don't think so," she scorned, though there was a flicker of hesitation in her eyes.  "You're nothing unless you have a boyfriend.  You're just… nothing."

"Does it bother you that much what everybody thinks?"

"Well, no – I don't know."

"It's not so hard to do things out of the ordinary.  I managed to drag myself here tonight, didn't I?"  She eyed me uncertainly, obviously unsure of what was happening here.  She'd no doubt only been expecting to be rejected again when she approached me.  Neither of us had expected this conversation, but it felt right to be talking like this.

"Why are you here?  Why are you doing this?" 

The current song ended, and unbelievably enough, a decent song started playing.  I chuckled to myself as I leaned my head back against the wall.  Had our mysterious chaperone had a hand in that?  How did she know so much?

"I was dared to," I answered cryptically.  "And am finding out that it wasn't quite so bad as I'd thought it'd be.  Fun, even."  My body didn't seem to belong to me anymore, as I reached forward and tapped her lightly on her nose.  "Welcome to doing things that the world doesn't expect you to do.  Shall we?"

"Shall we what?"

But her hand was already in mine, as I gently tugged her through the crowd and onto the floor.  The music was strong and lively, inviting me to join in, even though I'd never danced before.  It really wasn't any harder than playing it though, just a matter of finding the beat and falling into it.  It wasn't so bad to be in a place like this, after all.  Even if I did prefer the beat of a different drum.  I put my arm around her waist and bent her over backwards, then guided her upright again.

"Let's get one thing straight," I said firmly.  "I'm in a relationship.  I love her, and I'm not leaving her."  There was a flash of surprise and curiosity in her dark eyes, but I knew she wouldn't ask who.  "There's never going to be anything between us.  But that doesn't mean you need to waste anymore of your life with a jackass like Ryu.  Dump him.  You deserve better."

I picked her up easily around her waist and whirled around, then set her down on her feet and pulled her close.  Everyone around us clapped and cheered.  And I grinned.  I was having fun.  Who would have thought it?

The song didn't last all that long.  But I think I gave Kei the best time in her life.  She'd never looked so happy. 

- - - - - - -

I escaped the gym a short while later and leaned against the brick wall behind me to gaze up at the moon.  Three-quarter tonight.  Something was coming; things were still growing… developing.  Dreamily I watched it, letting my eyes swim out of focus until it was a silver blur in my vision.  There was something there…

After a minute or so I realized she was standing a little ways away.

"Did you want something?"

"I didn't want to interrupt you."  She glanced up at the moon and then back at me with an enigmatic look in her eyes.  "It was quite beautiful, what you did back there."

"Not even a little jealous?"  She giggled.

"Not a bit.  I thought it was sweet.  Who knew that you could be sweet?"

"Certainly not me."  I leaned my head back against the rough surface of the bricks.  "But naturally you did.  You brought me here tonight to do that."

"Maybe."  She was closer now, though I hadn't seen her take any steps. 

"You can't keep doing this, you know," I said irritably.  "It's starting to wear on my nerves."

"Mm-hmm."

"I mean, you always know everything, and I don't know anything.  You're always in control.  You think you can just manipulate me into these -"

Her lips were on my ear now, gently sucking at my lobe.

"Uh, these bizarre therapy sessions.  It's not fair."  Her mouth was moving down my neck, and I had to swallow a moan of pleasure.  "You keep secrets, I know it.  You hold stuff back from me, and if we're going to have a relationship -"

She bit and sucked a little harder than usual, and this time I couldn't quite keep the moan inside.  A detached corner of my mind struggled to keep the argument going as her fingers started unbuttoning my shirt.

"If – if we're going to have an honest relationship, you can't keep…  You can't…"

For the first time ever, her hand slid under the waistline of my jeans, and she pulled at the single button.

"Shall we?" she whispered, and I nodded frantically.  After the longest unzipping of my life, she lowered herself to her knees before me.  Her lips were so soft, and I quivered with anticipation. 

My eyes were closed now, fists clenched, and through the pounding in my ears I heard her voice murmur softly.

"You were saying something?"

"Huh?  No…"

"You want me to?"

"Please.  Yes… please."

She began.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oh – my – god," Aki began, when he found me in the halls on Monday morning.  He'd appeared out of nowhere, practically throwing himself in my path and gripping my jacket lapels like a madman.  "What the hell happened to you on Saturday night, Kinomoto?  Possessed?  Insane?  Come on, tell me what's wrong with you?"

Of course, there was nothing wrong with me.  The world was unbelievably, perfectly right, and I just smiled blissfully at him.

"You're sick, aren't you?  Some kind of terminal disease or something?"

That brought up some unpleasant memories, and I shook my head.

"No, I'm not sick.  I'm fine, Aki.  Just… wonderful, in fact."

"Damn.  Guess I lost on that pool.  The drama club was laying bets by the end of the song.  What's going on here?  I thought you hated her!"

I shrugged.  "Just felt like it, I guess.  She's not so bad."

"You danced with Kei!" he gesticulated.  "And not just danced!  I mean, you _danced_ with her.  What did you say to her?  How on earth did you ever get her to do it?"

"Do what?"

"She dumped Ryu!  Right in front of everyone, right by the snack table!  It was incredible!  She just pushed him away from her and spouted some girly talk about how he didn't respect her or something, and she was going to find someone who appreciated her!"

"Did she?"  I smiled again, pleased that she'd actually had the courage to stand up to him.  It had probably been very difficult for her.  "Good for her."

"Good for her," Aki mimicked sarcastically.  "Do you have any idea how long those two have been together?  I'll never forget the look on his face when she turned around and left the gym.  Everyone stayed well away from him, I'll tell you that much.  How could you have missed that?  Where were you?"

"Out back."

"And don't think he didn't hear about your little Swing Kids show with his girlfriend, Kinomoto.  She was his trophy, and he is going to kill you three times over for this.  Are you insured?"

"Aki, Aki," I remonstrated, straightening my tie and giving him a patient look.  "You know I'm not afraid of him.  He can't goad me into a fight anymore; I'm past all that.  What happened between him and Kei is none of my business.  I just gave her – a little nudge."

"He's going to give you a little funeral.  It really was nice knowing you, Kinomoto.  You've shaken things up in our class, and for that I will always remember you fondly.  Bless you, my child."  And with that he shook his head and ran to spread more gossip amongst his crowd.  I rolled my eyes and caught sight of Kei making her way toward me in the halls.  For a second, I was seized with the instinct to run and hide.  But she didn't approach me, just walked past and gave me a little smile.  She looked happy, but it was more than that.  There was a glimmer of pride in her eyes, and independence. 

I returned the smile, then turned to go to class.  After so long, being single probably wasn't going to be very easy for her at first.  I could relate.  It was hard to go back when you were used to being a certain way.  Kaho was right.  I had more in common with the people around me than I knew.  It had been worth it to reach out.

- - - - - -

At least I hoped so.  For the first time that season, Ryu charged me at soccer practice in the scrimmage.  I never even saw him coming, and he slammed into me so hard that I went flying a considerable distance.  The hard earth rushed up to meet me, and I couldn't quite keep the moan of pain inside.

"Migake!  You're benched for the first half of the next game!  What the hell do you think you're playing at, huh?  Get off this field right now!"

Ryu paid no attention to our coach's scarlet face, but locked stares with me as I picked myself up.  He wasn't smirking with pride, or even gloating that he'd managed to sneak up on me.  His expression was absolutely deadpan, and there was a glitter of malice in his eyes that held my attention.  This was a warning, but I didn't flinch as I wiped the blood from my mouth and returned his stare.  He could try all he liked, but he wasn't going to draw me into any fight, and he wasn't going to intimidate me.  I would just have to be a little more alert.

I was not afraid.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Magic Carpet Ride – Steppenwolf


	13. ch13 treasure

**Chapter 13**

**'treasure'**

_Because I won't break, and I won't shake. _

With lifted hands to this man, I'll stand in faith

_I'll make it through, my trust in you. _

_Close my eyes, make a wish, kiss the sky. _

"It won't be long now!" Sakura announced joyfully, skipping up the sidewalk before me as we walked to school.  "It's almost July!  Soon summer vacation will be here again!"

Remembering how I'd spent the nights last summer, I couldn't resist a small smile.

"Now that you're in third grade, you'll probably have summer homework," I cautioned.  Her shoulders slumped a little, then her smile returned.

"What about you, Onii-chan?  What are you going to do over the summer?"

"I don't know.  Maybe I'll get a job, now that I'm fifteen."  A day job, maybe, to start saving up for that mountain bike I'd been eyeing.

"Ooh, a job!  Where?  Where?"

I shrugged.  "Don't know.  Guess I'll figure that out later."

We reached her courtyard, and I rapped her lightly on her head.  "Now scram, short stuff."

"Don't call me that!"  She shot me an indignant glare and scurried away. 

"Make me, you little monster," I called out to her back, then went on my way before she could yell anything back.  Maybe with a bike, I could go to school on my own in the mornings.  She'd never be able to keep up, right?

It was something to look forward to, and I entered the school feeling upbeat.  Dad had been gone on another excavation for the past week, but I was coping with her constant presence fairly well.  Visiting Kaho in the shrine every night, after she was sent to bed, was helping.  Quite a bit. 

I had a relaxed smile on my face as I dropped into my chair in geometry.

"Kinomoto, there you are.  Quick, what's -"

"Angle, side, angle," I answered preemptively.  "Calculate the degree of each angle and you'll know the third by deduction.  Once you know that, you can figure out the length of the last leg of the triangle."

Aki and the team goalie exchanged stunned looks.

"How did you know -"

"Just a feeling."

"Check it out," Aki whispered to the other.  "He's smiling!  He really is going to crack."

"He's been doing it a lot more lately," Tsujitane replied.  "Seems to me like someone has a girlfriend."

"Him?  Not a chance.  The girls in this school are very picky about a guy actually talking to them before they'll start dating."

"I still say it's the only explanation."

"Care to put some money on that?"

I rested my chin in my hands and stared at the blackboard, pretending I couldn't hear their conversation about me.  It didn't concern me what anyone else thought anymore.  All that mattered was her, and the coming freedom of summer vacation.  This time it was going to be even better, I was sure of it.  Nothing could bring me down.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

No soccer practice that day.  It was a Saturday, the day the varsity team played.  We were coming close to the end of the season; only two more games to go.  I was full of anticipation as I passed the soccer field on my way to the elementary school, but felt a moment's annoyance that Sakura was nowhere to be seen in the courtyard.

"Sakura?"  The game would be starting before long and I didn't want to miss the kickoff.  She knew she was supposed to wait by the statue for me.  Where had the little monster got to?  "Sakura?" I repeated, a little louder and more impatiently. 

Most of the milling kids in sailor suit uniforms didn't look up, but a girl standing with her friends a little ways away turned to look at me.  It was the one with really long dark hair, what was her name again?  She recognized me and waved.

"Konichiwa.  Are you looking for Sakura-chan?"

"Yeah.  Where is she, is she still in the classroom?"  I glanced at my watch and tried not to grind my teeth in annoyance.  This is why I'm sick to death of being the baby-sitter.  Why should I have to track my little sister down when all I want to do is go watch the game?  Why couldn't she just walk home by herself?

Sakura's friend looked confused.

"Sakura-chan left already.  She went with your friend."

"What?"

"You know," she said patiently, "your friend.  He came by and told Sakura-chan that you asked him to come and pick her up.  I was with her by the fountain.  He said you were busy.  So why are you here?"

My heart thumped louder in my chest with every word she uttered, drowning out the crowds of noisy children around me.  She watched me with innocent eyes, waiting for me to answer her question.  She couldn't know, of course, what I already knew.  I told myself it could be anyone, but my body knew.

"Where -" I started, then I stopped to swallow.  "Where did he say they were going?"

She shrugged.

"Well, she asked if they were going to meet you at the soccer game, I think.  He said yes.  But didn't you send him?"

"How long?" I asked shakily, and when she blinked in a puzzled manner I couldn't bring myself to be patient.  "How long ago?" I repeated, sharply, and she jumped a little.

"Uh- maybe ten minutes?  But why -"  I backed away and sprinted for the elementary school gates, not bothering to listen to the rest.  My heart was hammering fast and hard now in my chest, goading me into panic, urging me to run faster.

He couldn't have, my mind screamed.  But he did.

He wouldn't really hurt her, would he?  She's just a little girl. 

Oh yes he would.

_Find her._

Automatically I had been running toward the soccer field but I stopped short midway past the science building, panting hard.  Of course he wouldn't take her there, way too many people.  He'd go somewhere out of the way.

Nausea bubbled up inside of me and I forced it back frantically.  Now wasn't the time for that.  I had to find her.  But how? 

Confusion and fear, not my own, streaked through my mind just then, followed by a burst of pain.  I spun around, but it had gone by too fast and I couldn't pinpoint it.  Slow down, Kinomoto, take a second to concentrate.  You can do it if you try.

I'd never actively tried to use this power before, but I closed my eyes and forced a deep breath.  Right away I could feel her desperation, and I knew exactly where it was coming from.  I was running before I'd even opened my eyes again, straight for the little nook between the science building and the gym.  And all I could think was _she'd better not have a scratch on her. _

"Ouch!" I heard her plaintive cry just before I rounded the corner, sounding pitiful and weak, followed by a cruel snicker.  "Stop it!  Lemme alone!"

Ryu was still laughing when I finally found them, wiggling Sakura's backpack above her head while she vainly tried to jump up and reach it.  I stopped and braced one hand against the brick wall, breathing hard, for just one second so grateful that he hadn't touched her.  Then I saw her skinned knee and the smudge of blood on her leg.

"Hey Kinomoto, there you are," Ryu greeted me, malicious smile plastered all over his ugly face.  "Was hoping you'd show."

"Onii-chan!" Sakura wailed when she looked up and saw me.  "He took my bag and he won't give it back, and I fell and it hurts!  Make him give it back!"

"Make me give it back, Onii-chan," he echoed mockingly.  "Sister, right?  She's always hanging around during soccer practice, so that's what I figured.  She's cute."

His smug eyes locked with mine, waiting for me to make the next move.  My mouth was dry and I had to swallow again, heart still thudding rapidly in my ears.  I was afraid and he knew it, the bastard, he knew he could hurt me by hurting her.  It would be so easy.

"Sakura," I said as evenly as I could, "get away from him, now.  Come here."  I held out my hand and took a measured step forward.  Obediently she moved to skip away, but she didn't move quickly enough.  In one easy motion Ryu dropped her bag and caught her around the waist, hoisting her up against his chest, and she shrieked.

"Hey, stop it!  Put me down!"  She wriggled ineffectually against his thick arms, helpless, and my breath hitched in my throat.  For a second I couldn't even move.

"How about that, Kinomoto?" Ryu gloated.  "You take my girl, I take yours."  He squeezed her unnecessarily hard and she whimpered.  Somewhere deep in my throat, I think I whimpered too.  "This is more like it," he continued, "I knew there was a way to crack that ice-cold attitude of yours.  You should really see yourself right now.  It's too funny."

"Put her down," I managed at last, and he sneered.

"Say please."

"You want me to fight you, then I will."  My bag slid off my shoulder and hit the hot cement with a thump.  It was impossible to attack as they were, she could get hurt.  "Just… put her down."

"Tell your brother to say please," Ryu instructed Sakura, and pinched her roughly on the cheek.  She yelped in pain, and then, of all things, gave him a vicious kick.  I could have warned him, if he'd asked, that her kick was a lot stronger than she looked.  But he hadn't asked, and she managed to land her foot in such a tender area that he dropped her in surprise with a groan of pain.

"Fuck!" he gasped.  "You little br -"

He never got a chance to finish.  I was hardly able to think at this point, I couldn't see or hear anything beyond him.  My whole world was clouded over with a scarlet haze of hatred, and when he dropped Sakura safely out of the way – I snapped.  All of my careful resistance to violence and my smooth karate moves flew right out of my head as I leapt for him. 

Caught off guard, he didn't have a chance to block before my fist caught him across the side of his face and sent him stumbling backward.  He took the punch better than I would have predicted, lowering his chin and delivering a sharp uppercut to my ribs.  I grunted in pain and he followed with another strike to face.  I just managed to get my nose out of range, but there was a blinding pain on the right side of my face and I knew his knuckles had cut into my skin.  Gritting my teeth against the discomfort, I gripped his shirt and kneed him twice in the stomach, then twisted and threw him against the brick wall of the building.

"I'll break you in half," I snarled, before slamming his head back against the bricks again.  Before I could pull back and deliver a really deadly punch, he kicked me hard in the shin and struck me across the temple with a backfist.  I was almost knocked to the ground, but I bent my knees and jerked backwards, my elbow slamming into his ribs and drawing a grunt from his lips.  As he doubled over in pain, I gripped his collar and pulled his face into my elbow.  I was rewarded a second later by a painful-sounding crunch, and his first yell of agony.  I'd broken his nose, and celebrated by striking him twice more across the jaw.

"How's that?" I gritted.  "You wanted this fight.  How do you like it now?  Huh?"  He was spitting up blood now and apparently unable to answer me with words.  He did try to raise his hands in the universally accepted sign of surrender, but I paid no attention and clouted him once more.

"Bastard," I gasped, and braced my foot behind his to trip him and push him to the cement.  "And now you get what you deserve."

I dropped to one knee on his chest and raised my fist.  And that was the first time I remembered Sakura was still there.  She hadn't run away after being dropped, but was sitting quietly a few paces away from Ryu's head, hugging her knees to her chest and shaking violently.  Her face was absolutely white as she watched me.  

I hesitated, Ryu still half-blinded from the blow to his nose and on his way to a complete blackout.  She was more frightened by the fight than any minor scrapes she'd actually suffered.  But he could have hurt her.  He could have hurt her so badly…

I clamped my hand over his bleeding mouth and dropped my head, my lips just over his ear.

"If you ever touch my sister again I'll kill you."

I pushed away from him and crawled to Sakura, but she backed away from me.

"No, Sakura, don't.  Shh, it's just me, Onii-chan.  I'm not going to hurt you."

She couldn't scoot away fast enough and I grabbed her wrist.

"It's okay, Sakura.  I'm not going to hit any more, I promise."  She said nothing, but shrank from my touch as I raised my other hand and brushed her bangs out of her eyes.  I got some blood on her hair and had to wipe my palms on the sidewalk, leaving a bright red streak.  "Did he hurt you anywhere?  Are you all right?"  Slowly she nodded.  "Gomen, Sakura.  I didn't mean to scare you.  You're safe now.  I won't let him bother you anymore."

She still hadn't spoken, and I watched a pair of tears well up and spill down her cheeks. 

"Don't cry.  We're going home.  Let's go."  I picked her up and settled her on my back, then grabbed the straps of both our bags.  I couldn't resist giving a little kick to Ryu's head as I walked past, and he muttered something about falling rocks.  He could have a concussion, and it was probably dangerous to leave him lying here like this.

Like I cared.  Clutching my sister a little more tightly, I left the science building and the high school behind. 

- - - - - -

The adrenaline of the fight was wearing off by the time I managed to get home, and with some relief I dumped our backpacks on the porch and unlocked the front door.  She still hadn't said a word by the time I set her down gently on the couch.

"How's the knee?  Does it hurt?"

She shook her head as I patted at her blood with a rag.  It was only a minor scrape, but I had to force down another spurt of rage as I watched it seep into the cloth.  She was hurt, because of what he had done.  He had _hurt_ her.  Looking up at her face, I could see the faint beginnings of a blue bruise where he had pinched her on the cheek.  My stomach turned with nausea and I lifted my hand to inspect it.  She flinched.

"Sakura, I'm not going to hurt you.  I'm your brother, remember?  Hold still and let me look."  This time she obeyed me and I brushed my fingertips over her skin.  It was bad but not terrible, and would fade in a couple days.  The memory of him pinching her like that made my hands start to shake again, and I was having trouble breathing. 

He hadn't cared at all.  No.  Nothing mattered in his bid to come to blows with me, and his lust for violence had finally led him to her.  It didn't matter that she was only eight years old, completely incapable of hurt.  And he'd marked her, left evidence of his touch right there on her face.  She was polluted.

"Why don't you go take a nice warm bath, okay?  You'll feel better.  And I'll make you something to eat."

She nodded and slid off the couch to go shuffle upstairs.  After sitting still for thirty seconds and watching my hands shake, I couldn't stand it anymore and began to pace.

Jeez… oh – oh god.  She's freaked out.  She's scared.  Scarred mentally as well as physically.  I d-don't know what to do.  I can fight, I can hit back against the one who was threatening her, but what do I do when she's like this?

I felt constricted and took off my tie, then noticed all the blood spattered across my shirt.  Mostly his, but a little of mine as well.  I had to – to wash it.  No, no… there was no way all these stains were going to come out.  The shirt was history.  I tore it off and stuffed it into the trash can.

No, she'll see it in there.  It'll just frighten her again.  Better take it to the bin outside.  Yes, that's what I'll do.  I'll take it outside. 

I was starting to break down, my thoughts were becoming more irrational by the moment, but I didn't care.  I was trying to think of everything, frantically pushing away the images my mind was weaving.  Couldn't think of that – no, think of anything but that.  I slammed out of the front door and made my way to the carport, where the trash bin sat.  The neighbor's Persian cat meowed at me from on top of the carport roof, but it was a thin sound in my ears.  That pounding was starting up again, and my vision was becoming blurry.

I'm tired.  That was a tough fight, and then I had to carry her all the way home.  I'll want to go to bed early tonight.  No, what am I thinking?  I can't go to sleep.  I have to stay up, watch her.  I won't be able to sleep anyway, I know it.

Through a fog I saw my hand push up the lid and wad up my bloodied school shirt before throwing it in.  There was blood on my hands too, I saw, drying and rust-colored blood on my knuckles from where I'd struck him in the mouth.  I raised my fingertips and felt gently under my right eye, where I knew there was an open cut.  It wasn't gushing blood, but I could feel an oozing wetness and knew it must look bad.  The sight of it was probably scaring the hell out of her.  And a bruise was bound to develop on my temple, not to mention my ribs and shin.  It had been my first fight in a long time… I'd grown rusty.  Sloppy. 

I should have seen this coming.  I knew how frustrated he was, how much he wanted to draw me into a fight.  All those times that Sakura was sitting on the bleachers during our practices – he had plenty of opportunities to check her out.  How could I have been so stupid?  How long was he watching her, how easy was it for him to pick her up, take her away to some secluded spot?  Did he push her down, hit her?

No, Touya.  Don't think about it.  Stop thinking about it.

I couldn't help it.  He hadn't cared at all.  He just picked her up and used her as a pawn to get to me.  And he hurt her.  Left his mark on her, bruised her.  For a short while, he had made her his own.

Stop thinking about it!

I fell to my knees on the driveway, desperately trying to force back the nausea.  He touched her.  Put his arms around her, groped her, pinched her cheek.  What else would he have done?  How far was he willing to go?  Would he – would he have…

I couldn't stand it anymore and threw up on the driveway.  The panic and disgust and revulsion had been too much to cope with.  Once I'd relieved myself of lunch, I felt marginally better and sat back to take a deep breath. 

Sakura!  She's still in there taking a bath.  How could I have left her alone for so long?

Anxiously I hurried back into the house and up the stairs.  I could hear her splashing around, even if she wasn't singing like she normally did.  I relaxed, and returned to the kitchen to wash my face.  Soap on the cut stung, but it was better than getting an infection.  Somehow I doubted Ryu had washed his hands before the fight.

Deep breath, Touya, deep breath.  You can't be falling apart when she comes downstairs again, right?  Concentrate on making dinner.  God knows you've done it enough; this should be one thing that you can handle.

With trembling hands, I began to assemble food on the countertop.  I had to chop more slowly and carefully than I have in the past, afraid that I might slice one of my fingers open.  I didn't notice how long I was taking about it, though, until I looked at the clock and realized almost forty-five minutes had gone by.  Sakura had not returned, and I left the kitchen to go upstairs.  The bathroom was empty now, and I pushed open her door with a hesitant rap on the wood.

"Sakura?  Are you hungry?  I'm making dinner."

She was dressed in her favorite comfortable clothes, that little white top and the red shorts, but made no move to leave the bed.  Instead she hugged one of her stuffed animals closer to her chest and shrank back against the wall. 

"Sakura, look at me."  I knelt on the floor before her and she obeyed, though fearfully.  "Are you scared of me?  Don't be afraid, just tell me if you are."

After a long pause, she gave a nod.

"Why?"

And for the first time, she spoke.  "You hit your friend."

"My – no, Sakura.  He wasn't my friend."

"He told me he was."

"He was lying to you."

"But you knew his name.  You knew each other."

Of course, in her world, everyone that she knew she considered a friend.  People like Ryu Migake didn't exist for her.

"Yes, Sakura, I knew him, but we were not friends.  He didn't like me at all.  He wanted to hurt me.  He knew he could get me to fight him by picking on you.  I'm sorry that I hit him in front of you.  I didn't mean to scare you."

Delicately I took her hands in mine and rubbed them.

"Just because I hit him doesn't mean I'm going to hit anyone else.  Especially you.  I would never do that.  Okay?  The only ones that I'll ever hurt are the ones that are bullying you."

It looked like she wanted to believe me.  I could see the longing in her eyes for things to go back the way they always were between us.  She needed something familiar to make her feel comfortable again.

"After all, I can't let anyone else pick on my squirt, right?  That's my job."

"I'm not a squirt," she murmured out of habit, and I grinned.

"Sure you are.  You're a tiny -" I moved my hands to her ribs and started to tickle her.  "-shrimpy -" she giggled slightly and tried to push my hands away.  "-squirt who is a major klutz besides."

"I'm not!"

"You are.  Now why don't you come downstairs and have something to eat?  I made your favorite."

I released her and she wriggled off the bed to go downstairs.  I stopped in my bedroom to pull on a fresh T-shirt before following her, and felt my smile fade once more as the bruise on my ribs protested. 

Hell of a fight.  I'd almost forgotten how hard those fists can be when they connect with your body. 

- - - - - -

There was no question of me eating anything, but I sat across the table and watched her anxiously as she made her way through dinner.  After she'd had some ice cream, I pulled her into my lap and we watched TV together while it grew dark outside.  Normally at this time of the day I was chomping at the bit to get to the shrine, but there was no chance of that tonight.  I couldn't tear myself away from her, couldn't get enough of holding her.  It seemed that if I let go for a moment even, she would disappear completely.  Emotionally it had been a rough day for her, and it wasn't long before she was yawning in my arms.

"Ready to go to bed?"

She gave a sleepy nod, and I picked her up to carry her upstairs.  And even in her darkened and quiet bedroom I couldn't bear to let go, but leaned back against her pillows and hugged her close.

"Tell me a story."

"Okay.  Which one do you want?"

"I dunno."

"Cinderella?"

"No."

"Sleeping Beauty?"

"No."

"Rapunzel?"

"No."

I chuckled, and she did too.

"Well, which one?"

"I don't know.  Tell me a new story."

New story?  I can't make up stories; I'm not given to it.  I'm a left-brainer, a man of math and science.  But she had asked, and I could hardly refuse her.

"Okay… once upon a time, there was a very happy and peaceful kingdom.  And there was a beautiful marble palace where a good king and queen lived.  They had two children, a prince, and a beautiful princess with green eyes like her mother."

She squeezed me happily.

"I like this story."

"Um, the prince was a very strong warrior.  He grew up to be tall and serious, and studied hard at learning to fight like a knight.  He was convinced that he had to grow up to be the strongest king the country had ever known.  And the princess became very beautiful, and every man in the kingdom wanted to marry her because she was so pretty and sweet and kind.  The king and queen loved their children very much, and told the prince that he should be sure and watch out for the princess, because that was his duty as the oldest and heir to the throne."

I rested my head against the wooden shelf behind her bed and looked out the window.  The moonlight spilling in was very bright and clear; it must close to a full moon tonight, if not totally there.

"But the prince never listened to the king and queen.  He thought it was more important to spend all his time training, and ignored the princess most of the time.  After a day where he said he would have lunch with her and then forgot to come, she was sad and left the palace to go pick flowers."

"Oh…"

"Now there were many in the kingdom that had fallen in love with the princess, and not all of them were good.  It so happened that a wicked magician had decided that he wanted the princess for his wife, but she had rejected him.  When he saw her, alone and helpless while picking flowers, he decided to swoop down and take her away.  And he took her to his mysterious and scary castle."

I thought I felt her tense a little, but she didn't seem unduly scared.  I swallowed and picked up the thread again.

"When the prince heard what had happened, he became very angry.  He was furious that anyone thought they could just come down and grab his sister away from him, and decided to go and get her back.  But he didn't know where the castle of the dark magician was."

"How did he find it?"

"I'm getting to that.  The prince knew that someone else was in love with the princess, a mysterious person that lived in the high eaves of the palace and was not seen by many.  He was a very handsome man with silver hair and eyes like diamonds, and he had long white wings like an angel.  The prince and the princess never learned exactly who he was or where he came from, but he was kind to the princess and the prince knew that he would help him.  So he asked him to go out over the land and fly high, and see if he could find the dark castle when no one else could.  This his friend agreed to, and he set out to explore. 

"While he was waiting for him to return, the prince practiced some more at his palace, determined to be ready when he met his enemy.  And while he was training, a beautiful sorceress with red hair like the sunset came to visit him.  She said that the warlock he was about to face was very cunning and strong, and that the prince would need to keep all his wits about him when he went to go save his sister.  And then she gave him a magical bell.  She said it would help him when the time came."

I couldn't think where all this creativity was coming from, but she seemed to be enjoying it.  I shrugged to myself and plunged onward.

"Finally the man with wings returned and said he had found the castle.  Immediately the prince got on his horse and rode hard and fast, and by the time night was coming on he had reached the gates.  This was a magical place, where the man with wings could not go.  The prince was going to have to go in alone.  So he drew his sword and walked into the castle. 

"It was a scary place, full of thorny brambles and traps.  And there were monsters too, servants of the dark magician.  There was a horrible black panther with wings that could breathe fire, and a witch that could fly and hurl sharp rubies through the air."

"Were there any ghosts?"

"No, Sakura, there were no ghosts in this castle.  And the prince fought the monsters well, because he had trained so hard and practiced so much.  It was a big castle, but he listened to his heart and found he knew the way to his sister.  And up at the top of the tallest tower, he found her fast asleep on a large bed.  But before he could try to wake her up, the wicked magician appeared.

'You are too late, prince,' he said with a sneer.  'I've put her in a magical sleep, and when she wakes up, she won't remember any of the people that she once loved.  She'll only love me now.  There's nothing you can do to stop it.'

"The prince remembered then the magical bell that the sorceress had given him, and took it out.  He rang it three times, and it had a very beautiful sound.  And on the third ring, his sister sat up in bed, wide awake.  The spell had been broken, and she had not forgotten her brother or the man with wings or her parents.  When the magician saw this, he screamed a terrible cry of rage and leapt for the prince to kill him.

"But the prince still had his sword, and they fought a ferocious duel.  The magician was stronger, and older, and far more powerful than the young prince.  But none of that mattered, you see.  Because he was fighting for his sister, he became stronger.  He was unstoppable, and at last he slew the horrible magician. 

"The princess was so happy that she flew into his arms to hug him, and that was when the prince realized something.  At first he had just been angry that his sister was stolen away because he felt that was an insult to his ability to protect her.  But when he saw her safe and happy and so glad to see him, he realized that he had been worried for her safety and scared he might never see her again.  Because after all, she was his sister and he loved her very much.  She was his precious treasure.  Um, the end."

I concluded my tale and waited to hear her comments.  But there was only silence, and after a moment I realized that she had fallen fast asleep in my arms.

- - - - - - - -

She's never been to my house before.  At least, that I know of.  But I scrambled down the tree after tucking Sakura in and waited, plucking at the grass restlessly.  After a short while she appeared out of the darkness, in a long dark green sundress that rippled slightly in the summer night breeze.  She dropped gracefully to the ground opposite me, folding her legs and leaning forward to inspect the cut under my eye.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not nearly enough," I answered in a dull voice. 

"You think you deserve to be punished?"

"I know I do.  What happened today… makes me sick.  It was my fault.  I brought this on her."

"You cannot be held responsible for his actions.  You did all you could."

"Sure.  Challenged him, provoked him, then left him standing cold while I got all Ghandi.  I forgot about my sister, but he didn't.  My worlds collided today – him and her.  He used her to get to me!  And he hurt her so easily."

I struggled to keep my emotions in check, and to not break down like I had on the driveway.  She waited patiently, watching me with those knowing eyes.

"I would have killed him, you know.  I almost did.  If she hadn't been there, watching me, I think I would have killed him.  I – I was just so angry.  I couldn't believe what he'd done.  I wanted to pound him into the ground until there was nothing left.  Forgot my vow to nonviolence just like that."  I snapped my fingers and gave her wary look.  "Disappointed?"

"There is a difference between searching for the fight and feeling compelled to one.  You had good reason."

"Maybe.  But hitting him didn't help.  It didn't take away the fear.  It's still here, inside me."  I placed my hand over my heart.  It was still going fast and hard, and my stomach was still crawling with anxiety.  "I beat him down for touching her, but what if I hadn't been there?  What if I hadn't found them?  He could have done anything… to her.  Anyone could, still.  She's so little, and helpless."  My hands were starting to shake again, and I pushed my fingers through my hair trying to steady them.  "So little… Christ, why does she have to be so _little_?  I can't stand this."

My shoulders shook slightly as I stared at the grass, then saw that it was beginning to blur.  What was going on?  There was an aching sensation behind my eyes, a memory long forgotten.  I didn't realize what was happening until there was a horrible burn on the cut under my eye, and I reached up to touch.  The salt had irritated the wound.

"Look at that," I sniffled.  "I'm crying.  I d-didn't even cry when my mother died.  I haven't cried in over five years.  And now I'm crying because of her.  What does it mean?"

She dabbed at my cheeks lightly with the hem of her dress, and did not reply.

"I thought I hated my sister," I said miserably.  "I – I could hardly stand to touch her, hated the feel of her skin against mine.  I thought I was jealous of her, because I had to remember Mom's death and she didn't remember a thing.  She was so carefree, and I envied her.  But I d-don't hate her."

I had to stop talking to choke back some more tears. 

"I was afraid.  That's why I couldn't bear to touch her.  That's why I couldn't admit to Dad the truth.  That I do love her, more than anything.  I was lying.  I tried to fool myself but I couldn't, and now I know it and I am _scared_."

I snatched a hapless dandelion and crushed it in my fist, reducing it to a crumpled pile of golden petals. 

"This could be her.  Just like Mom."  My chest tightened and I flicked my hand in frustration.  The tiny yellow fragments fluttered back down to the grass like confetti.  "The blossoms scatter, and I'm alone again.  No one can stop it.  I'll kill any guy I ever catch touching her again, but I'm not enough – god, there's so many things out there that could hurt her!  So many people ready to prey on a little girl like her, so many ways…  I can't be there all the time!  I can't be there to protect her every second of every day.  What am I going to do?"

My mind's eye was filled with imagined horrors of a predatory world, of vicious and cruel people who wanted to take my sister away from me.  I was tempted to succumb to complete despair as I contemplated it all, knowing how futile it was to remain by her side all the time. 

"No," she said finally.  "No, Touya, you cannot be there by her side all the time.  But you've realized the truth now, and you know your sister's rightful place in your heart.  You will always strive to protect her in the future and no one can ask for more.  You will do what you can."

"But what about -"

"You will do what you can," she repeated firmly.  "Every day that passes is another where she grows stronger, more independent, more able to take care of herself.  And there will be others, eventually.  Others who can help you keep watch."

That last part surprised me out of my shivering, and I looked up into her face.  More of those secrets, those mysteries.  What did she know that I didn't?

But I couldn't ask.  I didn't even want to, really.  Somehow, she'd managed to make me feel not quite so terrible, and for that I was grateful. 

"Thank you for coming."

"Of course.  But now you want some time alone."  I gave a tiny nod.

"Do you mind?"

"Never.  There are some things that need to happen in private."  She rocked forward onto the balls of her feet and dropped a gentle kiss on my brow before standing.  "Please don't despair, Touya.  We're never as alone as we think we are."

And with that she turned and left the yard, disappearing in the darkness just as she had on that first night we met.

Never as alone…

"She can say what she wants," I muttered aloud.  "But that doesn't excuse my behavior.  I failed you."

There was no answer, and I crawled away from the tree to get a more unobstructed view of the night sky.  It was so clear tonight; it seemed as though I could see right up to the heavens themselves.

"I didn't mean it," I sobbed.  "I didn't mean that I never wanted to see you again!  You know it's the truth!  Why won't you speak to me?  Are you angry with me?"

The darkest fear that I might be right welled up inside me, and I could feel the tears falling faster.  "I promised you!  I promised you that I would look out for her, you told me I was the only one that could do it!  And I ignored that promise because I wanted to pretend that I hated her.

"I'm sorry," I choked.  "I know it doesn't help now, but I am sorry.  It won't happen again.  I'm g-going to be a good brother from now on.  And if I t-take good care of her, will you come back?  Because if that's what it takes, then that's what I'll do."

I turned my face down from the stars and crumpled against the ground to rest my forehead on my knee.  She wasn't going to come back, that much was obvious.  Not until I'd demonstrated I was speaking the truth.  I was going to start taking care of Sakura, not just baby-sitting her. 

Because I love her. 

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Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Satellite – P.O.D.


	14. ch14 dream on

**Chapter 14**

**'dream on'**

_Sing with me, sing for the year, _

_sing for the laughter and sing for the tear… _

_Sing with me, if it's just for today, _

_maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away. _

_Dream on, dream until your dreams come true!_

Her breathing is changing, getting lighter and faster.  She must be almost up. 

I pulled aside the curtain of her window, and morning sunlight filled the room.  She stirred slightly and her eyes fluttered open.  Those green eyes that looked so like Mom's.

"Nii-chan?" she murmured sleepily.  "Something wrong?"

"Nope.  I brought up some breakfast for you."  I fluffed up the pillows behind my surprised sister and placed a tray over her lap.  "Pancakes, orange juice, and some strawberries.  You like strawberries, right?"

"Yes…"

"Good.  Then eat up.  Kids your age are supposed to have healthy, well-balanced meals, you know."  She didn't say anything, but just stared at me with round eyes.  "You want me to pour the syrup?  Say when."  I squeezed the container and drizzled her breakfast.

"That's enough," she finally said.

"Well, what are you waiting for?  Dig in."

"What about you?"

"I already ate."  I sat on the edge of her bed and rubbed her feet underneath the blanket.  "Don't worry about me.  I'll just go downstairs and make you some hot chocolate."

"But -"

"Shh.  No talking.  Just eating.  I'll be right back."  I left the room before she could ask any questions, knowing that I was probably overdoing it but unable to help myself.  Seeing that bruise on her cheek just made me sick all over again, and determined to make it up to her. 

"What would you like to do today?  It's gorgeous weather out there, nice and warm."  I couldn't seem to get enough of rubbing her feet, tickling them, teasing them.  She giggled through a mouthful of pancakes.  "How about the zoo?  We've never been there before.  I'll make a picnic lunch for us, how about that?"

"Okay," she agreed happily.  She didn't seem to be bothered by yesterday's incident anymore, but that wasn't going to take away the guilt. 

"Great.  Get changed when you're done and come downstairs.  I'll be in the kitchen."

- - - - - -

"Ooh, look!  Elephants!"  She scurried ahead to clamber up the railing and get a better view.  I heaved a sigh.

"Sakura, I told you not to let go of my hand!  A hundred times!  Please don't run ahead like that."

"Gomen," she said contritely, her gaze still riveted on the two elephants in front of us.  "But they're so cute!  Are they husband and wife?"

I scanned the information posted by the fence.

"It says here that the male is on loan from another zoo in Tokyo.  They're trying to get the female to have a baby."

"Oh, a baby elephant!  That would be so cute!  I hope she does, and then I can come back and see the baby too."

"I'm sure you will."

Her eyes were sparkling with joy as she watched the male hose himself off with his trunk.  She was so happy, so excited to be here and watching them.  How did she do that?  Be so filled with delight at every little thing?  It was how her mind operated, always living in the moment, always taking in every experience for what it was – something to be enjoyed.  Unpleasant things didn't exist there.  Already Ryu's attack had faded to a distant memory. 

But where before I had viewed her smiles with jealousy and not a little resentment, I now cherished her happiness.  It was so uniquely her, so completely wonderful.  I couldn't bear it if anything happened to her smile.

I wrapped my arms around her from behind and rested my chin on top of her head.  I could feel her happy little sigh, and knew that she was loving all this attention. 

"Giraffes are next.  Ready to go see them?"

"Hai!"

"All right."  I lifted her off the fence and set her down on the concrete again.  "But this time, don't let go of my hand.  You could get lost."

"Okay," she said impatiently, tugging me alongside the cages.  "But hurry up!  Let's go, let's go, let's go!" 

We spent a wonderfully relaxing afternoon moving from one animal display to another.  Well, almost relaxing.  There was a time, by the sloth cage while she was waiting for it to move, when I was sure I saw Ryu out of the corner of my eye.  It wasn't him, just someone who looked a little like him, but it was enough to make me break out in a cold sweat.  I clutched Sakura's hand so hard that she whimpered, and I had to remind myself to loosen my grip. 

No.  I wasn't ever going to lose the fear.  He would always be there, lurking in the shadows just beyond my vision.  She would never be totally safe. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was with supreme reluctance that I let go of her hand in her school courtyard the next morning.

"When class lets out, I don't want you wandering out of any teacher's sight, okay?  Just wait inside the building for me to come pick you up.  And for god's sake don't go with anyone who says he's my friend."

"But I always wait by the statue."

"Please don't argue with me, Sakura."  I knelt to face her and gave her a stern look.  "Just promise me."

"Okay."

"Arigatou."  I stood and ruffled her hair, dislodging her little sailor hat.

"Onii-chan!" she squealed, and clutched at it. 

"Go on, better get to class.  You'll be late."

"Hai.  Ja ne!"  She skipped away merrily, and I had to swallow my dread before turning and leaving her school.  It was the first time we had been separated since Saturday, and already my palms were sweating with nervousness. 

_Be calm.  You knew you would have to let go eventually.  She is not in danger._

She was standing by the steps of the high school, a stack of books in her arms and an understanding look of sympathy in her eyes.  I nodded.

_I know.  It's just… hard.  _

_But it's not the hardest thing you've had to do over the past year_, she reminded me.  _You've faced much worse._ 

_I'm not so sure about that_, I answered grimly.  _Does it ever get less scary?_

She hesitated.

No.  But you will learn to bear it as you have everything else.  You will survive this, Touya.  Go to class.

My shoulders slumped a little, but I gave her a grateful smile and turned to enter the school.

- - - - - -

"Jesus Christ, Kinomoto," was the first thing Aki said when he met me in Geometry class.  "What the hell happened to you?"

I brushed my fingertips gingerly over the bruise on my temple, and shrugged.

"Fell."

"Off a building?"

"Down the stairs.  That's all."

He shook his head and rolled his eyes, then proceeded to tell me all about his date over the weekend.  I didn't want anyone to know about the fight if I could help it, and particularly not why it had started in the first place.  It had crossed my mind that Ryu was by no means the only fighter at Seijou.  As Kaho pointed out almost a year ago, there were many more waiting in line behind him.  And if he was willing to use Sakura, someone else might too.  So I kept quiet over the next couple days, always watching warily for him in the halls but never seeing him.  I was beginning to wonder if I'd really injured him that badly when Kei surprised me at my locker one morning.

"He's not here anymore."

"Who's not?"

"Ryu.  I overheard them talking in the office while I was in there to fill out a tardy slip.  He's dropped out and they're moving his files to the school on the other side of town.  Why would someone, even a non-academic like him, drop out just two weeks before the end of the trimester?"

I shrugged, keeping my eyes carefully trained on the books in my locker.

"That cut under your eye," she continued thoughtfully.  "Ryu used to get cuts like that on his face when he got in a brawl with someone."

"Did he?"

"Yeah.  He did.  But he always won.  I don't think he could stand it if he ever lost a fight.  He'd probably freak out, drop out of sight and go off to be a bully somewhere else.  Anything would be better than looking someone in the face who finally beat him.  I knew him pretty well, you know."

"I figured."

"You did it, didn't you?"  She dropped her voice so much that it was almost impossible to hear her over the crowd of students.  "You finally fought him.  He was going to do something so terrible that you finally fought back."

I would not admit or deny it, but I looked her squarely in the eyes without speaking.  Part of her looked curious, but mostly she was awed. 

"What did he do?"

"Something bad," I said stiffly, and slammed my locker shut before turning and walking away. 

I don't think she said anything to anybody.  But his absence from the soccer team was noticed fairly quickly, and it didn't take much for some to make the connection between my face and his disappearance.  By the end of the week people were whispering behind my back in the halls, guys skirting me warily as I walked toward practice.  I paid no attention to any of them, particularly when Aki begged me for details.  Yes, I had fought him, but for the first time in my life, derived no pleasure from it.  It was something that I had to do, no more.  And as much as my hands shook when I thought about that day, I did have to admit to myself that Ryu had served a purpose.  He had woken up the fear inside of me.  Maybe it wasn't pleasant, but for the first time in a long time, I was fulfilling my promise to Mom. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Those thoughts were on my mind as I walked her home from our last game on Friday afternoon.  With the luckiest of timing, the bruises on both our faces had just faded, but I saw Dad's car parked in the driveway with a touch of apprehension.  Though I had wanted to very much, I'd never pressed Sakura to keep quiet about the incident.  I didn't want her young mind to realize the significance of what happened, nor did I want to give an impression that I had something to hide from Dad. 

"Daddy's home!  Daddy!"  She skipped inside and I heard him give a slight groan as she pounced on him.

"Hey sweetheart, I missed you too."

"Did you have a good time?"

"Hai.  I had a very good time."

"Where were you again?"

"A place called China.  Do you know where that is?"

"Oh yes.  Our teacher showed us on a map.  It's huge!"

"It certainly was, and I was going to a place very far away from any of the cities.  That's what took me so long to get back.  Did your brother take good care of you?"

I stiffened as I watched them from the hallway.  If she was going to say anything, this would be the time.  But she only smiled and nodded, more interested in finding out what Dad had brought her than telling stories.

"Arigatou, Touya-kun.  It means a lot to me."

"It was no problem at all," I murmured, for once sincere.  "I enjoyed it."

And I think he even picked up on it, because he looked up from Sakura with a flash of surprise and then gratitude in his eyes.  We shared a brief and silent moment before I nodded and turned to go upstairs.

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"Welcome to the fold," Aki greeted me, with a merry grin as he shuffled his favorite deck of cards.  "I knew we'd get you here eventually.  Now it's only a matter of time before you're slacking off and failing like the rest of us."

"Not likely," I said coolly, sliding into the chair to his left.  It was the first night of summer, and once again Aki had invited me to his cherished celebratory poker game.  It was held outside, in his driveway under the sickly glow of the bug-zapper lamp.  Tsujitane and a few other guys from our class were already there, cracking open sodas or cheap beer.  All were welcoming, but I still felt a little out of place.  It seemed odd for me to be here, considering where I was the first night of summer at this time last year.  Yet Kaho had been firm when I mentioned it, declaring that I should definitely go, that it would be good for me. 

"But don't you want me to come by?" I had asked, and she only smiled and shook her head. 

"I want you to enjoy yourself," she'd answered, a cryptic look in her eyes like always.  "This is a change for the good."

A nice thought, even if it was one that triggered an uncomfortable twinge in my stomach.  I'm not fond of change; once I get settled into the way of things it takes a lot to break me out.  But she was right; there was nothing at all unreasonable with spending some time with my classmates. 

But still…

"Move your elbows, man, I'm trying to deal here."

"You call that shuffling the deck?  Here, let me show you how it's done."

There was a difference; I knew it.  In the two weeks since the fight, there was something different between us.  She didn't feel more distant exactly, but not exactly all there either.  Her thoughts were closed to me, but one didn't have to be a mind reader to see the forward-dwelling look in her eye.  Something about the near future was demanding her attention.

"What, no pretzels?"

"Oh, shut up already and call."

There was something missing, something that I hadn't quite been able to put my finger on.  But right then as I examined my cards and dropped some yen in the middle of the table, it occurred to me.  I'd made yet another breakthrough – and this had been this most frightening and revealing of them all.  She'd been there as I poured out my true feelings for Sakura, and congratulated me on discovering the truth.  So where was the next step?

Why hadn't she –

"Read 'em and weep, boys."  There was a collective groan of dismay around the table as Aki gathered the small pile.

Sex was the next step, I was suddenly very sure.  There was nothing else; this had to be it.  And for that she was bound to bring me to her home at last, and reveal where she lived.  Finally I would see where she slept and ate and spent her time – especially where she slept.  Lord knew that after what I went through with Sakura I deserved it.  She would remove her clothing, piece by piece, and then mine before lying down on the bed.  And then we would –

"Kinomoto?  Hello?  Touya?"  Aki's persistent nagging broke through my fantasy, and I felt my face flushing as I focused on him.

"Hmm?"

"Whoa, check out his face.  What were you thinking about?"

"His secret girlfriend," Tsujitane supplied gleefully.  "I'm sure of it; even if I am jealous."  He'd grown comfortable enough to joke about it around me, and I almost choked when he winked and rubbed his foot against mine. 

"Is it true?"  Aki leaned in conspiratorially.  "You can tell us.  You're having an affair with Kei, right?  That's why you finally fought Ryu."

"There is nothing going on between me and Kei," I declared firmly.

"Then who is she?" our goalie persisted, at the same time that the others pleaded to know why I'd fought him then.

"You guys, you guys!  There's no girlfriend, and I'm not telling.  No power on this earth will ever drag the information from my lips."

"Please?" Tsujitane begged, his blue eyes widening slightly.  I found it slightly disconcerting that it almost worked, and wondered if his light flirtation was actually having some kind of effect.

I shook my head to clear it, and plucked the cigarette from his fingertips before taking a long and loving drag on it.  The familiar sensation soothed me, and brought me back to earth.  I exhaled the smoke in his face and flashed that mysterious smile that Kaho was so good at.

"No power on this earth," I repeated.  "Now shall we play?"

They returned grudgingly to the game, but my newfound realization was weighing heavily on my mind.  I was nervous and excited at the same time.  When would the lovemaking session come about?  Was she waiting for just the right moment?

Yes, I decided.  That was probably it.  She was waiting for school to end so I would be free of distractions.  It's bound to happen soon.  And it will be so wonderful…

I could hardly concentrate on the game for the rest of the night. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Ohayo," my dad said from the stove as I dragged myself downstairs.  "Did you have fun last night with your friends?"

"It was okay."

"Good."  He beamed and handed me a plate; I managed a sleepy smile in return.  I could see in his eyes that he was scared I'd actually been with _her_, but he wasn't going to accuse me of anything.  Which was just as well since for once I actually hadn't.

"Ohayo!" Sakura shouted joyfully as she flew into the kitchen.  For the first day of summer vacation she was up awfully early.  I frowned as I took in her outfit.  She was in a white t-shirt and red pleated skirt, clutching her precious baton.

"What are you wearing?"

"This is the practice outfit!  The cheerleading club meets at the school over the summer so we can practice our routines!  I can't wait!"

"That's nice."  I glanced at the clock by the oven.  "What time do we have to go?"

"Dad said I can go alone!"  She shot me a radiant and proud smile, and I spat my morning tea all over the table. 

"Say what?"

"Well, she is eight after all," Dad explained, smiling with an expression of one who has just bestowed a wonderful gift upon another.  "And we know she can walk to and from school just fine.  I said she could go to practice without you having to go along and watch her."

"Are you nuts?  She can't go to school alone!"

"Yes I can!"

"Touya-kun, is something wrong?  I thought you'd be pleased you didn't have to spend the day watching her."

"Uh… she'll run off afterwards with one of her friends.  Someone has to make sure she gets home all right."

"I won't do that!"

"I really think it will be all right," he said placidly.  "She's old enough so that she can get to school on her own."  There was no mistaking the curiosity in his eyes, and I knew I was overdoing it.  Better play it cool.

"Well, yeah," I admitted.  "She's old enough, I guess.  But she'll still hang around with all her friends afterward and talk.  I know her."

"I won't!"

"Tell you what," I continued as if I hadn't heard her.  "I'll jog by the school by the end of the practice and we can come home together."

She gave an exasperated groan and gulped some of her breakfast down.  Dad looked even more confused.

"Since when do you jog?"

"Cross-training.  Better for stamina on the field."

"But the season's over."

"Never too soon to start getting ready for next year."

"Weren't you going to start looking for a part-time job today?  I thought you wanted to start saving up for a bike."

Damn.  I looked away from his questioning gaze and saw that he'd put the classifieds out on the table for my use.

"I was," I said lamely.  "I am.  I'll do it later though."

"Uh-huh."  He arched his eyebrows then shook his head.  "Well, it's your summer vacation.  I've got to get going, summer classes start today."  He stood and patted his mouth with his napkin.  "Would you mind terribly doing the dishes?  I'm a little late."

"Me too!" Sakura yelped, and hastily polished off her breakfast before darting for the door.

"Hey, wait!"  I couldn't help myself; I scrambled out of my chair and followed her out onto the porch.

"Nani?"

"Nothing, I just…"  I swallowed and looked away from her patient green eyes.  How was I going to handle this?  There was no way that I could just stand there and let her walk off on her own, but I could hardly follow her either.  I had an inspiration when I saw her birthday present on the porch.  "Hey, you know what would probably be really fun?"

"What?"

"If you skated to school.  You'd get there much quicker and think what good practice it will be!"

She looked surprised, and there was a hint of excitement in her expression.

"Really?  It's okay for me to skate to school?"

"Sure."  I placed my hand on her shoulders and pushed her down gently, kneeling to remove her shoes.  "Think of how fast you'll be able to go.  No one will be able to catch you."  Particularly not fifteen year-old thugs with a vendetta against your older brother.  "If you skate, then I won't come by and bother you after your practice, I swear."

She perked up a little at that.

"Really?  You'll let me come home all on my own?"

"You bet."  She finished slapping the last of the latches in place and stood a little unsteadily on her feet.  "Now get going.  And remember, don't talk to any strangers.  Don't go wandering off after practice, come right home."

"I know."

"And keep your pads on, don't skate without them!"

"I know!"  She shot out of the front gate and disappeared from view around the corner.  My shoulders slumped a little as I lost sight of her, then turned to see Dad in the doorway.

"What?"

"Nothing.  You just seem a little -" He paused to grope for the right word while I tensed.  He couldn't guess.  I'd be mortified if he ever discovered the truth.  "Different lately.  You're acting different around Sakura."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said loftily.  "Now weren't you running late?"

"Oh, yes.  I'll see you tonight.  Have a good day!"  He waved his briefcase at me before sliding behind the wheel of the car and turning the key.  I didn't wait for him to pull out of the driveway before I dove back into the house and slammed the door shut.  The less he saw of my face the better. 

- - - - - - -

"Exhausting," I moped that night.  "It's impossible to try and keep up with her all the time!  Especially without making him suspicious.  It figures that he would finally decide that she could go to practice on her own.  Everything is conspiring to make it so difficult for me!"

She gave a light laugh as I uttered a groan and leaned back against the tree, placing my arm around her shoulders. 

"I'm sorry that I haven't been by too often lately.  It's just with final exams and trying to watch her and doing all the chores in the house… I've been run ragged.  And now that summer's here Dad is expecting me to get a job.  And there's still Sakura to worry about."

"That's quite all right."  She snuggled up to me, apparently untroubled by my increasing absences.  "It's more important that you do what you feel is right."

"You don't mind?"

"Not at all." 

Part of me was a little hurt at that.  I mean, I was glad that she understood my need to watch over Sakura, but it would have been nice if she missed me a little.  The promise of what was to come flitted through my mind right then, and I leaned closer to nibble on her ear.

"Perhaps I could make it up to you… in some way."

"It's not necessary."  She didn't move away, exactly, but her tone and overall attitude was like a mental splash of cold water over me.  I stiffened and pulled my mouth away.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, everything's going exactly how it should."  Her voice was flat and emotionless as she stared at the starry sky above us.  Something about her answer worried me.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh Touya."  She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed, her previous coolness gone in an instant.  "Did you ever have to do something, knowing in advance that it would be difficult, but then still be afraid to move on and do it?"

"Sure, you know that.  I've been doing that a lot over this past year."

Something about her attitude was troubling me; it was as if she was seeking comfort.  That was strange, Kaho was not the one to seek comfort.  It was always me turning to her.  But now there was something in her that signaled fear, and even nervousness.  Maybe she wasn't ready?  Impossible.  Maybe she didn't think _I_ was ready. 

I stroked my fingers through her long hair and leaned my head against hers.  She should really know better than that.  Maybe I was only fifteen, but I had matured so much more rapidly than others my age.  She knew that.  I was ready to lose my virginity to her.

"But I always get through it," I said aloud.  "With you there to help me.  I can do anything when I'm with you."

I thought that would reassure her, but instead she just clutched at my shirt a little tighter and gave a sigh.  I pushed back my impatience and resigned myself to simply holding her.  Whatever was bothering her, it was obvious that she wasn't ready to share, and it was still more obvious that nothing was going to happen tonight.  She seemed content to be held, and this I did.  The almost-full moon circled overhead and set in the west, and the stars became brighter and more numerous. 

And still I held her.

- - - - - -

Something was different.

My eyes snapped open and I stared at the ceiling, trying to understand why I'd woken.  Something was coming; something was about to change.  Was Mom about to die?

No.  I shook my head and sat up, raking my fingers through my hair to push it out of my eyes.  No, Mom wasn't about to die.  That had already happened.  So what was this nagging feeling inside me? 

Something was about to change.

I yawned and decided to get up.  It was impossible to know what time it was, seeing as how my alarm clock had gone, and it was dark outside.  Sakura had borrowed my clock, so she wouldn't be late today.  She would be practicing her play before school started.  At least Sleeping Beauty was an improvement over Cinderella.

Huh?  I shook my head and the random thoughts skittered out of my mind.  It was late – or very early.  I wasn't thinking clearly.  I pushed my way out of the bedroom and entered the bathroom, leaning over to splash my face with cold water.  I looked up to check my reflection, and did a double take.

What the – the mirror had _winked_ at me.  I rubbed my eyes and stared at the innocuous glass, but it didn't move.  There was only my puzzled and startled expression staring back at me.  It wasn't my reflection that had winked.  Somehow, the mirror itself had done it.

"Something wrong, Touya?"  My father paused out in the hallway and gave me a concerned look.  I glanced nervously back at the mirror, but it wasn't doing anything, and I shrugged.

"No, nothing's wrong.  It's just… we've never really had much of a chance to talk.  What with you being scared of me, and me not able to trust you.  I'm sorry about that."

"You had your reasons."

We shared a brief smile of understanding before trooping downstairs to the kitchen.  We'd lost too many years to the awkward silence of the house.  It was time to change that.

_The past is gone… _

it went by, like dusk to dawn.

_Isn't that the way? _

_Everybody's got their dues in life to pay…_

She was fixing breakfast when we entered.  Dad sat down at the table with a look of anticipation on his face, but I remained standing.

"Won't you have any breakfast, Touya?"

"No thanks.  No time to sit and eat.  I have to go.  I have a job to do."

She smiled sweetly and nodded, her long curls bouncing slightly with the movement.

"Are you angry?  That I didn't keep the promise?"

"You never broke the promise.  I'm not angry.  But I am relieved.  You remembered just in time, before she had a chance to open the book."

"What book?"

"The Book," she answered matter-of-factly, as though it were obvious.  Her words were worrisome, but mostly I was happy that she wasn't angry.  She hadn't left me forever after all.  She was merely biding her time.  I leaned close and planted a light kiss on her cheek.

"I have to go," I said again.

"I know.  Do well.  We're all counting on you."

I turned and nodded to Dad before leaving the house behind.  Outside, it was impossible to determine what time it was.  The moon was still high in the sky, perfectly round and full.  The starlight was dazzling, it was so bright. 

"Go away," I said firmly to the one who was waiting in our yard.  "You are most definitely not welcome here."

I was ignored, and began walking down the street with an unwanted companion at my side.

The night was calm and serene, but I had a sense of urgency anyway and began to run lightly down the street.  It wasn't long before I was standing in that park that she loved so much.  The giant penguin slide glared down at me in the darkness, and I scowled right back.  A faint green mist encircled its head, like a halo, and began to corrode the surface.

I clapped sharply, and the mist dissipated.  Better.  That stuff was dangerous.

"You take my girl, I take yours."

I whirled around at the sound of Ryu's voice, but couldn't see him anywhere.  Then a splash sounded in the creek and I saw a vicious-looking creature rise up from the watery surface.  It was completely blue, with long streaming hair.  It smiled, displaying wicked sharp teeth.

"It's gonna happen between us," it said, again stealing Ryu's voice.  I was afraid, but I stared it down until it sank beneath the surface. 

Some other time, perhaps.  I would face it, whatever it was, some other time.  Meanwhile, I couldn't be wasting time here anymore.  She was at the shrine, probably lost.  I needed to get there and help her find the exit.  

Aki's deck of cards skittered across the ground, caught in the wind, twisting and fluttering in midair.  Despite my distrust in them, I allowed them to lead me forward.  My unwanted companion followed me all the way to the arch of the shrine, and I scowled when I saw what was before me.  It was our place, our special place to be alone together.  Yet once again they had erected tents and decorations, preparing for the summer festival.  It had been taken from me.

"Not taken, Touya.  Only borrowed.  For no one can expect to be the sole keeper of something so beautiful forever.  Don't you think?"

"I suppose," I muttered grudgingly.  "But I just thought… maybe not so quickly.  It was too fast; I hardly had a chance.  It's too soon."

"Then enjoy it while you can," she murmured.

The music of the festival swirled around me – around us – and it was too inviting to resist.  I could hold back no more, but moved into a series of back handsprings.  I finished off with a back tuck and straightened, holding my arms out to the full and shining moon.

But that was not enough.  I spun and struck in the night, surrounded by the stars and the familiar shrine, wheeling and spinning as I kicked and punched.  There was this amazing energy inside me, so much potential demanding to be released.  I had strength.  I had power.

They were everywhere now, flying above me in the star-studded sky.  A girl with wings, and a little creature beside her.  Then a man who shone silver, so bright that I could not even look directly at him.

Still more of them.  A woman who flapped with butterfly wings instead of those of a bird, and a winged panther by her side.

Danger threatened.  I knew it.  Change was coming.  But it was exciting as it was scary, and I was determined to see it through.  Even if some of it was bound to hurt.

The sorceress raised her hand and rang her bell.  The time had come, and I extended my arm out and up to the sky.  After a long moment of hesitation, the one who had been first in the sky folded her wings to dive.   She perched on my hand, a dove with soft white feathers as they brushed against my skin and tickled.

"Hey there," I whispered, and she fluttered nervously, wings flapping.  She was uncertain, frightened, but I placed a hand over her and stroked her soothingly.  She was just a little bird, so fragile and easily injured.  I kept my hand over her wings so she couldn't fly away again, because I didn't want to give her up.  But I knew that I had to.  No one could expect to be the keeper of something so beautiful forever.

Slowly, so as not to startle her, I lowered into a kneeling position on the grass.  The one who had followed me here from my home was still sitting there, waiting patiently.  It was a puppy, of some sorts, though rather large.  His tongue hung out the side of his mouth as he panted, and his black eyes never left the bird in my hand.

What am I doing?  I can't give such a delicate bird to him.  He's a predator; he'll eat her!

But I knew I had no choice.  They were all gathered around now, watching me intently, waiting for me to do the right thing.  Slowly I removed my hand from her wings, so that she could fly away.  She didn't try to escape, but took another moment to nestle in my palm.

"I'm giving her over to you," I said slowly.  The puppy looked at me, then back at her again.  "I'll be watching you.  So you better do a good job…"  I realized what the animal was.  "Little wolf."

He raised a paw and whined in a supplicating gesture, and the bird in my hand took flight to go join him.  A white feather drifted past my nose and I snatched at it, before it could be lost to the night.  The breeze was developing into a fierce gust, and the branches of the trees trembled.  Vast clouds of cherry blossom petals were whisked into the air, mingling with the ash.  

But this time, they weren't scattering.  Instead, the night wind carried them up, high into the sky.  I stood and turned my face upward, following the petals as they flew ever higher and higher.  They were tracing a path up to the moon, and I closed my eyes as I basked in its silver glow.

Soon, it seemed to say.  You and me… soon.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Dream On - Aerosmith__


	15. ch15 an end

**Chapter 15**

**'an end'**

_Like a fool, I fell in love with you… _

_You turned my whole world upside down._

_Layla, got me on my knees, baby_

_Begging, darling, please baby_

_Darling, won't you ease my worries now?_

When I woke up, it took me a second to realize where I was.  Morning sunlight dappled across my ceiling, and a glance at the still-there clock revealed it was eight. 

What a bizarre dream.

I shook my head and sat up, raking my fingers through my hair to push it out of my eyes.  Only a dream, after all… but the feeling hadn't gone away.  That sense of impending change was still there, twisting my stomach into knots.  Maybe I was still dreaming, and I pinched myself.

"Ouch!" I yelped out loud, then grinned wryly at myself.  Okay, so I was awake, but I was probably just on edge.  I knew without thinking consciously about it that it was an elaborated version of the dream I'd had the year before.  The one that I hadn't been able to remember.  No doubt my growing abilities had sharpened my senses, but I wasn't so sure it was a good thing.

I shrugged off my discomfort as I made my way to the bathroom down the hall.  This time, the mirror did nothing untoward and I gave it a final glare of warning before I turned to go downstairs. 

"Ohayo," my dad said cheerfully from the stove.

"Ohayo," I replied dispiritedly before slumping into a chair.

"Something wrong?"

"No… just a weird dream."

"What about?"

"Don't remember," I lied, and reached out to take the proffered plate from his hand.  "Hey, Dad?"

"Yes?"

"You're pretty good."  His brow creased in puzzlement.  "As a father, I mean.  You do a pretty good job."

"Oh."  A smile spread across his face.  "Well thank you."

I shrugged nonchalantly before turning my attention to my breakfast.  The feeling still hadn't gone away, but I was doing my best to ignore it and concentrate on my food.  We were a month into summer, the weather was beautiful, a whole two weeks left before the fall semester began – what could go wrong today?

"Ohayo!"  Sakura bounced into the room, smiling like always.  "The festival's today!  Goody, goody, goody!  You'll take me, right?"  She tugged on my arm with insistent appeal.

"Sure," I said automatically, before remembering what day it was.  "Oh, wait.  No, I can't."

"What?"

"I'm working tonight, I have the evening shift at the restaurant."  She scowled slightly and crossed her arms.

"I thought you worked at a yogurt shop."

"Well, now I work at a restaurant."  There was no need to say that I had been fired from the yogurt shop for taking off early so I could make sure Sakura got home safely from a late practice.  Or that I was at the yogurt shop because I'd been fired from the bookstore for coming in late because I was helping Sakura with her summer homework.  Dad didn't need to hear such details.  I was about to consider skipping my shift so I could tag along and keep an eye on her when Dad spoke up.

"I don't have much to grade tonight.  We can go together, Sakura."

She gasped in delight.

"Really?  You'll come with me?  Oh, thank you thank you thank you, Daddy!"  She leapt at him with zeal, and I was surprised at the sudden little knot of jealousy in my throat.  I had thought she would only be happy if I took her.  Guess not.

_And so it begins,_ said a little voice in my head, as I stared at my half-finished breakfast.  _She's not just happy with you anymore, she's ready to move on, be with others._

"Shut up," I muttered.

"What was that, Touya-kun?"

"Huh?  Oh nothing, just talking to myself."  Whatever happened to the little tyke that worshipped only me?  How could she have grown out of that so fast?  I decided I had no appetite and stood up.  "Sorry, but I'm not feeling so good."

"Sick?  Maybe you should go lie down."

Not a chance.  I was so jumpy I felt I might leap out of my skin at any moment.

"Actually, I think I need fresh air.  I'm just gonna take the new bike for a spin."

"All right."  I could feel his worried gaze on me as I left the house and pulled on my sneakers, but there was no way to explain myself. 

Instead I kicked at the stand of my precious new mountain bike.  It was probably nothing, anyway.  A dream was just a dream, after all.  I only needed to work off a little energy. 

It didn't help that the expected act between myself and Kaho had still not come about.  Between working and caring for Sakura, I couldn't visit every night, but we'd seen each other enough.  She'd had plenty of opportunities to extend the invitation.  But there had been nothing.  Instead her thoughts seemed to be drifting further and further afield, and occasionally I heard snatches of her mental murmurings.  Whispered verb conjugations, chanting numbers.  It was too quiet to be sure, but it sounded as if she was practicing English.

Strange.

I turned and began to glide down a gentle slope, throwing both arms back and reveling in the sense of freedom.  It was almost like flying.

Just another part of her mystery.  I wasn't unduly stressed by her behavior, sure that she would confide in me when the time was right.  But it still bothered me a little.  There would always be sides of her that I never knew, always be something just out of my reach.  I'd accepted it a long time ago, that the woman I loved had these qualities to her.  But that didn't make it any easier to live with. 

- - - - - - -

The day passed like those of the rest of summer.  After I wore myself out riding around town, I returned home and showered, then made lunch.  I fed Sakura upon her return from cheerleader practice, then caught a short nap before my shift at the restaurant.  I was feeling better now, though a little sleep-deprived.  In any case, I woke up feeling refreshed and pulled on my crisp white waiter's shirt over my t-shirt.

"Sakura, I'm going to work.  Don't go running off anywhere!"

"Okay," she called from the patio.  I paused on my way to my bike to look at the mess in front of her. 

"What are you doing?"

"Homework," she said dismally.  "I'm making a paper mache penguin coin bank."

"It looks like a monster to me."

"It does not!"  She shot me an indignant look and I chuckled. 

"You might want to make that mouth a little bigger."  
"It's fine," she huffed, and I shrugged.

"Okay, don't listen to me.  Ja ne."  I hopped on my bike and started pedaling, leaving our comfortable and familiar house behind. 

It would never look the same again.

- - - - - -

_Touya?_

I paused while pouring water into a couple glasses at the sound of her voice.

_Where are you?_

I glanced around surreptitiously but could see no sign of her in the restaurant.

_I'm here.  At our place.  Please come, I need to be with you._

The pitcher shook in my hands, and a few drops spilled onto the tablecloth.

_Now?_

_Now._

I didn't need any more encouragement.  It was almost the end of my shift, anyway, and I set the pitcher down and began striding for the door.

"Kinomoto?  Where do you think you're going?"

"I have to leave early," I replied casually, unbuttoning my shirt and undoing my tie. 

"Hey, you can't just leave early!  You're the only busboy still here, and you have another hour to go!"

"Believe me when I tell you that I don't care."  Kaho was waiting.  How could I fill glasses when I knew she was there, and ready for me at last? 

"Walk out that door and you are fired, mister."  I shrugged and dropped my shirt in my supervisor's hands. 

"Wouldn't be the first time.  Been fun working here.  See you around."

And with that I left him standing, astonished, and exited the restaurant.  I really wish she'd picked a better time.  I was only in jeans and a t-shirt, and I'd been on my feet all evening pouring drinks and clearing tables.  I was physically exhausted, but all that faded as I started pedaling for the shrine.  At last… at long last it was finally going to happen. 

I was almost humming as I parked my bike by the arch to the shrine.  It was getting late into the night, but the festival was still going strong.  Light and laughter washed around the trees, filling the atmosphere with cheer.  And looking more beautiful than ever, she was waiting for me near the first tent.  She was wearing more color than she ever had before, dressed in a pale violet yukata printed with white rabbits and full moons. 

"Thank you so much for coming," she greeted me, holding out both hands.  It was difficult to keep the goofy smile off my face as I took them and planted a light kiss on each. 

"It was no problem.  You know you only have to call and I'll come."

"I'll remember that."  A smile flitted across her face as she took my left hand and squeezed it, then began to walk through the grounds.  We'd never walked around holding hands before.  It felt strange to be doing something so normal, something that most couples my age did.  And in such a public place, too.

"Aren't you worried someone's going to see us?"

"Daijobu, Touya.  You know as well as I do that they never really see us."

By 'us' meaning people who different, I guess.  It seemed an oddly melancholy statement for her to say, and I gave her a sharp glance.  Was something wrong?  There was definitely a strange look in her eyes, though what it meant was impossible to guess.  Even after more than a year with her, I could no more read her impassive face than I could fly. 

"I'm not scared, you know," I spoke up, and she gave me a rather startled look.  Apparently she hadn't even been trying to keep up with my thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"I'm not scared.  To take the next step.  I've been ready ever since the night you came to my house.  I know that I'm ready."

"Oh."  Part of her looked like she wanted to smile at that, but there was still that strange look in her eyes.  "Yes, I guess we both are.  Whether we know it or not."

And with that she continued walking, pulling me along.  Around me the crowds were thinning, the average age creeping up as children were taken home.  No doubt Dad had already taken Sakura home to tuck her in.  We weren't in any danger of being discovered, but I still didn't see the point in hanging around here.  When was she going to take me to her home?  My free hand was shaking, I was so excited.

Yet she continued to lead me further into the festivities.  We passed the ring-toss tent, and the sharpshooting tent, under the soft glow of the Chinese lanterns overhead, and around to the back of the row of booths.  Here things were darker, quiet, more private.  Here the starlight and the full moon had more influence, and in the silver cast our tree waved its branches invitingly.  Here was our place, but I couldn't imagine that she actually wanted to make love here.  Surely it was too public.

"Touya."

"Hai?"

"I have to tell you something."

"All right."

"It's not going to be easy to hear."

She turned slightly to face me, standing so close that I could inhale her light floral scent.  The butterflies in my stomach fluttered a little at that, but I just nodded and squeezed her hand again.  What could she possibly say that was worse than anything I'd faced over the past year?

I wish I'd never asked myself that.

The shrine exploded, a billowing orange mushroom cloud consuming the night sky and taking everything there with it.  Then I blinked.

"Overseas studies?" I repeated in disbelief.  She nodded.  "When?"

"Tomorrow."

Tomorrow?  She was leaving me, and the shrine, and everything we had – tomorrow?  How could she just pick up and leave?

I could hear a rasping, harsh sound coming from somewhere, and realized it was my own breathing.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"If I told you, you would have thought about it.  And I didn't want both of us to feel sad." 

All this time… she'd been planning it?  Planning to leave me?  No, this couldn't be happening.  She was just playing with me.  This had to be some kind of joke.  She was snuggling up to me now, and resting her head against my shoulder.  I was too shocked to move. 

"I first met you under this tree," she murmured.  "And it's been a year since we were under this tree, when you told me that you loved me."

One of the first really difficult things I had done for her.  And how happy she looked when I said those words.

_So you can…_ she'd said.  Like it was some kind of test?  Was this a test too?

"I was really happy, because I really loved you too, Touya.  It was fun just to spend time together with you."

"Why are you speaking in the past tense?" I finally managed to choke out.  This couldn't be real.  This could not be happening.  And yet she was pushing my arm off of her shoulder now, taking a step back.  I felt suddenly cold without her nearness, and shivered. 

"Let's say sayonora."

How could she say it so coolly like that?  After everything we'd shared, after all we'd been through?  Goodbye forever?

"What?"

"Because…" she continued as if I hadn't said anything, "because the next time I see you, you will have someone else that you'll be in love with, Touya.  And so will I." 

Impossible.  I could never… there was no one that was like her.  We were special, different; we understood each other.  I opened my mouth to deny it, but before I could say a thing she was placing her soft fingertips over my lips.  I had to restrain myself from sucking on them in mute appeal. 

"Daijobu," she said softly.  "When I see you again, we'll become very dear friends.  I promise that I will return.  When the time comes." 

Let's just be friends.  The famous old line.  I – I never thought I would hear it.  Especially from her.  What language is this woman speaking?  How can she be saying these things?

I could see the sympathy in her eyes before she turned away from me to gaze at the full moon.

"A beautiful full moon," I heard her say.  She was ripping my heart out, and she was talking about the damn moon.  How?  How could this be happening?

I thought she loved me!

"The time for a catastrophe to befall this world…"  It was almost as if she was speaking to herself now, but it was loud enough for me to hear every word.  Like my vague and blurry nightmare, I didn't understand a word of what she was saying.  I was still having trouble breathing.

And she didn't even seem to be thinking about me anymore.  No, her gaze was riveted on the moon, her thoughts clearly far off in the future somewhere.  I never meant anything to her at all.  Just a hapless student to toy with. 

I think she heard me think that last part, as she turned slowly and gave me an understanding look.  It seemed she'd rather expected this reaction on my part.  Then her gaze slid up to pierce the leafy branches above me.  Once more, I had the disconcerting feeling that she was looking right at something, something that was just above me.  But this time, I couldn't be bothered to check. 

"But… I'm sure that…"  She hesitated and dropped her eyes.  "I'm sure that it will be absolutely all right."

Like hell.

"I – I thought that you loved me," I said shakily.  "Y-you were the one person I counted on, ever since moving here.  You said you would always be there for me!"

"No, Touya, I didn't -"

"Don't do this to me!"  My denial was finally beginning to subside; I could see how serious her eyes were.  Now I was moving on to frantic begging.  "You can't leave me!  I don't have anyone else!"

"I have to take this next step," she explained as gently as she could.  "I have to go.  I am sorry, Touya -"

"Save the sorry," I interrupted.  "I don't want your pity.  I want your love.  I want you to say you love me, and that you won't leave me!"

"I do love you," she said again.  "But this has to happen.  You are ready.  Whether you know it or not."

Something glistened on her face in the moonlight, and she dabbed at her cheek with the long sleeve of her yukata.  It was the most I'd ever seen her display of any emotion, in the entire time I'd been with her.  It seemed this was pushing even her to the edge.

_I can't stay here anymore.  It was harder than I thought it'd be.  Sayonora, Touya._

And with that, she turned and left.

I was too stunned to even think about running after her, giving it a last try, cracking that implacable shell she wore.  It couldn't end like this.  It just couldn't.  Not even a last kiss.

Helplessly I sank to the grass and sat there for what must have been hours.  I didn't cry, curiously enough.  I guess my tears are only reserved for my sister.  Instead I just sat there in a crumpled heap underneath our tree and watched the lights from the festival wink off, one by one.  The laughter and the chatter faded, as people drifted away to their warm beds, loved ones at their side.  There would be none of that for me, not even on this night when I'd been so sure she was ready to take me all the way.  I'd been expecting sex, and this was what I'd gotten instead.  A breakup. 

How could she?  She's gone?  Just like that?  After all we had together…  the scenes that we'd shared under this very tree played through my mind, starting from that first night when she'd startled me so much.  And then the next night, the first of our many cleaning sessions, the first time she gave me advice concerning my family.  First kiss.  First 'I love you'.  It was the anniversary of that 'I love you' as she'd pointed out.  How could she leave me on a day like today?

I trusted you!  I thought you cared, that you and I were meant to be together and that you wouldn't hurt me like everyone else has!  But it was all some kind of game for you, to see how far you could make me go. 

I hate you.

I don't hate you.  I love you, I love you more than anything and oh god please Kaho come back don't leave me you can't do this to me what are you thinking it's me!  You can't go!  Who… who will clean the shrine at nights?  Who will restrain my temper, smile your sweet smile to calm me down, give me advice and help? 

My thoughts were incoherent with despair, unrecognizable and haphazard.  I couldn't keep a steady stream of thought to save my life.  All I could dwell on was that she had just walked out of my life.  I don't know how long I sat there with my thoughts running in circles, but it was long enough to see the festival shut down completely.  The moon had long since set by the time some kind of discomfort penetrated my numb mind.

I was stiff, and filthy, and hungry.  I wasn't really inclined to move at first, all these seeming petty inconveniences.  But suddenly I couldn't look at that tree above me without a deep revulsion.  In the face of my heartbreak, it had become a symbol of everything cold and cruel.  I had to get out of here.

And so I stumbled to my feet and began to limp my way across the shrine.  It would be a year before I returned. 

I'll never know how I managed to climb up on my bike and actually pedal in a forward motion.  My brain seemed utterly unable to deal with the smallest of functions, but I guess it's true that one never forgets how to ride.  I went through the automatic motions of pedaling and steering, and after an undisclosed time I found myself in front of our house again.  It was dark, quiet, with only the porch light left on for me.  Dad and Sakura were no doubt fast asleep, dreaming sweet and untroubled dreams.  At that moment I envied them more than anything.

The bike crashed on the concrete of our driveway and I dragged myself to the front door.  Get in, Touya.  Get in the house.  This is where you live; you will feel better if you can just make it to the shower. 

I couldn't remember how to work the key in my pocket, and sat on the porch for what must have been another hour before I tried again and managed to insert it into the lock.  The door made a slight squeak as I pushed it open, and I almost forgot to take the key out before slamming it shut.  I half expected to wake Dad, and half hoped that he would come rushing downstairs, angry and annoyed.  Something, anything, to distract me from this.

But no such luck.  He always was a sound sleeper.  So I resigned myself to crawling up the stairs and down the hallway, where I stripped off my clothing and stood like a statue under the hot water for what was probably another hour.  When I finally woke up and realized the water temperature was down to glacial, I swiped at the knobs until I was lucky and hit the right one.  Then I couldn't remember where the towels were and stood shivering and dripping wet.

This isn't right.  Everything is horribly, terribly wrong, and nothing is how it's supposed to be.  Mom is supposed to be alive, and Sakura eternally safe, and Kaho with me.  That's how things are supposed to be.  Why is my life messing up like this?  Didn't it read the script?  Nothing is going right.

I finally found a towel and rubbed myself dry before dropping it on the pile of my clothing.  I couldn't be bothered to scoop any of it up, but shuffled into my quiet and dark bedroom.  Does a person sleep after they've just been dumped?  It seemed a good way to escape, but part of me held back, afraid.  What if I woke up, and thought that this was nothing but a bad dream?  I'd have to remember the breakup all over again, and that would be too horrible.  It was a bad idea to go to sleep.

I pulled on my boxers and lay down anyway, willing it to come.  I didn't care about tomorrow, or the day after, or what kind of pain I'd have to re-experience upon waking up, I just wanted oblivion.  I couldn't stand this ache in my chest one second longer. 

Glassily I stared into the darkness, praying for the little death.

This wasn't the way things were supposed to be.

_Try telling her that._

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I drifted slowly from sleep to waking, though it was hard to tell the difference lately.  Blearily I gazed at my ceiling, then winced as I remembered.  I hate waking up; it hurts so much to remember it all over again, just like I knew it would.  But the sleep was such a lovely escape.  I'd been doing hardly anything else except that.

How many days has it been now?  Two?  Three?  Impossible to say, exactly.  I'm not nocturnal, or diurnal, but something in between.  I wake up, shuffle to the bathroom or downstairs into the kitchen, find something that relieves the rumble in my stomach, then return to the sanctity of my bedroom.  I think Dad tried to talk to me a couple of times, but I really wasn't listening.  Nothing mattered except getting back to my private room and the music.

So many songs about heartache.  So many musicians must have been dumped all over the world, they've written an amazing selection of lyrics about being rejected, being left, being dumped, being divorced.  Sometimes it's sudden, like for me, sometimes it's an agonizingly slow process.  Sometimes it's a slow song, a mournful wail; sometimes it's an angry fight-back song with harsh chords and off beat percussion.

I didn't listen to any of it.  Couldn't be bothered.  Instead I just popped in Eric Clapton and did the one thing that I thought I would never do: I listened to the acoustic version of _Layla_.  There's two versions.  The one I always preferred was the electric guitar version.  It's fast, snappy, with a good beat and an amazing guitar opener.  The acoustic version is depressing and slow.  I always wondered why he even did it.

Now I know.

_What'll you do when you get lonely? _

_And nobody's waitin' by your side…_

I moved past denial and desperation some while back, how long I don't exactly recall.  Now I'm somewhere in bitter rage.  I hate that woman.  I hate how she played with me through our whole relationship, how she always knew everything and I knew nothing.  I never knew more than exactly what she intended for me to know.  Never did anything that she didn't somehow engineer or construct.  I hate how calm and dispassionate she was around me, even while looking me in the eye and saying that she did love me.  It was bad as the time when Mom and Dad were both lying to me about her health.  Worse.  She knew better.  I thought she understood.

She was after something, I know it.  The whole relationship was part of some kind of plan of hers, though for what diabolical purpose I couldn't begin to imagine.  Whatever, it didn't seem to matter to her what happened to me in the end.  She turned around and left me cold without so much as a backwards glance.  She didn't care at all.

She was in control, the whole time.  She knew she was going to leave, but she let me think we'd be together forever anyway.  I was such an idiot to trust her.  I should have remembered that my life has no happy endings. 

Why me?  Why did she have to choose me to torment?  Haven't I suffered enough?  There is no end to this cruelty, apparently.  It'll just keep coming, over and over again, until I've been beat down completely.  What's the point in trying?  Why not just give up and surrender?  Someone like Ryu I can handle.  I know how to hit back against someone like that threatening my happiness.  But how was I supposed to know a pretty smile and auburn hair concealed such treachery?

The song ended, and I groped for my stereo's remote control and pressed Play again.  Once more Eric strummed his guitar and began singing.

Someone was tugging on my arm now, peering at me with anxious green eyes.

"Go away."

"Onii-chan, you've been in bed a long time now.  Are you sick?"

"No."

"Are you sure?  Daddy will make you some chicken soup, you know."

"Go," I repeated, "away."

"But if you're not sick, then what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"It can't be nothing," she retorted, and tugged on my arm once more.  I pulled the blankets to cover my head, but she yanked them off again.  "Come on, get up!  Come outside and play with me!  I can show you how good I'm getting with the aerial twist!"

Damn her.  Why did she have to persist in being so bloody cheerful?  All the time, it never stopped.  It was an inseparable part of her, but it was most unwelcome in my gloomy sanctuary.

"You just wait," I muttered, and propped myself up on an elbow so I was looking her directly in the eye. 

"Hoe?"

"One day, someone _you_ love more than anything," I tapped her gently on the nose but didn't break eye contact, "will just up and leave the country, and you won't be able to do a damn thing about it.  And it'll be over." I snapped my fingers right in front of her face.  She was silent, staring at me transfixed.  "Just like that.  And then you'll know what it's like to be all… alone… in the world."

Her eyes were big as saucers now, and after I finished she uttered a terrified shriek.

"Daddy!" 

She scurried from the room as fast as her little legs could go, and I collapsed back onto my pillow with a wry snort.

"What is it, sweetheart?" I heard him ask out in the hall.

"Onii-chan's being scary!" she whimpered.  "He's saying strange things and I don't understand him at all!"

I could just barely hear his chuckle.

"I wouldn't worry about it, Sakura-san.  Touya's just going through a hard time right now.  You probably shouldn't go in there again until he's ready to come out and start talking to us.  Okay?  He needs some time alone."

"But why?"

"It's not very easy to explain.  Let's just say that he broke something, and it's going to take a while to heal."

"How long?"

"I don't know, honey.  That's up to him, I guess.  Why don't we go for a nice drive, hmm?  We'll go get some ice cream.  We need to give your brother some space."

"Okay!" She was enthusiastic at the prospect of ice cream, though clearly still worried about me.  I heard her light skip and his heavier tread as they went downstairs, then eventually the front door opening and closing.

Take a while to heal?  That's understating it a little, Dad.  I'll never heal from this.  Never.  No one could ever replace her.  She was the one, the one person who understood me and my abilities.  She was everything to me, but I was nothing to her. 

They're gone.  My abilities, that is.  I realized it a while back, at the beginning of my bitter rage.  Well, not completely gone, but as rough and undeveloped as they'd been before.  I guess somehow her proximity was accelerating them, and now I've been dropped back to the beginning level again.  I can't sense the emotions of the people around me anymore, and the images of people in our house are hazy and unclear.  Well, maybe that's just because of my blurry vision.  But anyway, it's just one more thing that's crumbled to ash since her departure.

Like my dignity.  And self-respect.

Trust in mankind and hope for the future.

And last but not least, my will to get up and ever face the world again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Music:  Layla – Eric Clapton

Most of you probably don't even remember this, but when CardCaptor Sakura was originally broadcast in America – my initial introduction to the show – it was done dubbed and with English names substituted for the Japanese ones.  This greatly incensed many anime fans, and nobody can say it was a good decision, but those are the names I was used to when I wrote this fic.  Kaho's newly American name was Layla, and that is why this chapter features the song.  In a way, that song more or less inspired the entire fanfic, so I couldn't just get rid of it when I switched Layla back to Kaho for the story.  It might not make much sense, but it's important to me, and now you guys know. 


	16. ch16 and a beginning

**Chapter 16**

**'and a beginning'**

"Touya-kun, are you up?"

Define 'up', Dad.  If you mean alert and conscious and ready to interact with my fellow human beings, then no.  If you mean awake enough to remember my never-ending despair, then yes, I'm up.

Several naps ago I ran out of steam and left the angry stage.  Even after all my practice for so many years, I couldn't keep up the rage forever.  Now I've settled comfortably into the desolate and depressed stage, and suspect I will be here for quite some time.

She left me, and I'm all alone.  There's no one left now, no one who understands me, no one I can talk to.  There'll never be another like her.

"Touya-kun, I don't know if you realize this, but you've been in bed for a week."

I stared at my ceiling and did not reply.

"I know you're going through a rough time right now, but don't forget that school starts in five days.  You _will_ be going."

School.  How could I ever face those people again, ever bring myself to concentrate on something as trivial as homework?  I couldn't.  I'll just stay here in bed.

"It's just, I have a conference tomorrow evening.  I'd hoped you would have snapped out of it by now, but I guess not.  I can't leave Sakura with you when you're like this."

Great.  Swell.  Don't leave.  Don't leave her.  Take her with you, even.  Leave me alone to wallow in my misery in peace.

"Anyway, I brought up some gelatin from dinner.  I just wanted to see if maybe… you wanted to talk about it.  Tell me what's on your mind."

Silence was his only answer, and he gave a little sigh.

"Well, I offered." 

I heard him turn to go, and spoke up.

"You can leave the dessert."  I couldn't see his face, but I knew he cracked a smile at that.

"Of course."

I heard him set it on my desk, then open my door in preparation to leave. 

"Listen, Touya.  I – I don't know everything that happened between you and – and her.  Truthfully, I'm not so sure I want to know.  But it's pretty clear that you cared about her a lot.  And between you and me, I was afraid you'd never be able to do that again.  It's… kind of a relief to know that you do still have emotions."

And with that he left and shut the door behind him.  I rolled over to stare at the door after he'd gone, wondering to make of his words.

He sounds almost like her.  _So you can…_ What was this entire past year to her?  Nothing but some kind of project to remind me how to love?  Was that all I was to her?  Some kind of mission?

If so, then why?  Why me? 

I buried my face in my pillow.  That I would probably never know.  All I did know was that I felt used and betrayed.  I was broken, hollow, incapable of rational thought at this point. 

She left me.  Why?  Why?  Why?

- - - - - - -

Like every other day, I slipped in and out sleep over the course of the hours.  I vaguely remember watching the sun set, then I guess I must have faded out again.  Next time I woke up, the moonlight was streaming in through my window.

Weird, the way she'd been looking at the moon on that night.  And that comment she'd made out back after the dance, about not interrupting. 

I remembered my dream as I crawled out of bed and placed my hands against the glass of the window.  There had been something important about the moon there, too.  Why?  It's just a hunk of rock, a natural satellite for the earth.  There's nothing special about it.

It was on its way to three-quarters now, in the process of waning.  Going back to crescent, then new moon, then back again.  It never stopped.  Always waxing and waning, going down and then up.  I'd never once worried that it would be stuck in the new moon phase.  It always returned, always grew to full moon again.

I uttered a small groan in the back of my throat as my thoughts wandered.  I couldn't even look at the damn thing without subconsciously lecturing myself.  I could almost hear her in my mind, smiling and offering her sage advice.

"You're gone now," I muttered darkly.  "I don't have to listen to your sanctimonious lectures anymore.  If I want to live in depression, then that is what I will do."

I shut the blinds tight, darkening the room considerably, and threw myself on top of the covers again, willing sleep to return.

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"Get off."

She was crawling onto me now, sitting on my back.

"I know it doesn't hurt."

"It does.  You weigh too much to do that.  You're a heavy monster."

"I am not!"  She bounced a little to enforce her words, drawing another groan from my lips.

"Go away, Sakura.  Go bother Dad."

"Dad just left to go to his conference," she said impatiently.  "And he said that if you were still in bed by the afternoon that I should come into your room and sit on you until you get up."

"Did he now?"

I rolled over and she tumbled with a shriek off the bed.

"Ouch!  That hurt!"

"Serves you right.  Now go away and leave me alone."

"No!  We don't have any food for dinner and Dad said you would have to go shopping at the market today."

Nice, Dad.  I'm sure you could have done that before you left.  It's going to take more than that to get me out of bed.

Eric Clapton was cut off mid-wail, and I rolled back the other way to face her.

"Get away from my stereo."

"You've been listening to the same song over and over all week," she complained.  "I can hear it in my bedroom.  I'm tired of it!  Put something new on, please?"

"No."  I picked up my remote control and pressed Play again, and she pressed Stop again.  Then she turned the whole thing off.  "You're going to regret that, kiddo."

She paid no attention and returned to my bed, crawling back on.

"Stop it.  Get off."

"Onii-chan, you're always in bed."

"That's right.  And I'm not getting out."  She bit her lip, and tears welled up in her green eyes.  "What now?"

"Mom was always in bed too.  Are you going to go away like she did?"

She was clambering onto my stomach now, looking worriedly at me, and at first I was too surprised to say anything.  
"It's different, Sakura.  I'm not sick."

"Then why are you in bed?"

"Because… I just can't face the thought of getting up again.   The world is a horrible cruel place, and it hates me.  There, happy?"

She couldn't really understand what I was talking about, of course, and a tear escaped to trickle down her cheek.

"Would you keep it from me if you were sick?"

"No.  Why would you think I would do that?"

"You said Mom wasn't sick either," she cried.  "I remember it!"

"I know, Sakura, but it was because I didn't know any better.  I swear to you, I am not sick."

"I don't believe you!  You're in bed just like she was!  You're going to go to Heaven too!"  And with that she slithered off me and down to the floor again.  I made a grab for her wrist but wasn't quick enough, and soon she was out the door.

"Sakura, get back here!"

Her footsteps thudded down the stairs, then I heard the front door slam.  I groaned aloud as I sat up.  There was nothing for it.  I was going to have to prove to her that I was not sick.

"I'm not doing this because I'm ready to," I said firmly to my empty room.  "I just can't stand watching her cry.  She's so pathetic when she gets teary."

Quickly I pulled on a pair of jeans, fumbling a little with lack of practice. 

"Sakura, wait!"  I ran downstairs and threw myself out the front door, squinting in the bright light.  Hot August air hit me in a wave, and I almost slumped against the doorframe.

"Squirt!" I called out.  "Hey, hold on!"

"Don't call me that!"  Her rollerblades were on and she'd been about to set out from the driveway, but she screeched to an abrupt halt at my voice.  "You got out of bed!"

"I told you I wasn't sick."

I attempted a grin, then gave it up.  Her eyes were fiercely hopeful.  "And you'll come to the market?"

"Yes, I'll go to the stupid market.  Let me go put on a shirt and I'll be right out."

Her whole face lit up.  She must have been really worried.

"Yay!"

I can't believe I let her manipulate me into this.  I'm pathetic.

Lost in my despondent gloom, I stuffed my hands into my pockets and shuffled along as she skated slowly by my side.  Occasionally she would skate ahead and practice skating backward.  She really was getting better, but when she asked me to watch I just grunted and looked away. 

This had definitely been a mistake, coming outside into the world.  Everywhere I looked, people were enjoying the last days of summer vacation.  Children were scurrying off to the pool, skipping rope, or lounging about and sipping lemonade.  A car full of laughing teenagers roared past us on the road, and I was consumed with loathing for its occupants.  How dare they be so happy and full of life?  Why was it so easy for everyone else my age, but not for me?  Was there nothing that could give me happiness?

"We're here!  What are we going to have for dinner tonight?"

"I dunno.  Whatever you want, I guess."

"Okay!  Let's go look!"  She knelt to replace her rollerblades with her shoes and scurried into the crowd.  Through a haze I stumbled after her.  The weekend market was more of a social gathering in this town than anything else, and people were all around.  Booths had been erected haphazardly in the shadow of the grocery store, some underneath the shade of scaffolding.  From the looks of things, they were replacing the sign.  Things were growing, changing, improving.  Everywhere people were buying their fresh produce in preparation for dinner, happy conversation and good moods battering at my ears.  I was an island in this ocean, an oasis of darkness that the warm August sun couldn't touch.

No one could understand this pain.  Even Dad was better off; at least he knew Mom loved him.  Kaho didn't love me.  She said she did, but she obviously didn't.  She was planning to leave Japan the whole time, planning to leave me.  She didn't even try to prepare me, she just up and left.  How could she leave me like that?  Didn't she know what it would do to me?  She was everything, and now I've been cast aside like a wilted flower.  I never meant anything to her.  Otherwise she would have been more honest with me.  She wouldn't have kept all those things from me, she wouldn't have teased me and led me on.  She would have taken me to see where she lived!  I gave her all of me, and she gave nothing of herself. 

Even a pebble tossed in a lake makes a few ripples.  I never touched her.  Not even a little bit. 

Suddenly I was dying for a cigarette, but I could hardly light up right in front of Sakura.  Maybe I could slip away – except now I couldn't even see where she'd gone.  Where was she?

"Sakura?"

I only took my eyes off her a minute!  Damn it, how does she do that?  We were just here to buy food, for crying out loud. 

"Sakura, where are you?"

I could see no sign of her in this throng of people, and a sudden charge of fear swept through me, wiping away all my self-pity.  Had I lost her?  After everything, after my promise to Mom, and my worries about Ryu, had I gone and lost her anyway?

"Sakura!"

A few people looked in my direction, but I paid no attention to their stares as I began to walk a little more quickly, scanning fruitlessly.  There were plenty of people in a place like this that would just love to pick up a helpless girl.  How could I have been so stupid?  How could I have taken my attention off of her, just to mope about my girlfriend?  _Ex_-girlfriend, that is.

I lost her.  I must have been born to lose women.  First my mom, then her, now my sister.  I'll never love again.  Never trust a woman again.  Never give anything of myself, anymore.  It's a cruel and capricious sex, the female.  I hate them all.

Except for Sakura.  I have to find her.  Astonishingly, my eyes were already beginning to burn with unshed tears.  A whole week of lying in bed after the breakup and I hadn't cried once until now.  What is it about my sister?  Am I so completely and hopelessly dependent on her?  What would my life be like without her smiles and happy green eyes?

"Sakura!"

I choked back a sob, sure that it was hopeless.  I'd lost her, someone had taken her away and I would never see her again.  My little baby sister.  She was all I had left.

"Sakura!"

"Excuse me."  I jumped in surprise, but it was just someone tapping me on the shoulder.  "Are you looking for her?"  He pointed up, and I followed his gaze until I saw her.  Unbelievably enough, she'd decided that she needed to practice her gymnastics on the aluminum bars of the scaffolding above us.  No one had even noticed her swinging by her knees.

"Sakura, what do you think you're doing?" I shouted, anger overcoming relief now that I'd seen her.

"Practicing, of course.  This looked like so much fun!"

"Sakura, that's construction equipment, not a gymnasium.  Get down here now!"

She gave a lengthy sigh and started to pull herself up.  But I guess the bar had become a little more slippery with her sweat, or something, because she lost her balance and almost fell right off. 

I almost had a heart attack, but she caught herself with one hand just in time, uttering a short yelp. 

"Help me, Onii-chan!"

"Just let go."  I stepped closer and held out my arms, forcing myself to breathe deeply and smile for her benefit.  But I could see my hands were shaking violently, and it was bound to get worse.  All around me I could hear the conversations coming to a halt as more people started looking our way.  Probably wondering how someone could be so irresponsible as to let a little girl climb way up there.

"I'll catch you."

"It's too high!" 

"No it's not."  I was maybe five feet underneath her dangling tennis shoes.  "If you'll tuck yourself in like I taught you for gymnastics.  Remember?"

She whimpered an affirmative but did not let go.

"I'm scared!"

"I know.  It's okay.  But I will catch you, Sakura.  I will always be here to catch you."  She looked down from her great height and met my eyes.  It was taking everything in my willpower to keep my breathing light and steady, and I gave her the most comforting look I could manage. 

"On three.  One, two…"  She released her hold and plummeted downwards, and with a grunt I managed to catch her in my arms.  I almost fell myself with the sudden weight, but I was strong enough to keep upright.  All around, people burst into spontaneous applause as I knelt down on the ground and stood her on her own two feet.

"Don't ever ever ever _ever_ do that again!" I said frantically, hugging her close.  "You scared me!"  So much for pretending to be brave for her.  "Are you okay?  Are you hurt anywhere?"

Silently she shook her head as I ran my hands over her, checking to make sure.  She looked fine, now that it was over, but her face was a little devoid of color and I knew she'd had a good scare. 

"Gomen nesai," I whispered.

"For what?"

"Nothing."  It was all my fault that she'd got into such danger, but there was no way to explain.  "But I'm sorry."

I kissed her gratefully on her forehead, and she squeezed me in a brief hug.

"Guess everything worked out okay," someone said cheerfully, and I saw the guy that had first pointed her out to me was standing to one side.  "She's lucky to have a brother like you."

Unwilling to let go of her, I stood with her in my arms, settling her on my hip. 

"Arigatou.  I wouldn't have found her if weren't for you."

"I'm sure you would have seen her soon enough."  He gave me a confident grin, and I was a little startled to realize that I was smiling in response.  It had been so long since I smiled, I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.  But there was something in his manner that made a smile just seem natural.

"Do you go to Seijou?"  I nodded.  "Me too.  Or I will in a week, I guess.  We just moved to this town.  I'm in ninth."

"Same here," I said automatically.  I hadn't taken the time to notice before, but there was something – more to this one.  It was so difficult to see now; all of my sureness had gone when she left.  But there was just something different looking about him.  His hair was really pale, almost sparkling silver in the bright sunlight.  It was a little unworldly.  But the brown eyes behind his glasses were warm and sincere.  Almost as tall as me, but completely devoid of anything like aggression or belligerence like Ryu.  I got the impression that this guy had never gotten in a fight in his entire life.  He was leaning over slightly now, smiling at the silent girl in my arms.

"And how old are you?"

There was no reply, and I looked down to see her staring wide-eyed at this new arrival, her thumb in her mouth.  She hadn't done that in years, and I pulled it out.

"Stop that, Sakura.  Are you sure you're all right?"

She nodded, her eyes never leaving his face.  Already she seemed to have forgotten her mishap, and for that at least, I was grateful to him. 

"Sakura?" he repeated.  "That's a very beautiful name."

Inexplicably, her cheeks turned bright pink, and I felt a flicker of jealousy.

"Monster is a little more accurate," I said to cover up the silence.  "Or squirt, or shrimp.  Take your pick."

"Onii-chan!" she squealed, and kicked me as best she could from her position.  He just laughed.  There was a nice sound in his laugh.  He sounded carefree, untroubled. 

"I think I'll just stick to Sakura-chan, if that's all right."  She nodded enthusiastically, and he straightened and extended his hand.  "Toya, right?"

"Right."

Feeling a trifle dazed, I took his hand and shook it. 

"Tsukishiro Yukito."

"Yukito," I repeated stupidly, aware that that smile was still on my face.

"Right," he said again, then looked down to see our hands were still in one another's.  Quickly I let go, and he took a couple steps back.  "Well, guess I should get back to shopping.  See you at school next week."

"Yeah.  Um, thanks again for your help."  I looked down at Sakura; she was sucking on her thumb again as she watched him go.  Dimly I remembered that I had been feeling very depressed a little while ago, but already it seemed so remote.  I had wallowed in misery enough.  Maybe it was time to get on with life. 

My eyes fell on the grocery bag I'd dropped on the ground, still waiting to be filled.

"Hey."  He immediately turned back.

"Yeah?"

"Would you… like to have dinner with us?  It's just me and my sister tonight.  I can, uh, fill you in on Seijou."

He was already nodding before I'd even finished.  "I was going to be on my own tonight too.  That would be great."

"Great."

He came over for dinner that night.  We talked for hours.

And that night, I began to get over her.

- - - - - -

I realized I'd forgotten to exhale and let out my breath explosively.  That entire crazy period of my life, those fifteen-plus months – it had flashed through my mind in the space of a heartbeat.  I blinked, blinked again, but there was no mistake.  She was still standing there in front of me, her eyes twinkling with amusement like that first day in our classroom.  She does delight in doing this to me.

Somehow, I managed to choke out her name.  It came out as hardly more than a whisper, which was just as well since Sakura was standing right there and looking at us.  She leaned in slightly and whispered.

"You've grown, Touya."

You've grown?  That's all you have to say, after everything that happened?  After everything that went on between us and after you just turned around and left me – 'you've grown'?

I was still too stunned to say or do anything, or even form coherent thought.  Before I could blurt out a question, one of Sakura's friends let out a strangled cry.

"Oh!"  Everyone turned to look except me.  I couldn't take my eyes off her face.  How could – how could she be here?  What is she doing here?  She said she'd come back but I never really believed her!  It's been over a year!

_What are you doing here?_ I demanded, but she wasn't even looking in my direction now.  Both Sakura and her friend were staring mournfully at the closed and empty stand.

"The charms…"

"They're closed!"

"Here you go."  Both girls turned to see her holding out two lucky red charms.

"Arigatou!" they both shouted joyfully and took them.

"Those are what you wanted, right?"  Sakura looked perplexed, something I could readily identify with.

"How did you know?  We didn't say any -"

"Just a feeling."

_You must really love using that line_, I accused.  She still didn't look up, but I thought I saw her try to repress a smile.

I was still getting a grip on myself as we gathered under the arch.  Damn her.  She was just standing there calmly, looking around as if there were nothing at all out of the ordinary about tonight.  How could she just stand there?  She wasn't responding at all to my mental shouts that she explain herself, and I caught myself wondering if she could even hear me anymore.  Maybe I couldn't hear her either.  Was the connection completely lost?

A fancy black car rolled up, and that camera nut – who would have guessed that she was Sonomi's kid? – got in, waving her goodbyes. 

It all seems so long ago now, when I look back on it.  So much has happened since she walked out of my life; things are so different now.  The atmosphere in the house is much easier, Dad and I get along fine now.  I still see Aki in the halls occasionally, though not as much as I used to.  He and Kei have been a couple now for half a year or so, and he devotes a lot of time to her.  She looks a lot happier these days.  I never did see Ryu again, though there are times when I'm convinced he's come back to haunt me in the form of a ten year-old Chinese boy.  He was leaning in close now, saying something to Sakura, and I stiffened slightly.  But he made no sudden moves, just walked away, his girlfriend hurrying to catch up.

Then it was just Sakura left, and she turned to face the two of us.

"Ja ne, Kinomoto-san."  She gave my sister a little wave, then glanced over her shoulder at me. "See you later, Touya."

I could not bring myself to say anything to her, but she didn't seem to be expecting it.  Instead she just turned and began to saunter away, disappearing slowly into the darkness of the shrine like she had that very first night.

"Onii-chan?"  My sister was at my elbow, looking up at me curiously.  "Do you know Mizuki-sensei?"

Do I _know_ her?  Sakura, how can you ask that?  Surely you remember –

No.  They never met.  She and my dad met all right, but that night at the open house Sakura got lost and wasn't there.  There was that one time at the game, but no, Sakura was practically upside down under my arm and wasn't looking up.  She wasn't paying any attention at the summer festival either, when we met.  Sakura never saw her.

Coincidence?  A chill went up and down my spine as I stared at the retreating form of my old teacher.  No, I knew damn well it was no coincidence.  She'd engineered that like she had everything else, designing it to suit her needs.  The resurgence of memories had triggered one other insight. 

It was after the fight with Ryu.  That horrible night when I realized it was love I felt for my sister and not fear or envy.  That was the night when she knew she was done here.  That was the night that she began to plan her departure.  That was what she was waiting for, the whole time.

Very faintly, almost indistinguishable from the whispering sigh of the leaves, the chime of a bell resonated throughout the shrine.

The sorceress.  She had returned, and this time it was for Sakura.  I knew it as sure as I breathed, knew that it had to do with everything strange lately.  My sister's odd behavior, that mysterious stuffed animal in her room, the way that Chinese kid was always hanging around her, and my own paranormal experience in the forest a week ago.  My abilities have been getting stronger again, since I finally saw Mom again last spring.  It's all connected; I know it.  And it all has something to do with Sakura.

She fidgeted a little as I gave her a sharp glance, but didn't say anything.  I looked back at the shrine that was once so familiar and welcoming, but Kaho was completely gone.  Always shrouded in mysteries, always so secretive.  It was what had always bothered me most before, both when we were together and after she left.  But I hadn't forgotten her words underneath that tree, how she said I would find someone else that I could love more.  I hadn't believed, I wouldn't have ever thought it.

But she had been right.

I glanced up at the moon overhead.

Oh, how she had been right. 

**THE END**

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Disclaimer:  I do not own these characters

Peacewish: Well, except for Kei, Aki, and Ryu.  And don't you forget it.

Touya: And the music for this chapter?

Peacewish:  There was none.  See, the point where you met Yukito was when you stopped dwelling on how music was the only thing that understood you.  Cool, huh?

Touya:  You put me through hell.  I resent that.

Peacewish: C'mon, we all knew I was gonna do it.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the true hero is the one that suffers the most.  At least this time you weren't physically tortured.

Touya: Maybe so, but I live in fear of chapter 7 now.  There's never been one yet where something particularly horrible didn't happen to me!

Peacewish: Poor baby.  Do you want a hug?

Touya: Nice try.

Peacewish: Damn.  Well, I suppose I should get around to the part where I yak about the inspiration for the story.  Surprisingly, politics had very little to do with it.

All:  YAY!!

Peacewish: Hush.  I was watching the Return Card episode and decided that there was a whole story there that we just barely had a glimmer of, and that I wanted to explore Touya's motivations a little more.  Get to the why and wherefore.  Plus I just wanted to do another story that featured him. 

Li: How utterly shocking.

Peacewish: Li, there you are.  You've been awfully quiet.

Li: What do you expect, from someone that wasn't even in the story?

Peacewish: You were in the last scene.

Li: Whoopty-doo.

Touya: (says nothing, but smirks loudly in Li's direction)

Li: Stop that.  Stop smirking!

Touya: Hey, I earned it.  I'm the one that had to suffer everything in this story!

Peacewish: Too true, my love.  Now let's get to it.  Obviously, I took the meeting and breakup scenes from the Return Card episode, with maybe just a little tweaking of the dialogue to suit my full length plot.  Artistic license.

Li: And now she thinks she's an artist?

Peacewish: Their ability to communicate mentally was hinted at in the Cloud Card episode.  I just expanded it a little.  Upon watching the first episode again recently, I realized that the shelves down in the basement are metal assembly frames and not wooden, but the image of Touya doing construction down in the basement (shirtless, of course) was too delicious to give up.

Touya: (whimpers and buries face in hands)

Peacewish: The conversation that Touya had with his little sister about their mother's current location was taken from the dialogue of episode #16: Sakura and the Rainbow of Memories.  Also from that I took the suggestion that Nadeshiko was fond of rainbows, and the relationship between her and her grandfather.  I found it interesting that in that episode, the great-grandfather apparently had no interest in meeting his great-grandson, only Sakura.  Ditto for Sonomi only wanting to talk with Sakura, always gushing on about how much she looked like her mother.  I figured the two of them were only interested in Sakura because she resembled Nadeshiko so much, and Touya just reminded them of why they didn't like Fujitaka.

Touya:  I did _not_ enjoy that part of the story so much. 

Peacewish: I basically made that whole story up in chapter 11, but it was taken from all the cues in episode #10: Sakura and the Sport's Day of Flowers.  I figured it was pretty obvious that Touya had to be an accident – I mean, who has a kid on purpose at 17?  I also think it was obvious from Sonomi's tone – "She always said she would name her daughter Sakura _if_ she had one." – that she had no idea Nadeshiko had a daughter until she met Sakura that day.  What's more, I wondered why it was that Touya knew the whole story of his mother and Sonomi's relationship and Sakura was totally clueless.  There had to be some reason that he'd stumbled onto the story.

Touya: Jeez, somebody's getting into this.

Peacewish: Sniff, sniff.  It has nothing at all to do with the fact that I myself am an accidental product of a marriage that only lasted a year anyway… it's okay… I've dealt with it and moved on…  Wah!

Sakura:  Poor thing.

Peacewish: No, I'm okay, honestly.  I could use a hug, though.  Touya, take off your shirt and give me one.

Touya: You make me feel like a piece of meat.

Peacewish: Yeah, but you're a sexy piece of meat.  Wasn't that a great scene when you danced with Kei in the gym?  Incidentally, the Yoko that Aki was referring to was the same Yoko from episode #14: Sakura, Touya, and Cinderella, in case you wondered.

Touya:  Curiously enough, no, I wasn't wondering.  All those girls look the same.

Peacewish: Touya playing the organ with his mother was something that I took from Sakura and the Calendar of Memories, third season.  It's not out on DVD yet, so I haven't seen it; only read summaries.  So if I got any details wrong there, that's why.  The final scene was taken from the last few minutes of episode #26: Sakura and the Wonderful Teacher, from that moment where he first sees his old teacher again and freezes up.  The paranormal experience he's referring to is his encounter with the Mirror Card in episode #25.  Finally seeing his mother again was the final scene from episode #6: Sakura and the Memory of Her Mother.

Touya: Aha!  In the dialogue of that episode I told Yuki that I'd stopped seeing her _by the_ _time_ junior high started. 

Peacewish: Yes, that's another slight bend from the rules.  I thought my way was more dramatic.  And doesn't it just make you appreciate that moment in episode 6 all the more?  Touya looked so relieved to see her.

Touya: Hmph.  And what about the end of the Cloud Card episode when I casually mention to Dad that Mom showed up and helped heal Sakura?  He took it well enough then.

Peacewish:  Good point.  I figure, there's a world of difference between screaming at one's dead mother, and saying that she helped Sakura recover from an illness.  And perhaps the conversation between Touya and Sakura about where their mother is (which Fujitaka was eavesdropping on in chapter 8) helped convince him that Touya never meant ill will with his 'imagination'. 

Li:  Are we through yet?

Peacewish: And finally, I think I may have screwed up a little on the exact ages of everyone at this time in the story.  But it's close enough.  And yes, I know that Sakura first met Yukito when he came home from school with Touya, but that just didn't seem to be the right climax for the story.  I like my ending better.  So there, Clamp!

Li: Oh boy, is she ever going to get sued.

Peacewish: Good luck to them.  Thanks to the IRS, I have now maybe a total of fifty dollars in my bank account.  I hate you, government!

Touya: And there it is.  We all knew she couldn't refrain from getting it in somewhere.

Peacewish:  You'd be mad too, if they took 2000 from you.

Li: Ouch.

Peacewish: Tell me about it, moneybags.  You want to kick in for any of that?

Li: Well, maybe if I was your favorite character… but since I'm not, why don't you just ask Touya for the money?

Touya:  Please.  I just got fired from another job again; it's not likely that I'm rolling in it.

Peacewish: That's okay, baby, I love you anyway.  I'll just not eat or something.  There's got to be some way to save money.  Meanwhile, I intend to drown my sorrows into writing another story.  This one will be **super **political, so that I can vent all my frustration and work out my bitterness in a healthy fashion.

Li: And we're all looking forward to that _ever_ so much.

Peacewish: Maybe you'll wipe that sarcastic look off your face when I tell you that you'll have a much bigger part in this one.

Li: Ooh!

Peacewish: That's what I thought.  You will have a bigger part, demo, you won't be starring in it.

Li: Damn.

Peacewish: Whine, whine.  This one's going to Meilin, since I've been neglecting her, and I feel bad about it.

Meilin: No kidding!  I'm either dead or nonexistent in all of them!

Peacewish:  I know, and I really am sorry.  But I'm going to fix that, I swear.  There's just one tiny little problem, and that's the fact that I cannot write faster than everyone out there can read.  I've been putting out stories that I finished weeks earlier, but now I've run out and I'm only up to chapter three of this latest story.  And I've got writer's block.  So it might be a while.  Like, six to eight weeks.

Meilin: Wah!  I'll never be able to wait that long!

Peacewish:  Sure you will, once you see how good you get it in my story.  I'm fed up with all those fics that just put Meilin through some angsty soliloquy, and never give her a chance to make something of herself.  I'm gonna fix that… as soon as I overcome this writer's block. 

Meilin: Please hurry – oh, and wait a second.  Does this mean that I have to star in a political story?

Peacewish: It's more fun than it sounds, I swear.

Li: Don't listen to her, Meilin!  It's pure torture!  Torture, I tell you-mmf.

Peacewish: As all-powerful author, I have the ability to gag him whenever I like.  Handy, huh?

Touya: I'll say.

Peacewish: So that's it, to all of you out there in Readerland.  I'm done for the moment, and probably won't have anything up until December – maybe even later.  I would like to take a moment to thank all those that have been so kind in reviewing my pitiful six fanfics.  (clears throat and takes a deep breath)

Lynk, Vulpix, Kounoko, pinklover, setsuna, girlsport17, kawaii-kitty, swtkandiesakura, silver-cherry, rahai, faoiltiama, NET, ssk22, sheryl v, chibi star, mecha-griever, klarisa, violet karuto (no, I'm not a secretly famous writer, but we all have our little daydreams), riley s, white tiger, chbiookamigirl, sailorjamie, ana nunes, mimighost, the blood and gore, grace yang, cherryblossom576, missy2005 (yes, I did make up the world in Sun and Moon, but most of the descriptions I swiped from 'Escaflowne' and 'Masters of the Universe'), lilcutemunchkin, ccsfan, ruby moon, blue wind sinia, green eyed lilys daughter, ccsfanatic, seyenaidni, samokin, mbeinotnadle, wezl, alita, saki, sakura-ang31, sakuraange0320, jacks, 2kz, elle, summer, sammy, ryanne, witty-sun, ali, L-chan, fuu, angelness, who cares, nissa-chan, cakkie, silvermoon maru, sujakata, yume, cherryz angel, patty, masterofwords, starquestor, loper, jared, conenjo pedro, bil, midnightoasis, smileygirl322, kawaiired, angel, icefire, mystic, magda, reach, hikari angel, and jaid skywalker.

Li: She's turning blue.

Peacewish: I would also like to take the time to thank those that always, ALWAYS, took the time to write a nice review and have stuck with me from the very beginning since Heir to the Kingdom.  Those are silverg3r, Monique, Sakura Rain, Fruity Write-chic, Kero-chan, and the frustratingly anonymous Just Reading.  Ongaku and Kitty Neko have been wonderful, even asking me to post my stories on their own website.  Also thanks go to Eclipse for painstakingly posting a review for every single chapter even if she (he?) could read the whole sTouya in one shot.  Gratitude for J.G. in recognizing my pathetic attempts at humor in LG and H to the K.  Mucho appreciation for Odd World in understanding my characterization of Tomoyo in Behind the Camera.  And of course, a big thank you to Becky for showering me with wonderful reviews in Scattered Blossoms.  Bless TamChronin for her thoughtful and insightful reviews; she also wants to be a writer and understands the difficulty in finding just the right way to say things.  She's one of the best out there that I've ever read on , and I lap up her praise like a thirsty dog. (I'll take that kickback in small unmarked bills now, Tam). 

That's everyone, I think, and if I missed anyone then gomen nesai.  I will see you all again in December, I hope.  

CCS forever!!


End file.
